All About August

My mom had a pirate themed party for my nephew's birthday, and at the last minute we decided to dress up Makena in a makeshift Izzy (from Jake & The Neverland Pirates) costume. We grabbed all the stuff, dressed her in it, and were out the door in 10 minutes. I think it came out so cute for being so spontaneous! (Those earrings are actually those plastic link ring toys that you hang baby toys with, lol. Genius idea!!) I had some red fabric and there was a piece that was partly sewn, and I turned it into a doubloon pouch by adding a string and stapling one side. I also stapled red cuffs around her ankles since she didn't have any boots. 

The kids followed clues and dug for treasures.

Makena was sitting on this balloon trying to pop it, and my dad thought he'd help by poking it with a fork. But then she bumped her bottom as she fell and cried hysterically. I don't think she realized what popping it meant. 

We've been spending lots of fun days with Makena's best buddies. Here they were doing their "excited" faces for me.

We finally went to Rinconada Pool, something we vowed we'd do more of after we went for the first time last summer. She had such a blast, and was tall enough to mostly walk in the whole pool. It's huge and shaped like a big flower, with each petal housing a different fun water attraction. The slide was her favorite. She also liked the big mushroom waterfall thing but mostly just wanted to watch it, not go under it. But I did get her to try it with me! I can't believe summer is over and we only went that one time. We spent a few hours there, when Pam got off work she walked over and joined us! So that was really fun. Next summer we really really have to go more than once!!

I have such great photo slideshow material if these two end up getting married like we always joke. They have been totally enjoying each others company lately and it's so sweet to watch them interact. Though it borders on more of a brother/sister relationship at times, with the squabbling and such since they spend so much time together!

Makena really loved her gym classes. I'm bummed we can't afford to sign her up for the school year session. It's so convenient since it's in walking distance, but it's so darn expensive!! I'm hoping we can get a discount at the community center where Pam works, since they will be offering some fun classes and maybe then Pam could even pop in to see her sometimes.

On our second to last class Makena walked across the low balance beam all by herself, and continued doing it over and over. She was even the example kid for doing an assisted forward roll on it! She was nervous, I could see she was a bit terrified as the teacher turned her upside down. She wasn't his biggest fan to begin with, so I was shocked when she agreed to be his helper. But she found my face smiling at her and she held it together, beaming when everyone clapped. :)

I wasn't in the room and she called me over to see her name. She did this all by herself, with these magnet letters!! I'm so amazed by her. We had kindergarten students who didn't know all the letters of the alphabet, much less how to spell their names verbally.

A cute family photo! We needed to send one in to Makena's "preschool" for the family board. That's in quotes because it's not exactly a preschool, but I'll write a post about that next!

I mean look at these kids, seriously?!?! How much freakin cuter can they possibly get? I love them!! I don't even have to tell them to pose, they just naturally are adorable together!

Makena was so excited to take this sunflower from my parent's garden home to mama.

Carrots and beans from Makena's garden!

She loved when they had these climbing bars set up at the gym. She spent the whole time climbing on them and didn't want anything to do with anything else.

Another freecycle score! I saw a posting for a "small" train table and went to pick it up but it's a lot bigger than I anticipated. We don't have the room for it so it stays tucked in Makena's little play area then we pull it out for her to play which takes up a lot of the living room floor area. On the night I brought it home she was so excited by it that she didn't want to stop playing to go pee... so she brought the potty out. Funny.

Normally she doesn't like syrup or anything on her pancakes or waffles. She eats them dry, but she saw this mini maple syrup container at Target and wanted it. Sure enough she dipped her pancakes in syrup and loved it! But she hasn't tried it again since. What happened to my eager little 1 year old who would eat anything we gave her? Now she insists she doesn't like things that she does indeed like. Or she refuses to even try something. So frustrating. I'm thankful she still loves veggies and beans. Now her big thing is wanting soy sauce on her rice. She loves it, and tonight I made risotto and called it "cheesy rice" and she cried and said she wanted soy sauce rice. I shouldn't have even said the word rice at all!

