Baby #2

I wanted another baby within months after Makena was born. I missed being pregnant almost immediately and quickly saw her changing from that precious newborn stage to her own little person. As she grew and learned to sit and eat real food and walk away from me, my desire for another baby grew stronger. Who doesn't love babies?! Then Makena got even older, and I realized (what I thought was) my ideal 3 years apart spacing wouldn't be happening. I was bummed out that she didn't have a sibling. I never wanted to have just an only child, I knew I wanted more than one, but not 3. I didn't want to have a middle child because I'm a middle child and I didn't love it. So either 2 or 4 kids has always been my goal.

And of course the timing (aka, our financial situation) was never right for adding to our family, and I took comfort in reminding myself of how lucky we were to be able to focus 110% on solely Makena. Still, she showed a lot of those issues that crop up in only children. I knew a sibling would be the most important gift for her and I couldn't wait to see the joy through her eyes. I knew she'd be a fantastic big sister.

We discussed Pam taking a turn to carry the next baby. When it was decided that I'd attempt to get pregnant first we assumed Pam would go next. And for a while we kept assuming that, but then she decided that logically it made more sense for me to be the pregnant one again. I had an easy enjoyable pregnancy, I'm the stay at home mom and that would make breastfeeding easier, we knew I was in better health, etc.

I really wanted 2013 to be the year we expanded our family. So after confirming that Pam was okay with passing the torch back to me, we jumped right in and I got pregnant. With a due date of 2 months before Makena's 4th birthday, I'm now thrilled with how the timing worked out.

Makena has been so beyond excited. We told her the baby won't be born until November, and that's after Halloween. She likes to come up with name suggestions (Jake, Bat, or Penis for a boy... and all the various Disney princess names and Rose Rose for a girl) and often talks about the things she can teach the baby to do. For the past year she's mentioned having a baby sister, she'd play pretend and tell me about her little sister, every doll was always a sister and never a brother. So at first she was totally hoping we'd have a girl.

Then I borrowed a big stack of books from the library about welcoming a new baby, and one of the books that Makena especially liked had a little girl who tells the story. When it talked about getting an ultrasound to determine the sex of the baby the little girl said "I hope it's a boy because we already have a girl in our family, me!" and Makena latched onto that phrase and started to say she hoped we were having a boy because we already have a girl. And then she wouldn't let it go, and we'd remind her that we didn't know yet what the baby was, and that it might be a girl or a boy. She insisted that it's okay to have a little sister, but that she wants a brother first. And of course Pam and I both have younger brothers so that was another reason to make her say she wanted a brother.

When I was pregnant with Makena I so badly wanted a girl. It should go without saying that obviously I wanted a healthy baby more than anything, but my preference was definitely for a daughter. I felt like I'd be the type of person who'd want to keep having babies until I got a girl. I'm not anti-boys, at all, but I thought I'd feel like our family wouldn't be complete until we had a daughter.

Then when imagining a second baby I pictured another girl. A sister for Makena. It would be a huge sigh of relief that we would get to re-use all her baby clothes that we've saved! I thought of all the positives of having another girl. And if it was a boy, we'd just figure it out.

And then Makena so strongly wanted a boy so we started to imagine baby #2 being a boy. And not only was I at peace with that, but even a bit excited. The chance to raise a loving gentle sensitive boy! An excuse to buy new clothes! Makena would be so excited! I had a few dreams that the baby was a boy, but I also had some girl dreams. I really didn't feel anything either way, and I started to not have a preference. Part of me was leaning towards boy, just for Makena's sake. But then again, little brothers can be such a pain, and I speak from experience! ;) And part of me was leaning towards girl, just for Makena's sake. But then again, I was a little sister and know what a pain they can be! ;)

So I'm 19 weeks pregnant today and we walked into the doctor's office for my anatomy scan. This was it, the big moment where we'd get some confirmation that that baby was healthy and hopefully get a peek at what sex it was. We took Makena along and she was looking forward to finding out. She knew we'd be able to see if there was a penis or vulva, and mentioned a few times in the last few days that she hoped it was growing a penis. We asked the doctor to let us try to determine the sex on our own, and as we were looking at the screen, just like that summer 4 years ago, I didn't see a penis. Instead I saw that telltale three lines of a hamburger shape that means girl!

