364 Days Old

Hadley will be 1 tomorrow.

Ever since Makena was born the years go by so quickly, but this last one really flew by!

Wasn't I just pregnant? Wasn't she just a baby who laid on her blanket while Makena asked when she would be big enough to play with? Wasn't she just sitting and learning how to put toys in her mouth?

And in the blink of an eye she's a walking little person.

She is sweet, and loving, and cuddly. She rests her head on your chest and just reconnects for a bit.

She loves her sister and mamas. She gives Makena hugs, and giggles and shrieks with joy when they chase each other. Makena wrote this note on Hadley's behalf. It says "Oooo Waaa by Hadley" lol.

She is determined, and adventurous, and clever. She carried this step stool over to the couch to climb up. If there isn't a way for her to get up onto something, she figures out a way to do it herself!

She brings so much joy to all of us. She's content to play and explore and watch Makena. She's easy-going. She loves to dance. She gets very excited about going outside, when the front door is open she makes a beeline for it. Anywhere we are, she heads towards the door! As I carry her to the car she wiggles and squeals with happiness. She just loves to go!

Today Makena went to breakfast at Grandmo's house, they baked and did crafts for Thanksgiving. Then Pam picked her up and took her to babysit with her, so it's been just Hadley and I at home all day.

This morning she woke at 7, and for breakfast ate scrambled eggs and raspberries and bits of my English muffin. She napped from 10-11 in my lap, then we played, read books, and I cleaned up while she sat in her high chair and ate lunch. Black beans, carrots, peas, and a slice of apple and a few crackers. She cried while I vacuumed, sometimes she cries, sometimes she laughs! She's silly like that. Fell asleep for another nap at 3, woke up at 4:30. Sometimes she skips that afternoon nap, but then evenings are really tough since she's tired and wants to sleep at like 5.

But she napped in my lap, and we just rocked and rocked. And I looked at her beautiful face, this human that my body grew and birthed.

She's exactly what I wanted. I feel like I hit the jackpot twice.

Breastfeeding.

Makena asked me the other day why some babies drink from bottles. I told her there are lots of reasons. Sometimes moms pump their milk like she's seen me do, sometimes moms bodies can't make enough milk, sometimes moms have to take a kind of medicine that makes their milk not healthy for a baby, sometimes moms choose not to breastfeed, sometimes the baby doesn't have a mom.

Then she asked how they get milk if the baby doesn't get breastmilk, and I realized she had no idea what formula was. So I explained what it is (she asked if you mix breastmilk into the powder) and also talked about donor milk and wet nurses and all the ways babies get fed.

I tried to make it seem very nonchalant, but when she asked if formula was healthy I paused for a second. I didn't want her to think that it's not healthy, I definitely don't want her thinking there is anything negative about it, but at the same time I was uncomfortable saying it's perfectly healthy.

I said something about it being a acceptable alternative for people who need it, and then I turned it back onto me. I told her that I love breastfeeding and to me it's important to only feed my babies breastmilk. I told her that we don't drink cow's milk because I don't think humans need to drink cow breastmilk, since it's designed for baby cows to nurse. I reminded her that formula is usually made with cow's milk, or soy, and that I try to avoid that as well. I explained that in an emergency, if it's a very young infant that needs milk, of course it's most important to feed the baby whatever milk is available, even if it's formula. But I also told her that if something happened to me and I couldn't make milk anymore, that I'd want to use donated breastmilk. I said there are women who made extra milk, and give it to babies who need it. Then I told her that when I was a baby I nursed from my mom's friend when she babysat me, just like my mom nursed her friend's baby when she babysat her.

Breastfeeding was never one of many options for me. It was THE ONLY option. I never thought for a split second that I wouldn't breastfeed my babies some day. I grew up seeing my mom nurse my baby brother, I used to pretend to nurse him myself, and I just assumed that's what moms do. I remember years ago in New York, Pam and I were near Rockefeller Center and somehow the topic of breastfeeding came up. This was probably around 2003/2004, at least 5 years before I was even pregnant. She said she didn't know if she had been breastfed, and that was absolutely crazy to me. I had her call her mom right then as we walked down the sidewalk.

As I was initially answering Makena's questions, I felt like it was crucial for me to allow space for her future situation. What if she adopts a baby some day, and wants to use formula? What if she can't breastfeed her biological child even though she desperately longs to? I hope that she knows that whatever she decides I would support. I think it's most important that baby is fed, and that mom is comfortable with however that happens. My heart aches for women who struggle to breastfeed, just like women who suffer multiple miscarriages and fertility problems. It must feel beyond horrible to think your own body is betraying you. So I'm very glad there are viable options for women who need them!

But I absolutely hope that one day she chooses to be a mother and gets to experience the beauty of a wonderful nursing relationship. There is just know way to understand that kind of love until you do it, and I hope she cuddles her newborn and marvels at that little one and knows how I felt (feel!) about her.