I've been thinking a lot about attachment parenting, and our parenting style. Pam and I come from different backgrounds, but before we ever had a child we always talked about how we'd parent. There were examples of different parenting moments everywhere we went. We'd chat about a situation we noticed while driving home. We felt confident we were on the same page about the big issues, and even the little issues! I didn't really know the term attachment parenting, and I didn't set out to follow it, but it's what came naturally. It's the natural way of parenting and shouldn't even need a term. It was so helpful for me to see that the things we did in those early months were normal and natural, even if co-sleeping and nursing your baby to sleep and rocking them endlessly so they don't cry isn't the normal way of our society. In some cases not only is society wrong, but it gives horrible advice and makes things worse.
It's hard to go against the grain sometimes. When something isn't mainstream some people resist it. I never really thought about that too much though before Makena was born. I knew I wanted to have a natural birth and breastfeed and cloth diaper. I wanted to make her own baby food and skip the rice cereal. It takes very little research to see the benefits of those things.
Of course, once you actually have a child nothing is as it seems. Things I felt strongly about (No pacifiers! No tv!) quickly went out the window when I realized that wasn't going to work for our situation. I never wanted to be a permissive parent, someone who let my kids walk over me and rule the house. I didn't want to resort to bribes. I didn't want to go back on my word and let my kids learn to manipulate me. I didn't want them to scream bloody murder just so I'd hand over a candy bar in the grocery store. Pam and I agreed we'd leave the restaurant (or whatever the public place was) before Makena made a scene and disturbed the peace, and I'm happy to say we've never had to really do that. Sure there have been times where Makena has gotten antsy at a restaurant and Pam will usually walk around with her outside for a bit until she's ready to sit.
I'm not sure if we're just blessed with an "easy" kid, or if we're just good parents in the way that we anticipate and react to her needs. We value her emotions, the good and the "bad." I have a baggie of fun little stuff that I keep in the diaper bag for when we're out, and I whip it out the second I notice Makena needing something to keep her busy. We interact with her the vast majority of the time, talking/coloring/playing along with her. We take into account her tiredness level, how hungry she is, what time it is, etc... to ensure we will all be in a good mood. There were a few months when she was about 12-16 months old, when she was tougher than usual to keep happy. Luckily that phase passed, and now she's a total joy to be around! Of course she has off days, so do I! But we get many comments on how pleasant and sweet she is, and it makes my heart swell. "I know, right?!" is what I want to exclaim, and, "It's because we're awesome parents and really in tune with her needs, and our family feeds off each others happiness!" But that's way too cheesy so we just smile and mumble, "Thanks, we think she's awesome too."
In all my years of working with kids I learned a lot of great tips and a lot of "what not to do." But then I had my own kid, and the lines got blurred. Once I popped that pacifier in Makena's mouth (at only 2 days old nonetheless!!!!) I thought perhaps I'd been wrong to make all those assumptions about what good parenting was. And then I think about the whole "if it works for your family, it's the right choice" thing. And I'm not sure I fully believe in that. One could argue that feeding highly processed crap food works for them, but really, does it?? Or is the kid getting the short end of the stick? What about spanking? I'm pretty sure it's the parents saying it works for them, and not the kids. So how do we differentiate between things that are really valid choices (things where either option is mostly equal and neither is detrimental) and "choices" that are based on something else entirely? Convenience, cost, going along with what others are doing, or just being uninformed are things I'm talking about. Someone picks the sunscreen that's the cheapest and slathers it on their baby. Someone is fooled into thinking the pancake syrup label that says "high fructose corn syrup free!" means it's healthy... and doesn't stop to read that the ingredients list corn syrup and sugar at the top.
And then people get offended, which is BEYOND my comprehension. I try to own up to my mistakes and shortcomings in all areas of my life. I'm far from perfect, but I'm aware. I know that sometimes Makena eats things that aren't healthy.
If someone were to call me out on that (adorable!) photo of her enjoying an ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins, the last thing I'd be is offended. Because I know, believe me. I know that it has corn syrup and artificial colors and a host of other crap ingredients in the ice cream, let alone in the chocolate coated cone. So why do I let her eat it? It's fun, that's why. It's a special sometimes treat, and she knows that. And because I enjoy it, I'm not gonna lie! If there was an all natural ice cream shop we'd happily go there, but we just so happen to have a Baskin Robbins across the street. Then again, if a McDonald's was across the street we certainly wouldn't be stopping in there, but I digress.
All I'm trying to say is that yeah, for some extent you should do what works for your family. But do it with mindfulness. Do it so that not only do you feel comfortable, but that your kid and the future adult they'll be feels comfortable with your decision. I know we can't guarantee that, but it's just an awareness thing.
Anyway. I started this entry with this story in mind, and went off on a few tangents. It takes me a few days to compose something because life is busy with an almost 2.5 year old and by the time I post it I've lost my train of thought a million times.
Makena is a clever kid. She's smart in ways that sneak up on me. Sometimes I don't even see the wheels turning in her head before it's too late. The other day we were leaving the grocery store and as we passed the row of quarter toy machines she asked for one. I told her I didn't have any quarters (truthfully!), and then I remembered that I needed to get quarters to do laundry. We turned around and I got $10 worth. Then we left the store again, and as we passed the toy machines Makena asked for a quarter.
I answered her the same way I had 3 minutes ago. "Sorry sweetie, I don't have any quarters." I realized the fib as it came out of my mouth. In that split second I wasn't sure whether to go along with it or admit that I DID have quarters but those toys are a waste of money and we needed to just go home.
But she solved the problem herself- "Yes do have, mommy. Do have quarters!"
