Makena's Frozen 5th Birthday Party!

Makena wanted a Frozen party the shortly after she saw the movie. I rolled my eyes at the idea, tried to suggest other things, but she was insistent. Her 3rd birthday party was a snow theme, and we had some leftover stuff, and other friends gave us their leftover Frozen stuff, so we went for it! She says she wants her 6th birthday at Chuck-E-Cheese's so she can go inside the ticket blaster thing. We'll see. After this party I felt really done with party planning. And that bums me out because I used to really LOVE party planning! I mean, I still do, but I just wish we had more money I guess, so that I could do more and not feel guilty about every little dollar.

We had her party at preschool. She made the guest list, inviting a few new friends from preschool. She asked for a pinata. I don't like pinatas, but we found a hilariously huge one for cheap. We filled it with blue and white and silver beads, blue bead necklaces, bracelets, York peppermint patties, mini packages of Frozen jellybeans, and blue candy canes.

We had bags and foam snowflakes for the kids to decorate with stickers, pin the carrot nose on Olaf, and that's about it for activities. So much for freeze dance and musical chairs, both of which Makena asked to do but we forgot. Thankfully she didn't bring it up! The kids also got a blue pipe cleaner to take home and string their beads on to. After the pinata broke open (this thing was too-well constructed, I ended up having to rip it apart and shake it out!) the kids sat under it quietly for a while, collecting beads in the tanbark. The next day at school some kids were still delighted to find more beads! I bet there are more still there.

Makena asked for an ice cream cake. I looked up some recipes but decided it would be better to make a regular cake and decorate it awesomely. Then we decided to make the cake special by putting surprise blue polka dots inside it, like snowballs! It came out really well and was a huge hit! Pam made a sheet of blue glass candy, and shattered it into pieces to make an ice castle. 

While singing happy birthday Makena gave Pam a little hug, then she turned and gave me one. She is really the sweetest thing!

Hadley had a blast with the balloons!

Makena got some really fantastic gifts- a trio of different ice cream store gift cards for her own frozen enjoyment, Legos, games, clothes, and a bunch of fun crafts including Shrinky-Dinks! I know a lot of people don't do gifts for their kids birthdays, and I totally understand that. Some kids have entire bedrooms and playrooms full of toys. And while my kids do have more toys than they need, they don't really get new toys or clothes or other things throughout the year. Christmas and their birthday are when we pull every resource together to shower them with their needs and wants and fun stuff to mix it all up and tide us over until next year.

Earlier in the morning of her party day (which was 2 days before her real birthday) I gave her the American Girl doll that I'd been so excited to give to her! She's been asking for one ever since the store opened near us. That year we got her the Target knock-off version, but the quality is clearly lacking. She has two of those dolls and their hair is a horrendous mess and they don't stand up. Makena really wanted to have a real AG doll and go to the salon and cafe at the store. A friend of mine contacted me and said she had a doll that she wanted to give to me for Makena. I was thrilled!! The doll is in beautiful condition, and she gave me some clothes too. I was worried that Makena wouldn't completely love the doll, since it's not one that looks like her. She has the catalog and has circled the dolls that have light skin and curly hair. This doll has medium skin and straight hair. But thankfully she loves her! My mom is going to bring Makena to store for a day of fun, they have reservations at the bistro and I can't wait to see photos!! My mom also got her an Elsa dress for her doll, which was perfect for the party!

On the day of her birthday we dropped her off at preschool and went on a tour at a local school we are hoping to send her to. After that we joined her in class and she did her sun walk, carrying the earth around 5 times. We asked where she wanted to go for her birthday meal (lunch, since I had a meeting later and would miss dinner time) and she picked PF Chang's, "the place with the noodles and Baby Buddha Feast!" (Which is steamed broccoli, carrots, and snap peas... things she eats at home practically every day, lol.)

After lunch we went to the American Girl doll store, with her doll, who she named Rebecca Alexis. The name is awesomely ironic, because those are practically the same names of the girls whose mom gave me the doll. Kismet! She got to pick out a hair brush and pair of pajamas for her doll. Pam also bought Makena a Razor scooter, pink with light-up wheels of course! It was a fun day. And now we have a 5 year old. And a 1 year old. And basically my life is this crazy dream. 

