New home/photo catch up

Well, we're in our new home! The move went pretty smoothly, considering that the weeks leading up to it were hectic. Makena and I walked to the Farmer's Market and played at our park one last time. She's very much into climbing these days!

My parents moved in to their new home, and Makena and I spent some time there on a Sunday while Pam did some packing. My sister and the kids came over too, and everyone picked snap peas and ate ice cream cones then we went to Blackberry Farm and for a geocaching hunt.

During our last days at our old apartment I tried to pack and organize as much as possible but it was nearly impossible. Makena was going through a very whiny clingy stage, and I struggled to get anything done. She is in a hiding phase lately, she's constantly hiding will stay still and hidden for quite some time. Little nooks and crannies as we packed boxes and moved furniture became prime hiding spots. Normally she plays really well on her own, but not then. She wanted to hide and be found, over and over again. Yesterday she "hid" in her car seat during the ride home from lunch, so when we unbuckled her we said, "Hmm, where's Makena? Have you seen her?" And she thought that was just so hilarious. I'm getting burned out of this game though. Sometimes we turn around and can't see her, and then realize she's hiding after we've panicked and called out her name. So we're trying to work on that.

We got the keys to our new place and started bringing stuff over. The new carpet and paint and drapes and linoleum all look great. We're working on the back patio/yard area now. I can't wait until it's ready and we can put Makena's new slide and sandbox out there. I got her a water table today and she loves it so much. It's really cute. Yesterday we bought some plants and herbs to grow. We don't get much sun out there, so we can't really have a real garden, but we can have some nice greenery!

When the moving truck arrived we started loading it and soon it was time to drive to the new apartment and unload. The next morning we got there at 8am to start our day of cleaning. We used a Groupon for a cleaning service and they were there for 2 hours and were a huge help. Still, we stayed until 5pm. I hope we get as much as possible back from our deposit!! We scrubbed like crazy. That was also Mother's Day. So basically our day sucked. The best part was going to Chili's for lunch. It was a well needed break, but then we had to go finish up. Next year we want to do something special since this Mother's Day was a flop. Makena was really cute with these flowers though, and that brightened our day. Pam got them from her preschool job, and we let her play with them as we took out the garbage.

On her first day playing outside in our new outdoor space Makena discovered these fun window markers. She drew a rainbow all on her own. I like that we put the computer desk right next to the sliding doors so I can keep an eye on her while she plays outside. Sometimes I imagine how nice it would (will, I hope) be to have a sibling for her to play with. I loved playing with my little brother. I think there is less boredom when you have a sibling, but there are also more squabbles. And right now Makena is so awesome that I wouldn't want to change that by adding a baby. I still love HER being our baby. Still, if it was easier and cheaper for us to get pregnant I'd already want another. But then again sometimes I'm glad she's an only child... I just hope it's only for now. :)

We have a new park that's in even closer walking distance. I came here when I was a kid, it's right by the public pool we used to swim in. Pam brought the boys she watches twice a week to come play, and Makena and I joined them at the park.

We live by a Baskin Robbins, which is equal parts terrific and terrible. We also have a Pizza My Heart, Jamba Juice, Starbucks, bagel place, and Chipotle nearby. I wish it was a Noah's Bagels, but I'm very happy with the other eatery selections! On a walk back from dinner the other night (ee ate out a lot of meals our first week here, due to not having the kitchen unpacked, but our finances do not allow for that so often, unfortunately) Makena stopped to pick a flower for Pam. Her birthday is tomorrow so we'd been talking about what to get her as a present, and she wanted to pick a flower. There were yellow flowers all over and she picked a half dead weed. Then she found a wish and blew it, and put the used empty wish and the weeds in a vase for Mama. Such a thoughtful gift! ;)

For Christmas Makena was given a Stone Soup book and gardening kit, and we were so excited to finally have a place to plant all the seeds. Yesterday we went to Nash's birthday party then came home and planted a few things. Makena has a cute new watering can and she loves helping Pam outside.

