Relishing the end of the only child days

Three days past my due date, and I'm really trying to relish these last few days with Makena as my only child. I put her to bed and lay next to her, wondering if this is the last night of our routine before it changes. I wake up with her body plastered against mine and wonder if it's our last morning snuggling in bed together just the two of us. I feel like she can sense how soon the baby will be here, she's been even clingier than normal and asking for cuddles and hugs constantly. She's also been telling me often (especially when she's supposed to be falling asleep) how much she loves me. "Mommy, I love you bigger than the whole world!"

I'm talking to her a lot these days about how I will always love her and that no matter what she is my first baby and that's super special. Today she picked out a little gift to give the baby when it's born, and I have a gift ready for her from the baby, in addition to the necklace I'm giving her.

So yeah, I'm ready for the baby, but I'm also okay with these last few days of waiting. I'm so excited to see Makena as a big sister! But for now I'm enjoying the end of her only child days!

Due Date!

The first thing you look up when you find out you're pregnant is your due date. We all know it's just an estimate, there is no way to know exactly when baby is meant to be born. Some people are off on their dates and some babies just come earlier and some just come later! I believe very strongly in not inducing labor and letting babies choose their own birth dates. And since Makena was 11 days "late" I had a feeling that this one would be too. Apparently my uterus is extremely comfortable and the babies I grow never want to leave.

But that doesn't mean I'm not ready to meet this baby! Although technically I guess we're not 100% ready. Over the weekend we discovered that Makena had head lice. Because what would be more fun to deal with at the end of pregnancy?! So we panicked and treated all of us to be sure we're lice-free, then Pam took all the laundry to be re-washed (which we had just spent $50 doing last weekend!) and we cleaned the house and the car. Then I installed the baby's carseat which I've been meaning to get done. So now we're a bit more ready, but I'm still feeling like the timing isn't exactly right.

Makena drew the baby on my belly-

Pam and I went out to a fancy dinner thanks to a $100 gift card, and I took this photo in the bathroom-

I can't believe that soon I'll be taking photos of another baby! Makena is going to look so grown up all of a sudden. I love photos of her sleeping.

I had my 40 week prenatal appointment today. I weigh 201 lbs, which is a pound less than I weighed 12 days ago. Belly is measuring 39 weeks, and baby is burrowed in deep. My midwife thinks this baby won't be as big as Makena was, and estimates it weighs a little over 8 lbs right now. She had to reschedule my appointment from last week because she was with a client who was finally delivering her baby... 4 WEEKS late! Oh how I'm hoping that isn't me! We've been thinking November this whole time, I can't imagine having a December baby! Plus, December is for Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year!

Pam would like the baby to come on Monday evening, 11/25, or Tuesday the 26th. She has her preschool feast day on that Monday and then has the rest of the week off, so that would be ideal timing. Plus she REALLY wants to go see The Hunger Games Catching Fire movie on Friday. We have plans to go as a last movie date if I'm still pregnant then.

I'd like the baby to be born tomorrow. Makena was born on January 20th, so I think November 20th would be nice. Plus it's one of the few days this month were I don't know someone with a birthday! You know what they say about November babies... they are the previous Valentine's Day gifts. ;) I'd just really like a date before the 22nd because then the birthday won't ever fall on Thanksgiving.

Not like we get any say in this whatsoever, but it's fun to guess and try to imagine!

We still don't have a name picked out, but we aren't stressed about that since we don't want to name the baby until after it's born anyway and we get a chance to see what feels right.

We also don't have the birth pool set up yet. We just got it today and I can't wait for tomorrow when we'll do our dry run to see that everything is working. I'd also like to clean the house again, we're trying to stay on top of the clutter and cleaning a bit more than usual so that when I first start labor I won't be overwhelmed by a messy cluttered apartment. It's so hard though, having a small apartment and so much stuff taking up space.

But now that we have the birth pool in our possession, are lice-free, and have the baby car seat installed, I guess we are pretty much ready! So we'll see. The date really doesn't matter, I just hope we have a healthy baby and a nice easy labor that doesn't drag on for days and a wonderful birth story!

Our Special Family Day & Maternity Photos!

