10 Things Never to Say, and my responses to them.

This list of things not to say to a mom who stays home has been floating around on a bunch of the mom blogs I read, and I've been wanting to write down my responses. I don't think anyone has ever said any of these to me, but I'm sure they've thought them! And after this list I'm doing the flip side of it, with things not to say to a working mom.

10 Things Never to Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom

1. When the kids are older, do you think you'll get a real job?

A real job as in work full time out of the house? Who knows. When Pam and I wanted to start a family we decided I would get pregnant first and stay home with the baby until school started. Then I'd get a job for the hours the child was in school. Pam also likes to say that when she gets pregnant she'll stay home and do the same, but clearly our plan hasn't worked out because for one, Pam doesn't work full time. It's not like she's out supporting us with a well paying job or benefits, and I get to sit at home all the time. I work part-time as well. So when Makena is in school I will probably work more hours.

2. How June Cleaver of you!

I'm assuming this is about an old TV show? I don't know June Cleaver, but I'm picturing her as a traditional SAHM who cooks and cleans all day long and wears pretty dresses and make up and birds flock to her as she cools off freshly baked pies on the window sill. So....no. I stay home most of the time with Makena but I'm not a domestic goddess. Not even in the slightest!

3. Oh, so you don't work?

It's correct that I don't wake up in the morning, shower, put on nice clothes, leave the house and come home with a 40 hour work week. But I believe that raising children is a full time job, and quite possibly the single most important job there is! I take it seriously, just like I did when I didn't have my own child and worked taking care of others. Like I said before though, I do work very part-time, usually less than 10 hours a week. And luckily Makena either comes with me or she stays home with Pam or they both come with me. What an ideal situation!!

4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow?

Yummmm brownies! I think this is implying that since I'm at home and not at an office I have all the time in the world to bake brownies. Man I wish that were true! But I can probably make some brownies if you can drop off the ingredients. Since Pam and I share our car it means I'm usually at home but stuck, not able to drive around and run errands or shop or whatever. But if I was asked in advance I'd absolutely be happy to make brownies.

5. All day with your kids? I can't even imagine.

I won't lie, it's hard sometimes. Especially feeling like I'm deserted at home without the car. So sometimes we arrange for me to drive Pam so I can have the car and do things. Some days are more difficult than others, especially when teething is involved or one of us is in a grumpy mood. And most days by the time Pam comes home I'm ready to scream because I've had a baby attached to my boob all day and I just want a few moments to decompress, which is unfortunately exactly what Pam wants when she gets home. But I honestly can't fathom spending 8 hours a day away from my baby, all week long. I don't like leaving her for even a couple hours! Sometimes I can't wait to run to the grocery store by myself, like I did tonight while Pam bathed her. So to this I say, "All day without your kids? I can't even imagine."

6. I'm jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn't have to work either.

Hahahahahahahaha! Oh man. I'm definitely envious of couples that don't have to stress out about paying bills and rent each month. I wish we were rich and could have a second car, and live in an apartment with a yard and a/c and a washer and dryer. I wish we had money to get out of debt so the calls from collections agencies would stop. I wish we didn't have to rely on government assistance like WIC and Med-Cal. I wish a lot of things about money. But I wanted a baby more than anything else. Makena is a true dream come true! We made the decision that it's more important to us that our child is raised by her parents than to have someone else raise her. And we made that decision knowing that we'd have to cut corners. A lot of corners. It's a struggle, but I wouldn't change it if that meant I couldn't be home with her!

7. What do you do all day, anyway?

I seriously don't know. Some days are such a blur that I don't know what I've done. Usually I nothing. Except of course raise my child. lol. I don't usually shower, we play with her toys, I make breakfast, I go online while she plays on her own, change diapers, do puzzles, read books, have a snack, nurse, change into clothes, go for a walk to see the ducks at the fountain or play at the park, nurse, put Makena down for a nap, eat lunch, nurse, read more books, usually watch some Sesame Street (especially in the hour before Pam get's home,) have a snack, play with toys, eat dinner, give her a bath, read stories, and put her to bed. You'll notice I didn't say clean the house. Because I don't. I might clean the dishes or do a load of laundry, but I do NOT spend a lot of time cleaning up. I'm usually on the floor with Makena, or we are out, or I'm on the couch nursing her, or I'm on the computer, or laying with her while she naps. Pretty exciting stuff huh!?

