Tuesday, March 26, 2013

My favorite things about Makena right now.

I love that she always pulls her pants and undies back down under her belly button if we've pulled them on too high.

I love how she says "Hey! I have an idea!"

I love her enthusiasm.

I love when I can tell she's feeling upset about something and is about to cry, and she will sometimes come to me for a cuddle or walk into the other room to pout.

"Baby dabuga in the deep boo sea..."

How she pronounces milk when she's sleepy or asking at 5 am- "Meealk"

I love when I tell her that I love her as she's nursing and she pops off just to say she loves me too.

I love when she initiates a really good hug.

She comes up with soulutions on her own. The other day she was devastated that she didn't get to blow a kiss to Pam as she left the car and went to work. She cried and cried as I tried to call Pam and text her, but she didn't hear the phone and we had to head to school. About halfway there she stopped crying and said, "how about I blow YOU a kiss instead?" And she blew one into her mirror and I grabbed it from my mirror as I was driving.

I love how her voice gets all sweet and high pitched and smiley when I ask her if she can say something again in a kinder way.

She used to say "bay-bay" for band-aid, but now she says "ban-ban." I like them both equally!

When we get on the highway where there is a big loop entrance she always says, "Whoa! We're goin' in a BIG CIRCLE!"

And she raises her hands like we're on a rollercoaster when driving up and down overpasses. "Wheeee!"

She says that cars have rainbows when she sees the half circle shape rear windshield wipers make on a dusty car.

And she's always asking for street names and wondering if we're on a highway... and if so she'll say she wants to go on the low-way.

She's just super funny, she says stuff all day long that makes me laugh!

This list could go on and on forever. Days have been tough lately, age 3 is super hard for all of us. She's so independent yet so needy. She went from playing well by herself to wanting interaction constantly. She's been speaking angrily and demanding all sorts of stuff. It's exhausting and some days I count down the minutes until 7pm/bedtime. We been watching a lot of TV lately, just because I need breaks for my sanity. Also I'm trying not to have her nurse as often so we compromise on watching TV. But despite how long the days are seeming, I'm still deeply in love with my sweet caring smart beautiful girl. And I'm still troubled with the same worries as always. I worry she'll get hurt, I'm worried I'll get hurt. I'm worried we'll be separated somehow and she'll forget about me. My love for her is so overwhelming and all encompassing at times that I feel I'm going to drown it in, like it's not fair that so much wonderfulness is in my life. It's like things are too good that tragedy just ought to strike any minute. I worry that I love her SO MUCH that I can't possibly be so lucky that I'll get to keep her. I don't even think that makes sense, if anyone else told me they felt that way I'd think they just needed to stop watching Lifetime movies, but it's how I really feel sometimes!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

First ear infection, first dentist visit.

These are firsts I've been dreading. I was hopeful that Makena would make it through her childhood without an ear infection/need for antibiotics. And although I understand that dental health is important, I have huge dentist issues. But I finally made Makena an appointment.

I'll back up and talk about the ear infection first.

2 nights ago Makena went to bed at 7pm like normal, but then woke at 9pm. I went in to nurse her back to sleep but she was tossing and turning. I thought she must have to pee, so I brought her sleepy self to the toilet but she didn't go. Back in bed and more nursing, but she still wasn't falling asleep. She mentioned her left ear hurt, and I wasn't sure if she had been sleeping on it funny or if it was something more serious. But sleep wasn't going to happen so at 12:30 I finally let her get out of bed and we watched an episode of Mickey. She was exhausted, and still saying her ear hurt when we asked why she wasn't sleeping. She wasn't mentioning it on her own though, and started to say her belly hurt too. So by then I wasn't sure what to believe, I just knew she needed sleep. I suspected an ear infection, and looked online for some home remedies. I made some garlic infused olive oil and tried to drop some of it into her ear but she freaked out.

Eventually Pam was able to get her to sleep (around 2am!) by rocking her, and I snuck some of the oil in her ear. In the morning she said that she felt better but that her ear still hurt. We had plans and decided to stick with them. We dropped off Pam at work and grabbed a bagel for breakfast, which Makena took one bite of and said she didn't like. Unusual. Then we picked up Colin and took him to preschool and got to stay and play with him. They had such a blast together, playing adorably like best friends.