A couple months ago Makena saw something on TV about eating on a train in a dining car. She thought the idea was fascinating, and we talked about how you can eat on a train or a boat or even an airplane. (This is a kid who regularly eats snacks in the car, lol.) I looked up train trips to see how much it would cost for a little lunch date, but they don't work like that apparently. You have to travel a pretty significant distance for the dining car to be open. So I looked up brunch cruises and they were so expensive that I quickly shot down that idea. She kept mentioning it for a while, and I brushed it off, and eventually she stopped.

I was recently babysitting and was chatting with their housemate who mentioned she worked at Hornblower Cruises. I told her about Makena's obsession with the idea of eating on a train or boat, and the next thing I knew I was being offered 2 complimentary passes for a dining cruise!! WHAT?! And, she told me that Makena would actually be free since she's under 4 years old, so Pam and I could both go! I was beyond thrilled and so thankful! Those tickets are $69 each! I decided we'd plan a fun special day out and do some special things before our family of 3 turns into a family of 4. I called and booked the cruise for Sunday the 10th.

Another thing I'd been really wanting to do was to take Makena to see Peter Pan. We've been looking forward to taking her to her first real musical theater performance, and the local youth theater group was doing Peter Pan at the community theater downtown. I tried to get the $10 tickets for the weekday afternoon showing, but they were sold out so I picked a Sunday evening. Then we went to the library and borrowed the CD so Makena could be familiar with all the songs and I got the stage version of the DVD so she'd know what to expect. At bedtime she started requesting I sing Tender Shepherd and Never Neverland.

So with tickets in my hand for a brunch cruise followed by an evening at the theater we made a count down chain and anticipated our special family day! We kept talking about what a fun day it would be, and although we've had a few rough days lately with Makena's behavior and some intense tantrums and I was a bit worried she'd be a disaster and have a miserable time, I also thought that maybe all she needed was a day of our full attention and some exciting plans. And it worked beautifully! It really was a fantastic day, my heart was so full!

We got to the pier in San Francisco early, and sat in the car while we waited so we wouldn't have to start paying the meter yet. When it was time to board we had to wait with a big group and slowly made our way through the line and got on the boat. As we got to our assigned table I realized it was even fancier than I expected, and Makena was so excited about the special glass she got to drink her orange juice out of. Since we boarded early, 30 minutes before the departure time, she got a bit antsy. Once the boat started to move she was excited again. We got our food and she was wide-eyed by the dessert table. She's not a fan of chocolate covered strawberries, so strange! The croissants (with powdered sugar) were her favorite part, she said at one point- "I can't wait to come back again some day for more croissants! Maybe after this one I can get a third! We let her indulge in whatever she wanted, since it was free and we so rarely get to do that.

Then she wanted to go outside and we spent some time on the upper deck pointing out the sights of the city she was born in. I grew up in this area and have never been on a cruise around SF bay! It was really fun. Super windy and an insane amount of seagulls following us around, but fun! Makena loved this raised platform and declared it her dance floor. There was an actual dance floor in the dining room, right next to our table, and the piano player started to play Twinkle Twinkle when he saw Makena dancing but she got shy and ran back to our table to hide behind me. We took a bunch of photos, and she asked to take one of us. She stood there forever saying it wasn't working, then when I looked there were 12 of the exact same photo. Lol.

We went under the Golden Gate Bridge and then back inside to eat lunch and visit the restocked dessert table. Makena asked Mama to dance with her.

When the lovely 2 hour cruise was over we headed home but stopped at Stanford Shopping Center to take some maternity photos. I really loved our maternity photo shoot when I was pregnant with Makena, but we couldn't afford to do it this time and so Pam borrowed a nice camera from a friend and she took these!

Makena was upset that we were going home and didn't want to take any photos. She started to cry and said she wouldn't take any. Then we saw a huge Christmas tree and she perked up and wanted to take photos of kissing and hugging my belly.

On our way to the car we passed these flowers and she said she wanted to take another photo with my belly. :) I really wish we had asked someone to take a photo of the 3 of us, I kept meaning to have Pam join us in a photo but didn't remember.

We had a little downtime at home then went to dinner at Amici's for some pizza before walking over to the theater. And we took the first (and only) family photo of the day!

