March catch up!

In early March I had a cold, and parenting while sick is never fun. Hadley started sleeping nice long stretches and I was able to put her down and she stayed asleep! Makena rarely ever allowed such a thing, which is why I spent every nap laying with her or holding her. So it's beyond awesome to have a baby that sleeps on her own so well!

Here is Hadley wearing the sweater and hat that my sister made for her-

And here she is smiling in her new (borrowed) car seat! She had been crying SO MUCH in her infant bucket seat, and I was hopeful that moving her to a convertible seat would be more comfortable and enjoyable. It worked like a charm. Plus I bought a little travel sound machine that plays white noise, which she really seems to like. Now she will often fall asleep in the car, or just be quiet and content. Again, something Makena rarely ever did!! I think it helps that big sister is back there with her. We often look in the back and see Hadley just smiling away while watching Makena sing.

We walk to Panera sometimes for breakfast or lunch. For breakfast Makena likes a bagel and cream cheese and orange juice. (And one of their awesome delicious iced shortbread cookies!) For lunch she likes the grilled cheese kids meal with an apple. (And a cookie. I always let her get the cookie because we share it and I always want it too!) Here's Makena and her friend Lyra playing after lunch.

 
Makena called me over to take a photo of her.  "Mommy take a picture so I'll never forget how proud I am that I can do this! Can you keep this photo so I can look at it and remember how brave I am next time I get scared?"

Makena and her friend Lyra. What could possibly go wrong?

One of Hadley's favorite toys is this banana teether my mom bought her.

A few minutes after this photo was taken, Makena was off scootering around and Hadley and I were sitting here when suddenly the sprinklers came on and soaked us!

Makena was sick and missed the St Patrick's Day festivities at preschool, but she was invited to join in with the other class the next day. Grandmo came with us, and they had so much fun together

I signed Makena up to participate in a kids fun run, a short little race to raise money to send to an orphanage in Zimbabwe. She was excited about it and I was so glad that she did it! I wondered if she would get too nervous and cry and decide not to try. But she ran the whole 220 yards in 1 minute and 21 seconds! Of course I cried as I cheered her on and watched as she smiled and ran past me to the finish line.

Towards the end of March Hadley got a little cold that turned into a cough that made her lose her voice. It was so sad, she couldn't make any noise for 2 days. She'd so this pitiful silent cry, and I felt just awful if I didn't notice her when she woke up from a nap since she wasn't making a sound, but was crying! Then her voice was hoarse for a few days. Poor baby. She had diarrhea for several days and got a very red diaper rash from pooping 6+ times a day.  We took her to visit a pediatrician for the first time when she was 1 day shy of being exactly 4 months old. She weighed in at 15 lbs 9 oz, and 26 inches.

Bath time always makes her smile!

I'm always trying to find ways to reconnect with Makena and remind her of how special she is to me. I served her toast that I cut out with the Mickey cookie cutter, and she wrote me a note.

We are really struggling lately, this morning I put the baby down and asked Makena to come hug me and she squealed "YAY MOMMY TIME!!" It makes me sad that just a quick hug is exciting to her now.  Yesterday we spent an hour at Target just she and I, when Pam got home, since the day was so tough. It was lovely. The second we got home she was having a tough time again. Lots of shouting at me lately and crying and bad attitude. It's hard, and I know she is just so looking forward to having her bed ready, but we have so much furniture rearranging to do first.

On the last day of March I saw that Hadley was sitting by herself! A bit supported here by leaning and holding onto her activity mat, but still! 4 months old and sitting!

Things I love about Hadley

She has a very long single eyelash above her right eye.

The way she scrunches up her face and her whole body wiggles while smiling.

How she smiles all the time, usually the second she makes eye contact with someone, much to their (and her!) delight.

All the spit bubbles.

The no nonsense nursing she does. Makena nursed for loooong stretches of time, for nutrition and for comfort. If she was fussy nursing would fix it. Anytime I offered, she'd happily nurse. Hadley won't nurse unless she's hungry. If she doesn't want to nurse she gets mad like, "GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE I'M NOT HUNGRY!" While that was strange to get used to, now at 3 months into it I can appreciate her efficiency.

The way she sucks on her fingers, slurping and gnawing on them.

How predictably tired she is. I read about the 90 minute sleep schedule, and sure enough about 1.5 hours after waking up she's ready for sleep again!

