Crocodile light

I've been trying for a week now to figure out what to write, so I'm just going to start at the beginning.

In early 2009 when we were about to start our family I spent a few weeks online searching for stories of other two mom families. I found a list of blogs, and read through a bunch of them. Then I was pregnant and still reading. I'd bounce around from blog to blog, reading about these much longed for pregnancies and babies. I remember very clearly one blog where they just found out they were expecting a boy. They had a fun nickname (BG) for him, and I would check out their blog periodically. He was born in September of 2009, soon after we found out we were expecting a baby girl. I remember reading his very long inspiring birth story. I remember reading about how much they loved him and were marveling in his amazingness. I remember the photos of their adorable baby next to a stuffed crocodile, taken each month to track his growth. I was so excited to meet our own baby, I wanted my blog to be filled with similar posts and photos.

And then my life was so busy marveling at my own baby's amazingness that I wasn't reading all the blogs I used to read any more. I was preoccupied with finding my way as a mom and trying to keep my own blog updated. I pretty much lost contact with all the blogs I used to read daily while I was pregnant. Very occasionally I'd check to see what people were up to, but mostly I was only up to date with whatever was posted on facebook. When a bunch of the same moms who's blogs I'd read and was in a TTC group with made a LGBT parents facebook group, I joined and had an easier time checking in with the goings on of other similar families.

Fast forward to this past Fall. In August of 2012 I heard the awful news that BG had been diagnosed with Leukemia. It came out of nowhere, like is so often the case I suppose. He was healthy and happy and enjoying his first days of preschool. And then in the next post his mom was updating the blog from the oncology wing at the hospital, sharing the terrible turn of events.

Oh, my heart ached for them. What a scary road. I followed along closer now, waiting to hear good news. They found a bone marrow match! He was able to go home for a bit! I wanted to have a lemonade stand and send them the donations. A fundraiser had been set up to raise money for the family with t-shirts, lovingly made with a crocodile on them and the phrase "taking a chomp out of leukemia" I fully intended to buy one, I wanted Makena and I to wear it proudly in support, but of course the timing never seemed right to buy them and then before I knew it, it was too late. I read with tears in my eyes that he relapsed. I would read these updates as we drove to work in the mornings, and Pam would often ask me not to talk about it because it was just too sad to comprehend. She's the quiet inwardly processing type. I know that about her, and I try to respect that even when it drives me batty. But I needed to talk about it, I need to talk and write and read to process things. I need connections with others to know I'm not alone in feeling the big range of emotions in life.

So when I saw the completely devastating update on facebook on 2/5/13 that they lost their sweet sweet boy that morning, I turned to Pam and said that I knew she didn't want to know, but the boy with leukemia lost his battle.

Lost.

Just like that the world lost a light. And it doesn't matter that he'd been sick, it was still a shock and still so so so unbelievably unfair. Along with everyone else, I didn't expect this. I knew it wasn't fair that any child has to spend months in a hospital bed, to endure endless tests and medications. But I assumed it would be okay in the end, that he'd overcome his health struggles. That he'd continue to shine his light. That his moms would overcome their worry and stress and heartache.

And then to hear that his time on earth was over, that his moms lives would never be the same... it just ripped my heart to pieces. Then came the horrifying realization that this isn't an isolated case. There are parents everywhere who have lost their babies. It happens every single day. The pain this world carries, it's surprising that we can stay floating in space. The overwhelmingly heavy sadness of it all pulled me down deep into my core where I couldn't help but imagine the terrible What Ifs.

It could have been my child. He could have been my long awaited and wished for baby. His could have been the same sonogram photos I posted on my blog. The same birth story. And it could have been Pam and I as the grieving mothers that nobody knew what to say to. It still can be. Life is so precious and I know that at any moment our lives could be changed forever by the worst possible.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about his moms. Every day I think of them. I can't imagine what it takes to go on each day. I don't know how you get out of bed the morning after you realize you'll never hold your child again.

I lit a candle that day and when Makena asked why, (since we never light candles other than for birthday cakes) I told her that the world needed a little more light. Then I turned away before she could ask why I was crying.

This is for you, little crocodile boy who I never got the pleasure of meeting. This is for your bright eyes and charming smile. This is for the genius in you that didn't get the chance to reach it's full potential, but would have no doubt changed this world for the better. This is for your moms, who are on a path no parent should ever have to walk.

Then, a completely unrelated different facebook page I follow (The Progressive Parent) posted on Friday that she just heard the sad news that a local little boy in her community lost his battle with leukemia that week. I was touched that his story reached another page I belonged to.

