April catch up!

April was when things started to finally get easier, as far as balancing the needs of 2 children. We were all settling in to our new normal. Makena (and I) were still having some very emotional moments, but mostly it was good. Pam and I celebrated our anniversary with fondue! And yes, the kids came with us. Because we just love them that much! :)

Makena was very proud of her April Fool's Day prank of giving everyone brownies. (She used a brown marker and wrote the letter E all over a piece of paper... BROWN E, get it?!) And then Pam said "Makena I made you some brownies!" She of course thought it was the same prank and sighed as she ripped off the tin foil, only to discover there were real delicious brownies!!

Also she came up with her very first April Fool's joke-
"Mommy, come in here!"Why? What's up?"I just want to see you!"Aww, okay. "April Fool's!"What? I don't get it. What is the joke?"I didn't really want to see you."

Hahahahahahaha!

We had a lot of fun playing with the silly camera setting on my phone. Makena went through a phase where every day she was wanting to take these photos.

I went to MommyCon in San Francisco, and got to listen to some amazing lectures by awesome people who are supporters of attachment and natural parenting. Alanis Morrssette spoke about the transition to motherhood and her home birth and struggles with PPD. Dr Jay Gordon and Jamie Lynne Grumet spoke about cosleeping and full term breastfeeding and why parents aren't crazy for not blindly following whatever their pediatrician recommends. And the bloggers from The Leaky Boob and The Honest Toddler were there too, and all in all it was a fabulous day! I also got the chance to weigh Hadley before and after a nursing session and saw she ate about 4 oz.

One weekend at the farmer's market I offered to try carrying Makena in the Ergo, and she loved it! I think she feels sad sometimes to see me always carrying Hadley so close, she often asks for lots of snuggles and cuddles. I try to carve out special "Mommy & Makena" time whenever I can.

When I put Hadley down for a nap I tell Makena I'll be out in a few minutes, but sometimes it takes about 20 minutes until I can leave the bedroom. Without fail, the second I go into the bedroom Makena suddenly wants a snack, or help with something. I started telling her that she's welcome to help herself to any healthy snack, any game on the computer or show on tv. And 99% of the time she quietly picks something to do and is fine. But sometimes she interrupts nap time and comes in to ask:
"Can I have a yogurt?" 
"Can I use the computer?" 
"Can I watch another Curious George?" 
"Can you help me find the yogurt?" "Can you open the yogurt for me?"
"I can't find the yogurt and it has too much sugar so can I have some Easter chocolate instead?" 
"Is Hadley asleep yet?"
"Now is she asleep?"
"When can you put her down and come into the living room?"
"I didn't like this chocolate, can I try another one?"
"When will Mama be home?"

Lol. Sometimes she sits down to use the potty right as the baby is closing her eyes and needs me to come wipe, calling out for me while I'm trying desperately to get the baby into a deep enough sleep to put her down. And one time I walked into the kitchen to see this. She stacked a pillow, 2 stools, and a booster seat to climb onto the counter and reach a cup.

On Easter morning the girls woke up to find their baskets. Makena was so excited that she got to find Hadley's for her.

We went to my parent's house for lunch.

 Makena started to learn how to read! She started by writing a lot, and sounding out words that way, so reading has come pretty easily for her. One day she asked to bring the book Jasper's Beanstalk to school to read to her teacher. She was so proud of herself!

At the end of April we went to the Galactic Gala at Makena's preschool. My board job was the silent auction for the Spring Fundraiser, which is this super fun adults only party. But Hadley got to come because I wouldn't have attended without her, and she was happily worn anyway. Plus we won the costume contest!

Makena's really made my heart swell with gratitude and joy. I'm so happy that she and Hadley have each other. I love that in the car Makena keeps her little sister entertained. We often look back there to see Hadley just beaming at her big sister! And if we are home and busy in the kitchen Makena will usually be playing with the baby. Hadley adores her, and Makena makes her laugh like nobody else!

