All about sleep, or lack thereof.

(I think this post will explain why I have so many photos of Makena sleeping, like in the last post. It's such a wonderful event that I love taking photos of her when she's asleep! lol)

I'll start with the basic facts. Makena doesn't sleep well. She never really has. Well, by sleep I mean nap. She's great overnight, but her daytime sleep is tricky. As tiny newborn she didn't follow general sleep patterns of babies. She was bright eyed and alert from day one. Everyone used to comment on how aware of her surroundings she was, and she would gaze at faces/things and follow/track with her eyes at a very young age. Her hand/eye development and smiles and laughs all started before the milestones are typically reached. Makena literally smiled the day after we brought her home. We were sitting on the couch staring at our baby in amazement and Pam said "I'm your Mama" and she smiled, and it was real. People love to tell you it's just gas, but our baby was smiley and happy from the very beginning. She was often awake, and since she wasn't causing a fuss, we didn't think there was a problem!

Around her 5th week I remember thinking we were almost to 6 weeks, and everyone says the first 6 weeks with a newborn are the hardest. They cry, they are up all night, nobody sleeps. Most parents I know agree that those first weeks were the absolute worst. I asked Pam one day "What percentage of time do you think Makena cries?" And she confirmed what I was thinking- "Less than 1%."

Makena was content to just lay happily and take in the world around her. She didn't fuss, and was totally easy going. Diaper changes, water in her face from bathing, being cold fresh out of the bath, or wet from a full diaper...none of this made her cry. She did of course complain occasionally, but she was easy to soothe and distract. She slept when she was done nursing, or would just burrow her head in our necks and drift to sleep. Her first 2 weeks we slept with her laying on our chest, or curled up next to us on the couch.

I noticed very early on that she was awake more than what "they" say a baby normally is, and didn't seem to ever really fall into a natural schedule. So I started to keep track of her naps every month or so...

February 18th
9-12, 1:20-1:50, 4:45-5:15
March 20th
8:45-12, 1-2:10, 2:25-3, 5:20-7
April 22nd
10-10:30, 1:15-1:40 2:10-2:50, 3:50-4:10
May 20th
7:40-8, 9:30-9:40, 10:50-11:35, 1:30-4:15
June 1st
9:30-10, 1-1:10, 3:40-6:10
June 6th
10-10:30, 10:45-12:45, 3:20-3:50
July 21st
9-10, 12-1, 3:15-4
August 7th
10-10:45, 1:10-1:50, 4:15-4:45
September 7th
8:05-9:15, 1:05-3:05

And, those are days where she slept well enough for me to document it. Many days she barely naps at all, especially if I'm at work. Sometimes it would be a 7 hour work day and she'd be awake the entire time!! Nowadays, she's down to 2 naps about an hour each. She could use a 3rd nap, but usually it's less than 15 minutes and that just doesn't count!

Anyway.
At 7 weeks old, when we took her to Fresno to visit friends, she had her first big cry where we couldn't console her. She screamed her head off and it was terrifying, because although we both knew that babies cry, it was SO unusual for our baby to be crying. Especially like that!! And I found out the problem pretty early on. She was overstimulated and exhausted. With a baby that rarely ever made a fuss, we didn't think about sleep. She was happy, engaging, excited to look around. We didn't realize she was overtired! From that day on there was a marked change. We made a "no visitors past 6 pm" rule. We started a bedtime routine with music, a dark room, rocking, holding and bouncing, patting, and walking in circles... for up to an hour. And she'd cry. She'd cry so hard that Pam and I would have to tag team to make sure we didn't go absolutely crazy. Eventually she'd fall asleep in our arms. And we'd all go to bed. Or, more accurately, I'd go into the bed with Makena and Pam slept on the couch. We started to swaddle her too, which she hated as a tiny baby but needed once she started to wake herself up with her flailing arms. It also signified "BED TIME!!" and she felt like we were right next to her still holding her in our arms.

And we did that for a long time, until she started to nurse to sleep again, and I took advantage of how easy that was. I'd sit in the bed in the dark, and hold her and nurse until she fell asleep, then pop her off me, pop the pacifier in her mouth, and lay her down. That would take up to 2 hours some nights. Eventually I mastered the art of nursing while laying down, so I'd lay her down, nurse her, then sneak out of the room. You see, Makena is awesome because not only does she fight her sleep like crazy and take forever to FALL asleep, but she's ALSO a very light sleeper. That phrase "sleeping like a baby" does not apply. She wouldn't sleep in the car unless you really "worked" at it. She wouldn't fall asleep then be placed down and stay asleep. She is basically impossible to move once she's asleep.

So when I figured out that if I nursed her to sleep while she was laying down I could easily sneak out, it got much easier. Sometimes I'd have the mobile playing her music and that seemed to help. After being asleep for a couple hours, I'd get into bed and be able to move her ever so gently the 3 feet over to the co-sleeper. She spent several nights asleep there, until she'd wake to nurse and I'd bring her in bed with me again only yo fall asleep before putting her back. Pam spent several nights in bed with us. And sometimes I'd sleep on the couch. It was all very irregular. As much as I HATE when Pam and I aren't in bed together, even before having a baby Pam moved to the couch in the middle of the night very often. I'd wake up by myself, sad and alone, and she'd say she just sleeps better on the couch or fell asleep watching TV or I was snoring or whatever. Pam generally doesn't sleep well and wakes up way earlier than me anyway. (And, in her defense, we do have an incredibly comfy couch!! When I don't feel well or am having a hard time sleeping, I sleep much better on the couch!) But, with Makena in our queen sized bed, there isn't much room for all 3 of us to be comfortable. All the more reason to transition her to her own sleeping space.

