I usually think about how I wish I could slow down time. I love Makena so much as she is right now, and I know I'll always love her but right now, in her sweet silly loving way, I feel like I'm at the most intense loving stage. I know that doesn't make sense. Basically, she's just so incredibly awesome nowadays. And a lot of the time I get worried about those awful "what ifs" that the future holds, so I just want to keep her as she is right now. Safe and with me almost 24/7. Some day she'll spend large parts of the day away from me, and while that's okay, it also terrifies me. Nothing in the world would be worse than something happening to her, except something happening while I'm not with her. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself.
So sometimes, when I feel worried that she's growing up, I make myself remember that as she gets older the dangers change. Maybe her running into the street or drowning or being kidnapped isn't as much as a threat when she's a 15 year old. There will be other things to worry about- her getting into cars with other drivers, sleepovers and possible natural disasters happening while I'm not with her.
And I need to tell myself that life is scary, and fragile, and for too many people their worst nightmares come true. So many things can go wrong with all the bad in this world. I feel this very real sense that something tragic is waiting in the distance somewhere, and it freaks me out. Then again, I felt that for most of my pregnancy and that turned out just fine! I believe in positive thinking, and manfesting good things by good thoughts. But all becomes so very overwhelming when I imagine the possibilities.
Life is also so precious and wonderful and there is so much good. I know that there has to be rain in order for rainbows, so I don't mind the small setbacks. I just fear the storms that are insurmountable.
So. I find myself not sure what to think. Yes, I am sad that she's growing up and a little further away from the safety of my arms. But she's moving towards being more self dependant, where I won't be riddled with worry any time she's not by my side. I know I'll always worry about her, but my worrying will shift to new fears.
And for now I get to enjoy the closeness we share and her amazingness at this almost 3 years old age, and try not to think about anything other than focusing on all the great parts of right now. At this moment she is asleep next to me. She's on her crib mattress, but her left leg, right arm, and top of her head are on my mattress. Her hand is a few inches from my arm. She just let out a soft content sleepy sign. Most nights I make sure to take a few minutes to connect with her sleeping self, I'll hold her hand or kiss her forehead. Some day I'll ache for this closeness.
So sometimes, when I feel worried that she's growing up, I make myself remember that as she gets older the dangers change. Maybe her running into the street or drowning or being kidnapped isn't as much as a threat when she's a 15 year old. There will be other things to worry about- her getting into cars with other drivers, sleepovers and possible natural disasters happening while I'm not with her.
And I need to tell myself that life is scary, and fragile, and for too many people their worst nightmares come true. So many things can go wrong with all the bad in this world. I feel this very real sense that something tragic is waiting in the distance somewhere, and it freaks me out. Then again, I felt that for most of my pregnancy and that turned out just fine! I believe in positive thinking, and manfesting good things by good thoughts. But all becomes so very overwhelming when I imagine the possibilities.
Life is also so precious and wonderful and there is so much good. I know that there has to be rain in order for rainbows, so I don't mind the small setbacks. I just fear the storms that are insurmountable.
So. I find myself not sure what to think. Yes, I am sad that she's growing up and a little further away from the safety of my arms. But she's moving towards being more self dependant, where I won't be riddled with worry any time she's not by my side. I know I'll always worry about her, but my worrying will shift to new fears.
And for now I get to enjoy the closeness we share and her amazingness at this almost 3 years old age, and try not to think about anything other than focusing on all the great parts of right now. At this moment she is asleep next to me. She's on her crib mattress, but her left leg, right arm, and top of her head are on my mattress. Her hand is a few inches from my arm. She just let out a soft content sleepy sign. Most nights I make sure to take a few minutes to connect with her sleeping self, I'll hold her hand or kiss her forehead. Some day I'll ache for this closeness.
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