8. I'm sure you're not the only one who's ever wasted money on a college degree.

I never got a college degree because being a stay at home mom was the only career I ever wanted. I didn't waste any money at all, and I don't regret it for one second! A college degree would have given me nothing in life. A baby has given me everything.

9. That explains why your son is so clingy!

First of all, I have a daughter. ;) And she isn't clingy at all. She's a happy, friendly, silly, well-adjusted toddler. Is it common for SAHM's to have clingy kids? I haven't heard that before?

10. Weird. I assumed your house would be super clean.

See above. Definitely not super clean. If someone were to stop by unexpected I'd probably have to quickly get dirty clothes off the bathroom floor and pick up piles of junk from the recliner so they'd have a place to sit. I'd throw a sheet over the couch since I wouldn't have time to remove all the cat hair. I'd warn them to not go into the kitchen because the dishes are probably still on the counter from last nights dinner. The recycling bin is overflowing and there's flattened boxes and egg cartons under the table. And the floors all need to be swept and mopped and vacuumed. Are we disgusting slobs? Not at all. But we are cluttered, living in a small space with too much stuff. Neither Pam nor I are neat-freaks, so we let things slide until we feel like cleaning up. I'm always in awe of other SAHM's who have pristine households and meals cooked in time. Sometimes I wish I was that pulled together, but usually this works fine for me!

And now, for the other list! I'll admit I've often wondered some of these.

10 Things Never to Say to a Working Mom

1. It must be hard missing all those special moments every day.

This should seriously go without saying, right? It's only to cause guilt! Of COURSE it's gotta be hard missing all those special moments every day! Or do some people honestly not care? Do some people really enjoy working and think their kids are a pain and are happy to be away from them for so many hours?? I hope not!

2. I suppose it's smart that you're working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day.

What?! I can't even begin to try and make sense of this.

3. I'm surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful.

I usually AM surprised when moms choose to return to work. It makes me sad that so many do. I wish we were like other countries that allowed moms to stay home with their babies for a year after birth. Plus every mom I know who has gone back to work has either struggled to continue breastfeeding or had to exclusively pump. If only our culture put more of an emphasis on moms focusing on raising their children, and the government supported that.

4. It's cute when they call your nanny "Mama."

Has someone EVER said that before?? Awful. And having worked as a nanny let me say that I would be HORRIFIED.

5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day.

I don't think it's a matter of love. Well I guess working moms could say that they love their kids too much to not raise them in a financially stable home. So I guess it just depends on your values. People might think it's foolish of us that we don't have a college savings account for Makena. Or a savings account period. But I come from the thinking point of "What if we never make it to tomorrow? All our planning would've been wasted, and we should have spent more time on what really mattered." I mean, No Day But Today, right? ;)

6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care?

Bad things happen all the time, day care or not. Did you see the 8 car pile up on the freeway? Chances are one of those cars belonged to a SAHM and her kids were in the back.

7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that's just me!

That's true. I never would choose to have a baby then choose to have someone else raise her. I think the opposite of this is, "I could never raise my child all day long!" which is plain stupid and in that case I'm glad someone else is raising your kids.

8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else's mom.

Ahh, but most of the time my mom WAS home after school. :) One of the best lessons I've learned from her is to make it work so you can stay at home and raise your children. It's a wonderful gift!

9. You must feel so guilty.

Yikes. I feel guilty about all sorts of things, but at least I am blessed to be home with Makena. To me there was no other option. I wouldn't have wanted a baby if I couldn't stay home with it. I feel like my purpose and destiny in life was to be a mom. And to me, that means being a full time mom. I wonder if moms who work full time feel guilty, or if they are just so in love with working at their jobs that they don't think about it that way? I know some moms who returned to work after their maternity leave ended, only to cut back their hours and eventually quit their job all together. I know other moms who continue to work full time. I don't know if it's because they feel they have to or because they want to. I guess it doesn't matter. I would imagine they'd feel badly about being away from their children, but maybe they think of it differently? To me, guilt implies you know you are doing something wrong. So I don't think guilty is what they'd feel, because if they did have guilt I'd wonder why on Earth they are still working??