And then I was devastated all over again when her very next post the next morning said that her sweet 15 month old passed away in his sleep overnight. Suddenly she went from talking about her heart going out to BG's mothers, and then her own heart was ripped from her.

My heart is so heavy with sorrow that I've been on the verge of tears whenever I think of both little boys. Two little boys in the same community, not too far from where we live, taken way too early away from those who loved them most. It's just cruel. It's wrong and horrible and every parents worst nightmare. And for the heartbroken parents that are forced to live that life, I can only offer my deepest condolences.

I can offer that, and also swear to hold my child closer and never take a single breath for granted. In the toughest of parenting moments, I will remember the crocodile that kept chomping away but was dealt more than he could swallow. I will remember the nursling who had just learned how to walk and then just didn't wake up one morning.

I will remember that sometimes the worst things ever happen, and that even my hardest darkest moments are nothing compared to the pain of losing a child.

And I will try my hardest to never forget that, while still loving deeply and living fully in my own life. The gift I can give is that of spreading more light in the world.

There's been talk in the LGBT parents facebook group of us chipping in to sponsor a zoo bench or plant a tree in the crocs honor. I hope that whatever is decided can give his mothers comfort and help them feel support in this tremendously difficult new chapter of their lives.

Spontaneous trip to Disneyland!!

I'm a planner. I especially love planning trips, and the research involved to find the best prices and tips to make it worthwhile. We don't have money to take extravagant vacations to all sorts of different destinations, so we do the best we can to maximize fun. Our trip to Tahoe earlier this month was so awesome because we didn't really have time to plan and ended up having a total blast! But this post is about our spontaneous trip to Disneyland, so let me start over.

A couple weeks ago Pam mentioned that she wished she could go to the SAG awards. They were auctioning off seats for the bleachers for people to shake hands with the celebrities who walked the red carpet. I (completely jokingly) said something like, "Sure, we can drive down to LA if we can also go to Disneyland!" Tickets were selling for about $150 each, and that's a crazy expense that we just couldn't afford. Not to mention the 5 hour drive and hotel stay. But Pam couldn't let go of the possibility and started scouring craigslist. She found someone selling her extra ticket for $100 and contacted her. I was slightly aware this was going on, but I thought nothing would come from it. On Friday morning (the awards were that Sunday) I noticed Pam's email was open, and saw she had a new message. It was from the gal from craigslist with the extra ticket. I thought , "Huh, Pam really seriously wants this." and while I didn't exactly understand, I knew she deserved the chance to do something she was so excited about. So I started to root for her, and when I saw that the transaction wasn't working out (the lady said she was worried about selling the ticket because she wasn't sure if that was allowed) I felt bad. Then I saw that Pam had emailed her back, saying that she found a phone number to a contact at the SAG awards. And I thought, "Wow. She's pretty determined, I kinda hope this happens!!" 

I started to imagine it might actually work out somehow, and did a quick search to check on Disneyland ticket prices and the hours and weather. I checked our bank account too, and it didn't look good. I knew we were getting a nice tax return though... so I searched for hotels to get a better idea of how much it would cost. And then Pam called that afternoon at 2:30 and said, "We're going to do something crazy and I want you to say yes." I asked, "Are we going to Disneyland?!" And she said yep, and that she scored a free ticket to the red carpet of the SAG awards. Apparently that phone number she found online was for the person in charge of coordinating the bleacher seats, and Pam simply called and asked of there were any available seats. The lady said there might be, but there weren't any parking passes left. Pam said she didn't need a parking pass and the lady said she'd check and call her back. And she did, and told Pam to check her email for background check instructions and that she was on the list! A free ticket! Now we just had to be there.

Pam got home from work around 5 pm. I'd been busy trying to make any preparations. We pulled out the suitcases and started to pack and figure out hotels. We decided to drive down in the morning and stay at a hotel near Disneyland. I couldn't find a nice enough one that was cheap, and begrudgingly booked us at the 2 star EconoLodge Maingate. I admit that my hotel standards have bumped up a few notches since having a child with us. I previously wouldn't bat an eye at a cheap room, but now I want something nice enough that I'm comfortable with Makena rolling around on the floor or taking a bath. Money was the issue here though, and since it was so last minute our choices were limited. We also booked a night at a much nicer hotel in LA for the next night, so we'd have somewhere to stay overnight before hitting the road. Plus since Pam didn't have a parking pass she needed to be at a hotel nearby to park the car and walk over to the shuttle that would take her to the awards. I also called and made a reservation for us to eat dinner at Goofy's Kitchen, that way Pam would get to experience some Disney fun with us and see Makena with characters, since she wasn't going to Disneyland with us. I was a bit weird-ed out by that, taking Makena by myself to the Happiest Place On Earth. I mean, we do everything together, so it wasn't the togetherness that seemed strange, rather the absence of my other half delighting in the trip with us!

