We have decided to hire a midwife and have a home birth this time around. With Makena I was planning a birth center birth, and that didn't go as planned and I transferred during labor because of exhaustion, so I had a hospital birth with her. It was surprisingly great, we still had so many of our requests met and I can't complain much about any of the care we received there. I can nitpick of course, there were a few things I'm still upset about, like the squirt of sugar water that was snuck into our newborn's mouth and the fact that I consented to only 2 blood draws and they did 3 when checking her after saying she was Large For Gestational Age. They also kept delaying our check-out time, we were anxious to go home and wanted to leave before most are ready. We had to keep waiting for paperwork, until finally a kind nurse explained that all we were really waiting for was a prescription for ibuprofen, so we left. But overall we had a very positive experience.
That doesn't mean that I think my plans for wanting a natural childbirth outside of a hospital were dumb though. When telling people that we're going the home birth route this time, I'm mostly met with encouragement and support. I happen to know a lot of like-minded people and have several friends who had home births. But there are still a few questions, especially from people who aren't natural birth fans, that I understand. "Didn't you have an epidural with Makena?" Yes, I did. But that doesn't mean I want it this time, or that I'm suddenly not a natural birth advocate. I consider myself very lucky that I didn't have any adverse effects. And I asked for the epidural on my own well informed terms. When I transferred to the hospital (again, for exhaustion, not an emergency) I was so beyond tired, and when they said I was 4 centimeters and they were going to give me pitocin to speed things up, I said I wanted the epidural first. I knew pitocin would make my contractions more painful and closer together, and I didn't want to deal with that. I was already beyond my limit. The hospital midwives tried to give me other options because they knew I wanted a natural med-free childbirth.
Labor and birth doesn't always go the way we imagine it. I still mourn the loss of the birth I wanted and dreamed about. I feel that I cheated Makena out of being born drug-free. I also feel strongly that had my labor progressed quicker, or had I known/been able to sleep during those many early labor hours, I would have given birth as I hoped. I wasn't prepared for that aspect of it. As much as I educated myself about labor, I didn't realize how crucial it was to rest and save energy because it could take days before active labor hit. I didn't realize how painful and difficult I'd find early labor to be. I wish we had hired a doula, someone who could have came to our apartment and helped me cope when I most needed that support. Someone who saw the signs and warned us that this could take a while, no need to rush. I vowed that for my next birth (if I'd have the chance again) I'd make sure to have a doula, for both my and Pam's sake!
And here we are, I'm pregnant again. I was seeing an OB at my local hospital but he was a typical nightmare of a doctor who lied to my face about the safety of ultrasounds while I smiled sweetly and pretended to be one of his usual patients who takes his word as the gospel truth. And then I knew hiring a doula was of the utmost importance. In early June we attended a local "Meet the doulas" event and got the chance to talk with about 6 of them. Their fees were outrageously above what we could afford, none were under $1,000, and of course it isn't covered by insurance, let alone Medi-Cal. There was also a midwife in attendance, and when we met with her she asked why we weren't having a homebirth, since it's something she could tell we were interested in. We explained that we didn't have the money for it. Paying a midwife $5,000 out of pocket (which is more than we pay for 4 months of rent!) unfortunately just wasn't a possibility. She mentioned she'd be willing to reduce her fee and let us work out a payment plan. We were thrilled with the idea but cautious, knowing that we really honestly couldn't afford substantial payments at this time. Summer paychecks were especially sporadic and lower than normal, and we were struggling to make ends meet enough as it was. But we agreed to meet again and talk more in depth, and when we did our worries disappeared. Our midwife said she'd let us wait to pay the bulk of the fee a few months after the baby was born, once we got our tax return, and she urged me to just come in for a first prenatal appointment and get started with care now instead of stressing over payments. She really made us feel like she was comfortable working with us because she knew how important a homebirth was to us, even saying if we had to skip a payment for a month that would be fine. So we wrote a check for $50 and in mid June at 17 weeks pregnant I had a midwife and a plan to give birth at home!
I was enjoying the care I was receiving, the appointments and monthly group meetings were informative and I always like supportive social gatherings like that. When I was 19 weeks pregnant I returned the my OB just for the anatomy ultrasound, we found out we were expecting another baby girl (YAY!) and then I left the office without making another appointment.
Makena was so excited to find out if she was going to have a little sister or little brother. She went into the appointment saying she wanted a little brother but that a sister would be okay. When we found out it was a girl she smiled. :)
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When we left I had her call my mom and she said into the phone that she was going to have a baby sister. Then we went to Carter's to buy a "little sister" onesie.
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Another huge difference in this pregnancy is the lack of belly photos! The first time I was taking them weekly on the dot. This time I hit 5 months and realized I hadn't taken one yet, so I snapped this in a bathroom.