5 YEARS OLD.

When Makena was a newborn baby Pam and I would stare at her and say to each other, "Oh my god, one day she'll be walking. And talking. And one day she will be FIVE." 

5 years seems like a long time before you have kids. I am very aware of how quickly 5 years goes by now, and I'm freaking out a little that I'll blink again and the next 5 will have passed.

Makena asked me tonight if she still have her soft spot on her head. She was rubbing the top of her head and asked me to check. "If I still have it, it means I'm still a little bit a baby." And she said it in a longing way, like she wants to hold on to that piece of being a baby. She's been 5 years old for a week, and she is teetering on the edge of babyhood and big girl. But I know. I know that she's so much less baby now. She a stark contrast to her baby sister, who at 1 year old is barely baby enough. A baby you can hold, and place down, and come back to. Then they learn to walk, and they decide when to walk away from you. And they learn how to talk, and they speak their own mind and say things that make you want to cry, in good and in bad ways. 

At five years old she is so very sweet. She is smart. Bright and eager to learn, motivated to do the right thing. She likes to follow rules. She is sensitive. Wants to please people, doesn't like to rock the boat. She empathetic, takes other peoples feelings into account and puts them before hers. She is keenly aware of other people not doing the right thing. She is silly. She loves to sing and perform at home, in front of us or on her own. She craves our attention, always asking to play board games, or play with her dolls or do Lego stuff, a new favorite activity.

She is a perfectionist at times, gets frustrated when her work isn't the "right" way. She gets annoyed when someone interrupts her. She holds in her feelings sometimes and then lets it all out later in the safety and comfort of home. She has an amazing memory, will remember details of things that we can barely remember. She can be so grumpy. She will snap at us for absolutely nothing. "Makena are you hungry for lunch?" "Why are you asking me that?! I just ate an apple!" "After you brush your teeth don't forget to put your shoes on so we can get out the door in time." "Stop telling me to put on my shoes, I already know!!!!!!!" The outbursts are perplexing and annoying. She'll sigh out a "sorry!" and almost roll her eyes, and then a minute later be a puddle of tears with genuine remorse. She is trying on all sorts of hats. I'm glad that the ones that fit best are the ones we are most used to. She's kind, above all, but testing out different attitudes for size.

She can read and write. READ AND WRITE. My little baby! She doesn't like to make mistakes, wants more help than she really needs. Gets very emotional. Asks for hugs whenever she's upset. She is creative and has awesome ideas for things. She is so thoughtful, and will come up with suggestions and solutions that I wouldn't have thought of.

She is learning how to be more comfortable speaking her mind. I saw her raise her hand while sitting at the rug for story time at preschool. She didn't know I was there. The teacher had just finished a book about saying goodbye in other languages. Other kids were chattering away, and Makena's hand went up. She kept it up despite the teacher not noticing her at first, and despite the other kids talking. She kept it up until the teacher quieted down the other kids and called on her. I couldn't wait to hear what she wanted to say, what she felt was so important that she was calling attention to herself and going to talk to an adult on her own. "Is adios french?" That was her question. The teacher answered, and then Makena turned her head and spotted me. She smiled shyly, maybe a little embarrassed, maybe a little proud. I smiled back, trying to radiate how proud I was, how happy it makes me to see her interacting with others.

She can be slow to warm, but perks up and gets silly and animated. She can stop what she's doing and say goodbye with a simple, "okay!" when I ask, or she can burst into tears and whine about bot wanting to leave. She can bargain with me, "5 more minutes? When I'm done with this last thing? How about I play a little more until you are finished with Hadley's diaper?" And I usually agree because she's made a smart request.

She can get so disappointed. Waiting for friends or Grandmo to arrive can be extremely hard for her. She likes to make countdown calendars to pass time. She wakes up in the morning ready to play, asking us to do something with her. She can be exhausting, but she is so very mild tempered compared to other kids. Her emotions tend to come from a place of sadness rather than anger.

She is joy. She is a warm snuggle. She makes me want to be a better person. Parenting her gives me more purpose than I've ever felt before. I am so thankful that I get to spend so much time with her. These years are flying by, I want to slow down and savor it all!!