On my 30th birthday I spent the morning with my favorite little girl! We dropped off Pam at work then planned to eat breakfast at Marie Calendar's since they sent me a birthday coupon. I specifically looked up the location that served breakfast and even though it was farther than the one near us, we went. Got there and they were closed, under new management and not open until lunch. I was so bummed out!! Makena was crying that we had to get back in the car. She was hungry and asking for the "food place!" so I made the decision to go to Panera. And then I let Makena eat a flower cookie for breakfast.

Later we went to lunch and Pam surprised us there. She had the rest of the day off, and after a delicious birthday meal at The Counter, (where they serve the very best veggie burgers I've ever had, not to mention the best sweet potato fries and parmesean rosemary fries!) we dropped off Makena at the park to play with her buddies (and their mom) while we went and got mani/pedi's!! It was a great day! Then we went home and got ready to go to dinner at A Slice of New York. They have yummy garlic knots.

On the Saturday after my birthday I was (mostly) surprised at my surprise birthday party! I don't have any photos from then, but it was fun to see so many friends and eat yummy food!

Speaking of food, Makena was so excited to use the veggies from her garden to make Stone Soup. She got this little vegetable seed kit along with a Stone Soup book from my aunt Kathie, and when we moved in here we got her garden started first thing! After making the soup Makena tried a couple bites of the veggies and wouldn't eat any more. I'm not a soup person either. But it was fun to make!

This is how smart my kid is. She didn't have another A in this set, so she told me she spelled her name with an O and was pretending it was an A.

She said, "Mommy, me carry me self!" The funny things she says all day really make me laugh!

This is from an indoor play place for kids, it's called Play! and it's cute and would be awesome for a rainy day. I loved our different sized hand prints here.

 It gave me the idea to do my hand print with hers inside mine. Awww!

 Balancing is one of her favorite things now, she set these up in a circle and went around and around.

Her sleep habits have been changing a bit. There's a new shift of going to bed at 7 and sleeping until about 4:30, then nursing a lot until we fall asleep around 6 then she gets up an hour later. Zzzzzz!! But it's been nice that she hasn't been waking up so often after falling asleep. Lately (like, within the last week or so) I haven't really had to go in at all, and when I lay down for bed she rarely wakes to nurse. So that's different. The very early waking is annoying though. Thankfully she stays in bed, but it's not fun to nurse so long and when I finally get comfortable to go back to sleep she wakes up.  

This photo makes me laugh. I was on the computer and she was playing, and then she asked me to take a picture. So I aimed my camera at the sculpture she built but she said, "Wait!!" and put puzzles and her duck around it. Then she sat down with the recorder and told me to take the picture. Lol.

We've been really enjoying some subscription boxes. She gets a monthly box of clothes from Wittlebee, which is awesome. I basically won a years free membership with them since I was one of the first members to sign up and earned 12 referral boxes, and wow what a blessing it's been to have so many brand new great clothes arriving each month! And I did some trial sample boxes with very cheap deals at Bluum, Green Kid Crafts, and Babbaco. Then I actually won a 12 month subscription to GKC, so each month she gets clothes AND a box of 3 crafts to do! Lucky us! I was so so SO excited! The projects are great so far, but some are a little too old for her so they're being saved in the closet.

I absolutely ADORE the Babbaco box we got. It was amazing. Totally worth every penny but we just can't afford to stay on as month members. They send a book and a few art/science projects to tie in the theme. Makena was thrilled to get a pair of kid safety scissors. She immediately started cutting paper and showed me this little shape, declaring it was a tooth. :)

And that's pretty much been our August!

Camping at Big Basin

We love camping. At least, we think we love camping. Then after all the planning and shopping and packing and the drive we arrive at the campsite exhausted and ready for bed. Except first you have to set up the tent and get a fire started quickly before nightfall. And don't get me started on the bugs. Oh how I hate bugs. That's not entirely true, I'm actually quite tolerant of bugs in general. I think they are important living things with a role in the circle of life, and as long as they aren't in my home or on me or my food, I'm fine with their existence. But then I go camping, and I have to remember I'm in their home, and I'm not too fond of them at that point.

