Four.

I carried Makena into the bedroom, and during those few steps I felt the weight of her 4 years.

She isn't a baby anymore, and it's only made more obvious now that I have a younger baby. But when I carried Makena just now I felt more than her 40 pounds. I felt the first time I held my first born baby in my arms. I felt a chubby toddler who squirmed to be put down and then turned around and begged to be picked up.

I felt her burrowing into my chest when she was hurt, I felt her hot body when she was sick with fevers. I felt her body go limp and turn blue in my arms when she lost consciousness from a febrile seizure. I felt my heart swell with pride, ache with sadness, and sing with joy. I felt an entire lifetime- her entire lifetime.

And then as I laid her down on the bed and watched her body curl into the fetal position I remembered feeling her move inside before she was born. My little dream come true baby.

And now she's here, and she's been here for four years. Four wonderful, hard, exhausting and exhilarating years. Four incredibly long and fleetingly short years. The time flies, I feel like just yesterday we were dressing her up in this dress we bought the day we found out we were having a girl.

I love her so. These have been the best years of my life! I am so excited to watch her grow even more.