The doctor confirmed and then printed out a bunch of photos for us to take home.  This was the closest to a good profile shot that he could get, baby was moving around like crazy and shifting in and out of the frame the whole time. I love how squished it is in there, and how it always looks like they don't have legs. The head is on the left, facing up to the top of the photo. Chin is tucked into chest.

This photo is even less clear, but head is still to the left. On the very left are two fists held up to the face. That little tiny white lined oval is an eye. The black spot in the middle towards the right is the heart. 

Once we knew it was a girl I turned to Makena (who had been busy with Pam's phone taking photos and video) and asked her "Did you hear what he said, it's a girl!" and she did a happy shocked/excited face.  A bit later she told Pam that she wanted a brother, but thankfully she didn't burst into tears over it! I was so happy that her initial reaction was joy that I got a little teary eyed. :)

Here's a photo that she took of me getting the ultrasound. She snapped about 12 of the exact same thing- 

My belly looks so poked up! 

Then we left and we asked if she wanted to call her Grandmo to tell her the news. She said into the phone, "I wanted a boy but I got a girl." and repeated it but my mom wasn't understanding. (I should have explained first that we just found out and that Makena was going to tell her!) Then I reminded Makena to say she was going to have a sister, so she said that and was beaming proudly as my mom congratulated her. 

We went to Carter's, the same store we went to after finding out Makena was going to be a girl, and bought a onesie for the baby. Makena of course wanted to buy a million tiny adorable outfits. I can't wait to get the big totes of of storage to see what we saved! Now I wish we hadn't sold a single thing, but I do know we kept a lot. 

I posted this photo on facebook and said that Makena bought something for her sibling, and the rest will all be hand-me-downs! 

There was a moment of disappointment almost, when I realized we weren't having a boy. I think I psyched myself up for it too much, and started to picture how special it would be to have a girl and a boy. And then a bigger realization set in, and now I know I'm having another girl. And I already have the perfect best ever daughter, so what is a second one going to be like?? I'm sure so many parents feel things like this. We love Makena so intensely that the thought of dividing that love by even a fraction seems horrifyingly impossible. Everyone says your heart grows more, I look forward to that, and I'm sure it's true! But right now it's hard to believe.

I can't stop hearing the line in that book over and over again. "We already have a girl in our family, me!" and thinking that we do already have a girl, so how could we possibly clone her awesomeness? How will we get so lucky again? What are we taking away from Makena with this gift of a sibling? And what will she receive?

We'll just have to wait and find out.

And now, the search for a name can really get started. Pam and I have been tossing names around but it's hard to think of something that is mostly unique and has a great meaning like Makena. On the drive home Makena suggested Izzy, which is funny because Jake was her front runner of boys names and both Jake and Izzy are characters from the cartoon Jake And The Neverland Pirates. Pam asked if she wanted to have a baby pirate and Makena said, "No Mama! I just want a baby with a pirate NAME!" Lol.

We didn't decide on Makena's name until a few hours after she was born. I don't know what we'll do this time. I'd love Makena to have some input, but I don't know if her name tastes are in line with my criteria. Maybe I'll do a name post another day, I'm off to bed now to snuggle up to my tiny baby who is really growing up too fast. I'm already mourning the loss of my special only little one, I know that sounds ridiculous but it's like our days are numbered and soon our lives and relationship are going to change so drastically!!

I keep reminding myself that it's all so worth it, and for the best. I can't wait to see Makena as a big sister, I can't wait to nurse a new baby again, and I can't wait to become a family of 4! A family of FOUR GIRLS! :)

4 has always been my favorite number!

Different types of mothers

This has been bothering me for a while. I can't seem to shake it off so I'm writing it out in hopes to work through it...

