Nighttime thoughts

It's always when I'm laying in bed at night, about to fall asleep, that I feel the need to write here. It's like suddenly, surrounded on each side by my children, I need to let them know how grateful I am and how much I love them. I'm so afraid that one day they'll lose me. Me losing them would be horrible beyond belief. But they are so young that I know they could grow up happily without even remembering me, or with questions I'll never be able to answer.

So I lay down and get all these ideas of everything I want to say to them. Words I hope they can turn to when they need them. And then If convince myself that that's silly and unnecessary and I should just go to sleep.

So here, quickly- Be your best self. When you figure out who you are I hope you are able to be confident in your every day decisions, and feel proud of your accomplishments. Stay friends with each other. If not best friends, at least close enough friends that you enjoy each other's company and stay in touch if distance separates you some day.

Forgive yourself. You'll make mistakes and that's okay. The important thing is to listen to the lesson. Find a passion that enriches the lives of others who need it. And do it not for the money, its important that my children understand how little importance I place on money. Do it because it makes you happy to see your work bring joy or relief to others. Lift as many burdens as you can, but not too many that you become lost.

Try to put yourself in others shoes as often as you can. If you can't walk a mile in them, use your imagination. Know that people all want happiness, or at least they should. And deep down they must, even if they don't realize it, and with that find the good in everyone. Even the awful people. They were once little beautiful souls who crawled into their parents laps when they were scared.

Don't settle. Strive for greatness. Not everything will be great always, but even some great mixed with some good and a sprinkling of okay and a pinch of bad is pretty great! If something isn't working for you, change it. Ask for help. Talk. Communicate. Think about what you want and deserve, and get there. It might be really hard work. That's normal, and you can do it. I have so much faith in you both.

 If you are blessed with children of your own someday, (and oh how I hope you are, if only so then you'll fully understand how much I love you!) mother them with love and respect. Remember that they will be the next generation, so treat them how you hope they will treat others. And try to remember your own childhoods.

Sometimes I think it would be so wonderful to be given our exact death date, to plan accordingly. I'd write you each letters to open yearly, videotape myself talking, record my voice reading books and singing, and leave the world feeling like I left you prepared. Instead I have this blog. That I never update as often as I want. That I spend trying to quickly catch up when all I want to do is write more. But now it's late. Not too late, just late and I'm tired and you are both stirring, and I love you.