What I want.

I've already posted about how I occasionally think terrible thoughts about losing Makena, but I rarely think about the opposite, her losing me. We watched a movie tonight where the little boy of about 7 loses his mom. She just suddenly was very sick and died of cancer. It's so sad because it can and does happen.

And it got me thinking. If I was sick and knew I only had a short time left I'd start preparing as many things as possible. I'd write in a journal every day for Makena, pouring out words of love and my hopes and dreams for her as she grows. I'd video tape myself reading favorite books and just talking about life. I'd record my voice singing and humming all the songs I'd want her to remember. I wouldn't want her for one second to wonder how much I loved her.

And that's all so scary to think about, getting sick out of nowhere and knowing the end is coming. But it's even worse to imagine a car crash, or some other horrible death that happens without the chance to leave anything behind. It seriously terrifies me.

Part of me has always been worried about dying. I mean, I'm sure we all worry/think about it sometimes. But I can remember times when I was a teenager and wrote in my diaries wondering if my words would be read like Anne Frank's some day. (Not to imply my story is anything near as fascinating as hers.) When I was younger I remember wondering if I'd ever have a baby, or if I'd die before then. Or before I ever fell in love and got married.

But here I am, about to turn 30, married, with a baby. I have everything I wanted, so I need to think of what else I want. More children to share this life with, a sibling for Makena to love and grow up with. More family time. More vacations and trips and fun. More happiness and way less grumpiness. More smiles and less tears.

But more than anything I want Makena to know how much I love her. Every day I tell her, multiple times. She is the best thing in my entire world. Even my worst days now are my best days, compared to before she was born. I see her or think of her and my whole being is filled with overwhelming love. And intense gratitude. I'm thankful all the time that she's who she is. Smart, kind, funny, silly, loving, thoughtful, beautiful, sweet. She's growing into her own person more and more each day, and I love her. I love her because I'm her mom, because she's a part of me, but also because she's this amazing little girl who continuously astounds me. I can't adequately express how I feel. I can only hope that some day she has a child of her own so she can experience this love, and know for certain how I feel.

Bad days.

Tonight, as I was cleaning up after dinner I asked Pam to distract Makena. To please keep her busy in the other room because she was getting in my way in our tiny kitchen. But, I didn't exactly say it that way...

"UGH, she's like a little fly that just won't leave me ALONE!!"

I've had an idea swirling around my brain to write a post about how awesome I feel I am as a mom. I know I'm not always awesome, I know I make mistakes and say things I regret and have moments (and sometimes days) where I have failed a little more than normal. But I also know that in the grand scheme of Makena's life, I'm doing a pretty stellar job. I hear so much about moms who seem so angry. They feel judged by everyone for their parenting choices. They talk about hating getting advice. They lash out and are so defensive about everything. I can only imagine that stems from deeper issues of low self-esteem, of lack of confidence in their parenting skills. And I think that since I generally feel very sure of myself and my ways, I let things bounce right off that might otherwise piss another mom off. Then again I love a sense of community and sharing advice and learning new things. I rarely get offended and easily find the good in people's intentions, even if their delivery is awful. This can be a flawed system though, because it certainly doesn't always work and had made me feel isolated at times.

Anyways. Back to today. I woke up not feeling well, and then got my period. I wanted to lounge around on the couch in my pj's and watch movies all day. Oh wait, Makena needs breakfast. And she needs me to help her in the bathroom. And she wants milk. And now she wants the other side. I shooed her outside to play for a bit while I escaped to facebook. Within minutes she needed help filling up her watering can. And help sweeping away the spider webs on her slide. And putting her helmet on. And then she needs more milk. And she wants ice cream but I say we have to wait until after dinner and then she's crying and I want to go eat ice cream and cry myself.

I swept the floor and cleaned up the kitchen while she half watched the Disney Junior channel and half clung to my legs whining that she needed me. I made dinner and the clingy-ness continued, until I suggested she go find something quiet to do by herself. I heard her playing the Sesame Street zoo video game on the Nintendo DS and thankfully that gave me enough time to finish in the kitchen. Then Pam got home and we ate.

I told her what a long emotionally exhausting day it was. Makena was still being grumpy. Then she followed me into the kitchen. She was practically attached to my hip all day and I needed a break and some personal space. Even doing the dishes (for the second time today!!) looked inviting to me. So I said that sentence from above, and immediately felt bad about it.

