10 Things Never to Say, and my responses to them.

This list of things not to say to a mom who stays home has been floating around on a bunch of the mom blogs I read, and I've been wanting to write down my responses. I don't think anyone has ever said any of these to me, but I'm sure they've thought them! And after this list I'm doing the flip side of it, with things not to say to a working mom.

10 Things Never to Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom

1. When the kids are older, do you think you'll get a real job?

A real job as in work full time out of the house? Who knows. When Pam and I wanted to start a family we decided I would get pregnant first and stay home with the baby until school started. Then I'd get a job for the hours the child was in school. Pam also likes to say that when she gets pregnant she'll stay home and do the same, but clearly our plan hasn't worked out because for one, Pam doesn't work full time. It's not like she's out supporting us with a well paying job or benefits, and I get to sit at home all the time. I work part-time as well. So when Makena is in school I will probably work more hours.

2. How June Cleaver of you!

I'm assuming this is about an old TV show? I don't know June Cleaver, but I'm picturing her as a traditional SAHM who cooks and cleans all day long and wears pretty dresses and make up and birds flock to her as she cools off freshly baked pies on the window sill. So....no. I stay home most of the time with Makena but I'm not a domestic goddess. Not even in the slightest!

3. Oh, so you don't work?

It's correct that I don't wake up in the morning, shower, put on nice clothes, leave the house and come home with a 40 hour work week. But I believe that raising children is a full time job, and quite possibly the single most important job there is! I take it seriously, just like I did when I didn't have my own child and worked taking care of others. Like I said before though, I do work very part-time, usually less than 10 hours a week. And luckily Makena either comes with me or she stays home with Pam or they both come with me. What an ideal situation!!

4. Since you have extra time on your hands, could you whip up a few dozen brownies for the bake sale tomorrow?

Yummmm brownies! I think this is implying that since I'm at home and not at an office I have all the time in the world to bake brownies. Man I wish that were true! But I can probably make some brownies if you can drop off the ingredients. Since Pam and I share our car it means I'm usually at home but stuck, not able to drive around and run errands or shop or whatever. But if I was asked in advance I'd absolutely be happy to make brownies.

5. All day with your kids? I can't even imagine.

I won't lie, it's hard sometimes. Especially feeling like I'm deserted at home without the car. So sometimes we arrange for me to drive Pam so I can have the car and do things. Some days are more difficult than others, especially when teething is involved or one of us is in a grumpy mood. And most days by the time Pam comes home I'm ready to scream because I've had a baby attached to my boob all day and I just want a few moments to decompress, which is unfortunately exactly what Pam wants when she gets home. But I honestly can't fathom spending 8 hours a day away from my baby, all week long. I don't like leaving her for even a couple hours! Sometimes I can't wait to run to the grocery store by myself, like I did tonight while Pam bathed her. So to this I say, "All day without your kids? I can't even imagine."

6. I'm jealous. I wish my husband were rich so I wouldn't have to work either.

Hahahahahahahaha! Oh man. I'm definitely envious of couples that don't have to stress out about paying bills and rent each month. I wish we were rich and could have a second car, and live in an apartment with a yard and a/c and a washer and dryer. I wish we had money to get out of debt so the calls from collections agencies would stop. I wish we didn't have to rely on government assistance like WIC and Med-Cal. I wish a lot of things about money. But I wanted a baby more than anything else. Makena is a true dream come true! We made the decision that it's more important to us that our child is raised by her parents than to have someone else raise her. And we made that decision knowing that we'd have to cut corners. A lot of corners. It's a struggle, but I wouldn't change it if that meant I couldn't be home with her!

7. What do you do all day, anyway?

I seriously don't know. Some days are such a blur that I don't know what I've done. Usually I nothing. Except of course raise my child. lol. I don't usually shower, we play with her toys, I make breakfast, I go online while she plays on her own, change diapers, do puzzles, read books, have a snack, nurse, change into clothes, go for a walk to see the ducks at the fountain or play at the park, nurse, put Makena down for a nap, eat lunch, nurse, read more books, usually watch some Sesame Street (especially in the hour before Pam get's home,) have a snack, play with toys, eat dinner, give her a bath, read stories, and put her to bed. You'll notice I didn't say clean the house. Because I don't. I might clean the dishes or do a load of laundry, but I do NOT spend a lot of time cleaning up. I'm usually on the floor with Makena, or we are out, or I'm on the couch nursing her, or I'm on the computer, or laying with her while she naps. Pretty exciting stuff huh!?

