I really miss the frequency of blogging that I did while pregnant with Makena. I was only working a few hours a day and had lots of free time to spend typing away my every thought. But now I'm busy, all the time, even when I'm just sitting at home doing nothing. That's been a huge lesson to learn. I knew having a baby would change everything, I welcomed every change! I knew I'd have less "me" time, and I was ready to fill those hours with my own child. I was filling my work hours taking care of other peoples kids, and I couldn't wait to spend that time with my kid.
And even though I anticipated what was to come, it really catches you off guard after you've spent a few months, then a year, then 3 years with a little person connected to you 24/7. Yeah, I know Makena and I have an unusual (for this society at least) physical attachment to each other, but the emotional attachment it there even when I do get some time by myself. I'm never just ALONE any more. And that's okay, really. I seriously wouldn't change it for the world. It's just still, 3 years later, quite an adjustment. I don't find myself alone in the car on the way to work. I don't hang up the phone from a conversation with a friend and be met with silence. I don't lose blocks of time absorbed into a great book before realizing I've skipped a meal. There's always (or at least, the vast majority of the time!) Makena in the same room as me. And when we aren't together she's in my thoughts constantly. I don't have the chance to let my mind go idle, to just hear silence.
I'm not saying I dislike it, at all! I'm just saying it's so DIFFERENT than the many other years of my life. I wonder if once she's been here for more time of my life than she hasn't (so like, when she's 27??) it will finally be normal. It's my normal now, but these 3 years are short compared to all that time when it was just me. You know when you get in a relationship and suddenly you're with someone else all the time? And you think about them and long to be together and that togetherness consumes your life? It's an adjustment at first- getting used to having someone in bed with you, having reminders of their presence everywhere, needing to have their input for meals and mundane things like the brand of toilet paper to buy. But still there are plenty of times when you are alone. Not so much when you have a kid. I know of course that if I wanted to be a different sort of parent I could, I don't need to do the attachment parenting thing, I know there are other ways. But this is what I like, this feels best to me. This is how I feel I'm at my best.
It does still blow my mind sometimes how incredibly different life is now. Then I see her.
And even though I anticipated what was to come, it really catches you off guard after you've spent a few months, then a year, then 3 years with a little person connected to you 24/7. Yeah, I know Makena and I have an unusual (for this society at least) physical attachment to each other, but the emotional attachment it there even when I do get some time by myself. I'm never just ALONE any more. And that's okay, really. I seriously wouldn't change it for the world. It's just still, 3 years later, quite an adjustment. I don't find myself alone in the car on the way to work. I don't hang up the phone from a conversation with a friend and be met with silence. I don't lose blocks of time absorbed into a great book before realizing I've skipped a meal. There's always (or at least, the vast majority of the time!) Makena in the same room as me. And when we aren't together she's in my thoughts constantly. I don't have the chance to let my mind go idle, to just hear silence.
I'm not saying I dislike it, at all! I'm just saying it's so DIFFERENT than the many other years of my life. I wonder if once she's been here for more time of my life than she hasn't (so like, when she's 27??) it will finally be normal. It's my normal now, but these 3 years are short compared to all that time when it was just me. You know when you get in a relationship and suddenly you're with someone else all the time? And you think about them and long to be together and that togetherness consumes your life? It's an adjustment at first- getting used to having someone in bed with you, having reminders of their presence everywhere, needing to have their input for meals and mundane things like the brand of toilet paper to buy. But still there are plenty of times when you are alone. Not so much when you have a kid. I know of course that if I wanted to be a different sort of parent I could, I don't need to do the attachment parenting thing, I know there are other ways. But this is what I like, this feels best to me. This is how I feel I'm at my best.
It does still blow my mind sometimes how incredibly different life is now. Then I see her.
I see all the really overwhelmingly amazing things about her and I know it's a direct result of how awesome I am. (Have I ever mentioned that I suffer from zero self-esteem issues, lol?!) She is a constant reminder that I'm doing exactly the right thing. So many parents talk about feeling scared they are messing up their kids. I just don't worry about that. Makena's got a great life, she has two parents who are 1000% invested in her well-being. Yesterday I shouted at her in a moment of frustration. She burst into tears and as we talked about it once we both calmed down she told me "You should have counted to four!" (There's a Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood episode where they sing "When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four!") And she's right, I should have. But I didn't for even a split second think "Oh no, I'm a terrible mother!" Getting upset is normal, it's how we deal with it that counts. So it was a fantastic moment to discuss what we should both do when we feel we're about to roar. She obviously gets these reminders much more often than I do, so I think it's great when she gets to see me in a moment of needing help. Just so she sees that I mess up too sometimes, and that's okay, and here's what we are going to do to fix it.