 And that brings us to today. We went to dance class where Makena participated wonderfully. I kept spotting her watching herself out in the mirror. She loves to shake her booty, it's so funny. In the car a song will come on the radio and she'll start nodding her head and close her eyes and say, "I yike dis song mommy!" She's so beyond my dream come true.

Up, up, and away!

Ending the chapter in this apartment

I'm nostalgic. I really love memories. As much as I love new adventures, I have a hard time closing chapters in my life.

Tonight is our last night in this apartment. We moved here in October of 2009. I was pregnant, in my last trimester, and so very excited to get started on the nursery.

I love this apartment. I was so excited when I saw the ad on craigslist. I remember walking in the door and knowing I wanted it, then worrying that we wouldn't be approved. I was so happy when it was ours, and I went to work turning it into a home. Pam and I decorated the nursery. We put together the crib. Applied the wall paper border. Painted the fan blades to match the theme of the bedding set. Hung the curtain, mirror, and all those adorable little baby dresses. I cleaned the hand me down glider chair. I sat and rocked my big belly and tried to imagine rocking my baby to sleep. Laying her down in the crib. Peeking in the door to glance at her. I imagined her learning her animals and colors in that room.

I never imagined that we'd live here forever. I moved around a lot growing up, so did Pam. By the time I was 22 I had lived in like 20 different places. I've never imagined owning a house. (Not in this area at least!) But I thought we'd stay here for a few years. We like the neighborhood. (Mostly... There are some ghetto-ish areas in one direction, but we mostly only go the other way.) We love the nearby park, and the playground where Makena first played in the sand. Where she first went down a slide,  honed her climbing skills, and swung in the swings. I loved the Saturday farmers market tradition that Makena and I started when Pam was busy with soccer classes. We took lots and lots of walks. We saw the ducks in the fountains at the civic center. The same civic center where I walked and walked to try and induce my labor.

Sentimental much??

I've really loved living here. But our rent got more and more expensive. Then they raised the price of the coin washers and dryers. Then they started making us pay for water/trash. We knew we had to find a cheaper apartment. The one bedrooms in our complex were renting for more than what we were paying for our 2 bedroom. And we didn't even use that second bedroom. It was pretty much our storage space. Makena never slept in that adorable nursery by herself. Except for several weeks where we all slept on a mattress on the floor of that room, that room was largely unused.

I'd browse apartment listings occasionally, but it was frustrating. We couldn't afford more than $1200 a month, and anything nice in this area was going for upwards of $1500. And even then they didn't have any outdoor access other than a balcony or tiny patio. They didn't have dishwashers, something I've become accustomed to and thoroughly enjoyed. And I couldn't find anything with a private washer/dryer. There ate lots of sketchy cheaper areas around, but we wanted to stay in a safe neighborhood. And we wanted to be closer to our jobs, but unfortunately the rents only got more expensive as we looked in those neighborhoods.

But, what's done is done and we're moving tomorrow. It's not my dream apartment. It's not even close. The kitchen is tiny and old. It's one bedroom and smaller, but it is a tad cheaper. It took a lot of convincing for me to feel like it was a good choice. I'm still not 100% sold, but I am excited. The new carpet, paint, and lineoleum look great. It's only 5 miles to Pam's job, 3 to mine. It's in a pretty good neighborhood, though there's a bar up the street that worries me. It's across the street from a park, and a short walk to a playground and the library and all the goodies that downtown has to offer. And it has a great outdoor space for Makena. I've already bought her a little table and a slide and sandbox. So, yes. I'm excited. It's always exciting to start a new chapter.

I'm sad to say goodbye to this place, this apartment where we came home when Makena was born. Her first home. She learned to walk on these floors. I'm feeling super nostalgic. As we took down the wall paper border it all cake back to me- all those moments that I imagined would happen in that room. Most of them never happened, but so many other wonderful things did happen, things I never thought to imagine.

And I suppose that's what life does. It makes new memories all the time, regardless of what you imagine they'll be like.