8. I'm sure you're not the only one who's ever wasted money on a college degree.

I never got a college degree because being a stay at home mom was the only career I ever wanted. I didn't waste any money at all, and I don't regret it for one second! A college degree would have given me nothing in life. A baby has given me everything.

9. That explains why your son is so clingy!

First of all, I have a daughter. ;) And she isn't clingy at all. She's a happy, friendly, silly, well-adjusted toddler. Is it common for SAHM's to have clingy kids? I haven't heard that before?

10. Weird. I assumed your house would be super clean.

See above. Definitely not super clean. If someone were to stop by unexpected I'd probably have to quickly get dirty clothes off the bathroom floor and pick up piles of junk from the recliner so they'd have a place to sit. I'd throw a sheet over the couch since I wouldn't have time to remove all the cat hair. I'd warn them to not go into the kitchen because the dishes are probably still on the counter from last nights dinner. The recycling bin is overflowing and there's flattened boxes and egg cartons under the table. And the floors all need to be swept and mopped and vacuumed. Are we disgusting slobs? Not at all. But we are cluttered, living in a small space with too much stuff. Neither Pam nor I are neat-freaks, so we let things slide until we feel like cleaning up. I'm always in awe of other SAHM's who have pristine households and meals cooked in time. Sometimes I wish I was that pulled together, but usually this works fine for me!

And now, for the other list! I'll admit I've often wondered some of these.

10 Things Never to Say to a Working Mom

1. It must be hard missing all those special moments every day.

This should seriously go without saying, right? It's only to cause guilt! Of COURSE it's gotta be hard missing all those special moments every day! Or do some people honestly not care? Do some people really enjoy working and think their kids are a pain and are happy to be away from them for so many hours?? I hope not!

2. I suppose it's smart that you're working. You know, in case your husband leaves you some day.

What?! I can't even begin to try and make sense of this.

3. I'm surprised you went back to work. Your husband seems so successful.

I usually AM surprised when moms choose to return to work. It makes me sad that so many do. I wish we were like other countries that allowed moms to stay home with their babies for a year after birth. Plus every mom I know who has gone back to work has either struggled to continue breastfeeding or had to exclusively pump. If only our culture put more of an emphasis on moms focusing on raising their children, and the government supported that.

4. It's cute when they call your nanny "Mama."

Has someone EVER said that before?? Awful. And having worked as a nanny let me say that I would be HORRIFIED.

5. I just love my kids too much to leave them during the day.

I don't think it's a matter of love. Well I guess working moms could say that they love their kids too much to not raise them in a financially stable home. So I guess it just depends on your values. People might think it's foolish of us that we don't have a college savings account for Makena. Or a savings account period. But I come from the thinking point of "What if we never make it to tomorrow? All our planning would've been wasted, and we should have spent more time on what really mattered." I mean, No Day But Today, right? ;)

6. Did you see Dateline? The one with the hidden camera in the day care?

Bad things happen all the time, day care or not. Did you see the 8 car pile up on the freeway? Chances are one of those cars belonged to a SAHM and her kids were in the back.

7. I could never let someone else raise my children. But that's just me!

That's true. I never would choose to have a baby then choose to have someone else raise her. I think the opposite of this is, "I could never raise my child all day long!" which is plain stupid and in that case I'm glad someone else is raising your kids.

8. I hated my mom because she was never home after school like everyone else's mom.

Ahh, but most of the time my mom WAS home after school. :) One of the best lessons I've learned from her is to make it work so you can stay at home and raise your children. It's a wonderful gift!

9. You must feel so guilty.

Yikes. I feel guilty about all sorts of things, but at least I am blessed to be home with Makena. To me there was no other option. I wouldn't have wanted a baby if I couldn't stay home with it. I feel like my purpose and destiny in life was to be a mom. And to me, that means being a full time mom. I wonder if moms who work full time feel guilty, or if they are just so in love with working at their jobs that they don't think about it that way? I know some moms who returned to work after their maternity leave ended, only to cut back their hours and eventually quit their job all together. I know other moms who continue to work full time. I don't know if it's because they feel they have to or because they want to. I guess it doesn't matter. I would imagine they'd feel badly about being away from their children, but maybe they think of it differently? To me, guilt implies you know you are doing something wrong. So I don't think guilty is what they'd feel, because if they did have guilt I'd wonder why on Earth they are still working??

10. I wish I were as laid-back as you and could just let the housework go.

The moms I know who work full time are WAY better about keeping up on housework! I'm in total awe of it.