Makena's really incredible. She's such a joy and I learn from her everyday. Some days are hard, some are awful, but even the worst days now are a million times better than the best days I had before she was in my life. I always said there is nothing more I wanted in life than to be a mom, and my life finally has meaning now.
I said that to someone once who I could tell was offended. She is childless and has no desire to be a mother. For some reason she took what I said, about how my life finally has meaning now that I'm a mom, and thought I was implying that her life was meaningless. But here's the thing, if she wants to be an astronaut, that's great! If she gets to outer space one day and says "My life finally has meaning!" why would anyone take offense to that? If what she desires out of life is to be an astronaut, then that's AWESOME! I'd be thrilled for her! I wouldn't think, "Oh no, I bet she thinks my life has no meaning since I'm not interested in space." We're all on different paths, motherhood isn't for everyone! I believe it was my calling, and that's probably why I'm so freakin' secure with my parenting! Because I know I've got this. I've never done anything with such confidence in my life!!
Well I rambled more than I thought I would there. My point is that I love my life and I know how very lucky I am. :)
Now for a real update. Easter was spent at my parents house, with my sister and her kids, eating yummy food, egg and basket hunting and playing with their 4 baby chickens.
Makena's really incredible. She's such a joy and I learn from her everyday. Some days are hard, some are awful, but even the worst days now are a million times better than the best days I had before she was in my life. I always said there is nothing more I wanted in life than to be a mom, and my life finally has meaning now.
I said that to someone once who I could tell was offended. She is childless and has no desire to be a mother. For some reason she took what I said, about how my life finally has meaning now that I'm a mom, and thought I was implying that her life was meaningless. But here's the thing, if she wants to be an astronaut, that's great! If she gets to outer space one day and says "My life finally has meaning!" why would anyone take offense to that? If what she desires out of life is to be an astronaut, then that's AWESOME! I'd be thrilled for her! I wouldn't think, "Oh no, I bet she thinks my life has no meaning since I'm not interested in space." We're all on different paths, motherhood isn't for everyone! I believe it was my calling, and that's probably why I'm so freakin' secure with my parenting! Because I know I've got this. I've never done anything with such confidence in my life!!
Well I rambled more than I thought I would there. My point is that I love my life and I know how very lucky I am. :)
Now for a real update. Easter was spent at my parents house, with my sister and her kids, eating yummy food, egg and basket hunting and playing with their 4 baby chickens.
Is my burrito baby not the cutest thing you've ever seen?!
Most of our tax return money got put towards necessities like rent and overdue bills, but we did splurge on season passes to our local theme park. We even upgraded to the ones that include parking AND admission to another awesome park nearby. So basically we have summer fun covered! When the park opened for the season we went and had such a blast. Makena loved the bumper cars especially. And she always loves Dumbo-esqe rides that fly around and you control when they go up and down.
I spent so much time there when I was a kid, it's fun to take Makena. Even though my all time favorite attraction is closed, I hope they are just refurbishing it because it was amazing. You'd race these little boats down a long elaborate raging river. That sounds super lame. I promise you it wasn't!!
On April 8th Pam and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. When we got married in Hawaii we swore (SWORE!!!!) that we'd be back in Hawaii on our 5th anniversary NO MATTER WHAT. We assumed we'd have a kid by that point and said that it'd be a great family vacation. We didn't have a honeymoon since we got married in paradise, so we promised each other that we'd find a way to make a return trip happen in 5 years.
But life gets in the way, doesn't it? I'm sure if we had budgeted for it, we could have made it possible. We were just too busy with other stuff and it wasn't our top priority. So we went out for dinner at The Counter, which in my opinion is almost as great. ;) And we took Makena with us, instead of having the evening to ourselves. Because that's just the type of parents we are! An occasional date night is nice, but we love family time and had a fantastic meal all together! Pam and Makena danced while we waited for our table.
Then we had Makena take this photo of us.