Easter, dancing, and being a professional full time mom.

Every time I want to write about something I get distracted by photos. I check the last blog update then open the folder of pictures and try to pick a couple to jog my memory so I can write a post. Then I scroll through a hundred photos of the cutest kid I've ever known and struggle to narrow it down. And then I completely forget what I wanted to post about, other than the fact that Makena is amazing.

She absolutely adores visiting Pam at work. She plays in the preschool room and cries when we have to leave. She also adores that purple sparkle skirt and often picks it out to wear. I love watching her choose her clothes, she looks at everything and really decides, she doesn't just grab whatever. Clearly she didn't get that sense of style from me.

At Panera for lunch one day we got to pick a free cookie, and she wanted the Easter egg one. Then she picked off each M&M and ate them. She didn't even want the cookie. I ate it and it was delicious. That was probably the most candy I had ever let her eat in one sitting. She usually has a little bit of sweets, definitely more than I ever imagined/wanted my 2 year old to have, but she really prefers healthy whole raw foods. (foreshadowing...) I feel like she eats pretty darn healthy the majority of the time, and I don't mind sharing a small indulgent treat with her occasionally.

Lately any stickers she comes across go immediately on her body. Temporary tattoos used to be her thing, but I think stickers are cooler now. Or maybe she just got bored of only getting the tattoos on her hands. Today she wanted Mickey Mouse tattoos then immediately wanted to wash them off.

A couple weekends ago we went to Baby Loves Disco at the mall, and I was so excited for the toddler dance party. But it was at a mall, not a night club. And it was a tiny space and Makena hadn't napped, so we left early. She had been so psyched about it though, and loved dancing up until she got whiny and wanted to be held the whole time. Freeze dance was a big hit! We've signed her up for a dance class that starts on Monday, and Andrea is the teacher which will be so fun!

We painted toilet paper rolls one day. She's obsessed with painting. It drives me a little crazy that she always goes for the black first then dips it into each color. And she has a tendency to knock over the water cup a lot which makes for lots of clean up. I'm looking forward to getting her an easel for outside when we move to our new apartment. (More on THAT later.)

Makena picked up a cold and had a slight fever and wasn't sleeping well and was throwing up and a huge mess. She was miserable. She fell asleep while nursing on my lap as we sat on the couch. I was on the phone and shocked that she fell asleep while I was talking. I was even more shocked when I got up and she stayed asleep. Poor baby. I continually thank my lucky stars for our health. A few days of snot and puke and poop and crying is hard to handle. I can't imagine how hard it is for families with chronically ill children.  :(

She picked out this outfit when we finally left the house after staying in for 4 days while she got over her bug.

While Makena was dealing with her sickness, we were dealing with a bug problem in our kitchen. It was awful, we had to throw away pretty much every single thing in our cabinets that was in a cardboard package. Everything had these microscopic tiny bugs in the boxes, and I totally freaked out. It was a tough week. So much wasted food. We spent a pretty penny on new storage containers for our grains. Then since we didn't have food at home and we were right near The Counter we went to dinner. Man I love that place. It cheered me up after the week of puke and bugs. Makena loves that there is a tiny playground next to it, and this fun stage to run around on.

We dyed eggs for Easter, and planned to turn them into deviled eggs... but I way over cooked them and we had to throw them out. April has not been a good month for our budget. We wanted to go to a local Easter egg hunt and festival, but decided to lay low and ensure Makena felt better for Easter.

Easter eve we talked about the bunny and left out a bowl of carrots. Makena wanted to put the bowl outside, so I explained again that he was coming to hide her basket, and then she put the bowl next to the front door. Lol. She woke up and we went to check the carrots. They were gone! Amazing. Then she found the eggs we hid around the living room, and then we had her look for her basket. It was inside her kitchen play set fridge, and she was thrilled when she wound it. She kept laughing, it was so adorable.

We played with her new things, ate bagels for breakfast, then got dressed and went to Ian and Colin's for an Easter egg hunt! Makena was so cute and found so many eggs! There were lots of kids but she made her way to an area where she was alone.

