Sad smiles

Last night Makena woke around 3am crying from a bad dream. She was saying "No! Don't go babysitting, stay!" and it absolutely broke my heart. Interesting how this is a kid who we rarely leave and she was plagued by that sadness in her dream. I know people say she needs to experience us being gone more so she can learn to be comfortable with it, and I could benefit from the same practice because it's uncomfortable for me to be away from her, too. But I just don't like that idea. I don't like to leave her. And if I don't have to, I'd rather not do something we both dislike.

Today Pam got off work early and I needed to run a few errands. (Side note- last time I told Makena we were going to run errands she started to cry when we were going home and asked when we were going to Erin's house. Oops!) I had to go to the bank, post office and to the next city over to check out a couch that was being offered for free. I figured Makena would stay home with Pam. She was still in her pj's and she's been really missing Mama a lot lately (she got home after 1am last night and Makena hates not seeing her after work. Then when we woke this morning Pam was already gone and Makena was crying about that. Very sad.)

So I thought they'd hang out while I was away. And I wanted to quickly get this stuff done. But Makena started to cry and say that she wanted to come with me. And why not? I always take her with me when we're out and about. I was having a hard time convincing her to stay behind because I might as well take her with me. I didn't really have a good reason for why she couldn't come. It wasn't even that I wanted time away. But Pam wanted her to stay, and it would be faster and easier for me to do it alone.

She kept hugging and holding on to me. I didn't want to leave. Then she seemed to be okay and I put my shoes on but she fell apart again and I fell apart and went into the bedroom to cry. I heard Pam comforting Makena and saying they could go to the park and have fun, and then she told her to go see Mommy in the bedroom and smile and say she's ready to say goodbye.

Makena came in, and gave me a smile. A little smile. A sad smile. A sad little forced smile because she was trying so hard to not cry. She was trying to be strong and brave and she climbed into my lap on the bed and said in a tiny wavering voice, "I'm happy now Mommy, see?"

And then she started to cry. And so I cried some more. And we snuggled and I told her that I don't like to leave her, and that I feel sad when we're apart. And I told her that she and Mama could have some fun together and I wouldn't be gone long anyways, maybe an hour. We both composed ourselves and then I grabbed my purse and she gave me a huge tight hug and we blew each other kisses and I left.

As I drove away I hoped that her last memory of me, if tragedy were to strike, would be the knowledge that I'm just as sad as she is when we're apart. I can be happy while away from her, and I know she can be too! But that doesn't mean we aren't thinking of each other and looking forward to being together again as soon as possible.

When I was coming home I passed her and Pam walking to the park. Makena was excited that she was riding her bike to the park, and happy that I pulled over and could give them the sand toys that were in the car. And instead of joining them at the park like I wanted to, I went home to the empty house and drank some lemonade and took a few deep breaths.

They came home an hour later and I got a big hug and stories of all the fun they had.

Baby steps.