This is SO much easier said than done. And we were well aware then (just as we are even MORE well aware now...) that the longer it took, the harder it would be in the long run.

And now? Well, I just hope we'll look back on all this some day and laugh and learn from our mistakes...

In mid-August I finally got tired of doing it every single night by myself and asked Pam to do the bedtime routine with Makena. The new routine took shape- Dinner, bath if needed, pj's and sleepsack on, stories read (Her favorite book right now is "I'll See You In The Morning"), and then I nurse her and sing or hum a song. Sometimes it's "Baby Mine," "Everything's Alright," "You'll Be In My Heart," or "Edelweiss," which seems to be her very favorite. Then, I stop singing, and nurse in the dark room and she gets very sleepy. But, before she falls asleep, I take her off the boob, give her the pacifier (if she wants it. Sometimes she doesn't, which I love.) and I call Pam in and she either lays with Makena if she's sleepy or picks her up and walks/rocks/pats her until she falls asleep. Then she lays her down eventually in the bed and we have a few hours sans baby until we go to bed! We have the video monitor on to watch her constantly, because now that she can crawl, she isn't safe in the bed unless we can make sure she isn't moving. We have a very high bed. (Also, side-note. I never planned to bed-share, and I know lots of people think it's crazy dangerous. But I love it. I love love LOVE knowing Makena is asleep right next to me. I love that I can so easily soothe and nurse her when she wakes. I don't feel sleep deprived at all (well, I didn't...more on that later), even if she wakes up twice in the night to eat. I roll over, nurse her, and we're both asleep within 5 minutes.)

Anyways. We finally decided to try and get her to sleep in her crib. The co-sleeper can't be used any more because she can sit, crawl, and stand up. :( It's in storage for the next baby, who WILL sleep in it!!!! So, since we weren't comfortable with her being in a different room than us, we moved our mattress to the floor of her room. It just barely fit. lol. When I went in to bed, I picked her up, placed her in the crib, and we all slept. Until she woke up crying. For the first time ever. See, in bed next to me, she stirs and I'd semi-wake up and feed her before she'd even make a peep. So I got up, picked her up, nursed, then put her back in crib. And she tossed and turned and I had to stand there and comfort her until she fell asleep. Meanwhile, I was tired and grumpy and already hating this new technique. The 2nd time she woke up I just kept her in bed with us till the morning.

We tried that a few nights, and then I just stopped putting her in the crib altogether. It's too much work! I don't sleep well at all, she doesn't sleep well, I get cranky about having to physically get UP, and I had to keep myself awake enough to move her back to the crib. No thanks.

But now it's just gotten worse. Now, within the last 2 weeks or so, Makena is sleeping even lighter than before. The other night Pam said to me, "So, what are we doing? We moved our bed in there, now what?!" And we laughed because it's so ridiculous how we don't know what we're doing. We don't even really know what the true problem is, and so we don't know how to fix it!!

Lately, she isn't even falling asleep while nursing. It's taking a LOT more effort to get her to fall asleep. She is tossing and turning while sleeping, and waking up and crying out a lot. She'll often fall back asleep on her own, but sometimes we have to run in and put the pacifier in and lay next to her.

And, she's been waking up ready to play at all hours of the night. 3 am, 4 am, 5 am, she wants to get out of bed. I wake up, nurse, then try to go back to sleep but she crawls over to climb on me and is "talking" and laughing and having a grand time. Lately, I've learned what sleep deprivation is. Not in those first 6 weeks when we were expecting it. No, ours came over 6 months into it, and caught us while we were already struggling with sleep issues!! Not fair. Dislike. Thumbs down. :(

It's been rough these days. I woke up the other night after multiple times of dealing with Makena fighting her falling back to sleep, and I was so tired, and I couldn't deal with it. I sat up in bed and put my head in my hands and left out a very grumpy "GRRR!!!!" And Pam got up with Makena and let her play for an hour until getting her to fall asleep again.

I am not a night owl, or an early riser. I like my sleep. And I don't function well with a lack of sleep. It's been HARD to get through these days. We feel helpless and stuck and I have some moments where I'm so unbelievably unhappy that it blows my mind. I have SO much to be happy about. I have Pam, and she's wonderful. And I absolutely love us. Together we have Makena, this total dream come true baby, and she's amazing. A family, a real family. Can you ask for more? Even when things suck, I look at all I have and know I shouldn't complain. Things could be a million times worse!!!! So when it does suck, when I'm feeling miserable, I feel doubly awful because I know I shouldn't feel that way! I have no right to complain when so many others wait their whole lives for what I have right now.

And, the song that continually runs through my head couldn't say it all any better-

That's why I couldn't be happier No, I couldn't be happier Though it is, I admit The tiniest bit Unlike I anticipated But I couldn't be happier Simply couldn't be happier Well - not "simply" 'Cause getting your dreams It's strange, but it seems A little - well - complicated There's a kind of a sort of: cost There's a couple of things get: lost There are bridges you cross You didn't know you crossed Until you've crossed And if that joy, that thrill Doesn't thrill you like you think it will Still - With this perfect finale The cheers and ballyhoo Who Wouldn't be happier? So I couldn't be happier Because happy is what happens When all your dreams come true Well, isn't it? Happy is what happens When your dreams come true!
-Wicked