Different types of mothers

This has been bothering me for a while. I can't seem to shake it off so I'm writing it out in hopes to work through it...

A few days before Mother's Day I started seeing articles online about what moms really wanted for Mother's Day. Most of them were funny, or at least supposed to be. But they all had the same general theme. And all these similar articles were posted and shared all over. Apparently a lot moms want to spend Mother's Day without their children.

At first I smiled and understood. Yes, I sure do want to go to the bathroom without interruption! Yes, I would love a visit to a spa! Yes, a bath and time to read a real book would be great! But I certainly don't want to be without Makena for the whole day. Even being without her for a short time makes me feel like my heart is missing. I can't think of anything more important I could be doing than being with her. So I started to be annoyed that the overwhelming theme was repeated over and over again that moms just want time to themselves. Me time. I've struggled with this notion that moms should need and want and deserve time alone.

Because not all moms are like that.

Some moms want to spend their Mother's Day with their child. Just like they love spending every single day with that child. Am I just lucky? Is my kid better than all these other kids who have parents that want to constantly escape from them? Am I just more cut out for motherhood because I truly love mothering 24/7 when everyone everywhere is urging me to take time for myself? Is it my personality? The fact that from a very young age all I wanted from life was to be a mom? That I saw no point to attending college and wasting all that money when I planned to be a stay at home mom someday? Or is it my mothering style? I believe in attachment parenting and the immense benefits of forming this lifelong bond. I love that Makena and I are so close. I cherish every moment that I'm blessed to spend with her!

Does this mean I don't have other interests? Things I'd like to do without her? Sure, but they are few and far between. I read another article saying that it's selfish to have more than one child because with each child you lose more and more of yourself until the only thing you are is a mom. It makes me so sad that parents who think like that have children in the first place. Don't have kids if they are such a bother to you, for goodness sake!! I can't wrap my mind around it. I love love LOVE being a mom. There is nothing I'd rather do. I haven't lost any part of myself. I've gained my full potential. Without a child I was just waiting for my life to begin. I enjoyed traveling and falling in love and sleeping in and staying out late. I loved my life, it was great! But I couldn't wait to trade that all for being a mom. I knew without a doubt that I would be a great mom, and that I'd love it!

Is that part of it too? My never-failing confidence that I'd be a great mom? I remember talking about having kids with Pam many years ago. She said she was worried she'd make mistakes and screw up her kids. I thought that was crazy talk. But I hear that repeated often. So many moms are worried they are failing somehow. Am I just lucky that I've NEVER felt that way?! Is it my years of experience working with children? My instinctual knowledge about children? Is it in my genes? Is there a mothering gene that is more dominant in some people? Was it my deep longing to be a mother? Was it my planned and very much wanted pregnancy? I can understand how this differs for a woman who didn't ever want children and ends up with an unwanted pregnancy. Maybe she was a career woman who worked her whole life to be someone important. And now she has to raise a child so she puts them in daycare and hires a night nanny because she needs to be well rested for work and she dreams of escaping to exotic child-free places. I don't know. I don't understand it, but I find I'm in the minority.

I'm certainly not saying it's all rainbows and perfection. I have my tough moments. The days that are so difficult that I can't wait for bedtime so we can start over and make tomorrow better. When we have a not awesome time/day I don't crumble into self-doubt and fear I've ruined her for life. Not at all. In the hardest moments I'm teaching her amazing lessons in how to persevere during difficult times. I get frustrated, I raise my voice. I've made her cry. But these are rare occurrences, and we get through them together with more tools on how to handle it better next time. I don't send her to her room. I snuggle her close and explain how I'm feeling. I apologize. We discuss ways to make it better. And throughout it all I never lose the feeling of the fierce love I feel for my daughter. I remember when she was just a few months old, wondering how other parents could possibly love their children as much as we loved Makena. Marveling that all over the world at the exact same time parents were gazing at their sleeping child and feeling their hearts swell with that unconditional love.