Mama Interview & Birthday Survey

All About Pam this time! I did the interview for me before. :)

1. What is something mama always says to you? 
Everything!

2. What makes mama happy?
 When I say "I love you" and also the Broncos.

3. What makes her sad? 
 When I don't say "I love you."

4. How does mama make you laugh? 
She tickles my tickle pits.

5. What was your mama like as a child? 
I don't know! I wasn't even born yet.

6. How old is your mama? 
Not 100. Um, 40!

7. How tall is your mama? 
29 feet.

8. What is her favorite thing to do? 
Nap.

9. What does your mama do when you’re not around? 
Watch football.

10. If your mama becomes famous, what will it be for? 
Making monkeys stick to her on sparkly dresses like I just did.

11. What is your mama really good at? 
Making breakfast.

12. What is your mama not very good at? 
I don't know. She's still learning how to make movies.

13. What does your mama do for her job? 
To be a teacher.

14. What is your mama’s favorite food? 
Peanut butter and ketchup.

15. What makes you proud of your mama? 
Um that she makes money for us and that she doesn't panic.

16. If your mama were a cartoon character, who would she be? 
Maybe Curious George's friend, the man with the yellow hat, and I'd be George.

17. What do you and mama do together? 
Go out, like to the children's museum and ride bikes and go to parks.

18. How are you and mama the same? 
We both have brown hair.

19. How are you and mama different? 
That I don't have glasses.

20. How do you know your mama loves you? 
But she always says it. "Oh I love you sweetheart, I love you." And she says it again.

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I'm trying to remember to ask Makena the following questions every year-

Favorite color?
Purple. My new favorite color is golden but I still like purple so it's a deal.

Favorite food? 
Olives.

Favorite drink? 
Water. But my favorite juice is pineapple juice!

What do you want to be when you grow up? 
I want to be a veterinarian. 

What's your favorite movie?
Frozen.

What's your favorite toy?
My giant giant castle.

What is your favorite thing about being you?
That I'm kind and helpful and I like everyone I see.

Where do you wish we could go right now?
To Disneyland!

What would you buy with a million dollars?
A new TV. A house, a plain gray one and we could paint it purple.

What's the best thing you've done this past year?
Went in the pool.

I lay awake at night

Often, about 95% of the time, right before drifting off to sleep my brain fills with scary awful what-ifs. (What if there was an earth quake right now and the building collapsed?!) I allow a moment or so to process, then quickly squelch these bad thoughts and focus on positives.

Like how much I love my children and how I so very desprately want them to always know that, especially if I dont get the pleasure of watching them grow up. It's very terrifying to think of losing them, and almost equally as horrifying to imagine them losing me. Would they remember me? Would they know about this blog? Would it comfort them? Oh how I hope so. My heart aches when I reflect upon my life and how grateful and lucky I am and the fact that there are mothers and children all over who have had to say goodbye way too soon.

Some nights I lay awake thinking of all the things I want to write down just in case. If I knew I had only a short time left I would love to write letters to both girls for them to open throughout their lives. Notes about life, friendships, love, marraige, lessons, tips, reminders. Or make videos of me talking to them, readimg stories, singing their favorite songs. Anything tangible to bring them peace. But I usually convince myself to go to bed, everything is fine. It's just that I dont want the "it'll never happen to me" attitude. Life, it's unpredictable. I don't want to regret not leaving them anything so personal and thoughtful. I don't want them to forget me. Please let them always know how much I wanted and loved them.

It is so amazing to love so fiercely, and to have pieces of my heart beating in two beautiful little girls, but it can also be so painful to admit it can all be lost. My love, my hopes and dreams for my children. My gratitude. All my cups are overflowing. I want my legacy to be that I loved deeply and never for one second took any of my gift of motherhood for granted. Oh my heart,   my heart, my heart. Every beat is a reminder. Love, love, love. Joy, joy, joy. I am forever and always blessed and beyond thankful for the most valuable riches in the universe.