When I wear her in a baby carrier she usually falls asleep the second I start walking around.

The way she looks at Makena. I thought nobody else would ever look at Makena with as much love and adoration as Pam and I, but Hadley already is a huge fan of her big sister!

February catch up!

Oh boy, I've fallen so terribly behind on blogging. I just downloaded so many photos and I'm going to try to carve out time over the next few days to work on catching up!! I keep getting these intense urges to update the blog, it's like I can't escape the fear that something will happen to me before I've had the chance to get all these memories recorded, but then the time to sit and focus on such a tedious task never happens.

So, going back to February...

On Tuesday mornings we got the babies together and it was so much fun. I took this photo and laughed that I should put Hadley in the background, not in the front where she just looks even more enormous compared to baby A and baby K!

We all tried out 2 free trial Stroller Strides classes, and I really enjoyed it! I wish I could've signed up but it's just too expensive and the schedule doesn't work anyways. But the instructor and the other gals were so friendly.

 I snapped this photo of Makena and Hadley wearing their big and little sister shirts, and it came out so cute. I love how they look at each other with such adoration!

Hadley was in a huge spit bubble blowing phase.

My little valentines!
Makena made Hadley a Valentine and attached it to a rattle. Then she gave it to her and said, "Here you go! This is for you baby sister, because your heart makes me rattle!"

Makena is busy working on valentines for her preschool class. She made one specifically for Natalia and said it's more special since she doesn't go to her school anymore, and then she picked up a sticker of Mickey and Minnie together and said "How about this one for Ethan, since it's a boy and girl being friends."

Wearing another matching shirt set!

This face! Those eyes and ears and cheeks! This was on 2/17, and Hadley was just starting the "I want to stand up all the time!" routine. Not even 3 months old yet!! I started to think she might just be a handful one day. One day soon probably, if she keeps this up!

Makena asked to wear Hadley in the Ergo carrier, so I let her just for this photo. She loved it! This was also Hadley's 12 week old mark. Time to start counting in months, sigh! Those 12 weeks went by so fast. I was trying so hard to savor all her newborn goodness, but already I've forgotten so much. on 2/21 she rolled from her back to her belly while Pam, Makena, and I all watched and cheered her on.

Another baby get together day! Makena kept waiting for them to all be awake at the same time, she loved being on the floor with them. She's so eager for them to play with her!

"Can I take a photo with her and with my finger in her mouth if I go wash my hands first?"

More spit bubbles, and loving looking at her reflection! This was also around the time she started grabbing things, and the whole month was full with some very rough evenings with me trying to get both kids to sleep while Pam was either working late or at a night class. Also the car was a huge struggle, with Hadley screaming and crying while we drove to preschool. Some mornings we were in the car for an hour, what with driving to Cupertino to bring Pam to work, then heading to Palo Alto. Poor baby. It was very hard on all of us. :(

Such a huge relief when they are finally both asleep!! I love my babies so very much.

I asked Makena to help me find something that starts with the letter C. She said she would draw me a cat. And then she wrote the word cat completely by her 4 year old self!!

I love taking these photos of Hadley in the same place/outfit as baby Makena! 

One day in February we arrived at preschool right as Hadley fell asleep. She'd been crying in the car for a very long time, and I really didn't want to get her out of the car (aka, wake her up) to go sign in Makena. Thankfully a teacher was there by the gate and offered to sign her in for me. I stood by the front of the still running car, said a quick goodbye and gave a hug to Makena, and then left. It was the first time I'd done such a quick drop off, and I was relieved that Makena was okay with it. I think she knew how difficult the morning had been going and was just glad to be out of the car with the crying baby, and she thankfully threw me a bone by not breaking down and needing me to walk her in to school. I drove away just to keep the car moving even though I wanted to run into the room and hug her. I'm so glad she finally got comfortable enough to not only be just okay, but really thrive and enjoy her time at school even without me being there. It's been a hard transition for both of us, but I feel really good about it and I'm so proud of the huge growth she's made in becoming a bit more independent.

