Wednesday, May 25, 2011

She talks!

We were at Target browsing the books and Makena was studying the "red" page of a children's book of colors. I sat down next to her on the floor in the middle of the aisle and asked her what each thing was.

"What's this?""Buh!"
"A balloon, yes! What's this?"
"Buh!"
"I know, that's a button. What's this?"
"Buh!"
"Yep, a strawberry! What's this one?"
"Buh!"
"That's right, a ball! And what is this last one?"
"Buh!"
"Yes! A ladybug! It's a bug!"

She is seriously so incredibly smart.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

I still have moments of sheer panic.

A couple weeks ago I was standing at the sink and Makena was dropping her bath toys into the empty tub. We were about to take a bath, but I hadn't started the water yet. She was undressed though, and I heard her whimpering and saying, "Ehhhh! Ehhhh!" and I ignored her for a second but it quickly turned into "EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I turned around and she had half fallen into the tub and was stuck. Her naked belly was pinned on the metal shower door rail and her head was tipped into the tub while her legs were sticking straight out. I turned her right side up and she was crying and had a long red mark on her stomach. :( I think she'd been trying to reach for a toy in the tub and flipped into it but not all the way down so she was stuck.

I've been thinking about it a lot.

What if I had started the bath water? What if I hadn't drained it after a bath? What if it was the toilet?

When Makena was first born the "what if's" almost paralyzed me. Heck, when she was still in utero it was hard enough!! I'm a worrier, what can I say. I want to be prepared for the worst.

The worst happened on that day in February when she had a febrile seizure and lost consciousness. It haunts me that for some mothers, that is the end. One moment they are holding their baby, singing a song, and the next thing they know their child is gone forever. But for us, Makena was okay. It was terrifying, but she was okay. I saw a tv story about a woman who lost her daughter when she was 13 months old, in a freak accident. Makena was 13 months old when her ordeal happened. And we're lucky. We're SO lucky that THAT is the worst for us.

Every day is with Makena is pure joy. Sure there are tough days, lately she has been clingy and fussy and wants to nurse 24/7, but even the "hard" days are a million times better than any day before she was part of our lives. I might complain about how frustrating it is that she doesn't nap or sleep well, but really, in the grand scheme of things, we are so blessed.

Yet I can't stop the horrid thoughts of all the "what if's." Once when Makena was about 8 months old I was laying in bed with her while Pam was at work, and I heard the front door open. I brushed it off as just a crazy paranoia, surely the door had been locked. Then I heard footsteps. I told myself it was just the cat. I listened harder. There was nothing. I was just being crazy. But then I heard a noise in the livingroom, and I thought about my baby sleeping next to me and my eyes flickered to the window. We are on the 2nd floor, but if I had to drop her out of the window to save her, I'd do it and hope someone would find her in the lawn below.

I listened again and breathed a sigh of relief when I knew for certain there wasn't an intruder. Then the bedroom door was pushed open a crack and Pam gave me a silent hello wave.

I froze for a second. There WAS someone the whole time. I wasn't crazy.

Scenarios like that happen way more frequently than I wish. I will be pushing Makena in the stroller on a walk to the park and a car will loud music will drive by and I'll imagine them reaching for a CD and losing control and the car will come barreling into us. I can be watching Pam carry Makena down the stairs and see them tripping and tumbling down onto the concrete. Actually sometimes I'LL be walking down the stairs with Makena and imagine that.

The other day I was at work and Pam was home with Makena. We had sent a few texts back and forth like we always keep in contact most of the day. I never got a reply to my last text, and when I got in the car an hour later I sent a text saying I was on my way home, like we always do. And as I started to drive home I was thinking of how odd it was to not have a response in over an hour. So I tried calling. No answer. I sent another text. I tried calling again. At first I reasoned that Pam must not be hearing the phone. Maybe she left it inside and they were playing on the grass. Maybe the battery had died. But I couldn't stop pressing re-dial and pleading that she'd answer the phone and calm my fears. Yes, maybe she simply didn't hear the phone, maybe she didn't realize it was on silent. But what if she was dead?

Sounds drastic, I know, but I was panicking. In my mind I saw Pam and Makena passed out from a gas leak, sprawled on the floor. I saw them bloodied at the bottom of the stairs. I saw them as victims of a serial killer. I saw them in black bags being pushed into coroners trucks. I raced home in tears, I passed 2 (TWO!!) car accidents on my way, and I fully expected to find an ambulance when I turned on my street. I never stopped hitting re-dial. I left a couple of panicked voice mails for Pam, and imagined myself listening to them on her phone days later after finding out I had no family left anymore.

I was about to get home when Pam sent me a text message telling me to calm down, everything was fine. I walked in the door and hugged my baby close. They had been busy playing and for some reason she hadn't gotten my texts or calls until right before the moment she texted me back. I looked at her phone and it was true, but compared with my phones history, it didn't make sense.