She did a lot of running around from all the excitement and I couldn't get a good photo so I'm thankful this one was emailed to me! I get overwhelmed by her cuteness more often than is probably normal.

We opened her eggs and she found a chocolate piece.

Thus began the day of sweets... we left and met my mom at the cottage, (she and my dad are moving in to it soon) where she had an egg hunt waiting for us. Pam and I each got candy and a movie ticket. :) Makena got more sweets, and sunflower seeds. Then we went to my parents apartment and had dinner. We had tossed around the idea of moving in to their apartment when they moved out, but didn't seriously consider it really. Well, we talked about it, weighed pros and cons, and decided to go for it. The best part will be the outdoor access for Makena. I already have plans to turn it into a fun little yard for her. And it's closer to both our jobs, and within walking distance to lots of stuff including the library. It's also marginally cheaper. It's smaller though, only 1 bedroom. The kitchen is tiny and old and there isn't a dishwasher. I absolutely love our current kitchen, with it's marble counters and brand new remodel that we were the first tenants to enjoy. But I'm trying to focus on the positives. I think we'll be plenty happy after the move and adjustment period! I loathe packing and moving, so I'm dreading it completely.

Anyways, back to the candy. Makena enjoyed candy, a cupcake, some ice cream, cookies... and then more candy. The next day I found her sneaking candies (I didn't realize the bag had a hole that she got in to!) and she flipped her lid when I cut her off. For a couple days she's been doing this at the drop of a hat-

I don't know if it's candy related or lack of sleep or both. She hasn't been sleeping well at all, I feel like a zombie. She wakes and wants to nurse all. night. long. Last night between 2-4 am she was awake and nursing. Every time she'd fall asleep I tried to roll over and sleep but she'd wake up again. So exhausting. There comes a point where I just feel so touched out and annoyed. I think she may be having nightmares, she's been talking a bit in her sleep and saying "no" and whimpering. She's been clingy and wanting the door open at night which came out of nowhere.

*Car seat safety alert! Over 2 years old and still happily rear facing!*

She's been really silly and into dancing lately, she'll move her body and shake her booty and giggle. I hope she participates in dance class and doesn't get shy on me.

I got this awesome AquaDuck thing that extends your sink faucet. She loves it, it's so much easier to reach the water and she can even take a sip, lol. We have a stool in the bathroom for her and she goes in there to wash her hands or brush her teeth all on her own. She's gotten really into flossing lately, and reminds me when I forget, which is awesome.

Chillin at Toys R Us while we killed time before picking up Pam at work.

I bought her two preschool work books. I didn't know if she'd be able to follow the directions, but I was totally blown away. All I do is read the top and she can match and draw lines and circle things. Very impressive! I knew kindergarteners who struggled with this stuff!! I also used some of her gift money and got her a little matching game. It has a fun popper with a die in it, and you pop it then match the item to your card, almost like bingo. The first player with all 5 pieces wins. It's been a huge hit! We played about 4 times today.

I know two mommy friends who went back to work this week. Then I read something online that said it was a luxury to be a stay at home mom. It rubbed me the wrong way, and I couldn't quite figure out why. I don't feel like I lead a luxurious life at all. True, being a SAHM I feel grateful, but for me there wasn't another option. I have always been clear on this issue. I didn't want to have a baby if I couldn't raise it. I'd rather live a tough financial mess of a life than be away from Makena every day. And this life isn't even close to what I thought it would be. It's so much harder than I imagined, in so many ways I never considered. Getting a full time job would absolve a lot of those hardships, and surely enrich our lives in other ways, but I'm simply not willing to sacrifice my belief that a child is best raised by their parent. And I'm really unsure why other people find offense to that. People have opposing beliefs all the time, and I can only assume it boils down to guilt.

I asked my fb friends about the luxury thing, and realized privileged is the word I was thinking of-

priv·i·lege n. 1. A special advantage, immunity, permission, right, or benefit granted to or enjoyed by an individual, class, or caste.