I've had mostly the same symptoms as last time. Heartburm, pains when standing or moving too quickly from different positions. Random leg cramps that wake me up in the middle of the night. Craving fruit. I eat more apples nowadays than I probably ever have combined in my whole life! I used to think I liked green apples but apparently red like Gala and Fuji are way better and I just never knew! I'm walking a lot more during this pregnancy, and for some reason when I push Makena in her stroller I get painful cramps. As soon as I sit and drink some water they go away. I've also been drinking lots of red raspberry leaf tea/infusions, and feeling lots of Braxton Hicks. I'm hoping my uterus is getting nice and toned and ready! I've started peeing when I cough/sneeze, and that's super annoying and only happened twice last time I think.
At every prenatal appointment the baby's heart rate has been 144 beats per minute. Isn't that odd? 144 exactly, each time! Everything seems to be progressing as normal and I've been healthy and feeling fine. I sleep great, getting about 9 hours a night. I eat (mostly) well. I drink lots of water and take my vitamins. I'm pretty much the perfect candidate for a homebirth! Pam and I have just started to clear our some space in our apartment and figure out where the birth pool will go. Last week I posted to a local group asking if anyone had any leftover homebirth supplies. Then that same day I got a call from my midwife saying she wanted to talk about our payment plan. Several days earlier we had finally gotten around to signing the contract, and in hindsight that *obviously* should have been taken care of at the beginning, but I (wrongfully) assumed we were on the same page and it was just a technicality we'd take care of later. So when Pam called her back (I had a sinking feeling and wasn't up for making the call) she explained that she misunderstood and wasn't able to wait until after the baby was born for payment and had to drop us as clients. And there I was, 31 weeks pregnant and suddenly without a care provider.
I was a complete wreck. I cried for almost 2 days straight. I had to explain to Makena why I was so sad (I simply said we couldn't see that midwife anymore) and she started to cry too and say she didn't want me to go to a hospital. :( I assured her that I was going to try and find another midwife so we could still have the baby at home. I even considered an unassisted birth, maybe "accidentally" birthing at home before I realized it was time to go to the hospital. But I wanted a midwife, and I felt so heartbroken that I'd come so far only to have my dreams crushed. And only because of money! It was infuriating. Apparently the midwife told Pam that we'd be better off just going to the hospital because then we wouldn't have to pay a penny since Medi-Cal would cover the costs. That's true, Medi-Cal would pay for everything, but I don't want another hospital birth. We feel like we got lucky with the last one and I don't want to press that luck again. Plus we REALLY don't want to leave Makena overnight.
I normally deal with anything by talking about it with anyone who will listen, but I only told a few select people what was going on. I was in a dark place, feeling so upset that even trying to come up with a plan to move forward was bringing me to tears. Should I just call up my OB and make an appointment? They never even called me asking where I was. I posted about it in my local attachment parenting group on facebook, and the outpouring of support was overwhelming. Everyone seemed shocked that my midwife would do that, and I started getting private messages with words of encouragement and offers of help. People made calls on my behalf to midwives and doulas that they'd used, they offered discounts on their own services, I suddenly had a group of people who were all pushing for me to get this home birth after all. I wrote a long emotional email to a midwife that quite a few people recommended. She wrote back "Oh jeez, call me!" so I did and we had a great talk. We met with her this week and she's just lovely. Kind, warm, funny, open, sympathetic. All words that I wouldn't use to describe the other midwife, but I wasn't being picky about who would take me on as a client. Now it seems clear that this is a case of everything working out for the better. My new midwife was even friendly to Makena, something that always seemed lacking with the other midwife. Sure, there was a toy box available, but she never tried to engage with her at all. As we chatted I began to feel a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. She says she's horrified and deeply sorry for what happened, and that she'd love to work with us and is okay with waiting for payment. All we have to do is come up with $500 by the day of birth so she can pay her midwife assistant. That's a lot of money for us to consider right now, we get daily calls about past due bills and have to decide between which to pay now so we can get gas/groceries. Since summer we've been paying our rent twice monthly since we can't come up with the whole check at once. I'm not kidding when I say this summer was a financial disaster for us. And now we have Makena's monthly school tuition to pay for, which thankfully is very little since we're on a scholarship, but it's still more than we can afford right now. Once you get stuck in a rut like this it's extremely hard to get out, since every resource is being used just to stay afloat. Talk about the perfect timing to have a baby, huh?!?!
So it's been a rough few months, and an even rougher week, but things are starting to look better at least on the homebirth front. And I have to just keep trudging along and hoping everything else will fall into place. We've been focusing on clearing out clutter and selling stuff to bring in any money that's possible. I look around our small 1 bedroom apartment and we just have so much stuff. Not only are we not using it all, but it's taking up precious space. We need to find creative ways to make this apartment work for us, now that we're adding another (small) human being to the mix. Tomorrow we're going to tackle some more piles and hopefully gather together stuff for a garage sale.
Onward we go!
