What could've been a tragic day...

Whenever Makena is at the playground I have thoughts of, "What if a dog ran away from it's owner and attacked her? What if she fell off the top of that play structure? What if she lost her footing and slipped down the stairs? What if, what if, what if..."

I'm not sure why I do it. I think I try to imagine the worst so that I'm not blindsided when it happens. As though picturing her falling in my head will prepare me for how to handle it in real life.

Unfortunately it just doesn't work out that way.

We had a busy day on Monday March 19th. We dropped Pam off at work then went shopping for birthday gifts and clothes for Makena. We went home for a bit and then headed to Pump It Up to play. They had a free session for facebook fans. I figured we'd kill some time there and then head to work.

Makena had a blast, the place was practically empty. We bounced and laughed and had a lot of fun. When we left we stopped in the grocery store across the street for a few things. She wanted a bag of trail mix. I let her pick the kind with the fake M&M's. We were about to head to work but got a call that there had been some puking and made the decision to not potentially expose Makena to any germies.

I had a few hours to kill before picking up Pam at work and didn't want to drive back home, so I called my mom. We were going to meet at the park near her house but then I needed to borrow her fridge to put my groceries in. I drove to her place, and then we walked to Eagle Park.

We played for a while, and my mom helped a kid get his shoe out of a tree. 

Then it was time to pack up and go, I was thinking maybe Makena and I would walk over to the library for a bit while my mom went home. We were picking up the sand toys and Makena wanted to go down the slide one more time. She started climbing up the stairs of the big play structure, the one clearly marked for 5-12 year olds. I was half watching her, half talking with my mom. We were only about 10 feet away. Then as she got up higher I realized there were too many kids up there, and I said it looked dangerous and walked over to stand closer. I stood and watched as she stepped on to the high platform. There were about 6 kids up there, I wasn't sure why they weren't going down the slide. I was glad that Makena scooted out of the way and waited her turn to go down the slide. I was concerned that maybe an older kid would cut in front of her, or that they would go down before waiting for the slide to be clear. Makena and I had eye contact. I'm sure I probably smiled and nodded to her, acknowledging that she was doing the right thing by waiting nicely.

I noticed she was back against one of those openings where kids can climb up and down, so I was about to walk under the play structure to stand directly below her. I was worried she might lose her footing or step too close to the edge. 

And then two little boys, perhaps about 5 years old, started to rough house. There was a little scuffle, some pushing and shoving, when suddenly they knocked into Makena and she went flying out the opening. Even though I saw the whole thing, even though I anticipated her possibly falling, even though I was already in motion moving towards her when it happened, I watched in horror as my baby fell. She fell SO FAST. It was about an 8 foot drop, and she fell in a V shape, butt first. As I ran with my arms stretched out the thought crossed my mind, "What will I do, can I catch her?!" But I didn't. About a foot in front of me she landed with a thud.

Her body did a horrible crumble, I still can't shake the image from my mind. She folded in half then whip-lashed and hit her head back on the sand. It happened within a split second, in the moments before I reached her. I was afraid to move her at first, but she was screaming and tried to sit up, so I figured she was okay to be moved. I scooped her up in my arms and sat there rocking her as she cried a terrified painful cry. Then my mom was right there, comforting me, as I comforted Makena. "Shh, it's okay, it's okay." I remember repeating that over and over. My mom asked if she wanted milk, and Makena said yes, so I carried her to a bench and nursed her. We looked her over and she had a bump and redness at the back/bottom of her head near her neck. I texted Pam and told her there was an emergency, that Makena fell from the top of the playground, that she was okay but I think we should go to the doctor. She replied immediately, which is rare. "Come get me." I called the doctor and told them what happened, and they said to come right in. We had to walk back to my parents apartment, then I had to buckle Makena in her car seat and drive to get Pam. I was worried about the drive. Worried Makena would fall asleep and lose consciousnesses as I drove. She was already tired, we had a long day and she didn't nap. I was a wreck driving, totally distracted and having a hard time concentrating. I kept checking her in the mirror and talking to her to make sure she was awake. I got to Pam and she drove to the doctors office while I sat in the back.

In the waiting room Makena was acting like her normal self. Laughing and playing and walking around. The doctor did a quick check and said she was fine. He didn't say she needed an x-ray or anything. He asked if she threw up more than twice. He looked at her eyes to check for dilation. He watched her run down the hallway. He said there wasn't any swelling or redness anywhere, and that a bruise might show up but maybe not. He said she is young and flexible which is good, she landed on her butt which is good, and she landed in sand, which is good. He told us that as long as she can be roused after sleeping she's fine. I joked that Makena typically wakes at least twice between going to bed and when I join her.