10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go.

The moms I know who work full time are WAY better about keeping up on housework! I'm in total awe of it.

She talks!

We were at Target browsing the books and Makena was studying the "red" page of a children's book of colors. I sat down next to her on the floor in the middle of the aisle and asked her what each thing was.

"What's this?""Buh!"
"A balloon, yes! What's this?"
"Buh!"
"I know, that's a button. What's this?"
"Buh!"
"Yep, a strawberry! What's this one?"
"Buh!"
"That's right, a ball! And what is this last one?"
"Buh!"
"Yes! A ladybug! It's a bug!"

She is seriously so incredibly smart.

I still have moments of sheer panic.

A couple weeks ago I was standing at the sink and Makena was dropping her bath toys into the empty tub. We were about to take a bath, but I hadn't started the water yet. She was undressed though, and I heard her whimpering and saying, "Ehhhh! Ehhhh!" and I ignored her for a second but it quickly turned into "EHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I turned around and she had half fallen into the tub and was stuck. Her naked belly was pinned on the metal shower door rail and her head was tipped into the tub while her legs were sticking straight out. I turned her right side up and she was crying and had a long red mark on her stomach. :( I think she'd been trying to reach for a toy in the tub and flipped into it but not all the way down so she was stuck.

I've been thinking about it a lot.

What if I had started the bath water? What if I hadn't drained it after a bath? What if it was the toilet?

When Makena was first born the "what if's" almost paralyzed me. Heck, when she was still in utero it was hard enough!! I'm a worrier, what can I say. I want to be prepared for the worst.

The worst happened on that day in February when she had a febrile seizure and lost consciousness. It haunts me that for some mothers, that is the end. One moment they are holding their baby, singing a song, and the next thing they know their child is gone forever. But for us, Makena was okay. It was terrifying, but she was okay. I saw a tv story about a woman who lost her daughter when she was 13 months old, in a freak accident. Makena was 13 months old when her ordeal happened. And we're lucky. We're SO lucky that THAT is the worst for us.

Every day is with Makena is pure joy. Sure there are tough days, lately she has been clingy and fussy and wants to nurse 24/7, but even the "hard" days are a million times better than any day before she was part of our lives. I might complain about how frustrating it is that she doesn't nap or sleep well, but really, in the grand scheme of things, we are so blessed.

Yet I can't stop the horrid thoughts of all the "what if's." Once when Makena was about 8 months old I was laying in bed with her while Pam was at work, and I heard the front door open. I brushed it off as just a crazy paranoia, surely the door had been locked. Then I heard footsteps. I told myself it was just the cat. I listened harder. There was nothing. I was just being crazy. But then I heard a noise in the livingroom, and I thought about my baby sleeping next to me and my eyes flickered to the window. We are on the 2nd floor, but if I had to drop her out of the window to save her, I'd do it and hope someone would find her in the lawn below.

I listened again and breathed a sigh of relief when I knew for certain there wasn't an intruder. Then the bedroom door was pushed open a crack and Pam gave me a silent hello wave.

I froze for a second. There WAS someone the whole time. I wasn't crazy.

Scenarios like that happen way more frequently than I wish. I will be pushing Makena in the stroller on a walk to the park and a car will loud music will drive by and I'll imagine them reaching for a CD and losing control and the car will come barreling into us. I can be watching Pam carry Makena down the stairs and see them tripping and tumbling down onto the concrete. Actually sometimes I'LL be walking down the stairs with Makena and imagine that.

The other day I was at work and Pam was home with Makena. We had sent a few texts back and forth like we always keep in contact most of the day. I never got a reply to my last text, and when I got in the car an hour later I sent a text saying I was on my way home, like we always do. And as I started to drive home I was thinking of how odd it was to not have a response in over an hour. So I tried calling. No answer. I sent another text. I tried calling again. At first I reasoned that Pam must not be hearing the phone. Maybe she left it inside and they were playing on the grass. Maybe the battery had died. But I couldn't stop pressing re-dial and pleading that she'd answer the phone and calm my fears. Yes, maybe she simply didn't hear the phone, maybe she didn't realize it was on silent. But what if she was dead?