I don't think parents who want to be away from their children don't *love* them, but I do question the ways in which their love is different from mine. When I love something I tend to want it all the time. I love Cinnabons and I would happily eat one daily! Maybe that's a bad example, because surely I'd get sick of them (and probably literally sick) after a while. When Pam and I were falling in love we wanted to be together constantly. I didn't decide I wanted to go to the movies with someone else. She was my priority. I didn't want to do anything unless I was with her. At work we spent the day chatting online for hours. Meeting for lunch. Then back to chatting. It was mutually assumed we'd spend the evening and weekends together. We just belonged together. I think if you've been in love you can relate to that feeling where you can't get enough of each others company.

But I know there are people who have a different personality, and they crave alone time. They might be falling in love but still need to spend some time alone. I get that, we're all different people with different needs.

So why is it so hard for me to comprehend when parents feel that way about their children? Is it because my love for Makena is unlike anything I've ever felt? (And I seriously do really love Cinnabons.) I think part of the difference is if it's adults then they probably both feel the same way. They probably both enjoy time to themselves, and it works out great. But a child wants to be with their parents. And if they don't, it's because they've formed that critical attachment with someone else. And that would break my heart.

I get asked often if since my parents live nearby do they babysit Makena for us all the time. How nice it must be that we can drop her off at her grandparents for the weekend and get away! I'm met with shock when I explain that no, we try hard not to ever need anyone to babysit. No, we've never left her overnight. We just don't even want to! What good would that do, to spend a night away? We've considered the unlikely scenario of "what if we won an all expenses paid vacation for two and couldn't bring her with us?!" And honestly I'd have to pass. I'd worry the whole time, not enjoy it. And even if I did enjoy it I'd worry that if tragedy were to strike I'd never ever forgive myself. What would that say to Makena if she grew up knowing her parents died in a plane crash while they wanted to take a trip to get away from her?? What if we had to live with the fact that we chose to go against our guts and something happened to Makena while we were away?

How does a parent live after that? The slight possibility is enough to scare me away from taking the risk. It just isn't worth that free vacation. A week of happiness and a lifetime of regret. No, I just can't imagine and I don't want to put myself in that situation. I am well aware that tragedy can strike anywhere, anytime. Every time Pam leaves for work I know the possibility is there that she might not come home. On the instances when we leave Makena at home we try to set it up so at least she's safe at home, not out driving with someone or at a busy public place. But we live in earthquake land, and we could return home to disaster. I know these things are unlikely. I understand how probability works. But I also believe in intuition and listening to my gut.

It just feels wrong to be apart from Makena. I don't find joy in it, at all. She's 3 and a half, she's still so little! I'm not talking about a 16 year old who wants to go to the mall with friends. I'm talking about a child who wants to be with me as much as possible. And I'm so so SO happy that I want to be with her too. How lucky is she to have TWO moms who are so equally focused on being as present as possible?! Our life would be very difficult if Pam was constantly begging me for a weekend away, for a kid-free dinner date. Thank god we are on the same page!

How lucky is Makena to have a mom who comes home from work and rushes in the door to take her to the park to play? A mom who calls when she has to miss bedtime because she's in a night class? A mom who hates going to work when she sees me struggling after a rough night of sleep and dealing with a cranky child? Many parents take that opportunity to escape, and are relieved to not be dealing with the tough moments. But Pam and I are a team, and we share parenting duties as equal as possible. And that means Pam is here as much as she can be. Sometimes that means turning down desperately needed money/work shifts in favor of spending the day with us. What are we teaching Makena with that? In our family, family means more than money. As hard as it is to scrape by living paycheck to paycheck, I'm SO thankful that the biggest takeaway from Makena's childhood will be that we value time together more than anything else. More than money, more than her parents getting "me" time. We value our lives together as a family unit. We put Makena and her needs first, because she is the heart of our family.

There's simply no way possible we'd ever regret that.