And I think it's important to document the bad moments just as much as the good ones. Parenting is tough, but I think as long as we acknowledge that and try to learn from it and be better next time, it's okay. I know for me, it's obvious that I don't get enough "me" time. I'm rarely away from Makena. And while sometimes I crave a few hours to myself, to go out with friends and enjoy being me instead of being mom... usually I don't really want to be without Makena. It's a catch-22. I thought I'd have figured out that balance before now, over 2.5 years into this thing. But even when things are crappy at home, even on my hardest days, I'm still a million times happier than I was before I had Makena in my life. I was never driven to do anything else in life besides get married and have a family. I wanted to be a mom more than anything, and I love it, I really do. I feel so blessed and thankful and honored to be in charge of raising this person. Not just ensuring that she is safe, but nourishing her soul and helping her follow her heart so she can grow to be a kind, smart, thoughtful contributing member of society. Someone who can change the world for the better with her ideas and motivation.

So yes, I have bad days. And there will be more as time goes by, and as Makena gets older there will be different challenges. I'm not looking forward to the difficult times, but I am looking forward to what we learn from them, and how we grow from the experience they give us.

"The painful things seemed like knots on a beautiful necklace, necessary for keeping the beads in place." -Anita Diamant

"Shore!"

Makena's been really enjoying the Signing Time dvd's we've been checking out from the library. She recently learned the signs for the colors of the rainbow, and lots of fruits, veggies, animals and other stuff. Sometimes she struggles to get her fingers the right way, and sometimes when we try to correct her she gets frustrated and says, "Me can't do!" I love learning the signs with her, and the songs are so fun and catchy! While her speech is getting better each day there are still times we have no idea what she's saying, and when she can use a sign to help it's so helpful for all of us.

The other day we were looking at her 2nd birthday party photo book. She started to say something and I asked her to repeat it but still didn't catch what she was saying. Then she got sad and was close to crying, so I asked her to show me what she was saying, and I finally realized she was asking where her Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playset was, and saying she was sad because she didn't have her Mickey Clubhouse anymore. "Me no have me Mih-ee tub-how any mo!"

Then today we were playing and she asked me for something that I didn't understand. Over and over she repeated the word "shore" and I kept trying to decipher it. She stood up and started moving her hands above her head, losing more and more hope because I just couldn't figure it out. I asked her to use a sign and she repeated "shore!" and kept putting her hand up. I asked her if she could show me it somewhere, in a book or toy or photo? And then she got really discouraged. I apologized, I tried guessing lots of things, I encouraged her to keep trying. She was nearing a point of giving up. How frustrating to not be able to communicate something. Why couldn't I just read her mind?? I asked her again to show me the "shore" in a new way, and then she stood next to her play kitchen, held a blanket over head, and asked me to build a fort. I clapped with joy when I finally got it. "Yay! Oh Makena, you did such a good job helping mommy understand! We did it! Let's build a fort, what a good idea!" And then she grabbed me for a hug and burst into tears. Sobbing in the saddest little voice, "Me no how do it, me no say shore." (I didn't know how to do it, I didn't say fort.)  She was so so sad and asked for milk. We sat on the couch and she nursed and I told her again how proud I was that she kept trying and that I'm sorry I don't always understand, buy I do always try to. And how exciting it is when I get it. She kept crying and I tried to distract her to get off me by talking about the cool fort we'd build, but she said not right now, later.

So I put a blanket over both our heads and said, "Okay. I think maybe you just want to feel close to me and connected because we had a hard time just now. So how about we make a milk fort first?!" Which she thought was hilarious and we sat like that for a while. Then we spent almost 2 hours inside a really awesome fort, drawing pictures and doing puzzles and reading books with flashlights.

Staycation!! (And a sad goodbye.)

I feel really lucky that we live in this area. I had a great childhood growing up here, and there are always things we want to do but never find the time. The Bay Area has so much to offer for families and kids! Pam had a week off work in early July, and we had wanted to visit her family in Seattle. But then we thought about the long 2 day drive with a kid who hates being in the car, and the money the trip would cost, and how rushed it would have to be, we decided to stay home and planned a "staycation" instead! A vacation to explore our own backyard, so to speak. I set up our itinerary and set to work finding discounted tickets and ways to cut costs. There were so many things I couldn't wait to do!