Yes, I feel privileged. I feel like I have the right as Makena's mom to be the one to parent her as my full time job. I've worked in 10 years worth of different nanny situations. I couldn't wait to have a child of my own and do what I'd been doing all those years. But I don't necessarily think I'm at a special advantage. I feel like I'm doing the normal thing, the tried and true method of parenting. I feel like EVERYONE should have the same right. It really saddens me that so many women go back to work with heavy hearts, mourning the loss of that time with their children. I think it monumentally sucks that our society doesn't value families enough to allow for better maternity leave. I'm not talking about moms who choose to return to work. While I don't fully understand that choice, it's the moms who feel pressured to return to work or don't have another option that I'm talking about.

This is reminding me of something. We've all heard "Breast is best" in regards to breastfeeding. There is an interesting point made that saying "breast is best" implies that formula is good, but breast is better. And really the truth is that breast is normal. Formula is artificial and NOT normal, and should be reserved as a last ditch effort. Not marketed as if it's totally fine and a good substitute for breast milk. In the feeding scale there are four options-

1. Breastfeeding from mom
2. Drinking mom's pumped milk
3. Drinking donor milk
4. Formula.

I'd even say that breastfeeding from a wet nurse should be #2, or at least #3. It's the breast milk AND act of nursing that gives all the advantages. But in our society, formula has been touted as a miracle in a can. The motive is monetary, like most things. That's good ol' America for you, thinking of money first, and then health.

Back to what I was saying... Is being a stay at home mom a privilege? Am I lucky? Does that mean it's the best option for raising a child, and working moms are just as good? Is that what that implies?

To me, being a stay at home mom doesn't even need a title. It's just the normal, natural thing to do when one has a baby. Not a special advantage. Just normal.

What could've been a tragic day...

Whenever Makena is at the playground I have thoughts of, "What if a dog ran away from it's owner and attacked her? What if she fell off the top of that play structure? What if she lost her footing and slipped down the stairs? What if, what if, what if..."

I'm not sure why I do it. I think I try to imagine the worst so that I'm not blindsided when it happens. As though picturing her falling in my head will prepare me for how to handle it in real life.

Unfortunately it just doesn't work out that way.

We had a busy day on Monday March 19th. We dropped Pam off at work then went shopping for birthday gifts and clothes for Makena. We went home for a bit and then headed to Pump It Up to play. They had a free session for facebook fans. I figured we'd kill some time there and then head to work.

Makena had a blast, the place was practically empty. We bounced and laughed and had a lot of fun. When we left we stopped in the grocery store across the street for a few things. She wanted a bag of trail mix. I let her pick the kind with the fake M&M's. We were about to head to work but got a call that there had been some puking and made the decision to not potentially expose Makena to any germies.

I had a few hours to kill before picking up Pam at work and didn't want to drive back home, so I called my mom. We were going to meet at the park near her house but then I needed to borrow her fridge to put my groceries in. I drove to her place, and then we walked to Eagle Park.

We played for a while, and my mom helped a kid get his shoe out of a tree. 

Then it was time to pack up and go, I was thinking maybe Makena and I would walk over to the library for a bit while my mom went home. We were picking up the sand toys and Makena wanted to go down the slide one more time. She started climbing up the stairs of the big play structure, the one clearly marked for 5-12 year olds. I was half watching her, half talking with my mom. We were only about 10 feet away. Then as she got up higher I realized there were too many kids up there, and I said it looked dangerous and walked over to stand closer. I stood and watched as she stepped on to the high platform. There were about 6 kids up there, I wasn't sure why they weren't going down the slide. I was glad that Makena scooted out of the way and waited her turn to go down the slide. I was concerned that maybe an older kid would cut in front of her, or that they would go down before waiting for the slide to be clear. Makena and I had eye contact. I'm sure I probably smiled and nodded to her, acknowledging that she was doing the right thing by waiting nicely.

