I've noticed something. I think I've finally stopped being paranoid every time Makena sleeps. For the first 2 months or so of her life I checked on her compulsively to make sure she was okay. I had horrible thoughts of SIDS. Sometimes all I could picture in my mind was my baby laying cold and alone and not breathing. :( Even in the early weeks when she was sleeping in my arms I'd look down and watch her chest move with each breath. During the night I'd wake up all the time just to check on her. I talked with lots of other new mommies about this and found it's pretty common, and that the intense fear will gradually fade with time. It won't ever go away, but it won't be so consuming.
Last night I woke up at one point for no reason, and I quickly turned over to stare at Makena's chest. I couldn't see it rising and falling in the dark room, so I turned on the nightlight next to the bed. I still couldn't tell if she was breathing, she wasn't making a sound. I leaned in and put my ear up to her nose and still couldn't tell for sure. So I felt her cheek, and it was cold and my heart skipped a beat. I poked at her side and she didn't move. I was a fraction of a second away from sheer panic when I placed my hand on her chest and shook her a little. She let out a huge sigh and turned her head to the other side.
And I could breathe again. I'm sure it was only about 10 seconds, but during those 10 seconds I realized a few things-
1. I can not function if she is not okay.
2. She is okay. She's sleeping like... well, like a baby!
3. I can't remember the last time I woke up to check on her like that.
It's kinda a milestone that nobody mentions. One day you won't be so crippled with fear that your baby has stopped breathing while they are sleeping. I don't know when that day was, but I must have passed it without even noticing. Of course I still worry, I was a worrier before having a baby and I've just been catapulted into a whole new league of worrying. But this one issue has gotten better. I now trust that my baby can fall asleep and then she'll wake up. Seems obvious, but until you have a newborn I don't think you can fully understand what I mean.
Monday, April 5, 2010
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I'm not sure when I noticed it, either, but eventually it did go away for us. Me, anyway. Especially when she's in bed with us. Though now that we're occasionally putting her in her crib (in HER room), the paranoia is back and I don't sleep for crap (when I manage to sleep) when she's there, and get up several times to check on her. I suppose that fear will die down, too...
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Thank you so much for posting this blog. I am still very much in the stage of checking all the time whether my son is breathing. He will be a month old on Tuesday and I often wonder when the obsessiveness will fade. I sure would like to get some sleep. :)
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