And then it happened, the doors opened and we got to find our seats. 3rd row center orchestra! (The ticket prices were the same no matter where you sit, so when I bought them I wasn't going to settle for crappy seats!) Makena was so excited! Of course there were three adults in a row in front of us, so she mostly sat on Pam's lap so she could see.

The lights finally dimmed and the show started! At intermission she started to cry and we weren't sure what was wrong until she asked me through tears when we could come back. Awww, she thought it was over and we weren't going to watch the whole show! She liked looking at the orchestra and sneaking bites of sour gummy worms while we waited for the second act to begin. During one of the pirate songs she got bored and asked for the next part, lol. And when it was time to clap to bring Tinkerbell back to life she enthusiastically clapped and was beaming. At the end Peter was flying and waved goodbye and she leaned forward and waved. I had a headache from trying not to cry so much! It was just so touching to spend such an awesome day all together. We don't get many chances to splurge like that and it made me feel really emotional that we were given the opportunity. As we walked out of the theater Makena was very sad that Peter Pan didn't fly out over the audience. I tried to explain the limitations of community youth theater!

We got home and I kept thinking about how perfect our family of 3 is, and what a huge change is coming. We're so very excited about the new baby, there's no doubt of that!! But we know the transition will be difficult at times until we find our new rhythm. When we try to think about the logistics of sleep arrangements and driving to work/preschool it seems overwhelming, so we're trying to surrender to the fact that we'll just have to deal with it as it comes. It's really unfortunate that we can't afford for Pam to take off work. Thankfully there are people who are willing to help us and I know I can ask anyone for anything, but I also know I'll want her around as much as she wishes she could be home!! 

Last night we went on a final date night for who knows how long. It took us 7 months after Makena was born for us to go on our first night out together. We used the $100 gift certificate to Flemings's Steakhouse that we won for selling the most raffle tickets at Makena's preschool. Makena was excited that my mom was coming over with a surprise movie (The Jungle Book, which she's been trying to get her hands on for a while). We went to dinner and it was a super fancy place and we had fun giggling about how out of place we were while eating overpriced food. We even accidentally ordered water that cost us $7! We got home around 8pm and when we walked in the door Makena jumped up from her blanket on the floor where they had been eating popcorn and watching the movie and came running and crying to us. But nothing was wrong, she was just upset that we were home and they didn't finish the movie. So we said Grandmo could stay a bit longer and we went into the other room. 

She's a funny kid!

Loving Two (a poem I found online)

This poem I found captures so many of my feelings. I know that a sibling is a precious gift, and I so look forward to having a pair of little girls grow up together and marveling over their sisterly bond. But that doesn't change the dread I feel already over losing so much time with Makena. It's been just her for almost 4 years, and I've soaked up every moment we share for the blessing it is. She gets my undivided attention, all my hugs, my full lap... and all that is about to change. It's going to be a tough transition for all of us!

I really wanted to do something special with just the two of us before the baby is born. We were given a pair of tickets to take a brunch cruise around the San Francisco bay, and Makena's been fascinated with the idea of eating on a boat so I know she'll love it. Plus kids under 4 are free, so Pam gets to come too! I thought about how Makena and I spend almost all of our time together just the two of us, and that it's important for us to do a special family thing before our 3 become 4. We're going next Sunday on November 10th. Then that evening the fun continues and we're all going to see Peter Pan, Makena's first official musical theater performance! It's a youth production (held at our city's center of performing arts, where I did performances when I was a kid) and we're really excited to take her. I've been playing the soundtrack and she can't wait!

Tomorrow is our baby shower! We're looking forward to seeing everyone and celebrating. Makena seems to have mixed feelings about it, we've been moving so much stuff out of our apartment and into storage (and selling a lot too) and it's been upsetting for her to see her stuff get taken away. Especially because it's to make room for the new baby. So I think knowing that we're having a party for the baby is exciting yet a little confusing for her. She asked me if the baby will be there, lol. It was fun to show her photos of her baby shower, and some of the gifts we received for her before she was born.

But anyway, on with the poem!

Loving Two 

As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship, suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.

And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you.

I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" And I hear myself telling you in mine,"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.

I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three.

I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.

And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.