A few days before Mother's Day I started seeing articles online about what moms really wanted for Mother's Day. Most of them were funny, or at least supposed to be. But they all had the same general theme. And all these similar articles were posted and shared all over. Apparently a lot moms want to spend Mother's Day without their children.

At first I smiled and understood. Yes, I sure do want to go to the bathroom without interruption! Yes, I would love a visit to a spa! Yes, a bath and time to read a real book would be great! But I certainly don't want to be without Makena for the whole day. Even being without her for a short time makes me feel like my heart is missing. I can't think of anything more important I could be doing than being with her. So I started to be annoyed that the overwhelming theme was repeated over and over again that moms just want time to themselves. Me time. I've struggled with this notion that moms should need and want and deserve time alone.

Because not all moms are like that.

Some moms want to spend their Mother's Day with their child. Just like they love spending every single day with that child. Am I just lucky? Is my kid better than all these other kids who have parents that want to constantly escape from them? Am I just more cut out for motherhood because I truly love mothering 24/7 when everyone everywhere is urging me to take time for myself? Is it my personality? The fact that from a very young age all I wanted from life was to be a mom? That I saw no point to attending college and wasting all that money when I planned to be a stay at home mom someday? Or is it my mothering style? I believe in attachment parenting and the immense benefits of forming this lifelong bond. I love that Makena and I are so close. I cherish every moment that I'm blessed to spend with her!

Does this mean I don't have other interests? Things I'd like to do without her? Sure, but they are few and far between. I read another article saying that it's selfish to have more than one child because with each child you lose more and more of yourself until the only thing you are is a mom. It makes me so sad that parents who think like that have children in the first place. Don't have kids if they are such a bother to you, for goodness sake!! I can't wrap my mind around it. I love love LOVE being a mom. There is nothing I'd rather do. I haven't lost any part of myself. I've gained my full potential. Without a child I was just waiting for my life to begin. I enjoyed traveling and falling in love and sleeping in and staying out late. I loved my life, it was great! But I couldn't wait to trade that all for being a mom. I knew without a doubt that I would be a great mom, and that I'd love it!

Is that part of it too? My never-failing confidence that I'd be a great mom? I remember talking about having kids with Pam many years ago. She said she was worried she'd make mistakes and screw up her kids. I thought that was crazy talk. But I hear that repeated often. So many moms are worried they are failing somehow. Am I just lucky that I've NEVER felt that way?! Is it my years of experience working with children? My instinctual knowledge about children? Is it in my genes? Is there a mothering gene that is more dominant in some people? Was it my deep longing to be a mother? Was it my planned and very much wanted pregnancy? I can understand how this differs for a woman who didn't ever want children and ends up with an unwanted pregnancy. Maybe she was a career woman who worked her whole life to be someone important. And now she has to raise a child so she puts them in daycare and hires a night nanny because she needs to be well rested for work and she dreams of escaping to exotic child-free places. I don't know. I don't understand it, but I find I'm in the minority.

I'm certainly not saying it's all rainbows and perfection. I have my tough moments. The days that are so difficult that I can't wait for bedtime so we can start over and make tomorrow better. When we have a not awesome time/day I don't crumble into self-doubt and fear I've ruined her for life. Not at all. In the hardest moments I'm teaching her amazing lessons in how to persevere during difficult times. I get frustrated, I raise my voice. I've made her cry. But these are rare occurrences, and we get through them together with more tools on how to handle it better next time. I don't send her to her room. I snuggle her close and explain how I'm feeling. I apologize. We discuss ways to make it better. And throughout it all I never lose the feeling of the fierce love I feel for my daughter. I remember when she was just a few months old, wondering how other parents could possibly love their children as much as we loved Makena. Marveling that all over the world at the exact same time parents were gazing at their sleeping child and feeling their hearts swell with that unconditional love.