Needless to say, I overreacted. I know that. But that day COULD have been the end. People all over the world have to live through the reality that their children and loved ones will never come back. I'm terrified of having to say on a talk show some day, "I never expected it to happen to me." Because while I certainly don't expect it, I do think about it. I don't want to be caught thinking that I never saw it coming. Just like when I was pregnant, and afraid that something happened to the baby. I wouldn't feel any movement, and I'd immediately think the worst. If I could go back in time I wish I could have simply enjoyed my pregnancy more. I loved being pregnant. I hope desperately that I can be pregnant again. But sometimes I was so anxious that it really took away from me having a blissful pregnancy.

It's exhausting when these waves of paranoia happen. Luckily it's not constant, otherwise I think I'd need to be committed because it would literally drive me crazy. And I did think I was completely off my rocker and alone in having these awful thoughts until Pam confessed she has the same flashes of falling down the stairs or a random drive-by shooter.

But as scary as it is, I remind myself that I can't continue to live my life if I let myself be debilitated by bad imaginings! So I let myself think the bad thoughts, and then I consciously push them away. It's almost like I tell myself this in my head- Okay, I thought of the worst case scenario, so I am not going to be blind sighted if this comes true. I want to focus on this moment right now though, so I'm making the choice to stop thinking bad things.

And sometimes that works. Other times I just have to get home as quickly as possible and hug my baby.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day 2011

Today was our second mother's day!!

I can't believe Makena is old enough that now we are repeating holidays.

We went to Carmel-by-the-Sea with my mom. It's about an hour and a half drive from here, and Makena was a super trooper in the car! It helped I'm sure that my mom sat in the back with her. Some people probably think it's crazy that we didn't make my mom sit in the front seat which is undoubtedly more comfortable. But, knowing my mom, she prefers to be where Makena is and she's great at keeping her entertained so it worked out perfectly! We left the house early, and got to The Tuck Box, me and Pam's favorite scone place and ate breakfast. Then we walked around searching for geocaches, which is a fairly new fun hobby we've picked up. And we stopped by the beach to let Makena see the ocean for the first time.

Sidenote: There were SO many things we couldn't wait to do with a baby some day, like go to the beach, the zoo, the aquarium, story time at the library... and somehow we get busy and haven't done ANY of those things yet and 15 months have already gone by!! And we will have to go back to the beach again soon, once it's warm and we can bring bathing suits and sand toys. :)

She loved the water and cried when we left. And it was freezing!!




Saturday, May 7, 2011

The wonderful things

We went through some REALLY tough sleep problems within the last month, and then, out of the blue, one night Makena went to bed and slept awesomely. And then the streak was over and it was really great! It's still not perfect/ideal, and we think part of the sleep issues are from the warm weather and longer daylight hours. It's just an adjustment we need to figure out. And it sucks.

I complain about Makena's sleep a lot. But there is SO much that she is amazing at. I daily think of little things that I never want to forget about her and tuck them away in my head to blog about later. But ever since getting pregnant with her, my brain hasn't been at it's best. lol. So when I sit down to write, I usually draw a blank. I'm vowing to change that. I hope to write weekly. While pregnant I wrote sometimes multiple times a day! Then again while pregnant I had hours and hours all day long to fill with whatever I wanted to do. And now my hours are spent with this most incredible little being.

In random order, awesome things that Makena does that need to be remembered-

She will stay still and let me clip her nails as she sits on my lap and watches Sesame Street.

She comes when I call her. (The vast majority of the time at least!)

She loves eating broccoli!

She will bring things to and from Pam and I when asked. (This is super handy!)

After she trips and falls she stands up and brushes her hands off.

She gives kisses if I pucker my lips and make kissy sounds at her. lol.

She signs for "help" when she wants something or is stuck/needs assistance.

She is friendly, oh so friendly!

She is funny. Really funny. And she knows it.

She is so full of joy. I think of her, and the first thought is how joyful she is.

She has an awesome attention span.

She loves books!

She memorizes hand motions for songs and books insanely fast.

When she hears a plane she looks up to the sky until she finds it.

She rocks her baby doll against her chest.

She loves to nurse!

She pets Donte gently (FINALLY!)

She is so adventurous and loves to climb.

She will sit in the swings forever.

She dances when she hears music. (Today at the farmer's market, we walked past a man playing his guitar. She stopped to stare at him, then started to dance a bit. He morphed the song he was playing into "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and started to sing a slow bluesy version of it. Makena immediately did the hand motions and it was probably the cutest thing to happen in the world today. People walking by stopped to watch her, and soon there was a huge crowd stopped in the middle of the street commenting on how adorable my baby is! Proud mommy moment!)

She can "jump" and spin in a circle.

She can spot a Sesame Street character from a mile away. Even if it's just a kid wearing a Bert beanie. lol.

She loves belly buttons.

She pats your back as she gives a hug.

And there is so much more about her that's awesome. Obviously. But she's in need of a diaper change now so I need to go. :) She's laying on the blanket patting a clean diaper against her butt. lol.