Up first, we went to Gilroy Gardens. It was a hot day, and I wish I had known there is a water play area there! I was mostly excited about the butterfly pavilion, I told Makena all about it, how we'd see butterflies flying all over. She wore her butterfly outfit. We got there and she wanted to see the butterflies, but we went on some rides then had lunch, with a promise of seeing the butterflies next.

 Alas, when we entered the butterfly pavilion not a single butterfly was there. I don't know what that was about, but I was SO disappointed. Way more than Makena, so that's good at least. We played in the water area for a while and cooled off. There was water being squirted from everywhere and I got much wetter than I planned! Thankfully I had a change of clothes for Makena to get wet in.

She changed back into her butterfly outfit and we went on more rides.

 Then we went on the duck paddle boats. What a work out. It was lopsided because of the weight difference, and I had to do all the leg work while worrying about Makena going overboard the whole time. And she kept wanting to steer and it was so hard to go in the direction I wanted!

We had a little visit by baby Emily! Makena loves seeing her. She randomly mentions "bay Em" all the time. I wish I had more local friends with kids for Makena to hang out with!

 We went to my parents house for a family dinner, and some kite flying at the park.

 My mom with the 4 grandkids.

 I love brilliant ideas like this! Glow bracelets in the bathtub! So fun.

The next big day out was a trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. I've been wanting to take Makena there for so long!! The night before when we talked about going to the aquarium Makena kept saying something that we didn't understand. She repeated herself a few times, and then got up and said, "Me show you" and brought Pam over to the kitchen counter and pointed up there. Then it hit me. She was saying Dorothy, the name of her pet fish who died a few weeks after we moved in to this apartment. All on her own she made the connection that we'd see Dorothy at the aquarium. :( It made me cry. Anyway, I was determined to go to the aquarium last summer but we never made it, so it was the #1 thing on my to-do list this summer. And we had a GREAT time!!

I was so glad Makena touched the starfishes and stuff in the touch pools. I wasn't sure if she'd be too afraid, but she loved it! Maybe she didn't realize that stuff was actually alive.

 There was a really amazing interactive psychedelic jellyfish exhibit. I'd love to go back before they change it!

 This camera was fun, I loved our family photo! Makena wanted to make a funny face in it all by herself...

She drew this jellyfish on her own, and then you got to watch it "swim" on the screen with others. She called it a rainbow jellyfish. I'm impressed by a lot of her artistic ability!

Then she wanted us to sit and take a photo.

We left the aquarium and walked around Cannery Row and found a Ghirardelli ice cream shop! Yum!

As we left the ice cream shop we saw a walkway to get to the ocean. It was cold and windy, but Pam and Makena had a blast!

Each day we came home from an all day outing Makena would cry and say she didn't want to go home. We'd tell her we had to get home to feed Donte and tell him about our day. I have no idea why she was being upside down while he ate dinner.

 We went to Deer Hollow Farm and saw some animals then went to a park for a picnic.

The next day we went to the beach, it was overcast but otherwise a nice day. Makena was so excited, then after about an hour she wanted to go home. She was cold and sandy and wet and so we packed up and left. She kept wanting to fly her kite but we explained there wasn't enough wind. She started to cry and whine so I said fine, go for it, and wouldn't you know, the kite flew beautifully!

I did a quick search on yelp and found great reviews about a nearby u-pick strawberry farm, and we went there even though it wasn't exactly on our way home. We really enjoyed walking down the long rows and picking deliciously ripe organic strawberries and supporting an awesome family owned farm! The Pacific Ocean is just on the other side of Highway 1 which runs along the right side of this photo.