Anyways, when Hadley woke up 30 minutes later we parked by Blossom and walked to Starbucks, then I went to volunteer with sorting donations at Blossom. And that's all I have for February! Oh also, for my mom's birthday we made her a very cute picture with both Makena's and Hadley's hand prints as each of the chickens. It was fun, and came out so nice! :)

These days

A few days after Christmas we asked if Makena wanted to feed Hadley a bottle. I had pumped a few times and had milk in the freezer, so I got 3 oz ready. Makena was so excited, she just beamed the whole time!

There are a couple nights a week that Pam is out late, either at her night class or working a late shift. It's hard not having her here for dinner and bedtime and the craziness of that dreaded witching hour! The hours between 5-8 are really frustrating for me, Hadley gets fussy and needs to be held and I need to get dinner going and Makena ready for bed. Last week I couldn't put Hadley down without her crying, but it was time for Makena to go to sleep. So I had Makena lay in my bed and I walked around and bounced Hadley while checking in on Makena. She had never fallen asleep in bed without either Pam or I laying next to her, and she kept crying and saying it was too hard and that she couldn't do it. Eventually she did though. I was equally relieved and saddened. We're still playing a bit of musical beds, so far I'm not sure what sleeping configuration works best. Thankfully Hadley sleeps well next to me in bed and only wakes once, sometimes twice, to nurse for a few minutes then falls back asleep. Occasionally she won't and I'll try for about an hour or so before giving up. I feel bad waking Pam up at 4 am, when she has work in the morning, but I seriously can't function on little sleep.

In very VERY exciting news, my friends since grade school had their babies! Baby A was born on Christmas day, and baby K was born on New Years Day! It cracks me up that we have this trio of holiday babies. (Since Hadley's birthday will fall on Thanksgiving some years.)

There's actually a very cute back-story here. I knew that A was hoping to get pregnant with her first baby, and that E was hoping for her second baby. And they knew that I was hoping to get pregnant as well. But these things can take a while. We'd gone out to dinner and checked in with each other but nobody was pregnant yet. When A had invited us out I was secretly hoping she'd be announcing good news, but nope, it was just a dinner with friends! Then a few months later I got pregnant. I was really nervous to tell them because for one, I was really nervous about telling ANY body since I got pregnant on the first try and couldn't quite believe my luck. Those early weeks were spent in such total disbelief. I wanted to reach that "safe" 12 week mark and get heartbeat confirmation before spreading the news.

When we planned our trip to Seattle to visit Pam's family over Mother's Day, I knew that I'd be 12 weeks pregnant then and wanted to announce to everyone. So I scheduled my ultrasound appointment right before the trip. But I wanted to make sure and let A and E know before going facebook official. I was so worried they would be sad. I know how heartbreaking it is to be so desperate to see those two pink lines and then hear that everyone around you is pregnant while you wait for your chance. Of course I knew they'd be happy for us, but I also knew that it might hurt to find out that I was pregnant so easily when out of all of us it should (statistically at least) be me that struggled the most!

I was seriously stressed out about breaking the news to them. I asked Pam to help me. She said to just invite everyone to dinner, so I sent a text and we made plans. On the drive to the restaurant I was a wreck and I was considering not even telling them. I try to be sensitive to others regarding pregnancy and trying to conceive, and I really worried that I'd say I was pregnant and see their faces fall with pangs of envy in between congratulating me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it makes perfect sense if you've experienced the desperate feeling of wanting to be pregnant and paranoid that it might never happen.

When we pulled up to the restaurant I said we should wait and gauge how the evening goes and asked Pam to tell them when the timing seemed right. We said hello to everyone and sat down and ordered. I was on pins and needles wondering how to say it. And then A raised her glass for a toast. I thought, "huh, that's interesting... is she going to say she's pregnant??" And she did! She said she was due on 1/1/14! I said congrats and quickly did the math and said that our babies will be just 6 weeks apart! Across the table E said "No way, I'm pregnant too!!" She was due 1/8/14!

We were all pregnant at the same freaking time!!!! It was so beyond awesome! In late November we took some fun photos together, with all our pregnant bellies.

Then after Hadley was born we took another.