Anyway, as we were frantically figuring out our itinerary and packing Makena asked us where we were going. Pam and I looked at each other and smiled. How do we tell her?? I asked, "Well, where do you want to go?" and she said, "Disneyland!" and we got to say "OKAY!! We're going to Disneyland when we wake up!" YAY!!!!

What an amazing gift to be able to say yes to something as wonderful as that!

We went to bed and loaded up the car in the morning, hitting the road a little after 8 am. Exactly like last year! We made it to Buttonwillow I think, and stopped because Makena had to go potty. We had Subway for lunch and got back in the car, arriving in Anaheim around 3:30. After checking into our crappy room (our door was directly behind the garbage dumpsters, so we had to walk around them to get in, and inside were a few flies and mosquitoes, ugh! They also didn't supply conditioner, which we had forgotten. Plus the carpet was full of mysterious stains that looked like someone had been murdered there. I am resisting the urge to google the news reports for that. But it's okay, we were only a mile from the best place ever! I didn't bother saying anything or asking to switch rooms because were only spending our sleeping hours there for one night) we freshened up and headed to Downtown Disney!!

We browsed the shops and marveled at the Lego Store displays.

We spend a lot of time talking about and looking at photos from the last trip to Disneyland, so Makena wanted to take some photos at the same places she took them before. (The smaller photos are from last year.)

Then we basically just killed some time walking around the Disneyland Hotel. We bought her an autograph book, I thought it'd be a fun new experience and an ice breaker if she was getting shy.

In true Merida fashion, Makena was adventurous and very brave. She's also just at that stage where she has a burning desire to balance across any raised area she sees. ;)

The lobby at the Disneyland Hotel has fun tea cup chairs.

And cute kid sized thrones in the movie area!

Then we waited for our 5:10 pm dining reservation!

We checked in and they asked how old Makena was. I said she just turned 3 a couple days ago, and they said they'd make a note of that so she'd get a birthday celebration. :) Then we took our photo with Goofy. Makena was nervous and wanted to be held. I was worried she wasn't going to enjoy the characters as much as last time!

But then as we were led to our table she saw Dale and was excited to meet him. :)

We got up to serve ourselves and the food was so good. Yes, that's macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, AND macaroni and cheese PIZZA on my plate. There seemed to be lots of meat options, and as vegetarians we were thrilled with the enormous salad bar. Our salads were huge and so delicious. Way better than the pale food carb fest that was my first course! Makena mostly ate veggies, beans, rice, and olives, as usual! 

Then everyone started to come by. I had read that Goofy's kitchen has a fun little scene where Goofy walks by and pretends to spill a pile of dishes, but nothing like that happened. Maybe it wasn't busy enough. The characters sure came by often, we saw most of them twice!

She loved seeing them sign her book, and now that we've filled it up and put the photos in, it's such a special keepsake!

Minnie was a favorite of course! She signed "Thank you for saying please!" because Makena asked her so nicely to sign the book. :-)

Jasmine-

Pinocchio- (Makena hasn't seen the movie yet or even read the story, so she wasn't sure about him.)

A bunch of them came over with some servers to sing Happy Birthday to Makena and she was thrilled with her cupcake with Mickey sprinkles! I was happy we got buttons, I wasn't going to ask for them since it wasn't exactly a birthday trip, but she did just turn 3 earlier that week!

Mulan-

And then it was the time I'd been waiting for ever since walking by the desserts- 

That's right, we tasted 12 different desserts!! And we didn't even bother with the soft serve ice cream or puddings!! I thought the banana foster cheesecake, cheery and pear cobbler, and apple cinnamon creme brulee were the best.

We said goodbye and rolled ourselves back to the car to get to bed in time for an early wake up! I bought our admission tickets at the hotel lobby to save time in the morning. $81 for Makena and $87 for me. Yikes. And to think, if we had gone just one week earlier Makena would've been free!! I'll admit, I almost considered trying to get her in as if she were under 3 years old, but lord knows we didn't need any bad karma and hey, it's Disney and incredibly worth it. Plus, being old enough to pay for her own ticket is kind of a special milestone. She's already gone twice for free, a couple days last year and when she was 4 months old. That trip Pam and I also got in free, since we had done the volunteer promotion. So I forked over the cash and smiled in amazement that we were really going to Disneyland in the morning!