I don't think parents who want to be away from their children don't *love* them, but I do question the ways in which their love is different from mine. When I love something I tend to want it all the time. I love Cinnabons and I would happily eat one daily! Maybe that's a bad example, because surely I'd get sick of them (and probably literally sick) after a while. When Pam and I were falling in love we wanted to be together constantly. I didn't decide I wanted to go to the movies with someone else. She was my priority. I didn't want to do anything unless I was with her. At work we spent the day chatting online for hours. Meeting for lunch. Then back to chatting. It was mutually assumed we'd spend the evening and weekends together. We just belonged together. I think if you've been in love you can relate to that feeling where you can't get enough of each others company.

But I know there are people who have a different personality, and they crave alone time. They might be falling in love but still need to spend some time alone. I get that, we're all different people with different needs.

So why is it so hard for me to comprehend when parents feel that way about their children? Is it because my love for Makena is unlike anything I've ever felt? (And I seriously do really love Cinnabons.) I think part of the difference is if it's adults then they probably both feel the same way. They probably both enjoy time to themselves, and it works out great. But a child wants to be with their parents. And if they don't, it's because they've formed that critical attachment with someone else. And that would break my heart.

I get asked often if since my parents live nearby do they babysit Makena for us all the time. How nice it must be that we can drop her off at her grandparents for the weekend and get away! I'm met with shock when I explain that no, we try hard not to ever need anyone to babysit. No, we've never left her overnight. We just don't even want to! What good would that do, to spend a night away? We've considered the unlikely scenario of "what if we won an all expenses paid vacation for two and couldn't bring her with us?!" And honestly I'd have to pass. I'd worry the whole time, not enjoy it. And even if I did enjoy it I'd worry that if tragedy were to strike I'd never ever forgive myself. What would that say to Makena if she grew up knowing her parents died in a plane crash while they wanted to take a trip to get away from her?? What if we had to live with the fact that we chose to go against our guts and something happened to Makena while we were away?

How does a parent live after that? The slight possibility is enough to scare me away from taking the risk. It just isn't worth that free vacation. A week of happiness and a lifetime of regret. No, I just can't imagine and I don't want to put myself in that situation. I am well aware that tragedy can strike anywhere, anytime. Every time Pam leaves for work I know the possibility is there that she might not come home. On the instances when we leave Makena at home we try to set it up so at least she's safe at home, not out driving with someone or at a busy public place. But we live in earthquake land, and we could return home to disaster. I know these things are unlikely. I understand how probability works. But I also believe in intuition and listening to my gut.

It just feels wrong to be apart from Makena. I don't find joy in it, at all. She's 3 and a half, she's still so little! I'm not talking about a 16 year old who wants to go to the mall with friends. I'm talking about a child who wants to be with me as much as possible. And I'm so so SO happy that I want to be with her too. How lucky is she to have TWO moms who are so equally focused on being as present as possible?! Our life would be very difficult if Pam was constantly begging me for a weekend away, for a kid-free dinner date. Thank god we are on the same page!

How lucky is Makena to have a mom who comes home from work and rushes in the door to take her to the park to play? A mom who calls when she has to miss bedtime because she's in a night class? A mom who hates going to work when she sees me struggling after a rough night of sleep and dealing with a cranky child? Many parents take that opportunity to escape, and are relieved to not be dealing with the tough moments. But Pam and I are a team, and we share parenting duties as equal as possible. And that means Pam is here as much as she can be. Sometimes that means turning down desperately needed money/work shifts in favor of spending the day with us. What are we teaching Makena with that? In our family, family means more than money. As hard as it is to scrape by living paycheck to paycheck, I'm SO thankful that the biggest takeaway from Makena's childhood will be that we value time together more than anything else. More than money, more than her parents getting "me" time. We value our lives together as a family unit. We put Makena and her needs first, because she is the heart of our family.

There's simply no way possible we'd ever regret that.

A day with my almost 3.5 year old

I've been wanting to do a post like this for a very long time. Today we didn't have any plans so when Makena asked what we were doing today, I said taking photos of everything we do. This is a fairly normal day when we are at home. She seemed more emotional than usual today, but it was hot and I was tired and not giving her as much energy as she's used to.