I noticed she was back against one of those openings where kids can climb up and down, so I was about to walk under the play structure to stand directly below her. I was worried she might lose her footing or step too close to the edge. 

And then two little boys, perhaps about 5 years old, started to rough house. There was a little scuffle, some pushing and shoving, when suddenly they knocked into Makena and she went flying out the opening. Even though I saw the whole thing, even though I anticipated her possibly falling, even though I was already in motion moving towards her when it happened, I watched in horror as my baby fell. She fell SO FAST. It was about an 8 foot drop, and she fell in a V shape, butt first. As I ran with my arms stretched out the thought crossed my mind, "What will I do, can I catch her?!" But I didn't. About a foot in front of me she landed with a thud.

Her body did a horrible crumble, I still can't shake the image from my mind. She folded in half then whip-lashed and hit her head back on the sand. It happened within a split second, in the moments before I reached her. I was afraid to move her at first, but she was screaming and tried to sit up, so I figured she was okay to be moved. I scooped her up in my arms and sat there rocking her as she cried a terrified painful cry. Then my mom was right there, comforting me, as I comforted Makena. "Shh, it's okay, it's okay." I remember repeating that over and over. My mom asked if she wanted milk, and Makena said yes, so I carried her to a bench and nursed her. We looked her over and she had a bump and redness at the back/bottom of her head near her neck. I texted Pam and told her there was an emergency, that Makena fell from the top of the playground, that she was okay but I think we should go to the doctor. She replied immediately, which is rare. "Come get me." I called the doctor and told them what happened, and they said to come right in. We had to walk back to my parents apartment, then I had to buckle Makena in her car seat and drive to get Pam. I was worried about the drive. Worried Makena would fall asleep and lose consciousnesses as I drove. She was already tired, we had a long day and she didn't nap. I was a wreck driving, totally distracted and having a hard time concentrating. I kept checking her in the mirror and talking to her to make sure she was awake. I got to Pam and she drove to the doctors office while I sat in the back.

In the waiting room Makena was acting like her normal self. Laughing and playing and walking around. The doctor did a quick check and said she was fine. He didn't say she needed an x-ray or anything. He asked if she threw up more than twice. He looked at her eyes to check for dilation. He watched her run down the hallway. He said there wasn't any swelling or redness anywhere, and that a bruise might show up but maybe not. He said she is young and flexible which is good, she landed on her butt which is good, and she landed in sand, which is good. He told us that as long as she can be roused after sleeping she's fine. I joked that Makena typically wakes at least twice between going to bed and when I join her.

We left relieved and decided to go to CPK for dinner. Then we let Makena pick out a mini cupcake (she chose chocolate on chocolate) and she happily devoured it.

After her bath she fell asleep like normal, while I nursed her in bed. I went to bed feeling so thankful that what could've been a tragic day was just a lesson. A lesson I'm still trying to figure out, but a lesson indeed.

Things I love about 2 year old Makena:

The way she reaches up to hold my hand as we walk.

How daintily she splashes in the tub.

When she says, "Otay peas mommy." (Okay please Mommy) after I tell her something mundane like, "Your bath is almost ready."

How amazingly sharp her memory is!

When she asks for the "Uh schide?" while nursing (Other side.)

When out of the blue she proclaims, "I yhuve yoo too, mommy!"

When I say something hurts she kisses my boo boo.

The way she runs in circles around the living room when she's just about to go poop.

How she says, "Scuse YOU mommy!" if I bump in to her.

How she uses the back of her hand and brushes her hair out of her eyes.

When she takes me by the hand and walks me over to see something, saying, "Show you!"

That she laughs when she toots and then blows a raspberry and says, "Oh! I toot!" and laughs again.

When she sees a mommy and kid hugging in a book she always hugs me and says "Awww!"

How she tries to hold in her tears after a toy was snatched out of her hand but cries when I comfort her in my arms.

When she gets a hair in her mouth and says, "hair!" with her mouth open and tongue sticking out, waiting for me to get it.

When she hears and recognizes a song that Pam likes she says, "Oh! Ma song!"