Then we went to lunch. Bagels were requested, I still had Makena's leftover and she wanted to eat it. Took a bite and said she didn't like it, so I bought a new one and she didn't like that one either. Very strange. Then we got back to Colin's house and Makena's face looked flushed. She doesn't normally get pink cheeks like that, but she didn't feel warm or have a fever. I had called the doctor earlier and they suggested either waiting until tomorrow or going to the after hours clinic at 5pm. She was tired and so I took her home and she asked for a nap and slept from 2-3. We drove to pick up Pam and then killed some time and made our way over to near the doctor. I was told that the after hours clinic opened at 5pm and took appointments only on a first come first served basis, so she suggested I call right at 5 for the first spot. We pulled up at 5 and I called, only to be told they don't see patients until 6 and their first appointment wasn't until 6:30. What?! So we went to dinner at CPK (where Makena finally ate some pita, hummus, and pasta!) and then we went back. I felt pretty sure at this point that she had an ear infection, so I wasn't surprised when the doctor said she did in her left ear. She wrote a prescription for antibiotics and I asked if the infection was bad enough that they were really necessary. She told me it was a "moderate infection with some bulging" and that had it been a minor infection they'd suggest watchful waiting. She also prescribed some ear drops for the pain, to help Makena sleep.

I posted on Facebook about it and thankfully my similarly minded friends piped up with suggestions. We were driving by Whole Foods so I ran in and bought some all natural ear drops for kids, and we stopped at Walgreens to fill the prescription for the antibiotics. I didn't want to give them to Makena just yet, but I wanted to have them on hand. Plus, they were free which was a nice surprise. We did have to pay $2.99 for the grape flavoring that Makena chose. The pharmacist listed off about 20 flavor choices. Makena doesn't take medicine easily, so we were hoping that would help.

We finally got home an hour after bedtime, and I knew Makena would go right to sleep. Except she didn't. For some reason it took until 9:30 for her to fall asleep. Guess the nap was a bad idea. Then I put the ear drops in, and she woke up this morning saying that her ear only hurt a "yittle." She and Pam went to Other Parent Day at preschool and had a great time.

We had lunch at home then headed to the dentist. I'd been researching places that accept Medi-cal and having a very hard time. I couldn't find any in our neighborhood. Makena's doctor had given us a list that they recommend, but I was reluctant to use any of them since they weren't very nearby. Plus none of the dentists on the list had any reviews on yelp, or even websites! But I finally made an appointment with one of them. I was just so tired of searching. I asked if they were experienced working with young children and what was to be expected at a first visit. (I've heard horror stories of dentists that don't allow a parent to accompany the child, and wanted to make sure we weren't going to be in that situation, because that clearly wouldn't work for us.) They said that they were a family practice that specializes in children, and yes I could go with her. The dentist would do an exam and then a fluoride treatment.

Ok, sounds good. I figured they'd want to do a fluoride treatment but I knew I'd decline it. I've researched fluoride before, and that's why Makena uses a fluoride-free toothpaste. Our city's tap water is fluoridated, unfortunately, so I just don't want to add any other fluoride. I believe that topical fluoride is less harmful than ingested fluoride, but I still want to lessen her exposure. I assumed it'd be an easy thing to decline, at least much easier than declining vaccinations. And although the receptionist didn't mention it when I called, I assumed that if an x-ray were offered I'd just decline that as well. It's her first visit, I wanted it to be simple and non-invasive. If tooth decay or cavities or anything were suspected we could consider treatment plans and decide if x-rays were necessary. And if they were, I'd ask for the option with the least radiation. Maybe the digital x-rays if possible. Maybe I'd even ask for a second opinion.

I'll fully admit that I have pretty major dentist fear/anxiety. I can barely watch toothpaste commercials without getting the heebie-jeebies. Once when I was a summer camp counselor I had to brush my teeth from a spigot of water in the middle of a forest with a group of campers, and I was almost throwing up because I was so freaked out. But anyway, I know it's important so I wanted to do the right thing for Makena. Plus she has some yellowing on her top front teeth that we wanted to ask about. And I thought it'd be nice for her to hear from a friendly dentist how important it is to brush your teeth and let mommy help.

As we're driving to the dentist I see on the gps that we're heading right towards where I used to work. I was already feeling anxious but my heart started to sink as we pulled up to the dentist office. It was across the street from a school where I used to work with troubled kids, in a neighborhood where I felt nervous walking by myself down the street and expected to find my car broken into every day. And there was the dentist, with it's bars on the window in a little run down looking strip mall. Tensions were high because I was feeling SO uncomfortable.

Makena was excited though. We'd been prepping her and reading books and talking about the dentist. She was looking forward to it. I was trying to stay positive for her. I wasn't doing my best, but Pam started filling out the paperwork which was nice. We got there about 10 minutes early but weren't seen for another 30 minutes. Makena was in a bad mood by then, she kept asking when it would be her turn. Pam and I were frustrated with the paperwork. The receptionist gave Makena a coloring sheet and crayons and Makena crumbled up her drawing and cried. Tensions were even higher. Deep breaths. We were asked to sign a consent form that listed extractions, crowns, drugs, root canals. I was confused by that and asked why it was needed. He said it was just office policy. I wasn't about to sign CONSENT for oral surgery before Makena had even been examined, so I said I wasn't comfortable signing it.