6:30 am 

We wake up. Lay in bed cuddling and trying to sleep more. Makena starts to get restless and asks me to get up with her. I say not right now, and tell her to check if Mama is awake. I hear Pam in the shower and Makena doesn't want to get out of bed without me. I tell her to help rub my feet to wake them up. My foot massage plan doesn't work. I tell her to go potty and surprise Mama in the bathroom. I keep trying to roll over and fall asleep. She gets up and I close my eyes. Pam comes in to get dressed, Makena asks me to get up again. Pam can't find her glasses and is going to be late for work.

7:30 

I get out of bed and within 2 seconds find Pam's glasses on the couch. 

7:40 

Pam leaves for work. She shuts the door before noticing that Makena blew her a kiss. Makena cries and is sad. 

8:00 

I make a lazy breakfast for Makena, she asks for frozen corn and bread with butter. I give her some strawberries too.

 

8:30 

I get cinnamon toast for myself and make tea. Put the TV on, Makena asks for Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

9:00 

We play a game, pop up three little pigs. Then we do a couple puzzles.

9:15

We play with our Tegu magnetic blocks. She makes a playground. 

9:20

I get on the couch and open the computer. E-mails, Facebook.

9:30

Makena's playing with her doll house and the playground she made.

 

9:45 

She asks me if I want to have a picnic. I say maybe later when the sun comes up. She means a pretend picnic. Somehow it turns into a superhero delivering me food.

 10:00

She's running around playing while I try to get our printer set up. I can't figure it out. Send a text to Pam asking for help.

10:10 

She's climbing all over me on the couch.

10:15 

She's playing pretend with her cat stuffed animal then the cat is hurt and she's a veterinarian. She calls this stuffed animal Donte, (after our cat who passed away almost a year ago) and tells me "See, Donte didn't die, we can just pretend he's still here!" Then she's playing doctor with me. I tell her my feet hurt and she should rub them. She doesn't fall for it.

10:20 

She asks for a snack. I give her a banana. She wants to peel it. Then she noticed that I put a letter of hers in the recycling bin. She takes it out and drops it in the middle of the living room floor.

10:30 

I'm still trying to get printer to work. Makena picks up the Nintendo DS and tries to play the Yoshi's Island game but can't, so she puts in the Elmo game in and plays for a bit.

10:40 

I say it's time to pick up the living room floor. We put toys away. She goes potty. I encourage her to wipe herself but she asks for my help.

10:50 

She takes out her crayons and a piece of paper from the printer (that I gave up on) and starts coloring. I check the laundry room to see if the one washing machine is free. No luck. I tried 4 times yesterday with no luck.

11:00 

I put the Pandora music station on and we sing and dance while still coloring. 

11:15 

I ask if she wants to do a craft. She picks a paper mache globe craft. It's a sticky messy project.

11:45 

She gets upset that we are done with the craft but it has to dry. I put it outside in the sun. She wants a juice popsicle and strawberries. I put on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and lay down on the couch with my phone. Words With Friends game, more Facebooking, texting.

12:15 

I start boiling water for mac and cheese.

12:20 

I check the laundry room again.
 

12:35 

Makena is crying because I poured the pasta into pot and apparently she wanted to. I put on another episode of Daniel Tiger. We eat lunch in front of the TV. I'm on the computer. We're talking constantly. Even with the TV on Makena has never been a zombie, but that's probably because I continue to engage with her as we watch together. But right now I want to zone out. 

12:45 

She asks for more food.

12:50 

Washing machine is finally open! I put a load in then start doing the dishes. Makena calls for me to help her on the toilet. I return to dishes. She turns the TV off and plays with Pam's guitar singing Baby Beluga. And then Under the Sea. My mom stopped by a bit ago to leave us a doughnut, and Makena asks for her doughnut. 

1:25 

The dishes are done. I do another load of laundry.

 

1:40 

I sit down to answer and send some messages. She asks for cereal. I sit back down and she asks for water. I sit down again and she asks for more carrots and hummus.

1:48 

I sit down. Get on the computer. Makena's snacking. Then she's playing with her Build-a-Bear. Drops all the clothes out of the box. Then she's climbing on the recliner I'm sitting in. As I type this, she randomly cuddles me and says "Mommy, I love you."