That she says, "Sure!" all the time, and nods her head yes.

How she moos randomly when she's trying to change the subject. Lol.

When she gives me those hugs that last extra long, resting her head against my neck.

When she becomes a drama queen and hangs her head sadly and goes to a corner and lays down, covering her face. (Note: this is often brought on by her being over tired and bored.)

How much she loves shoes. She always has to try them on!

Random Thoughts

- I have a hard time sticking with just about anything. I get bored easily. They say it takes 21 days for something to become a habit. I wrote my daily email notes about Makena for months and then when I was updating this blog about our Disneyland trip I totally stopped replying to the emails asking me about my day. And now I feel like if I were to continue it would be strange to pick up after several weeks. I think I'll go back to blogging instead. We'll see.

 - Makena continues to be so incredibly amazing that I just can't believe it sometimes! I try to tell myself that all parents feel this way about their kids. Everyone thinks their kid is the most awesome thing ever. But I mean really, MAKENA IS SO FREAKIN AWESOME! I can't imagine getting so lucky as to have another kid as fantastic as she is. What if we got a kid that was super difficult or hated hugs or something?! Sure, we'd love the kid, but would we always be thinking "Dude, we should've stopped after Makena because no kid could ever compare!!" She's so sweet, and silly, and loving, and thoughtful, and smart, and kind, and funny, and beautiful, and I could go on and on about how good she is through and through and how happy she makes me. I have several moments every single day when I scream, "Omg I love her so much!" inside my head. I was laying next to her in bed the other night and she started talking in her sleep. She was asking for a kiss, and making kiss noises in her sleep! "More kiss, more kiss mommy!" I woke her up and asked, "Do you want a kiss?" and then we kissed and she fell asleep and I melted to bits.

- We are hoping we will be moving soon, an opportunity to rent an adorable cottage opened up and although there are some cons (it's smaller, higher utility costs because they are shared with the main house it sits behind, history of a bug problem, no bathtub, no dishwasher) after careful thought we believe the pros outweigh the cons. It's got a big private back yard, it's 1 mile from Pam's work eliminating her need of our car those days, has a washer and dryer in the basement, and it's just such a quaint special place. We could be really happy there, but we feel we won't be selected. At least I hope if we don't get it that my parents do! We'll see. We've already started imagining living there and I'm trying to stay open and positive but I'm already feeling pretty bummed that my hopes got up. Right now we are just waiting for a call back from the landlord so we can submit our application.

- I joined a new website where you get a box of kids clothes shipped to you every month. Because I was one of the first 100 customers they gave us an awesome referral incentive, and now I get a year of free clothes for Makena! Super exciting. We are always in need of clothes for her, and it's so fun to open the box and see what goodies she got. I've taken to being slightly obsessed with some Gymboree lines of clothes, and they are so darn expensive that it's dumb to buy them at retail prices. Well, it's dumb when we have bills that need to be paid and can't afford to buy gas. ($4.50 a gallon, again?!?!) So now I scour used clothing sites and ebay and piece together outfits. There is also a consignment store near us where I've sold some of Makena's things to earn credits. I sell stuff online too, and keep that money in my paypal account so I can use it to purchase stuff for her online.