------------------------------------------------------
I'm trying to remember to ask Makena the following questions every year-

Favorite color?
Purple. I also like violet.

Favorite food? 
Olives. Olives are my favorite food because they are so black and round. Raspberries, broccoli walnut pasta!

Favorite drink? 
Blackberry mojito tea lemonade at Starbucks, fruit punch juice, and mint iced tea.

What do you want to be when you grow up? 
Veterinarian. A hair cutter. A cook.

What's your favorite movie?
I have 3 favorite movies. Frozen, Rapunzel, and Little Mermaid. Wait can you change that one? What's the real name? Tangled? Okay change it to say Tangled.

What's your favorite toy?
My American Girl doll, and games and Legos and stuffed animals, and playing with my sister!

What is your favorite thing about being you?
I like that I'm very very smart and very very helpful. And I have a GREAT family. I'm funny, sing, dance, that's all.

Where do you wish we could go right now?
Legoland!

What would you buy with a million dollars?
Another American Girl doll. And 20 Lego sets. And buy a car and buy you and Mama and Hadley a new house with 2 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms, Hadley and me will have a bunk bed, you and Mama will have your own bathroom and me and Hadley will have our own bathroom.

What's the best thing you've done this past year?
Camping, our vacation to Legoland and Disneyland and the beach with Ian and Colin, the 17 days we had off from school and work because we could all play video games and that was my first time playing Disney skate and then I loved it. And also my birthday party because Ian and Colin came!

What I want my children to have.

Confidence.
I don't know how I ended up with this much confidence, but it's been really working out well for me. I think and talk through decisions and make a choice I feel the most comfortable with. I hope my confidence and self-esteem doesn't come off as being aloof, I certainly don't think I'm perfect and can do no wrong. I don't think anyone is perfect, but I think I'm definitely pretty awesome. Little things don't tend to bother me, people say things that others ask "aren't you annoyed by that?!" and no, not really. I am able to recognize what what people say is mostly a reflection of themselves, and how they are feeling. So I don't let it affect me. I'm not sure if I even do it consciously most of the time, like if I'm actively choosing to not feel a certain way, or if it's just how I am. So many people seem to think they have to reach certain goals, or do XYZ to feel worthy, or they feel like they are awful parents and screwing their kids up. I don't have a lot of goals. Enjoying a happy and healthy life and raising great people are my goals. I do that every day, and if one day has a few blips that's okay and totally normal. Tomorrow is another chance, and we get a lifetime of tomorrows! I'm not an awful parent, my kids prove to me every day that I'm doing a lot right. Maybe if they were more challenging I'd second guess that? I know I'm lucky with easy kids, but then again maybe they are easy because I rock at parenting?? We'll see how the next 5, 10, 15 years go! I have a feeling we'll be okay, and if not we will get through it. But anyway, I think confidence is a wonderful personality trait. I am not confident in every single thing I do, of course, but I'm confident to know I'm not a failure even if I make a wrong choice.

Happiness.
This is obvious, right? I want them to know joy. To feel happy when they've made others happy. I hope they have a lifetime full of happy memories, of times they giggled with friends and erupted into laughter so strong that it caused tears to fall down their faces as they gasp for breath. I want them to experience things in life that make them happy. Foods they love, places they want to travel to, things they long to do. I hope they get lots of chances to participate in things that bring them happiness.

Questions.
I want them to think about and question everything. Not in a skeptical argumentative way, but in a thoughtful way to encourage conversation. Conversation is always a good thing. I hope they are good communicators, and if that isn't their strong point I hope they can at least value the importance of communicating in spite of it being something they struggle with.

Answers.
Sometimes they will have questions, but sometimes they will have answers. I hope they can feel knowledgeable in a few areas, and comfortable being a source of information for others. Whatever they have to contribute to the world, I hope it's something positive that they can share to help someone else. I don't care if it's a friend, a few peers, a group of employees, a city, or the world leaders. They have something to contribute.

