Had a great time at the parade as usual. I love taking her to events that I enjoyed as a kid. :) Soon after that it was time for Makena's first field trip with our preschool class! We went to Hidden Villa, a local farm that I've actually never been to before, so I was really looking forward to it. Pam took the day off to join us. We were all so excited!! Unfortunately it was pouring rain. We dressed warmly in layers and put borrowed rain boots on Makena and made the most of it. The farm passed out ponchos for everyone. We weren't going to let a little wetness ruin our fun day!
The kids toured the gardens and sampled some fruits and veggies in a little hut. We saw animals and got to go inside a lot of the pens and barns for up close encounters. Makena's spirits were a bit down, we assumed it was just cumbersome to be in a huge poncho and the rain was annoying.
A highlight was seeing the baby piglets nursing. A lowlight was knowing these pigs are headed to a butcher in a few months. :( At least their short lives are spent at a sustainable farm with keepers who treat them kindly. I'm not sure how and when the conversations will begin with Makena about why we are vegetarians. I was raised one myself, and eating animals has always seemed like the craziest thing in the world. She already laughs and thinks it's funny that people eat chicken, I think she thinks it's some silly joke, because all she knows of a chicken is that it's animal, not that people kill them and eat them. Ending that innocence is something I'm not looking forward to.
As the tour was ending, Makena started to whine, and then cry. She was driving us crazy because she was just so grumpy. We even left the group while visiting the goats to take a little break, but she continued to whine. So we were frustrated and said "Fine, we'll go home" and started the somewhat longish walk back to the car. Makena was dragging behind, still crying. She didn't want to be held, cried harder when we picked her up. Finally I told Pam to just grab her and we hurried back. We got to the covered pavilion and took off her poncho and realized she was completely soaked. I took off her jacket, and her shirt underneath, pants, and underwear were all wet. Socks were wet too. So wet I was wringing water out of them. Mom fail. We felt AWFUL. No wonder the poor kid was grumpy, and all things considered she was really holding it together quite well! We changed her into dry clothes and skipped having lunch with the class to go home. She kept talking about how wet and cold she was. We seriously felt like the worst moms ever. We've vowed to make up the farm trip for her! And my very generous friend Erin felt so bad for Makena that she bought her an adorable lady bug rain jacket. :) And for Christmas my sister bought Makena adorable red polka dot Minnie Mouse rain boots. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
December was sort of a rough month. Makena was having a tough time more often than usual. A lot of tears and tantrums. A lot of behavior that was making me start to question my parenting style, something I've always felt so totally solid with. I respect her, I follow her cues, I spend pretty much 24/7 with her... I give so much of myself (which is so draining to my own sanity at times!) to ensure she's getting the best and everything she deserves. So why was my hard work producing a child who screams at me and stomps her feet angrily over the tiniest things?? It was a very difficult time. I kept thinking, "This is a phase, it's developmentally appropriate, we've had rough patches in the past and she outgrows them and is back to her sweet self eventually!" but I still had the nagging doubt that maybe this time it wasn't a phase, maybe this is the start of her turning into a bratty spoiled kid. Ugh, even writing that makes me shudder.
Of course in the midst of that tough month there were amazing moments. She was still joyful and loving and sweet and kind at times. But there were also moments that people would see her and probably think, "Wow, what a sad miserable child, what's wrong with her home life?!" It was really making me sad. And then I thought about it a bit more. She's almost 3, and I've always felt from my years of child care experience that year 3 is the toughest age, not the terrible twos. And she's been experiencing some changes in her life, like me being gone a couple nights per week to babysit. She's home with Pam, her other mom for goodness sake, so it's not like I'm leaving her with some stranger babysitter. But still it's a fairly new change having Pam put her to bed. And with the holidays and our daily schedule shifting around a bunch, I knew there was an air of change that was probably putting us both off kilter a bit.
I was also worried I was just making excuses for her behavior, so it took some soul searching on my end to reaffirm that I do know what I'm doing and that my sacrifices will be worth it. Eventually she started to return to her normal self, which has been a huge sigh of relief. :)
We went to the Mountain View tree lighting ceremony and had fun in the snow play area. Makena's first snow experience!
This was her face when Santa arrived. We didn't meet him, we planned to take her to the Stanford mall like the last 2 years for her Santa photo.
One day we were at home and I was on the computer while Makena was drawing. She showed me this letter M that she did all by herself!
Then she made a self portrait. Eyes, teeth, legs, and arms with hands. I was impressed!
She also dictated a letter to Santa. So funny! I loved hearing what she asked for. We mailed it off to Santa and awaited her personalized reply!
She caught a little cold and was a sick snuggle bug for a while, coughing and sleeping more than usual. Lots of snuggling on the couch for both of us. It did us well to stay home and connect.