After beach day we planned to go spend a day in San Francisco and visit the Academy of Sciences. But we had some unexpected expenses, new medication for Donte, and then when we woke up on Friday (Friday the 13th no less...) it was clear that Donte was sicker and in more pain than we'd seen before. We knew the day was coming, when he got his diagnoses of an aggressive tumor a few months ago we knew his days were numbered. And we knew we wanted to let him be put to sleep peacefully instead of watching him suffer through his final days. We were worried the stress of the move might be too much for him, but his health seemed to turn around for the better! We hadn't seen the strange scary seizure things in a while. He loved going out in out little back yard and laying in the sun. But then he stopped eating the hard food, and then he barely ate the wet food. And then he stopped going to the bathroom. That morning the sign we'd been dreading came. There was no longer a question of "When will we know when it's time?" It was clearly time, he was not well. I called the vet and it was awful. We went to the store and bought a plaster garden stone kit and made imprints of his paw prints. Then we prepared Makena to say goodbye, and we were all crying. When we came home from the vet without him it was terribly sad. Ever since then she sporadically asks for Donte, and she's taken to randomly sadly saying that she doesn't have any pets anymore. "Me no have no pets no more. Me want Donte back home." It breaks our hearts. :(

So we had a really great week and then a really awful end. Even though we knew it was coming it was still so hard. Pam's had him since he was born almost 17 years ago. And now we don't have any pets, and it's so strange and empty. I don't think we're ready to commit to a new lovable pet yet, but maybe we'll do a fish for Makena for now. We'll see.

Just another catch up.

We had a really lovely day on Sunday June 24th. We wanted to do something fun, so we went to the farmers market then took a short train ride to Menlo Park to a bookstore that had a story time. Then we had brunch and walked around a bit and I used my phone to look up things to do. There was a Color Me Mine studio nearby, so we went to check it out. Makena selected a vase to paint, and we all helped to paint a bowl with Makena's hand print in it. She did an awesome job! Then we took the train home, but first we had time to kill at the train station so we found a geocache while we waited. We got home and decided to wash our car, so we had fun doing that by hand.

 We signed Makena up for the summer session at The Little Gym. Once a week we walk over there and she does her gym class. It's been fun to watch her get a little more confident. She really liked her teacher but we just had to switch to a different day because she was in swim class. One day her teacher suggested everyone try a new way to walk to bed, like skipping or hopping or crab walking. And pretty much every night since then Makena has crawled to her spot on the bed, saying that the teacher wants her to "do a new way to bed!" A couple of times she even did a somersault on the bed, lol. She really loves the classes, especially these rings. I'd really love to continue enrolling her in classes, but it's so darn expensive.

Ian and Colin's grandpa did a little photo shoot of Makena for us, she was so cooperative! It went way better than a trip to the Sears portrait studio would've gone.  

She's so cute and awesome.

In addition to gym class and the aforementioned swim class, Makena's doing a mommy and me soccer class on Saturdays! We didn't pay for this class, it's the class Pam used to teach so she knows the coach and just shows up. Makena is doing great, she is learning so much and loves the time with Mama.

Colin also takes the soccer class, and they take the swim class together too. The last day for that is tomorrow. More about that in my next post! These two have been so sweet together lately. I've loved watching them grow up together. Here they were washing the car and copying each other.

We got a bunch of ollalieberries a couple weeks ago and Makena helped me make a pie. It was so yummy! She refused to try it though. Fine, more for me!

Makena loves to make her own pizza on Tuesday nights at Pizza My Heart.

I had a code to make a photo book for free, and had this brilliant idea to make a fun learning/game book for Makena. So I took a bunch of photos of her and we collected things around the house to photograph and I created a really awesome book. That week she was really into taking photos, and one day she asked me to take this photo, of two elephants on top of an elephant block. Lol.

For the 4th of July we took the train to the parade in Redwood City. We didn't think we'd get to go because Pam had work, but at the last minute she got off early. We missed the parade though, but we had fun at the festival.

I was really excited to make these bows for her. They were perfect!!

We saw my mom there, who marches with a band every year.

And we let Makena do some art and craft projects and games!

I love seeing what she chooses and creates. We had forgotten a hat for her (and sunscreen, oops) so the make a visor craft was helpful! I was annoyed that the prizes for the games were all candy. Thankfully she doesn't even know what most candy is, she would just select a random colorful thing and give it to us.

Then we had lunch and headed home, and she took a late nap. I don't normally let her nap past 2, or even after 1 sometimes, because then she's awake until 10pm. But since we were going to see the fireworks it worked out great. We went to the same spot as last year, on the lawn in front of Google across from the firework show at Shoreline, which is perfect.

We had a picnic dinner and waited for darkness. Makena and Pam walked around and found some Google bikes. I had a package of glow in the dark bracelets that were a huge hit, and we bundled up and watched the fireworks.

(Pam took this photo of Pam and I.)