So really, camping sounds awesome until you are actually there. Makena, like most kids, loves the outdoors. Camping offers such freedom from normal every day life. I have so many wonderful memories of all the camping trips we took as a family when I was growing up. Last summer Makena had a blast camping, and we wanted to go again this summer but hadn't planned anything. Then on Thursday July 26th Pam sent me a text from work asking if we wanted to go camping this weekend. The family she works with were going and invited us along on a last minute trip. They had already paid for the campsite, all we needed to bring was our camping stuff and food, so we said yes! What a whirlwind. I dropped Pam at work on Friday morning, bought some batteries and things at Wal-Mart, took Makena to her gym class, went to our storage unit and pulled out our tent and supplies, then we had lunch at Target and bought some groceries and an air mattress since I couldn't find ours and they were on sale for like $25 for a queen sized one. Picked up Pam at work when she called saying she was off early, then we stopped at the grocery store on the way home for s'mores stuff and ice.

Packed up the cooler and car, then we met Julie and her older two kids and their friend, and we followed them up over the Santa Cruz mountains to Big Basin State Park. I'd camped there years ago, and the ride was nerve-wracking. One car was so annoyed to be behind a slow line of 4 cars that it zoomed around us while speeding towards a blind curve. I was so terrified a car would come in the other direction and they'd fly off the mountain in front of us. We made it safely and checked in, then started making our campsite livable while the kids explored.

4 year old Nash was so sweet to Makena. He gave her a head lamp to wear and kept fixing it for her, then she'd tell him to chase her and they ran around in the dark laughing.

In the morning we found racoon prints all over!

Makena thought she was so funny using a fork and a spoon at the same time.

We went on a walk and saw the "Mother of the forest," the second tallest redwood in the park.

Makena got a kick out of standing inside the tree. She hated putting bug spray on, and screamed each time. But there were lots of mosquitoes around and tick warnings.

Our walk was actually along a hiking trail, and I was trying to lead us to a geocache but my gps reception was terrible. It was taking much longer than I expected, and Makena was struggling to keep the pace. I was cursing myself for not bringing the Ergo with us, dang it!!!! Then we came upon a buzzing sound, and had to step over some standing water that had bees all over it, and shortly after that I called it quits. We were tired and hungry and didn't know how much farther we had to go, and so we turned around. Pam held Makena and within minutes she was asleep. Poor baby was exhausted! We couldn't believe she just fell asleep like that, and got worried she was feverish or something. But she was just tired.

Makena really loved walking in the creek. She picked out rocks and we dried them off and painted them later.

All the kids played so well together. I brought a couple Klutz books with us to keep them busy. Our screened in porch was a hit. Makena had so much fun going in Brooklyn's little tent that she was sharing with her friend Maddie. They played Barbies (Makena's first time...) and I totally laughed when I heard the girls calling them "Mom 1 and Mom 2"

Makena bounced on the air mattress and it was so hilarious! I took a video of it, and as I was filming she bounced right off the side and fell into her potty. Thankfully it was empty! And she only hurt her arm a bit, I was worried she'd smash her face into it as I saw her flying through the air. Funny how those things happen in slow enough motion that you can process everything that's happening/about to happen, yet there isn't enough time to do anything to stop it. Like they say- it's all fun and games till someone gets hurt!

We packed up and headed home on Sunday morning. The drive was still nerve-wracking but also beautiful. California is so awesome, we have the best of so many worlds. Mountains, beaches, urban, suburban... I feel lucky to live here.

What I want.

I've already posted about how I occasionally think terrible thoughts about losing Makena, but I rarely think about the opposite, her losing me. We watched a movie tonight where the little boy of about 7 loses his mom. She just suddenly was very sick and died of cancer. It's so sad because it can and does happen.