And then before we knew it, baby A was born 2 weeks early, and baby K was born on her due date! So now Hadley has little friends who are only 4 and 5 weeks younger than her! I'm so thrilled, when Makena was born she had one baby friend who was like 8 weeks older than her. Even more exciting is that A lives just a few doors away in our apartment complex, yay! I can't wait to see these babies grow up and play together. We've been trying to get together once a week for our own little mommy group. :)

Okay, back to my kids!
Some of my fondest early memories with baby Makena were the countless hours I spent holding her while she slept. She hated to be put down and I usually had nothing else to do so I (mostly) didn't mind being stuck on the couch all day. And while Hadley loves to be held too, sometimes we can put her down and that's great because now I have an older kid who needs help/attention/love! As much as I appreciate the times I can successfully lay Hadley down in her bouncer or the swing or the bed, I really love holding a sleeping baby.

Makena tried ice skating for the first time at a friend's birthday party. Pam and I were both wondering how she'd deal with how hard it is. She gets so easily frustrated when she can't do something exactly right. I was worried that she'd realize how difficult skating would be and not want to be helped. But she had a blast and she and Pam had fun together while I wore Hadley in the Ergo and ate and watched them.

Makena loves to touch and lay next to Hadley. If I put the baby down Makena wants to lay with her. If prop her up on the couch next to me Makena wants to come sit too. She asks to hold her often and helps me get diapers and puts Hadley's pacifier in her mouth if she's crying in the car. I knew she'd be a helpful doting big sister, and it's so awesome to watch them develop a relationship. Hadley just adores watching Makena, she keeps her eyes on her as much as she can!

Hadley is 8 weeks old now. We are having such a fun time with her! The last week or so has been tougher than normal, she is needing to be held constantly when sleeping and it's been harder for her to fall asleep. But she also has lots of periods of being happy and content to just chill out. One day we decided to dress her up in a bunch of Build-a-Bear outfits and other little costumes.

I love all those funny faces! She's so cute and smiley. I knew a laugh was going to come soon because sometimes she smiles so big! On the 23rd I sat her on the recliner and was making funny noises at her and she was smiling and I was taking photos, and then she started giggling! :) Whenever we take photos of her, Makena wants to get in the photos too.

Makena has had to play a lot more by herself lately, because I'm often busy. Usually she complains a lot and whines for me to play with her, but sometimes she gets absorbed into playing by herself. She's almost always talking out loud though, and the other day I heard her concocting this elaborate story about a zoo and all the animals she had and there were fire bites and she had to rescue every animal. Then she asked for paper and started drawing this parrot and asked for my help with a sign. I helped her sound out the words and she wrote the letters. She spelled the word "is" all by herself.

Makena is hanging up this "Sorry our parrot is dying" sign so that "when everybody people come to the zoo they will know that our parrot is dying from a fire bite from a candle on a spoon that fell. When I was a zookeeper a long time ago he got a gold 1st place ribbon but now he died. It was Christmas and I opened the door and felt something small and fuzzy and it was the dead parrot. I called the veterinarian to come fast."

Makena requested a rainbow unicorn theme for her birthday party. I wanted to go all like her last three parties, but it snuck up on me. Normally I like to make personalized invitations and spend lots of time planning and prepping. But this year I was busy with a newborn and then the holidays came out of nowhere and then before we knew it, it was mid January and we hadn't gotten any party stuff ready! We quickly booked a time slot at her preschool and sent out an evite. I asked Makena which friends from school she wanted to invite, and that was fun to see who she selected. She picked 4 friends from her class and we were so happy they all came! The party was scheduled for Sunday the 19th, and we had to wait until Pam got paid on Friday before buying anything. Then we spent all day Saturday gathering party supplies. Makena wanted a rainbow unicorn pinata but we found this rainbow #4 and she loved it. I was hoping she wouldn't want a pinata, they cost money to buy AND you have to fill them with either a bunch of junky candy or junky plastic toys. We decided on mini containers of play-doh, bouncy balls, rainbow erasers, glow in the dark stars to stick on ceilings, rainbow smiley face stickers, Dum-dum lollipops, and chocolate Sixlets. My mom added plastic musical horns and jeweled rings.

My mom also brought over egg salad sandwiches. Pam and Makena went to the grocery store for fruits and veggies in rainbow colors.

I made Makena a fantastic rainbow pinata cake following a tutorial I found online. The inside was filled with candy!

Pam drew a unicorn and I made some horns for an easy pin the horn on the unicorn game! We decorated her school playground with lots of rainbow streamers and balloons.

We also did tie-dye which was really fun, and I put out a little stained glass (but it was plastic) craft kit. I think the party was great. Makena got some really great cute gifts too! The next morning was her actual birthday, and when she woke up I said happy birthday and then Pam brought in a cupcake and we sang to her. 