Trust.
If you stop to think about everything wrong with the world it can be a scary dark place. I want them to believe that there is good. That the world has so many beautiful unbelievably GOOD things that happen every single day. I hope they learn to trust that they are full of stars, and that everyone else is too, but sometimes things get in the way of letting those stars shine. But trust that even in dark times there is a time for light.

Love.
Especially loving a child. I don't know if it's possible to experience love this deeply unless you are a parent. The kind of love where you watch your child draw a circle for the first time. Where you see them make a good decision despite what a friend is doing. When they offer the last cookie to you even though you know they really want it. When they rest their head on your shoulder and know that every single thing in their world is absolutely perfect just because you are together. That kind of love makes my heart swell. It makes me realize that my parents felt the same way watching me grow up. There's a very interesting thing that happens when you come full circle like that. Gratitude, relief, a sense of peace. And the realization that the gift of raising the next generation is on your shoulders, and that raising them with love has the power to change the world for the better. That kind of love is hard to explain. There is more love. Loving a job, finding what they are passionate about. Loving a significant other, falling in love and feeling excited and nervous and confused and beautiful and wanted and loved. Loving a pet, and knowing when it's time to end that pet's suffering. Loving something so much that letting it leave is the right choice, despite what your heart is telling you. If my children don't have their own kids one day then I hope it's by choice, and not in spite of them trying. The decision to not have children is completely okay, one I will respect even though I know I'd love to experience the love of being a grandma. But if my kids want to be parents and can't make that dream come true, oh, my heart hurts at the thought of it. Something I hope they will always be aware of is my love for them. No matter what. I may not always like the decisions they make, I assume I won't! But they are my children, they exist because I wanted them more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. They are a part of me, and they carry my love. I hope they know that. I hope they can feel it when it's quiet. I hope they can hear me humming Edelweiss while rocking them back and forth against my beating heart.

(Or as I sing it, "bless my baby forever.")

Nighttime thoughts

It's always when I'm laying in bed at night, about to fall asleep, that I feel the need to write here. It's like suddenly, surrounded on each side by my children, I need to let them know how grateful I am and how much I love them. I'm so afraid that one day they'll lose me. Me losing them would be horrible beyond belief. But they are so young that I know they could grow up happily without even remembering me, or with questions I'll never be able to answer.

So I lay down and get all these ideas of everything I want to say to them. Words I hope they can turn to when they need them. And then If convince myself that that's silly and unnecessary and I should just go to sleep.

So here, quickly- Be your best self. When you figure out who you are I hope you are able to be confident in your every day decisions, and feel proud of your accomplishments. Stay friends with each other. If not best friends, at least close enough friends that you enjoy each other's company and stay in touch if distance separates you some day.

Forgive yourself. You'll make mistakes and that's okay. The important thing is to listen to the lesson. Find a passion that enriches the lives of others who need it. And do it not for the money, its important that my children understand how little importance I place on money. Do it because it makes you happy to see your work bring joy or relief to others. Lift as many burdens as you can, but not too many that you become lost.

Try to put yourself in others shoes as often as you can. If you can't walk a mile in them, use your imagination. Know that people all want happiness, or at least they should. And deep down they must, even if they don't realize it, and with that find the good in everyone. Even the awful people. They were once little beautiful souls who crawled into their parents laps when they were scared.

Don't settle. Strive for greatness. Not everything will be great always, but even some great mixed with some good and a sprinkling of okay and a pinch of bad is pretty great! If something isn't working for you, change it. Ask for help. Talk. Communicate. Think about what you want and deserve, and get there. It might be really hard work. That's normal, and you can do it. I have so much faith in you both.

 If you are blessed with children of your own someday, (and oh how I hope you are, if only so then you'll fully understand how much I love you!) mother them with love and respect. Remember that they will be the next generation, so treat them how you hope they will treat others. And try to remember your own childhoods.

Sometimes I think it would be so wonderful to be given our exact death date, to plan accordingly. I'd write you each letters to open yearly, videotape myself talking, record my voice reading books and singing, and leave the world feeling like I left you prepared. Instead I have this blog. That I never update as often as I want. That I spend trying to quickly catch up when all I want to do is write more. But now it's late. Not too late, just late and I'm tired and you are both stirring, and I love you.