I lay awake at night

Often, about 95% of the time, right before drifting off to sleep my brain fills with scary awful what-ifs. (What if there was an earth quake right now and the building collapsed?!) I allow a moment or so to process, then quickly squelch these bad thoughts and focus on positives.

Like how much I love my children and how I so very desprately want them to always know that, especially if I dont get the pleasure of watching them grow up. It's very terrifying to think of losing them, and almost equally as horrifying to imagine them losing me. Would they remember me? Would they know about this blog? Would it comfort them? Oh how I hope so. My heart aches when I reflect upon my life and how grateful and lucky I am and the fact that there are mothers and children all over who have had to say goodbye way too soon.

Some nights I lay awake thinking of all the things I want to write down just in case. If I knew I had only a short time left I would love to write letters to both girls for them to open throughout their lives. Notes about life, friendships, love, marraige, lessons, tips, reminders. Or make videos of me talking to them, readimg stories, singing their favorite songs. Anything tangible to bring them peace. But I usually convince myself to go to bed, everything is fine. It's just that I dont want the "it'll never happen to me" attitude. Life, it's unpredictable. I don't want to regret not leaving them anything so personal and thoughtful. I don't want them to forget me. Please let them always know how much I wanted and loved them.

It is so amazing to love so fiercely, and to have pieces of my heart beating in two beautiful little girls, but it can also be so painful to admit it can all be lost. My love, my hopes and dreams for my children. My gratitude. All my cups are overflowing. I want my legacy to be that I loved deeply and never for one second took any of my gift of motherhood for granted. Oh my heart,   my heart, my heart. Every beat is a reminder. Love, love, love. Joy, joy, joy. I am forever and always blessed and beyond thankful for the most valuable riches in the universe.