1:55 

She's still climbing all over me, playing pirate. Hiding behind the recliner asking me to find her. I suggest she pick up her bear clothes or put away the guitar. She wants to go swimming and won't stop asking when we can go. I tell her when the laundry is done.

2:00  

I'm getting frustrated. I want two minutes of silence. I go check on the laundry. Come back and she's asking if we can go swimming now. No, still drying another load. She's upset. I have a headache. I put on Zaboomafoo and drink more water. I close my eyes for a few minutes as we cuddle on the couch.

2:15 

I switch the last load into the dryer.

2:20 

She's still asking to go in the pool. Now she's asking for the other half of her doughnut. I want to sit here and do nothing. Why won't she just sit and watch this show?! It's an episode about snow so we talk about going to the snow again some day.

2:30 

I turn the TV off, we read some books.

2:55 

She wants me to play with the magnetic dress up princess dolls. We're pretending it's Sleeping Beauty's birthday. 

3:00 

The laundry is done.

3:15 

The folding done, bathing suits on. Potty break. I put her suit back on.

3:20 

In the pool!

4:10 

Back home. She's crying about the lame "no squirting" rule the manager told us about.

4:15 

In our dry clothes, she asks for a snack. I give her almonds and the rest of the banana. I sit to go online and she asks for more water. I sit down and she needs me to help with potty.

4:25 

I sit down, tired and frustrated. She asks for the rest of her doughnut. I say no, finish your healthy snack. She is upset. Doesn't want this banana, wants a different one. I tell her she only gets one banana unless she finishes the whole thing and wants another. She wants the rest of her doughnut instead. She wants strawberries. I get up, give strawberries to her. 

4:30

Sit down. She wants the strawberries cut. Wants me to watch the Daniel Tiger episode about the mom getting angry. We talk about how I was feeling frustrated and tired and how she's big enough to get things for herself or wait a bit until I am done.

4:33 

She asks more strawberries. I ask if she can wait a few minutes. She starts to cry. I'm trying so hard to help her learn delayed gratification!! It's not going well. 

4:40 

She wants to turn off Daniel Tiger. We pop the balloon from our craft earlier. She likes her Earth globe. Doesn't like that the balloon popped. She tries to put a flashlight inside the globe and rips a bit of it.

4:50 

We read books.

4:55 

Snuggles on the recliner.

5:00 

We pick up toys because Mama is coming home soon.

5:05 

We play a game.

5:25 

We're done with the game. She's sad she can't get the frogs to hop in. I should be thinking about or prepping dinner. Sitting and playing on my phone instead.

5:30 she says she needs me. I tell her to grab some books.

5:40

We sing songs and be silly. Pam should be home any minute.

5:50
I finally get an idea and start dinner. Rice, broccoli, and tofu.

6:00 

Pam is home!
 

6:25 

I sit down while dinner cooks. Normally we eat at 6. Oops! Pam and Makena are playing a game.

6:30 

I console a crying Makena. She's mad that Pam was helping her count her points.

6:35 

We put Daniel Tiger on.

6:50 

Dinner is ready, TV off.

7:15

Makena takes a bath with Mama.

7:30 

Done with bath. Put on pjs, read a book. She picks The Napping House and asks, "What's napping?" LOL! Coming from Makena it's no wonder she doesn't know what napping is! Pam helps her brush her teeth. 

7:50 

We all lay in bed. Makena is chatty. Talking about the new baby, wondering why November is so far away, crying a bit. Yawning a lot.

8:00 She says she needs to get up and go potty. She goes by herself! Back in bed and more chatting.

8:05 

Tell her it's time to be quiet. She switches between cuddling both of us in bed. I remind her that if she can't fall asleep then Mama can rock her in the chair.
 

8:15 

She falls asleep!

Mother's Day trip to Seattle and lots of changes!