You know what's awesome (well, one of the never ending list of amazing perks) about staying on-site? The free wake-up call you can schedule from Mickey. In our lame hotel room we had to use a regular old alarm clock. We got up and dressed (Makena had just received both the Merida and Snow White dress up clothes for her birthday, and as we packed for the trip I asked if she wanted to bring them and she said yes. I wasn't sure if she'd want to wear them and if I even wanted her to, but once on I couldn't deny how cute she was!) and packed up the car again and grabbed the most pathetic breakfast ever from the lobby.

Packaged donuts, toast, and watery orange juice that Makena wouldn't even drink. Not even a piece of fruit! There was tea and coffee, so I took a cup of tea and it was mediocre at best. Oh well, you get what you pay for. Actually that's what kinda bummed me out, the room was $105 for the night which I felt was WAY too steep for what we got. I wouldn't have complained (as much) if it was in the $70 range, but that's what happens when it's last minute I guess. You settle! And Pam had to book a room for $200 for Sunday night, which I felt was WAY too steep but at least it was a great room where I wasn't imagining bugs crawling over me as I slept.

The plan was for Pam to drop us off and then she was driving to LA to check into the new hotel and get ready for her red carpet experience. But before we knew it we were driving into the parking lot. I had imagined she would drive up to the entrance plaza, like you could do back in the old days! Oops. So we told the parking attendant and he tucked a pink slip of paper under the windshield wiper, and directed us where to go. Other attendants saw that pink and pointed us in a different area than the rest of the cars. We stopped at the marked passenger drop-off place and said goodbye. I grabbed the backpack, stroller, Makena and made sure I had my phone on me. It was 7:20 am and we waited about 2 minutes for the tram, and it started to sprinkle a very light rain. I realized we were under-dressed, and checked my phone for the weather update. It was still supposed to be a sunny nice day.

Makena finished her toast on the tram.

As we walked up to the gates I saw people were already being let in. I thought we would be lined up waiting for the park to open. Then I realized they were going in the annual pass holder gates. I walked over to the general admission gates and they let us in. Hmm, but it was only 7:30? I thought the park wasn't opening until 8? I took a photo of the funny train station construction. Nicely done Disney, you almost tricked me. ;-)

The second we passed under the train track tunnel (where it always give me chills to read the "Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy" plaque) we saw Minnie Mouse walking alone. Makena shouted out "MINNIE!" and I told her she could get up and run. She gave her a big hug.

As we left behind Main Street I realized only pass holders were being admitted into the actual park. The rest of us had to wait for the rope drop. Not to worry, we stood under an umbrella and waited, listening to the music and enjoying the sights and sounds of Disneyland!! Makena is so good, she's so patient and easy going. She never complained once that we had to wait. At 8 the announcement was made and we were welcomed in! I had planned to head straight to Fantasyland as is the usual smart idea to beat the crowds, but Makena wanted to go on the "rockets" (Astro Orbiter) and since this day was about her, I vowed to say yes as often as possible! We walked right on and she loved it! Then we walked right on to Buzz Lighteryear's Astro Blasters. She was spooked by the big talking Buzz and got nervous at parts during the ride. You can see she's snuggled into my side. I like how her score was higher than mine. I kept showing her how to use it and got carried away I guess!

Then we went to the castle. Look how crazy empty it was that day! I swear, late January is the best time to go!! It was empty last year, and we went during the week. But this was a Sunday and it was even less! I love this photo of her, I wanted one of her closer as she ran, but by the time my camera phone took the shot she was at the drawbridge yelling for me to come.

She wanted to go on the carousel of course, because what kid doesn't love a lame carousel ride? Not to mention the fact that there are carousels everywhere. I asked if we could ride Peter Pan first, and she said ok. There were a few people about to get in line and the carousel was empty, so we had no wait getting on either ride. It was so amazing, I kept texting Pam with photos and telling her how awesomely uncrowded it was.

Then we walked right on to Dumbo, they were sending us up without even having full seats!

The teacups weren't open yet, much to Makena's dismay. She's been talking about them for a whole year, they were her total favorite last time! So I said we should try the Storybook boats first. We got in the short line and a cast member said happy birthday to Makena and that she had something special for her. Then she walked away and up over a little hill behind a tree. We started loading our boat and she was starting to come back, but she was an elderly woman and shuffling very slowly, and our boat left before she reached us. The other CM's didn't seem to see her coming and I didn't want to hold up the boat and say anything. I figured she'd be there when we got back. But she wasn't. She wasn't anywhere to be seen at all. I think her name was Pat or Patty or Patricia... but maybe it was something else. And she just vanished. It was strange. A bit of Disney magic maybe? Makena asked where the lady with something for her went, and I said I didn't know. I'm glad that Makena saw her at least, lol!