Sounds drastic, I know, but I was panicking. In my mind I saw Pam and Makena passed out from a gas leak, sprawled on the floor. I saw them bloodied at the bottom of the stairs. I saw them as victims of a serial killer. I saw them in black bags being pushed into coroners trucks. I raced home in tears, I passed 2 (TWO!!) car accidents on my way, and I fully expected to find an ambulance when I turned on my street. I never stopped hitting re-dial. I left a couple of panicked voice mails for Pam, and imagined myself listening to them on her phone days later after finding out I had no family left anymore.

I was about to get home when Pam sent me a text message telling me to calm down, everything was fine. I walked in the door and hugged my baby close. They had been busy playing and for some reason she hadn't gotten my texts or calls until right before the moment she texted me back. I looked at her phone and it was true, but compared with my phones history, it didn't make sense.

Needless to say, I overreacted. I know that. But that day COULD have been the end. People all over the world have to live through the reality that their children and loved ones will never come back. I'm terrified of having to say on a talk show some day, "I never expected it to happen to me." Because while I certainly don't expect it, I do think about it. I don't want to be caught thinking that I never saw it coming. Just like when I was pregnant, and afraid that something happened to the baby. I wouldn't feel any movement, and I'd immediately think the worst. If I could go back in time I wish I could have simply enjoyed my pregnancy more. I loved being pregnant. I hope desperately that I can be pregnant again. But sometimes I was so anxious that it really took away from me having a blissful pregnancy.

It's exhausting when these waves of paranoia happen. Luckily it's not constant, otherwise I think I'd need to be committed because it would literally drive me crazy. And I did think I was completely off my rocker and alone in having these awful thoughts until Pam confessed she has the same flashes of falling down the stairs or a random drive-by shooter.

But as scary as it is, I remind myself that I can't continue to live my life if I let myself be debilitated by bad imaginings! So I let myself think the bad thoughts, and then I consciously push them away. It's almost like I tell myself this in my head- Okay, I thought of the worst case scenario, so I am not going to be blind sighted if this comes true. I want to focus on this moment right now though, so I'm making the choice to stop thinking bad things.

And sometimes that works. Other times I just have to get home as quickly as possible and hug my baby.

Mother's Day 2011

Today was our second mother's day!!

I can't believe Makena is old enough that now we are repeating holidays.

We went to Carmel-by-the-Sea with my mom. It's about an hour and a half drive from here, and Makena was a super trooper in the car! It helped I'm sure that my mom sat in the back with her. Some people probably think it's crazy that we didn't make my mom sit in the front seat which is undoubtedly more comfortable. But, knowing my mom, she prefers to be where Makena is and she's great at keeping her entertained so it worked out perfectly! We left the house early, and got to The Tuck Box, me and Pam's favorite scone place and ate breakfast. Then we walked around searching for geocaches, which is a fairly new fun hobby we've picked up. And we stopped by the beach to let Makena see the ocean for the first time.

Sidenote: There were SO many things we couldn't wait to do with a baby some day, like go to the beach, the zoo, the aquarium, story time at the library... and somehow we get busy and haven't done ANY of those things yet and 15 months have already gone by!! And we will have to go back to the beach again soon, once it's warm and we can bring bathing suits and sand toys. :)

She loved the water and cried when we left. And it was freezing!!

The wonderful things

We went through some REALLY tough sleep problems within the last month, and then, out of the blue, one night Makena went to bed and slept awesomely. And then the streak was over and it was really great! It's still not perfect/ideal, and we think part of the sleep issues are from the warm weather and longer daylight hours. It's just an adjustment we need to figure out. And it sucks.

I complain about Makena's sleep a lot. But there is SO much that she is amazing at. I daily think of little things that I never want to forget about her and tuck them away in my head to blog about later. But ever since getting pregnant with her, my brain hasn't been at it's best. lol. So when I sit down to write, I usually draw a blank. I'm vowing to change that. I hope to write weekly. While pregnant I wrote sometimes multiple times a day! Then again while pregnant I had hours and hours all day long to fill with whatever I wanted to do. And now my hours are spent with this most incredible little being.