Finally we were called in. It was a very old looking strange set up. There was nothing welcoming or child friendly. I felt like the dentist and assistant weren't warm at all. They didn't talk to Makena or try to make her comfortable. Makena climbed into the chair and laid down, and held my hand. She's so brave, I really admire her spirit. They knew I didn't sign the form and we hardly even said hello and they immediately reached for a lead apron to put on Makena. I was obviously taken aback. I asked if they were doing an x-ray and they said yes. I said I wasn't exactly sure I wanted her to have x-rays before having her teeth looked at, and since it's her first visit I thought she was just going to have her teeth looked at and then we could discuss the findings. The dentist was very annoyed and said "Well she might not even let me take them so we just have to try." And with that logic I asked if we could just skip the x-ray for now, since it wasn't necessary. She was frustrated with me and said she couldn't do an incomplete exam, and that she wasn't sure why I was arguing with her about x-rays and fluoride. She asked why I didn't want the treatment applied to her teeth and I simply said that we don't use fluoride because it's toxic. (I wasn't arguing at all, I was speaking very calmly and asking genuine questions!) It was very apparent that this dentist was not used to being questioned or even discussing anything with her patients. At this point I realized it wasn't going to work out, I didn't want her touching Makena at all because I just sensed that no matter what she was already upset with me and that's not the kind of energy I wanted to deal with. She said that there wasn't anything she could do for us, so I picked up our very confused on-the-brink-of-tears little one, who had SO been looking forward to this visit, and we left.

My heart was breaking. I was so frustrated and angry. Frustrated that since we're low-income we can't afford to go to the care providers we'd like to. Angry that I have to fight to be my child's advocate. Frustrated that so many people blindly follow and don't research or question anything, which only makes ME seem like the crazy one for being concerned with Makena's health and what's in her best interest. Angry that this was Makena's first dentist experience. She was sad that we didn't get anything afterwards. All this time we'd been speculating if she'd get a sticker or a toy or new toothbrush. When we walked out we saw the kids that had been in before us eating ice cream, and she asked for ice cream and we said no. She was rightfully and understandably confused and upset. And I was also frustrated that I'm the type of person that cares so freaking much about doing the right thing that it makes it hard for me to blindly trust people in white coats.

It was horrible. I'm in tears remembering it because it's just so unfair. I started to doubt myself, to wonder if maybe I was overreacting. Maybe the x-rays and fluoride are no big deal. Maybe I should have just signed their consent form. But no, I'm not overreacting. A quick google search proves that. You're never supposed to sign consent forms like that for absolutely no reason. Once you sign it, you've signed over all rights. That signature would hold up in court. Lawsuits have been thrown out when people try to sue doctors for surgeries they didn't mean to consent to, but hey, they signed the form! This is why I'm the type who reads fine print before signing ANY thing. I'm obsessive about not signing anything unless I'm 100% sure of and agree to what I'm signing. And x-rays are NOT necessary for a first visit, especially for a 3 year old who hasn't even had her teeth glanced at. If the dentist examined her teeth and suspected problems, I'm sure I would have been open to it. I understand that a visual exam alone can't see everything, but it was her very first time there, and I was under the impression that it would be a quick simple visit just to get her comfortable with having a stranger poke around at her teeth. I thought they'd look at her teeth, count them, maybe practice brushing.

As we drove home I tried explaining to her that I'll find a new dentist and next time will be better. Pam went to the store and bought her a new fun toothbrush since she didn't get anything from the dentist.

I posted about the experience in my local attachment parenting group and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. With each reply I'm in tears again. Every single person agrees that the dentist was out of line, and I was definitely within my right to question and decline. And, I've been applauded for standing my ground and taking Makena out of that situation instead of regretting it later. I didn't feel strong in that moment, I felt confused and frustrated, but I'm glad I didn't give in. I think we can definitely find a better match. A kinder dentist who takes the time to introduce themselves to Makena and is happy to talk to me about my concerns. I'm pretty sure the dentist we saw has never had a patient question anything, and was very annoyed with me. But my concerns are real, and valid, and I am not the first person to voice them.

It's just really unfortunate that we ended up with a dentist that is only used to clients who are sheep.

Now I have to find a new dentist, but at least I know more of what to ask beforehand. I was given lots of great looking recommendations but I need to find one that either accepts Medi-cal or offers a price that we can afford. I know beggars can't be choosers. I know I'm supposed to be thankful that we can receive medical and dental care for free. But I don't believe that means we have to settle for being disrespected or put in situations that make us uncomfortable.

Being a grown-up is so hard.