Then we went on the teacups and Makena loved them. Next we walked over to see if we could find Merida, and sure enough there she was with only one little girl in line. Makena was thrown off by her absolutely crazy wig and a little intimidated, and frankly so was I. Come on Disney, you can make a better wig!

Next we headed to Toontown. It was 8:45 and wasn't opening for another 15 minutes, so we browsed the gift shop near by. I wish It's A Small World wasn't closed, that would've been a perfect amount of time to wait! We headed to the gates of Toontown to wait the last couple minutes, and another family with a little boy walked up. I was talking to a Cast Member who said not many people visit Toontown these days and they stopped doing Mickey's Toontown Morning Madness. Such a bummer, that was a huge highlight of our trip last year!! Then again, we had been chosen as the Honorary Family!

But like all things in life, being patient paid off. And let me tell you, Makena is a very patient kid. Not always, of course, but when it comes to waiting in line or for something fun like the gates to open, she had no problem standing there and talking about what fun awaits inside!

And then from around the corner at the top of the hill, Mickey and Minnie came walking toward the gates as they swung open. We started to walk in and Mickey and Minnie motioned for Makena and the other boy to come to them, so off they went. They took their hands and walked them through the completely empty Toontown!

I love this photo of Makena looking back at me. She was just beaming! This experience alone was worth paying her $81 ticket. When I sent Pam this photo she posted it on facebook and said "Just got this photo from Katy. Can't believe I'm missing this! I sure hope the red carpet is worth it!" (It wasn't.)

I love this photo too, you can see my shadow and the Disney photographer. At this point Mickey and Minnie split up to go to their respective houses.

Minnie took her to the back of her house where her patio table is. It's set up for tea, but was wet so they didn't sit down. But they posed and took lots of photos. I didn't take any pictures because the PhotoPass photographer was snapping away and I was chatting with a CM about how awesome this was. :) Then a couple people started to show up and wanted to meet Minnie, so we explored her house and then explored Mickey's house. Next we climbed up Chip and Dale's tree house. Then we walked over to Goofy's house and he was outside so we got him to sign but the pen was out of ink. It finally started to work (I'm surprised they don't carry a secret stash of pens!) and we went to his garden and house to play.

Inside we saw Goofy again, just sitting on his couch alone with just a CM. (They must've been talking to each other before we walked in, right?!) Makena wanted to take a photo of me sitting with Goofy, and she used the blue filter to make it a funny photo. Then we took another photo with the goof.

And got Mickey to sign.

Makena loved Pluto's autograph, with his little paw print.

Then we left Toontown and Makena stopped to wave and shouted "Goodbye friends!" She melts my heart. I love that she loves things enthusiastically.

We saw a crowd lined up and I noticed that Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty were taking photos with guests. We got in line and that was honestly the longest we waited for something all day, and it was maybe 20 minutes. They announced that soon the princesses were going to take a break and new ones would come out, and I was REALLY hoping we'd get a photo with Snow, since Makena was dressed like her! So I had her take a photo while waiting in case we didn't get a good one.

First we saw Aurora. Makena doesn't know the Sleeping Beauty movie but she knows Aurora from books and toys and whatnot.

Then I was trying to tie Makena's red ribbon on to her head and when we walked up to Cinderella she said she'd fix it because her fairy godmother taught her how to make them perfect. I was glad for the help. Makena didn't really want to wear it but hello, Cinderella was helping her so all of a sudden she was happy about it!

Then it was our turn to see Snow White, and she just loooooved Makena! They hugged for a while and then Snow held Makena's hands and started whispering to her. Makena was smiling and nodding the whole time, completely enamored in their own little world. When she signed her autograph (She started with, "To my twin,") Makena wouldn't let go. It was so so SO precious!

When we finally walked away I asked Makena what Snow White was saying to her. She said she didn't know. Lol. It will remain one of those Disney mysteries I guess!

Then we stopped by the teacups again. Makena was yelling, "NO MOMMY GET IN!" because she was worried the ride would start as I took this photo.

At 10 am we took a little snack break. I needed breakfast, and I had my first Disneyland mocha! We went to the Jolly Holiday Bakery Cafe. I'll have to show M this movie soon. She picked out a Mickey cookie (which was enormous so she only ate an ear) and I had a raspberry almond twist. Delicious!