We left relieved and decided to go to CPK for dinner. Then we let Makena pick out a mini cupcake (she chose chocolate on chocolate) and she happily devoured it.

After her bath she fell asleep like normal, while I nursed her in bed. I went to bed feeling so thankful that what could've been a tragic day was just a lesson. A lesson I'm still trying to figure out, but a lesson indeed.

Things I love about 2 year old Makena:

The way she reaches up to hold my hand as we walk.

How daintily she splashes in the tub.

When she says, "Otay peas mommy." (Okay please Mommy) after I tell her something mundane like, "Your bath is almost ready."

How amazingly sharp her memory is!

When she asks for the "Uh schide?" while nursing (Other side.)

When out of the blue she proclaims, "I yhuve yoo too, mommy!"

When I say something hurts she kisses my boo boo.

The way she runs in circles around the living room when she's just about to go poop.

How she says, "Scuse YOU mommy!" if I bump in to her.

How she uses the back of her hand and brushes her hair out of her eyes.

When she takes me by the hand and walks me over to see something, saying, "Show you!"

That she laughs when she toots and then blows a raspberry and says, "Oh! I toot!" and laughs again.

When she sees a mommy and kid hugging in a book she always hugs me and says "Awww!"

How she tries to hold in her tears after a toy was snatched out of her hand but cries when I comfort her in my arms.

When she gets a hair in her mouth and says, "hair!" with her mouth open and tongue sticking out, waiting for me to get it.

When she hears and recognizes a song that Pam likes she says, "Oh! Ma song!"

That she says, "Sure!" all the time, and nods her head yes.

How she moos randomly when she's trying to change the subject. Lol.

When she gives me those hugs that last extra long, resting her head against my neck.

When she becomes a drama queen and hangs her head sadly and goes to a corner and lays down, covering her face. (Note: this is often brought on by her being over tired and bored.)

How much she loves shoes. She always has to try them on!

Random Thoughts

- I have a hard time sticking with just about anything. I get bored easily. They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit. I wrote my daily email notes about Makena for months and then when I was updating this blog about our Disneyland trip I totally stopped replying to the emails asking me about my day. And now I feel like if I were to continue it would be strange to pick up after several weeks. I think I'll go back to blogging instead. We'll see.

 - Makena continues to be so incredibly amazing that I just can't believe it sometimes! I try to tell myself that all parents feel this way about their kids. Everyone thinks their kid is the most awesome thing ever. But I mean really, MAKENA IS SO FREAKIN AWESOME! I can't imagine getting so lucky as to have another kid as fantastic as she is. What if we got a kid that was super difficult or hated hugs or something?! Sure, we'd love the kid, but would we always be thinking "Dude, we should've stopped after Makena because no kid could ever compare!!" She's so sweet, and silly, and loving, and thoughtful, and smart, and kind, and funny, and beautiful, and I could go on and on about how good she is through and through and how happy she makes me. I have several moments every single day when I scream, "Omg I love her so much!" inside my head. I was laying next to her in bed the other night and she started talking in her sleep. She was asking for a kiss, and making kiss noises in her sleep! "More kiss, more kiss mommy!" I woke her up and asked, "Do you want a kiss?" and then we kissed and she fell asleep and I melted to bits.

- We are hoping we will be moving soon, an opportunity to rent an adorable cottage opened up and although there are some cons (it's smaller, higher utility costs because they are shared with the main house it sits behind, history of a bug problem, no bathtub, no dishwasher) after careful thought we believe the pros outweigh the cons. It's got a big private back yard, it's 1 mile from Pam's work eliminating her need of our car those days, has a washer and dryer in the basement, and it's just such a quaint special place. We could be really happy there, but we feel we won't be selected. At least I hope if we don't get it that my parents do! We'll see. We've already started imagining living there and I'm trying to stay open and positive but I'm already feeling pretty bummed that my hopes got up. Right now we are just waiting for a call back from the landlord so we can submit our application.

- I joined a new website where you get a box of kids clothes shipped to you every month. Because I was one of the first 100 customers they gave us an awesome referral incentive, and now I get a year of free clothes for Makena! Super exciting. We are always in need of clothes for her, and it's so fun to open the box and see what goodies she got. I've taken to being slightly obsessed with some Gymboree lines of clothes, and they are so darn expensive that it's dumb to buy them at retail prices. Well, it's dumb when we have bills that need to be paid and can't afford to buy gas. ($4.50 a gallon, again?!?!) So now I scour used clothing sites and ebay and piece together outfits. There is also a consignment store near us where I've sold some of Makena's things to earn credits. I sell stuff online too, and keep that money in my paypal account so I can use it to purchase stuff for her online.