For Mother's Day we went to Seattle (Tacoma actually) to be with some of Pam's family. Her mom flew up from Texas and we stayed with her aunt and got to visit with her grandma and a few more family members. Pam has a photo of herself when she's little, with her mom, grandma, and great-grandma, and she's been saying forever that she wants to replicate the photo with Makena. So basically we took this trip just to take a photo. ;) Makena had a blast with Pam's second cousin, Royale, who was just a couple years older than her. They played in the sprinklers and enjoyed popsicles together.

We were only there for 4 days, and we had plans to spend one day in Seattle but on the drive there Makena threw up in the car. :( She had been sick a few days before our trip but we were hoping she was over it. So instead we went to the zoo.

Grandma Carol, Pam, and Makena looking at a tiger.

After this carousel ride we were looking in the gift shop and Makena threw up again. Apparently whatever bug she had made her completely fine except for some motion sickness. Poor thing.

On Mother's Day I woke up wanting to eat some grits, so I looked on Yelp for some restaurant ideas. Found this awesome Southern Kitchen place, and they had cheese grits and fresh strawberry lemonade with whipped cream!

Then later we went to see the rest of the family for a big get together meal. Makena wore this shirt-

It says "Only Child Expiring November 2013" and was our way of announcing that she's going to be a big sister! When I got pregnant and saw that I'd be 12 weeks along on Mother's Day I knew that's when I wanted to tell everyone. So I made some gifts for my mom to open (a picture of the sonogram and a mouse pad that listed her 4 grandkids and announced grandkid #5 was due in November) and we had Makena wear that shirt for the family we were visiting to see. It took a bit for people to catch on and understand, and then everyone was very happy and excited for us. I got a call from my mom after she opened her gifts, of course she was shocked and elated and crying! 

We didn't tell many people that we were trying for another baby, which is so completely different from when we got pregnant with Makena. But everything has felt so different this time around, and I wanted to reach a safer point in the pregnancy before telling Makena and the rest of our world. She's been asking for a long time for a sibling, and she's thrilled! I'm 16 weeks pregnant now and we find out later this month if it's a boy or girl. For a long time Makena talked about having a baby sister, she'd pretend she had a sister and was set on us having two girls. Then we borrowed a library book about being a big sister, and the girl says that she's happy they're having a baby boy because their family already has a girl. And now that's all Makena will say, that she wants a brother because we only have girls in our family. So that makes me almost wish for a boy, just to make her happy! 

 

Here's the photo of Pam sitting on her great-grandma's lap, next to her grandma with her mom behind them.

And here's the photo of Makena sitting on her great-grandma's lap, next to her grandma with her mom behind them!

So anyway, we're having a second baby. It's definitely the most exciting news, but that's not all that's new!

With my pregnancy I noticed an almost immediate drop in my milk supply. Makena was still nursing to sleep every night, and nursing a bit in the morning as we lay in bed. But early on, and especially by week 10, nursing became uncomfortable/painful for me and she started complaining that there wasn't any milk. I was feeling badly that I was forcing her to wean, but I talked to a bunch of people and realized that I wasn't forcing her really, that it was a natural tapering off. She was still free to nurse as she wanted, but eventually she would get frustrated and sad and we ended up one night with her cuddling in bed with me trying to get her to sleep without nursing. And she turned to me and hid her face in my chest and said in a wavering little voice- "It's hard to fall asleep alone." I said "I'm right here, you aren't alone." and she said "I mean without milk." She was holding back tears and it broke my heart. Then she just rolled over and fell asleep. It was May 25th, the third night in a row that I didn't nurse her to sleep. I was equally proud and sad. I've always wondered what weaning would look like logistically, but never really thought about how it would feel. I appreciate the fact that she's old enough to understand and can voice her feelings, and since then she will occasionally ask for milk and I let her try for a bit but she ends up rolling over and going to sleep. She doesn't ask at all in the morning, and she is aware that the new baby will arrive and drink the milk. She suggests that they can each share one side. We'll see...

