Thursday, November 18, 2010

slow down!

Time is ticking by way too quickly.

I'm so excited about Makena's first Christmas, and then less than a month later her first birthday. And at the same time, I'm sad that she'll be one year old so soon! I see photos of her from when she was little, under a month old, and I almost can't remember. The shape and weight of her little body as I held her. What we did all day long. How often she slept, ate, how many diaper changes. How rarely she cried. The memories are already fading and it breaks my heart. Everyone always says how fast it goes, but I had no idea how soon I'd forget!

When did it go from this, me giving her kisses-to this, her giving ME kisses-
From sleeping like this, curled on our chests-
To sleeping like this, still trying to curl up-
But most of all, when did this little baby-
Turn into this big girl?!
It's completely mind blowing.

She walks around. Eats real food. Sits and plays with her toys. Laughs when she sees something funny. Her personality is coming out more and more each day.

And one day, these days will be a distant memory.

I need a pause button.

Monday, November 8, 2010

41 Weeks and 5 Days old.

Makena has officially been on Earth longer than she was inside my belly. I don't know if I can accurately put into words how this feels to me. I don't know if anyone would/does feel the same. But I do know this...

For 41 weeks and 4 days she was growing inside me. She was mine, only mine. We shared every heartbeat, every movement, every hiccup, every single part of life belonged to both of us, together. When I was pregnant and my belly would growl, I loved knowing that the baby inside me knew no hunger. My body did everything it was supposed to do, and kept her safe. I was responsible for her in a way that I can never get back. She only needed ME. If anything happened to me her life would be in danger. Now, she's her own person. Still dependent on me, of course, but she's her own being. Someone else could raise her and she'd turn out just fine. But while she was still a fetus, she was undeniably mine. There could be no questioning of our physical and spiritual bond. She was me, and I was her. We were one. There isn't another situation in life where you could possibly be so completely connected with another human being.

And then she was born, and later cut from the cord that had been our physical lifeline to each other. She was finally in my arms, but no longer a part of my body. I mourned the end of my pregnancy, and I still do. It's an incredible feeling, growing a human, and I'm grateful that I never took it for granted.

As she grew and explored the world around her, I was sadly counting down to this day. November 8th. Now she's been outside on her own for longer than she was inside me. Now the Earth has had her for longer than I had her. Now I don't feel the same as before.

She's older, still so young, but so much older than when she was first born. She's old enough to have her own opinions, and to show her emotions, and she can move away from me when she wants to. She is her own person. And now she's been her own person for longer than she was a part of me. Have you ever missed someone who was there next to you? It's kinda like that. Sometimes I miss her, I miss the part of her that was a part of me.

I don't know if I'm expressing my thoughts and feelings exactly right. But I do know that if anyone feels this same way, they know what I mean.

Friday, November 5, 2010

There she goes!

From The Wonder Weeks:
"Some babies have such a strong natural drive to master skills, that they don’t take the time to sleep until they are successful. You see this behavior already at a rather young age. These babies allow themselves no sleep before they have reached their goal. It demands much of them, and of you. That is a personal quality that can be very useful later in life, but at this young age these children must sometimes be protected from themselves."

The night I wrote the last entry (and spoke of how her night time sleep is usually great) Makena woke up multiple times. And she woke up crying many times the next night. And the night after that she awoke screaming and cried so hard I thought something was wrong. I picked her up and walked around the house and let her drink from her cup. She finally calmed down. We let her play for a little while and then we all went to bed together. It has been a rough week. She is having a harder time than normal napping, and getting her to fall asleep at night has involved a lot of tears and fighting.

Maybe she was coming down with a cold? Maybe her teeth were hurting? Maybe she was having bad dreams? Maybe it was just separation anxiety? Maybe she's not going to bed early enough? Maybe she just isn't tired? Maybe she was mad that I blogged about her and this was revenge?

Or, maybe she was so immersed in learning a new skill that focusing on it took every ounce of her being. And then, she finally did it..

She walked!!



I'm afraid she hasn't quite mastered it yet, which I'm pretty sure means we're due for a few more tough nights.

She'd been standing for a while now, and even standing up straight from a sitting position all on her own. She's done a few steps towards us, and a few from the couch to the chair. But this was the most we've seen! And how fitting that it was all for Elmo. lol.

Tonight she seems to be coming down with a cold. She has a fever of 101.6 and her nose was red and running. She was nursing a lot today and getting mad that the milk stops flowing after a while! Normally she's a quick 3-5 minute nurser, so after 10-12 minutes she was getting super frustrated (and I should have unlatched her when she stopped sucking and was just fussing, but I didn't) and she bit me. Not hard enough for me to react, but enough where the next time she nursed on that side it hurt, and sure enough I have a tiny little puncture mark. It happened once before, and a little saline water and Lansinoh on it heals it up in no time.

Pam rocked her to sleep and I heard her take her to lay down and the next thing I knew an hour had passed and I looked at the monitor and they were both asleep.

I used to be quite the early bed goer. But now, these night time quiet hours are so wonderful. It's my "me" time. And since Pam wakes up with Makena in the mornings and let's me get some extra sleep, this is my time to get stuff done. Or at least I SHOULD be getting something done...I've got some craft projects in my head and keep meaning to jump right in.

On that note, I need to look for fabric.