Then Pam made rainbow pancakes!!

We went to lunch at The Counter with our Fresno friends. Those rosemary parmesan fries are really the best!

Then we took some family photos in the park.

At her preschool they have this adorable tradition of letting the birthday child hold a globe and walk around a "sun" how every many times equals how old they are. So Makena got to walk around it 4 times as we celebrated her 4 years on Earth circling the Sun! She was so excited.

She and I made mini banana bread muffins and passed them out at snack time. :) I can't believe she is actually 4 years old.

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The following was originally posted on Momastery, then published at Huffington Post Parents. It is so perfectly written and I wanted to save it here:

"When I was a mama of three very tiny, very messy, very beautiful rug rats, we had DAYS THAT WENT ON FOR LIFETIMES. Craig left at 6:00 a.m. every morning and as I watched his showered, ironed self leave the house I felt incredibly blessed and thrilled to have so much time alone with my babies and incredibly terrified and bitter to have so much time alone with my babies. If you don't believe that all of those feelings can exist at once -- well, you've never been a parent to many tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats.

When Craig returned each day at 6:00 p.m. (he actually returned at 5:50 but took a STUNNINGLY LONG TIME TO GET THE MAIL) he'd walk through the door, smile and say -- "So! How was your day?"

This question was like a spotlight pointed directly at the chasm between his experience of a "DAY" and my experience of a "DAY." How was my day?

The question would linger in the air for a moment while I stared at Craig and the baby shoved her hand in my mouth like they do -- while the oldest screamed MOMMY I NEED HELP POOING from the bathroom and the middle one cried in the corner because I NEVER EVER EVER let her drink the dishwasher detergent. NOT EVER EVEN ONCE, MOMMY!!! And I'd look down at my spaghetti-stained pajama top, unwashed hair, and gorgeous baby on my hip -- and my eyes would wander around the room, pausing to notice the toys peppering the floor and the kids' stunning new art on the fridge...

And I'd want to say:

How was my day? Today has been a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times. There were moments when my heart was so full I thought I might explode, and there were other moments when my senses were under such intense assault that I was CERTAIN I'd explode. I was both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone. I was saturated -- just BOMBARDED with touch and then the second I put down this baby Iyearned to smell her sweet skin again. I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed with so much to do. Today was too much and not enough. It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. I was at my very best today and then, just a moment later, at my very worst. At 3:30 today I decided that we should adopt four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided that we should give up the kids we already have for adoption. Husband -- when your day is completely and totally dependent upon the moods and needs and schedules of tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats your day is ALL OF THE THINGS and NONE OF THE THINGS, sometimes within the same three minute period. But I'm not complaining. This is not a complaint, so don't try to FIX IT. I wouldn't have my day Any.Other.Way. I'm just saying -- it's a hell of a hard thing to explain -- an entire day with lots of babies.

But I'd be too tired to say all of that. So I'd just cry, or yell, or smile and say "fine," and then hand the baby over and run to Target to wander aisles aimlessly, because that's all I ever really wanted. But I'd be a little sad because love is about really being seen and known and I wasn't being seen or known then. Everything was really hard to explain. It made me lonely."

Four.

I carried Makena into the bedroom, and during those few steps I felt the weight of her 4 years.

She isn't a baby anymore, and it's only made more obvious now that I have a younger baby. But when I carried Makena just now I felt more than her 40 pounds. I felt the first time I held my first born baby in my arms. I felt a chubby toddler who squirmed to be put down and then turned around and begged to be picked up.

I felt her burrowing into my chest when she was hurt, I felt her hot body when she was sick with fevers. I felt her body go limp and turn blue in my arms when she lost consciousness from a febrile seizure. I felt my heart swell with pride, ache with sadness, and sing with joy. I felt an entire lifetime- her entire lifetime.

And then as I laid her down on the bed and watched her body curl into the fetal position I remembered feeling her move inside before she was born. My little dream come true baby.

And now she's here, and she's been here for four years. Four wonderful, hard, exhausting and exhilarating years. Four incredibly long and fleetingly short years. The time flies, I feel like just yesterday we were dressing her up in this dress we bought the day we found out we were having a girl.

I love her so. These have been the best years of my life! I am so excited to watch her grow even more.