On Friday December 14th, the day of the horrific school shooting at Sandy Hook, Makena and I were having breakfast at my mom's house. I turned on the news and my first thoughts were, "Oh god not again, what's wrong with people, when will this stop?!" And those are valid understandable thoughts. But my first thoughts should have been, "Oh my god, WHAT?!?! Is this real or a horror movie?!" It saddens me immensely that school shootings are so common nowadays that we aren't shocked. I mean, of COURSE we are shocked, a mass murder is (hopefully?!) never going to be non-shocking, but the fact that someone opened fire in a classroom is nothing new. Since 1996 there have been over 50 school shootings in America alone. How messed up is that? How cruel is this world where kids go to school and get murdered? And now all the NRA wackos are demanding MORE guns?! Armed teachers?? I will absolutely never send my child to a school where there is a gun in the classroom. I'm so uncomfortable around guns that I feel uneasy when there are police near me. Knowing that a person has the ability to purposefully (or accidentally!) instantly end my life is a terrifying thought for me. It doesn't make me feel safe at all. It just makes me sad, so unbelievably sad that weapons are even around.
It's no surprise that hearing of this latest tragedy (actually, there have apparently been 2 more school shootings since then, if you can effing believe that) has only made me feel even stronger about finding an alternative to public school for Makena. Not to say this can't happen at a private or alternative school. But I've always felt hesitant to send my children to school. Homeschooling seems too overwhelming for me to do alone. When I dig deeper, and realize the different layers and approaches to homeschooling, and the various ways to get support, it does seem doable. We'll see what ends up happening. I'd love to have a neighborhood school with staff and classmates that we adored. It'd be easier for sure. But parenting has reminded me constantly that what's easiest for me is often not what's best for Makena.
Anyways. I could go on and on about my thoughts on formal education. I'll save it for another post!
Makena had a lot of fun with my parents battery powered pepper grinder. She put pepper on her eggs and potatoes and toast and ketchup. And our food too.
Later she and I had lunch at Panera. Part of me feels so beyond lucky that I get to spend my days with her, but then I think about it and feel like it's not really luck. I choose to live the life we live. It's been a deliberate choice to make less money and survive on a bit more than 1 meager income so I can be home with her. I do feel lucky that I get to bring her to work with me part time, and that Pam can stay with her in the evenings when I work. I'm working about 10-12 hours a week now, and she's with me for half of that. I know compared to other people that's such a light work load, and it is, I agree! But taking the time to raise her is worth more to me than money is. Whenever I joke that I wish I married a doctor I know it's a joke because I would hate to be married to someone who is never around, regardless of how much money they made.
Because life isn't about money. It's about the everyday moments of enjoying some mac and cheese, iced tea, and a cookie.
We went with Pam while she was babysitting one day, and we attempted a bike ride. We only got half way around the block before Makena was crying and sad that she couldn't keep up with the big kids. :( And since we were on bikes too, we couldn't walk with her, so we all had to turn back. We took them to the park instead.
Christmas was kind of on the back burner because we really wanted to visit Pam's family. Then we heard they'd be in Denver, which is closer and Pam has more friends there so we really REALLY wanted to somehow make that trip happen. Alas, we were worried we wouldn't have enough money for rent due to us both having 2 weeks off work, so when presented with an opportunity to house/pet sit locally, we jumped on it. And we finally got a tree and started decorating a week before Christmas!
Makena loved singing Christmas carols. She's still singing them, and it makes my heart so happy when she sings! Such a joyful sound. Oh I love her.
We went to see Santa and Makena was so excited. We got to the mall early and were the 2nd family in line. After enjoying some hot chocolate he finally arrived, and Makena waved happily. Then it was about to be our turn and she wanted to be held and I could tell she wasn't going to sit on his lap. So I sat down next to the jolly fellow, and he spoke to Makena and asked what she wanted (a doll) and then she sat on his knee while still holding on to me. They cropped me out of the photo. It's a nervous smile, but at least the encounter wasn't negative! He gave her a stuffed reindeer and she wanted to stay and watch other kids meet him.
A couple days later her letter from Santa arrived! She was thrilled!
I love how they (student volunteers at the rec center!) replied to her letter. I was getting all choked up reading it to her. She kept looking at me with wide eyes, gasping about how Santa wrote a letter just for her.
We babysat Emily for 2 days and that was fun,except for the parts when Makena yelled at her so often for touching her toys that she taught her how to say no. :-/ I can't believe Makena's about to turn 3 (THREE!!!!) and she doesn't have a sibling yet. I really want her to have a sibling. I think it would be the best gift ever for her to have a special playmate, a brother or sister to learn from and teach. My siblings and I are all 6 years apart and I don't want that large of a spacing. Maybe this year will finally be the time we add to our family! I just wish it was as easy as it is for so many other couples.
Moving on... we did lots of cookie baking/decorating/eating.
We did some last minute shopping the weekend before Christmas and Pam suggested that Makena could make a Build-a-Bear. She had a great time, until of course we were done spending $70 (SEVENTY!!!!) and she threw a huge fit. I don't even remember what it was about, but I know we were all hungry and tired so we headed home.
On the last day of preschool before the winter break Makena learned how to pedal a trike! She was so proud. I love watching her grow. It's still such a trip that she's real.
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