- I want to touch on the fact that I still, 2 years later, have those same moments of panic that I've written about before. Horrible things happen every day. Children get kidnapped. Accidents happen. Really terrible evil things happen. I know this, and I've known this for a long time. It's a part of life. We just do our best to carry on and try to stay safe. But it still happens. And now that I'm a mom the thought that something awful could happen to Makena literally hurts my brain. I start to play these ridiculous what if games in my head and it gets crippling so I make myself not dwell too much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the verge of a panic attack, I'll be driving on the highway and imagine a car flipping over the divide and landing on us, and I think through these horrid scenarios in detail (the car is upside down and on fire and I'm trying to unbuckle Makena from her seat and she's screaming and I can't do it and people are pulling me away from the car) and I have to make myself stop thinking about it. Pam will take her to the park and I'll think "What if they get hit by a car on the way there? What if Pam has to tell me that Makena didn't make it? How would I react in that moment? How could I ever go on with my life, and why would I want to?!" I took a shower the other day and put Mickey Mouse on for Makena to watch, and as I was shampooing my hair I thought about someone breaking into our apartment and taking her, and how she's so young that she doesn't know how to get help or even say her name clearly. She could grow up in another family and never even know me. Never have a single memory of me. Sometimes I want to tattoo her with "PROPERTY OF KATY" That sounds awful, right? Of course I don't actually want to tattoo her, but it does terrify me that she could be gone and never know how to find her way back. It's not fun at all to have these thoughts. Thankfully they are few and far between. Well I don't know about that, I'd say at least twice a week I'll think this stuff. I'm not sure if there is a normal level to compare this to. But I take comfort in knowing other moms who have admitted thinking similar things. Heck, even Pam tells me stories of thoughts she's had. I'm not sure if that's what people mean when they say you worry all the time when you have a kid. I definitely wasn't prepared for this part of parenting.

- Did I mention that on February 1st she had another febrile seizure? We had a busy day, dropped Pam at work in the morning, ran some errands and came home, she didn't nap and then we went to work at 2. I guess that's a normal M/W/F day for us actually. She played and had a great time, and we left to go pick up Pam at 5pm. She was about to nod off when we pulled in to Pam's work, so she sat in the back with her on our drive home. As we got closer to home Makena was really really trying to fall asleep, and Pam was losing her battle of trying to keep her awake. We got home and I started to get dinner ready and Makena was crying and wanted to be held. I picked her up and she started to fall asleep in my arms as I put a pot of water on to boil. I passed her to Pam and then it dawned on us... the lethargy, the eyes staring, the slow quiet answers to our questions, the flushed cheeks and warm body. We suddenly knew she had a fever before we even got the thermometer out. She was acting the same exact way she was a year ago when she had that awful first febrile seizure. 101.7, immediate fever reducer medicine, a call to the advice nurse, pacing around trying to figure out if we should bring her to the ER, arguing over letting her sleep or not. It was getting close to impossible to keep her eyes open. I was freaking out. I knew she was tired. She generally is on days she doesn't nap. But she doesn't act like that. She gets whiny and sometimes loopy and loud, typical overtired behavior. This was scary. Scary because she wouldn't look at me when I called her name. Scary because her head kept slumping over. Scary in the way where I was afraid if she fell asleep she'd pass out and never wake up again. I called my mom to come over and bribed Makena with talk of Grandmo coming to play. I was hoping she'd perk up as usual and then go to bed after eating dinner. Nope, mom came over and Makena still wanted to sleep. I finally agreed to nurse her on the couch, and she immediately fell asleep. Pam held her and watched her while I researched a few things. (Allergic reaction to probiotics? She had a yogurt smoothie with them for the first time.) While Pam held her she twitched a few times, but she slept and her fever went down a bit. We went to the doctor and she was fine. He wasn't concerned. 2 days later she developed a strange rash on the backs of her knees. By that evening it was on her thighs and arms and on Feb 5th she had a couple blister looking bumps around her mouth, and on her hands, fingers, and toes. We also saw what looked like a cold sore on her gums. We're pretty sure it was Hand Foot and Mouth disease, and a few days later Colin came down with it so although Makena wasn't actually diagnosed, we feel certain that's what it was. At least that explained the fever!! Phew. Having a kid is ROUGH.

- To end on a happy note, we finger painted for the first time a couple days ago! For Christmas she got these awesome all natural paints, made from berries and basil and stuff. They are powder, and you mix in water and voila! Finger paints! Makena was not crazy about it at first. She kept asking for a paintbrush. I showed her how to get messy with it and she finally started to have fun. Although she did want me to wash her fingers after each color. Lol.

I can't believe she slept this whole time I wrote this!! I'm sure I just jinxed myself so I'm going to sign off now. ;)