And it got me thinking. If I was sick and knew I only had a short time left I'd start preparing as many things as possible. I'd write in a journal every day for Makena, pouring out words of love and my hopes and dreams for her as she grows. I'd video tape myself reading favorite books and just talking about life. I'd record my voice singing and humming all the songs I'd want her to remember. I wouldn't want her for one second to wonder how much I loved her.

And that's all so scary to think about, getting sick out of nowhere and knowing the end is coming. But it's even worse to imagine a car crash, or some other horrible death that happens without the chance to leave anything behind. It seriously terrifies me.

Part of me has always been worried about dying. I mean, I'm sure we all worry/think about it sometimes. But I can remember times when I was a teenager and wrote in my diaries wondering if my words would be read like Anne Frank's some day. (Not to imply my story is anything near as fascinating as hers.) When I was younger I remember wondering if I'd ever have a baby, or if I'd die before then. Or before I ever fell in love and got married.

But here I am, about to turn 30, married, with a baby. I have everything I wanted, so I need to think of what else I want. More children to share this life with, a sibling for Makena to love and grow up with. More family time. More vacations and trips and fun. More happiness and way less grumpiness. More smiles and less tears.

But more than anything I want Makena to know how much I love her. Every day I tell her, multiple times. She is the best thing in my entire world. Even my worst days now are my best days, compared to before she was born. I see her or think of her and my whole being is filled with overwhelming love. And intense gratitude. I'm thankful all the time that she's who she is. Smart, kind, funny, silly, loving, thoughtful, beautiful, sweet. She's growing into her own person more and more each day, and I love her. I love her because I'm her mom, because she's a part of me, but also because she's this amazing little girl who continuously astounds me. I can't adequately express how I feel. I can only hope that some day she has a child of her own so she can experience this love, and know for certain how I feel.

Bad days.

Tonight, as I was cleaning up after dinner I asked Pam to distract Makena. To please keep her busy in the other room because she was getting in my way in our tiny kitchen. But, I didn't exactly say it that way...

"UGH, she's like a little fly that just won't leave me ALONE!!"

I've had an idea swirling around my brain to write a post about how awesome I feel I am as a mom. I know I'm not always awesome, I know I make mistakes and say things I regret and have moments (and sometimes days) where I have failed a little more than normal. But I also know that in the grand scheme of Makena's life, I'm doing a pretty stellar job. I hear so much about moms who seem so angry. They feel judged by everyone for their parenting choices. They talk about hating getting advice. They lash out and are so defensive about everything. I can only imagine that stems from deeper issues of low self-esteem, of lack of confidence in their parenting skills. And I think that since I generally feel very sure of myself and my ways, I let things bounce right off that might otherwise piss another mom off. Then again I love a sense of community and sharing advice and learning new things. I rarely get offended and easily find the good in people's intentions, even if their delivery is awful. This can be a flawed system though, because it certainly doesn't always work and had made me feel isolated at times.

Anyways. Back to today. I woke up not feeling well, and then got my period. I wanted to lounge around on the couch in my pj's and watch movies all day. Oh wait, Makena needs breakfast. And she needs me to help her in the bathroom. And she wants milk. And now she wants the other side. I shooed her outside to play for a bit while I escaped to facebook. Within minutes she needed help filling up her watering can. And help sweeping away the spider webs on her slide. And putting her helmet on. And then she needs more milk. And she wants ice cream but I say we have to wait until after dinner and then she's crying and I want to go eat ice cream and cry myself.

I swept the floor and cleaned up the kitchen while she half watched the Disney Junior channel and half clung to my legs whining that she needed me. I made dinner and the clingy-ness continued, until I suggested she go find something quiet to do by herself. I heard her playing the Sesame Street zoo video game on the Nintendo DS and thankfully that gave me enough time to finish in the kitchen. Then Pam got home and we ate.