- I want to touch on the fact that I still, 2 years later, have those same moments of panic that I've written about before. Horrible things happen every day. Children get kidnapped. Accidents happen. Really terrible evil things happen. I know this, and I've known this for a long time. It's a part of life. We just do our best to carry on and try to stay safe. But it still happens. And now that I'm a mom the thought that something awful could happen to Makena literally hurts my brain. I start to play these ridiculous what if games in my head and it gets crippling so I make myself not dwell too much. Sometimes I wonder if I'm on the verge of a panic attack, I'll be driving on the highway and imagine a car flipping over the divide and landing on us, and I think through these horrid scenarios in detail (the car is upside down and on fire and I'm trying to unbuckle Makena from her seat and she's screaming and I can't do it and people are pulling me away from the car) and I have to make myself stop thinking about it. Pam will take her to the park and I'll think "What if they get hit by a car on the way there? What if Pam has to tell me that Makena didn't make it? How would I react in that moment? How could I ever go on with my life, and why would I want to?!" I took a shower the other day and put Mickey Mouse on for Makena to watch, and as I was shampooing my hair I thought about someone breaking into our apartment and taking her, and how she's so young that she doesn't know how to get help or even say her name clearly. She could grow up in another family and never even know me. Never have a single memory of me. Sometimes I want to tattoo her with "PROPERTY OF KATY" That sounds awful, right? Of course I don't actually want to tattoo her, but it does terrify me that she could be gone and never know how to find her way back. It's not fun at all to have these thoughts. Thankfully they are few and far between. Well I don't know about that, I'd say at least twice a week I'll think this stuff. I'm not sure if there is a normal level to compare this to. But I take comfort in knowing other moms who have admitted thinking similar things. Heck, even Pam tells me stories of thoughts she's had. I'm not sure if that's what people mean when they say you worry all the time when you have a kid. I definitely wasn't prepared for this part of parenting.

- Did I mention that on February 1st she had another febrile seizure? We had a busy day, dropped Pam at work in the morning, ran some errands and came home, she didn't nap and then we went to work at 2. I guess that's a normal M/W/F day for us actually. She played and had a great time, and we left to go pick up Pam at 5pm. She was about to nod off when we pulled in to Pam's work, so she sat in the back with her on our drive home. As we got closer to home Makena was really really trying to fall asleep, and Pam was losing her battle of trying to keep her awake. We got home and I started to get dinner ready and Makena was crying and wanted to be held. I picked her up and she started to fall asleep in my arms as I put a pot of water on to boil. I passed her to Pam and then it dawned on us... the lethargy, the eyes staring, the slow quiet answers to our questions, the flushed cheeks and warm body. We suddenly knew she had a fever before we even got the thermometer out. She was acting the same exact way she was a year ago when she had that awful first febrile seizure. 101.7, immediate fever reducer medicine, a call to the advice nurse, pacing around trying to figure out if we should bring her to the ER, arguing over letting her sleep or not. It was getting close to impossible to keep her eyes open. I was freaking out. I knew she was tired. She generally is on days she doesn't nap. But she doesn't act like that. She gets whiny and sometimes loopy and loud, typical overtired behavior. This was scary. Scary because she wouldn't look at me when I called her name. Scary because her head kept slumping over. Scary in the way where I was afraid if she fell asleep she'd pass out and never wake up again. I called my mom to come over and bribed Makena with talk of Grandmo coming to play. I was hoping she'd perk up as usual and then go to bed after eating dinner. Nope, mom came over and Makena still wanted to sleep. I finally agreed to nurse her on the couch, and she immediately fell asleep. Pam held her and watched her while I researched a few things. (Allergic reaction to probiotics? She had a yogurt smoothie with them for the first time.) While Pam held her she twitched a few times, but she slept and her fever went down a bit. We went to the doctor and she was fine. He wasn't concerned. 2 days later she developed a strange rash on the backs of her knees. By that evening it was on her thighs and arms and on Feb 5th she had a couple blister looking bumps around her mouth, and on her hands, fingers, and toes. We also saw what looked like a cold sore on her gums. We're pretty sure it was Hand Foot and Mouth disease, and a few days later Colin came down with it so although Makena wasn't actually diagnosed, we feel certain that's what it was. At least that explained the fever!! Phew. Having a kid is ROUGH.

- To end on a happy note, we finger painted for the first time a couple days ago! For Christmas she got these awesome all natural paints, made from berries and basil and stuff. They are powder, and you mix in water and voila! Finger paints! Makena was not crazy about it at first. She kept asking for a paintbrush. I showed her how to get messy with it and she finally started to have fun. Although she did want me to wash her fingers after each color. Lol.

I can't believe she slept this whole time I wrote this!! I'm sure I just jinxed myself so I'm going to sign off now. ;)