One change that was unexpected with the weaning was that she's been sleeping much more soundly. Normally she'd wake a couple times during the night because she's just never been a heavy sleeper. But now she doesn't wake when I crawl into bed next to her, and she hasn't woken up in the middle of the night at all! (Yes, I just knocked on wood.) I've been tired lately and Pam gets home so late nowadays, that I've been falling asleep before 10, and sometimes before 9! Meaning I wake up feeling refreshed and awesome after about 10 hours of sleep!

Another change is that Pam has been enrolled in some night classes for film, and since we share a car and had scheduling conflicts, I'm pretty much done with my very part-time babysitting job. I've been able to pick up a couple random hours here and there, and was watching Makena's friend Lyra one morning a week in our home but now the school year has ended so that's done too. Pam's summer schedule is absolutely crazy, it changes week to week and her shifts are all over the place, plus she's going to take more night classes. Having one car is extremely difficult when she needs it so often! Thankfully we live within walking distance to many things, but I'm already anticipating the need of a second car once November rolls around.

Speaking of Fall, Makena is hopefully going to be attending a new preschool that we are very excited about. We're hopeful that we can get a scholarship, because otherwise there's no way we can afford it. But we've visited twice and love it. It'll be a great match for us! It's a co-op and I'll be assigned one day a week (out of the 3 days a week she'll attend) to work in the classroom. But what I love is that they'll let me stay in class with her for as long as we need before she's comfortable separating. Being that she's never really done any sort of class without me, it might be a challenge, and I'm glad I don't need to force her since I get to stay home and not worry about working and needing her to be without me. And hopefully this gives her some time to get used to the new place/teacher before the baby is born, because who knows what'll happen then!!

Another new thing is that my parents got some backyard chickens! They have four and they were tiny days old chicks when they brought them home. Makena really loves visiting them and feeding them treats. I'm looking forward to organic free-range eggs!!

And the only other change I can think of is that recently Makena had an eye infection. At the park one day she got some sand in her eye, and she kept rubbing at it and saying it hurt, and two days later it was swollen and her eyelid was droopy with some excess gunk in it. I was hesitant to bring her to the doctor because I was worried they'd automatically prescribe antibiotics, but I spent a day calling an advice nurse and monitoring her eye and eventually we decided to go have her looked at. I thought there might be a piece of sand stuck under her eyelid, but the doctor put a special dye in her eye then used a black-light and reported there were no scratches or anything, so that was great. But she said it was infected so we went home with the antibiotic eye drops. Getting them in her eyes was a struggle at first, but it cleared up right away and she became a pro at letting us administer them for all 5 days, 4 times a day! She even used water to practice on us, and her dolls. A couple days later I got a pink irritated goopy eye, but it went away after using coconut oil in it twice.

I've been wanting to update for a while, but we got rid of cable and were inadvertently without internet for about a month. And then our computer just wouldn't turn on one day. I'm still not sure what's wrong with it because we can't get it to turn on! Then we got internet set up and a new Chromebook (as a belated Christmas present!) and now our TV isn't working. It's funny but mostly annoying that the second we fix one problem another problem arises! Then again, if lack of tv is my biggest problem, I'm pretty darn lucky.

And with that, I'm going to go snuggle my precious little almost 3.5 year old!!

Swinging through preschool!

September 19th, 2012. Makena on her first day of preschool. (As mentioned previously, she and I attended this once a week class together. She will start a new preschool this fall and eventually attend by herself for the first time ever!! But more about that later.)

I wish I had thought to take a photo of her in this same spot by the fence on her last day of school, but at least I did take a photo of her on the swings each day! There are some days missing due to us being absent from illness, and some weeks class didn't meet or we were out at a field trip. And there's a big chunk missing due to rainy days when we didn't play outside.

September 19th, 2012

September 26th

October 3rd

October 10th

October 24th

 October 31st

November 7th

December 19th

January 9th, 2013

January 16th

 January 30th

February 6th

February 27

March 6th

March 20th

 March 27th

April 3rd

April 17th

April 24th

May 1st

May 22nd

Last day of school, May 22nd 2013

Makena loved this school, it was perfect for us both, and a great first school experience for her!