In random order, awesome things that Makena does that need to be remembered-

She will stay still and let me clip her nails as she sits on my lap and watches Sesame Street.

She comes when I call her. (The vast majority of the time at least!)

She loves eating broccoli!

She will bring things to and from Pam and I when asked. (This is super handy!)

After she trips and falls she stands up and brushes her hands off.

She gives kisses if I pucker my lips and make kissy sounds at her. lol.

She signs for "help" when she wants something or is stuck/needs assistance.

She is friendly, oh so friendly!

She is funny. Really funny. And she knows it.

She is so full of joy. I think of her, and the first thought is how joyful she is.

She has an awesome attention span.

She loves books!

She memorizes hand motions for songs and books insanely fast.

When she hears a plane she looks up to the sky until she finds it.

She rocks her baby doll against her chest.

She loves to nurse!

She pets Donte gently (FINALLY!)

She is so adventurous and loves to climb.

She will sit in the swings forever.

She dances when she hears music. (Today at the farmer's market, we walked past a man playing his guitar. She stopped to stare at him, then started to dance a bit. He morphed the song he was playing into "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and started to sing a slow bluesy version of it. Makena immediately did the hand motions and it was probably the cutest thing to happen in the world today. People walking by stopped to watch her, and soon there was a huge crowd stopped in the middle of the street commenting on how adorable my baby is! Proud mommy moment!)

She can "jump" and spin in a circle.

She can spot a Sesame Street character from a mile away. Even if it's just a kid wearing a Bert beanie. lol.

She loves belly buttons.

She pats your back as she gives a hug.

And there is so much more about her that's awesome. Obviously. But she's in need of a diaper change now so I need to go. :) She's laying on the blanket patting a clean diaper against her butt. lol.

What a 15 month old looks like-

Just a regular day for Makena!

Bagels for breakfast!



Putting coins in her bank!

Nap time!


At Gymboree class!

Just being a cutie!


Smelling the flowers!

Date Night #4

Tonight Pam and I went to dinner at The Melting Pot to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary.

It was our 4th time (in over 14 months) that we've left Makena and gone somewhere by ourselves.

We had a great time, and Makena had a great time with Catriona and the boys. It's really awesome to have somewhere where we know she is safe and comfortable. :)

If we could go back in time I wonder if we'd make ourselves have more together time. Part of us knows we need it for our relationship, but we also just don't like to be without Makena! It's a difficult catch 22.

We were gone for 5 hours. So for 5 hours of today, Makena did/experienced things and I have no idea what. She played, ate, played some more. Played in the backyard. Cried when she got frustrated. Listened to stories. Laughed.

But I just lost 5 hours with her.

I seriously cannot IMAGINE leaving her for 8 hours a day. Really. Just knowing we missed out on 5 hours makes me sad. I can't imagine having only a couple hours together each day. It's always been a given that when Pam and I had a baby I'd stay home to raise the baby, "no ifs ands or butts!!" The issue wasn't debatable at all. I want to be a full time mom. It's hard. There are tough days where I think how glorious it would be to escape to "work" for an entire day. Then I realize that I might not have been there to discover her first tooth. To see her roll over and then take those first steps. To hear her first words and laugh.

Working as a nanny I experienced many moments of witnessing a baby's first milestone. It's heartbreaking! Those should be kept for the parents eyes only!

And Makena is growing and learning and changing so much every day. Within 8 hours she can master a new skill. Speak a new word. Have a new trick!

As of now, she says-
Mama
oh-NO!
ba-ba (ball/baby)
buh (bubbles/belly button/balloon)
Mo-mo (Elmo)
muh (milk)
ish (fish/shoe/this)
...and something that sounds like Donte but we can't be sure just yet. :)

She can match the right colors for her stacking toy.

We're always amazed at how smart she is. She will bring you things when you ask for them, or put them back where you say. She can follow most directions and is happy to help with anything you need! She will grab a diaper and lay down on a blanket when it's time for a diaper change. She's seriously a genius.

And oh so cute too!

We've been going to the park a lot lately. The weather has been warming up and we live within walking distance to a few parks. On Saturdays we go to the Farmer's Market.

One of these days I want to sit and type out a huge post catching up on everything. I just get so busy with, you know, living life and loving this amazing baby!