I told her what a long emotionally exhausting day it was. Makena was still being grumpy. Then she followed me into the kitchen. She was practically attached to my hip all day and I needed a break and some personal space. Even doing the dishes (for the second time today!!) looked inviting to me. So I said that sentence from above, and immediately felt bad about it.

And I think it's important to document the bad moments just as much as the good ones. Parenting is tough, but I think as long as we acknowledge that and try to learn from it and be better next time, it's okay. I know for me, it's obvious that I don't get enough "me" time. I'm rarely away from Makena. And while sometimes I crave a few hours to myself, to go out with friends and enjoy being me instead of being mom... usually I don't really want to be without Makena. It's a catch-22. I thought I'd have figured out that balance before now, over 2.5 years into this thing. But even when things are crappy at home, even on my hardest days, I'm still a million times happier than I was before I had Makena in my life. I was never driven to do anything else in life besides get married and have a family. I wanted to be a mom more than anything, and I love it, I really do. I feel so blessed and thankful and honored to be in charge of raising this person. Not just ensuring that she is safe, but nourishing her soul and helping her follow her heart so she can grow to be a kind, smart, thoughtful contributing member of society. Someone who can change the world for the better with her ideas and motivation.

So yes, I have bad days. And there will be more as time goes by, and as Makena gets older there will be different challenges. I'm not looking forward to the difficult times, but I am looking forward to what we learn from them, and how we grow from the experience they give us.

"The painful things seemed like knots on a beautiful necklace, necessary for keeping the beads in place." -Anita Diamant

"Shore!"

Makena's been really enjoying the Signing Time dvd's we've been checking out from the library. She recently learned the signs for the colors of the rainbow, and lots of fruits, veggies, animals and other stuff. Sometimes she struggles to get her fingers the right way, and sometimes when we try to correct her she gets frustrated and says, "Me can't do!" I love learning the signs with her, and the songs are so fun and catchy! While her speech is getting better each day there are still times we have no idea what she's saying, and when she can use a sign to help it's so helpful for all of us.

The other day we were looking at her 2nd birthday party photo book. She started to say something and I asked her to repeat it but still didn't catch what she was saying. Then she got sad and was close to crying, so I asked her to show me what she was saying, and I finally realized she was asking where her Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playset was, and saying she was sad because she didn't have her Mickey Clubhouse anymore. "Me no have me Mih-ee tub-how any mo!"

Then today we were playing and she asked me for something that I didn't understand. Over and over she repeated the word "shore" and I kept trying to decipher it. She stood up and started moving her hands above her head, losing more and more hope because I just couldn't figure it out. I asked her to use a sign and she repeated "shore!" and kept putting her hand up. I asked her if she could show me it somewhere, in a book or toy or photo? And then she got really discouraged. I apologized, I tried guessing lots of things, I encouraged her to keep trying. She was nearing a point of giving up. How frustrating to not be able to communicate something. Why couldn't I just read her mind?? I asked her again to show me the "shore" in a new way, and then she stood next to her play kitchen, held a blanket over head, and asked me to build a fort. I clapped with joy when I finally got it. "Yay! Oh Makena, you did such a good job helping mommy understand! We did it! Let's build a fort, what a good idea!" And then she grabbed me for a hug and burst into tears. Sobbing in the saddest little voice, "Me no how do it, me no say shore." (I didn't know how to do it, I didn't say fort.)  She was so so sad and asked for milk. We sat on the couch and she nursed and I told her again how proud I was that she kept trying and that I'm sorry I don't always understand, buy I do always try to. And how exciting it is when I get it. She kept crying and I tried to distract her to get off me by talking about the cool fort we'd build, but she said not right now, later.

So I put a blanket over both our heads and said, "Okay. I think maybe you just want to feel close to me and connected because we had a hard time just now. So how about we make a milk fort first?!" Which she thought was hilarious and we sat like that for a while. Then we spent almost 2 hours inside a really awesome fort, drawing pictures and doing puzzles and reading books with flashlights.