See, she's smart. She deserved that toy. And let's face it, I love being able to make her happy, especially if it's a simple thing like that. Thankfully she's not the type who then demands it over and over. I'm happy that we've seem to have struck a great balance. Sometimes she gets demanding for the silliest reasons, but she's either exhausted and it's time for bed, or she's hungry. The 6pm hour, especially if she didn't nap, can be grueling.
Mostly though, she's all around amazingly awesome and we thank our lucky stars all day long!
It's hard to go against the grain sometimes. When something isn't mainstream some people resist it. I never really thought about that too much though before Makena was born. I knew I wanted to have a natural birth and breastfeed and cloth diaper. I wanted to make her own baby food and skip the rice cereal. It takes very little research to see the benefits of those things.
Of course, once you actually have a child nothing is as it seems. Things I felt strongly about (No pacifiers! No tv!) quickly went out the window when I realized that wasn't going to work for our situation. I never wanted to be a permissive parent, someone who let my kids walk over me and rule the house. I didn't want to resort to bribes. I didn't want to go back on my word and let my kids learn to manipulate me. I didn't want them to scream bloody murder just so I'd hand over a candy bar in the grocery store. Pam and I agreed we'd leave the restaurant (or whatever the public place was) before Makena made a scene and disturbed the peace, and I'm happy to say we've never had to really do that. Sure there have been times where Makena has gotten antsy at a restaurant and Pam will usually walk around with her outside for a bit until she's ready to sit.
I'm not sure if we're just blessed with an "easy" kid, or if we're just good parents in the way that we anticipate and react to her needs. We value her emotions, the good and the "bad." I have a baggie of fun little stuff that I keep in the diaper bag for when we're out, and I whip it out the second I notice Makena needing something to keep her busy. We interact with her the vast majority of the time, talking/coloring/playing along with her. We take into account her tiredness level, how hungry she is, what time it is, etc... to ensure we will all be in a good mood. There were a few months when she was about 12-16 months old, when she was tougher than usual to keep happy. Luckily that phase passed, and now she's a total joy to be around! Of course she has off days, so do I! But we get many comments on how pleasant and sweet she is, and it makes my heart swell. "I know, right?!" is what I want to exclaim, and, "It's because we're awesome parents and really in tune with her needs, and our family feeds off each others happiness!" But that's way too cheesy so we just smile and mumble, "Thanks, we think she's awesome too."
In all my years of working with kids I learned a lot of great tips and a lot of "what not to do." But then I had my own kid, and the lines got blurred. Once I popped that pacifier in Makena's mouth (at only 2 days old nonetheless!!!!) I thought perhaps I'd been wrong to make all those assumptions about what good parenting was. And then I think about the whole "if it works for your family, it's the right choice" thing. And I'm not sure I fully believe in that. One could argue that feeding highly processed crap food works for them, but really, does it?? Or is the kid getting the short end of the stick? What about spanking? I'm pretty sure it's the parents saying it works for them, and not the kids. So how do we differentiate between things that are really valid choices (things where either option is mostly equal and neither is detrimental) and "choices" that are based on something else entirely? Convenience, cost, going along with what others are doing, or just being uninformed are things I'm talking about. Someone picks the sunscreen that's the cheapest and slathers it on their baby. Someone is fooled into thinking the pancake syrup label that says "high fructose corn syrup free!" means it's healthy... and doesn't stop to read that the ingredients list corn syrup and sugar at the top.
And then people get offended, which is BEYOND my comprehension. I try to own up to my mistakes and shortcomings in all areas of my life. I'm far from perfect, but I'm aware. I know that sometimes Makena eats things that aren't healthy.
If someone were to call me out on that (adorable!) photo of her enjoying an ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins, the last thing I'd be is offended. Because I know, believe me. I know that it has corn syrup and artificial colors and a host of other crap ingredients in the ice cream, let alone in the chocolate coated cone. So why do I let her eat it? It's fun, that's why. It's a special sometimes treat, and she knows that. And because I enjoy it, I'm not gonna lie! If there was an all natural ice cream shop we'd happily go there, but we just so happen to have a Baskin Robbins across the street. Then again, if a McDonald's was across the street we certainly wouldn't be stopping in there, but I digress.
All I'm trying to say is that yeah, for some extent you should do what works for your family. But do it with mindfulness. Do it so that not only do you feel comfortable, but that your kid and the future adult they'll be feels comfortable with your decision. I know we can't guarantee that, but it's just an awareness thing.
Anyway. I started this entry with this story in mind, and went off on a few tangents. It takes me a few days to compose something because life is busy with an almost 2.5 year old and by the time I post it I've lost my train of thought a million times.
Makena is a clever kid. She's smart in ways that sneak up on me. Sometimes I don't even see the wheels turning in her head before it's too late. The other day we were leaving the grocery store and as we passed the row of quarter toy machines she asked for one. I told her I didn't have any quarters (truthfully!), and then I remembered that I needed to get quarters to do laundry. We turned around and I got $10 worth. Then we left the store again, and as we passed the toy machines Makena asked for a quarter.
I answered her the same way I had 3 minutes ago. "Sorry sweetie, I don't have any quarters." I realized the fib as it came out of my mouth. In that split second I wasn't sure whether to go along with it or admit that I DID have quarters but those toys are a waste of money and we needed to just go home.
But she solved the problem herself- "Yes do have, mommy. Do have quarters!"
See, she's smart. She deserved that toy. And let's face it, I love being able to make her happy, especially if it's a simple thing like that. Thankfully she's not the type who then demands it over and over. I'm happy that we've seem to have struck a great balance. Sometimes she gets demanding for the silliest reasons, but she's either exhausted and it's time for bed, or she's hungry. The 6pm hour, especially if she didn't nap, can be grueling.
Mostly though, she's all around amazingly awesome and we thank our lucky stars all day long!
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