It was so lovely to be sitting there, taking a little break and people watching. Just sitting and enjoying this special time with my darling daughter. Throughout the day I kept getting choked up because Disney gives me so many overwhelming feelings, and obviously so does Makena. So having them both, and experiencing the magic of Disney with her and through her eyes... well it's a recipe for reducing me into a blubbering mess. I am so grateful for so many things in my life. We may live paycheck to paycheck and struggle to pay bills, we may have days where we stretch the gas tank more than we want, but it's all worth it when I know how fortunate I am to have Makena by my side 24/7. And then we somehow squeeze all of our resources together to take an amazing trip to the snow, or a spontaneous trip to Disneyland, and I just about fall over with love for my life!

So throughout the day Makena would turn to me and grab my hand and exclaim what a great day we were having, and I'd say "Oh yes my sweetheart, today is a really great..." and have to take a second to compose myself as the tears welled up in my eyes.

Next we headed to the Winnie the Pooh ride. We stopped to ride Pirates on the way since there wasn't a line. Makena was a bit nervous, and she cuddled close in the very dark parts but enjoyed the hills and spotting all the treasures.

Last time we were there the Winnie the Pooh ride was empty, and Makena loved it. She wanted to go again but we got in line to see the Hundred Acre Woods friends instead, and looking back I really wish we had ridden it again since there wasn't a wait. So this time I knew we'd ride it twice. And sure enough it was completely empty! Does nobody love this adorable attraction?? As the ride was ending Makena said she wanted to go again and I said "ok!" and the CM sent us through again after taking our photo. There still wasn't anyone in line! I was so happy I got to fix this, it's seriously been bugging me for a year!

We went to see the friends and Rabbit left just as we got there. Makena was confused that he walked away instead of hopping, yet she never mentioned the fact that Tigger wasn't bouncing!

When we met Eeyore Makena said, "He's so slow and sad."

Then we checked out the sweets, finally settling on one of the cheap little Mickey head truffles to save for after lunch.

On our way to the Pizza Port we saw Tiana singing and dancing at the New Orleans Square Bayou Bash party. They handed out Mardi Gras beads at the end but Makena had already gotten one earlier from a jazz band we passed. When they gave out noise makers to select crowd members Makena started to get sad, I knew she wanted one, and then she realized we were behind a fence. I was thankful when she didn't get upset about it, she seems to do well in situations like that. I know she feels the disappointment, but we talk about how it's nice when everyone gets a turn, and she rarely falls to pieces about it. She actually gets more upset when she does get something but not the purple item, (a hula hoop, bean bag, ball, etc.) if there is one.

As we headed to lunch we passed the rockets and she wanted to ride again. She loved saying, "We're higher than the castle!!"

Pasta for lunch! I usually really love this pasta, and I knew Makena would too, but I considered getting pommes frites and beignets at Cafe Orleans instead. And the pasta wasn't as yummy as I remember it, so I was bummed out. Next time. ;) As we checked out the map of the park and decided what to do next I remembered we had another chance at a photo update from last year. I had her take a sip of water as I snapped it. She has so much more hair now!!

Makena decided she wanted to drive the Autopia cars. I don't think I've ever done them before, so we headed that way but stopped to see what Innovations was. I'm glad we saw it, but it wasn't Disney enough for me. It just reminded me of a tech museum, so I wouldn't want to take time out to visit it again unless we were at Disneyland all the time. It also seemed to be the busiest place we encountered all day. Makena did like the dancing game, and it was cool to see some of the fun interactive exhibits.

The wait for Autopia was about 15 minutes. The only real "long" ride wait we had all day. Long is in quotes because normally a 15 minute wait for a ride at Disneyland is amazingly short! If/when we visit during the summer some time Makena is going to have a whole new experience of crowds and waits!! Of course she wanted a purple car, and I asked for one but she said we'd have to wait longer so I asked Makena if she wanted to wait or go on the next car. I'm glad she chose the next car!

I loved that in line they gave us a little cardboard driver's license. Makena was giggling the entire ride, our car kept stalling and when I'd pump the gas pedal it would go "BOOM!" and zoom forward, which she thought was hilarious but I wasn't doing it on purpose!

I was impressed with how long the track is, it kept going on for much longer than I expected! I was not impressed with the lack of Disney stuff. Not a single Mickey statue or sign?! (It's all in the details Disney, and you are normally so great at that!) At the end of the ride we walked out of the exit and noticed some photo booths where you could personalize your license. I thought maybe a photo sticker would come out for you to stick on the free cardboard one they gave us, so we waited for about 5 minutes. Then it was about to be our turn and I realized it costs $5 and they make a plastic one for you. I would've left, but by that point Makena had been so excited about it and wanted to show Mama, so I asked if she wanted to use her own $5 on buying it. She said yes, so we got one. It is very cute, and she put it in her wallet when we got home.

We walked back to the entrance to get the stroller and Makena asked if we could ride again. I was about to say no, and then saw the line was almost completely gone. So we went again, and this time we waited a few seconds for a purple car. :-) I try on a daily basis to be mindful of saying "yes" as often as possible, but of course I say "no" plenty of times- "No, we can't do that craft now because we are leaving in 5 minutes. No, today isn't a good park day, I have laundry to do. No, we just read that book, how about this one? No, it isn't time for milk right now, you are 3 now and can nurse at bedtime. No, you already watched two episodes of Doc and one Daniel Tiger, it's time to turn off the tv. No, macaroni and cheese isn't the best breakfast option. (although, I know they day is coming where I'll give in to that one!!)"

So yeah, I try to say "yes" whenever I can, but sometimes I don't. And there we were, with a chance for me to say "No, my head is hurting from whiplash on that ride, it's time to do XYZ now anyways" but instead I said yes and we had so many more giggles.

Next up was meeting Rapunzel. We had about a 10 minute wait. The room was cute but I wish she had been barefoot!

We went on the Alice ride next, and met another little girl named Makenna (with 2 n's) who was celebrating her 4th birthday. I asked someone to take this photo, to match the one of Makena and Pam last year.

As we were about to get on we were told that Makena had to either sit in the front solo, or in the back with me. Strange. Makena chose the front by herself! Here she is now, and then!

When the ride was over the line had grown so we didn't go on again. Instead we headed over to the Casey Junior train. As we were about to select our train car I heard Makena say she wanted a certain one, so I walked her over to the one I thought she mentioned and she resisted and pulled me back. I realized she said she wanted the pink cage car that we just passed, so we took a few steps back and then I saw a family pile in and there wasn't any more room. So we sat down in an open car and Makena started to cry, but the train started. She was fine within a few seconds, but asked if we could go again. I told her we'd see how the line was. It wasn't long so this time we got the pink cage and all was right in the world.

While in line the family behind us was wondering aloud what type of flower was growing nearby. I said I was pretty sure they were snap dragons. The daughter asked if they were called that because they snapped at dragons, and the parents laughed and said that they didn't know why they named them that. I told them that I wasn't sure either, but that snap dragon flowers can sing (or I guess snap) when you squeeze the back of them. They were fascinated, I wish I could have reached them to demonstrate it! I hope they will try it out some day.

Makena put her hands up at the fast hill part. :) There was an older girl who wanted to sit with her and she copied everything Makena did and kept commenting on how cute she was. Makena just kept beaming at me. Afterwards she said, "That big girl wanted to be my friend!"

We did the castle walk-through next, and then threw some coins into Snow White's wishing well and took a photo with the statues.

And of course we needed the obligatory Partners statue/castle photo! (Look at that, people are in the background! Park attendance was finally picking up around 3:30 pm!)

Mickey's Soundsationaal Parade was starting at 4, so we went on a hunt for a Mickey shaped pretzel to pass some time. I assumed they'd sell them at a snack cart, but we checked all of them around the hub and walked to the beginning of Main Street with no luck. Then we took a potty break and crowds were forming for the parade, so we went into the Refreshment Corner to grab something to munch on. Lo and behold, that's where they sell the Mickey pretzels! :) We got a front row seat (have I mentioned how awesome Disneyland is during the low-season?!) and enjoyed the parade.

I snapped this photo of Makena waiting to spot the parade, and then when she finally saw it coming. It reminded me of last year's similar photo while we waited for the same parade!

Snow White waved to Makena and of course that was the highlight for her. The lady sitting next to us spent more time watching Makena's reactions than looking at the parade. :)

I was worried that my phone battery was going to die, so I texted Pam to suggest that we should just plan to meet at the Lego store in Downtown Disney at 6:30 in case we lost communication. (Is that what people did back in the day? They made a plan and stuck to it?) Then we headed to the Jungle Cruise which was fun. Makena got very concerned that we were going to go under the waterfall. (Haha, she just walked up and said, "Hey, that says my name!" so I read her the last sentence and she said, "But we didn't get wet on our hair, we just went in a tunnel."

We checked out Aladin's Oasis next, which in all my Disneyland trips I have no memory of whatsoever! Apparently it used to be a dinner and show, but now it's just a place to meet Aladin? There was nobody else around, it really was a little oasis! I wonder what Disney is planning to do with the space. There's a stage and large eating area with tables and everything.

It was about 5 pm (I love that the photos in my phone have the time on them so I can check this stuff!) so I asked Makena what she wanted to ride for the last time, and she chose the rockets. We were waiting in line in front of a mother and daughter. The girl seemed to be about 5 years old. She was sweet, said hi to Makena, and then her mom pulled back on her leash and told her not to bother people. My heart sank. The next 15 minutes were difficult. Every time Makena was happy about something the little girl looked like she was just aching to have a good time. Makena bounded into my waist for a hug and I picked her up and whispered how much I love her. I couldn't help but wonder when the sweet girl standing 3 feet away from me last heard that. The other mom just kept saying negative things and yanking on that ridiculous harness leash. (I used to be adamantly anti-child leashes, and while I can't imagine owning one, I can understand certain situations where they might be appropriate.) I smiled a few times at the girl and then tried to mind my business.

She seemed happy as we got onto the rockets and I didn't see her afterwards. Of course I kept imagining different scenarios to explain the mom's seemingly hostile behavior. There have definitely been moments on tough stressful days when strangers probably thought I was an awful mom for something I've done with Makena in public. And I was awful in those moments, I admit that, and we talk about it later as a family. None of us are perfect, it's in the journey where we shine.

So, I let it go and focused on my own wonderful child, who was feeling very sad that it was time to leave, but very excited to see Mama and tell her all the fun we had. We waved goodbye to the castle and headed down Main Street. Stopped in a shop for some loose leaf Wonderland Tea (I had recently run out of my supply from last year) and Makena bought an Ariel place mat. I really wanted the Mickey shaped tea ball but we'd spent enough as it was! I asked the CM at the register where to get on the Monorail so we can take it to Downtown Disney. She told me we were already so close that unless we wanted to walk back to Tomorrowland it wasn't worth it. I don't remember ever going on the Monorail before, it just seems lame when there are so many better things to do, but I figured it'd be a fun way to exit! Oh well, next time. We left the park and walked through DD. I texted Pam asking about dinner, I figured Makena would fall asleep on the ride to LA and I realized we hadn't eaten real food in a while. My phone battery was at about 4% so I asked if she wanted Mexican or Italian. She told me to pick and I said to meet us at Tortilla Joe's. Pam's ETA was 6:25, and it was 6:05 when I put our names on the list for a 20 minute wait. Perfect! And then my phone died.

As we waited we threw some coins into a fountain and then Makena asked if she could dance. There was some live music with fun lights, and she entertained passerby. Then she said she had to go potty, so we went to the restaurant and then it was our turn to be seated and we sat and waited for Pam. I've become scarily attached to my phone, and not being able to text and ask if Pam had arrived, tell her that we were inside already, anything, was making me worried. It seemed to take forever. What if she was lost? What if she got in an accident? What if she was standing outside waiting for us? Finally I asked our server if I could plug my phone in somewhere and he said no, and sneaked his phone to me. I called her and said we were sitting already and she was just parking the car. Then she arrived and we ate some of the best food ever, I was so mad we weren't at home and couldn't save leftovers. The servings were huge!

Then we headed to the car and Makena told Pam everything about the day and Pam told me who she saw at the red carpet. We took off Makena's Snow White dress and buckled her up and drove away. As we were exiting the parking lot (we had been driving for literally less than 60 seconds) I turned around and noticed that Makena was asleep. At least, I thought she was asleep. I had that flash of panic and reached back to feel her heart beating and her lungs breathing. And she was just sleeping! Pam and I got a good laugh over that!!

We got to the LA hotel and I carried Makena (who woke up and was groggy) upstairs while Pam parked the car. She told me the wrong room number, the numbers didn't go that high, so I stood in the hallway confused until a worker came and helped me. I was thrilled with the room, SUCH an upgrade from the previous hotel. Doubly expensive though, but again we were stuck with limited choices. :/ The free water bottles and snacks were a great perk! Makena went to bed and we turned in too. In the morning we walked next door to grab breakfast at Starbucks (thank you Pam for getting all those preschool teacher gift cards for Christmas!!) and loaded up the car and hit the road again!

It was such a great trip. I felt like I was in shock the whole time. It happened so quickly and was SO unexpected. Just a few days ago I had been talking to a friend about preschool costs and how I'd rather skip it all together and just go to Disneyland. And then BAM, we were there! Maybe I manifested it. :)

Today we were grocery shopping and I said, "Oh Makena I love you!" and she replied, "And I love DISNEYLAND!"

Oh, how I love her.