Screen Free Day!

Makena's summer bucket list included a day at home with no screen time. We don't really limit screens because they aren't usually a problem for us. Makena watches WAY more TV and has more time on the iPad than other kids we know, but she also doesn't crave or demand them as much. She will turn them off and go play when she feels like it, and she's learned so much that I see them as a valuable tool. She's not a child who doesn't get enough interaction from me, that's for sure! So, I thought her request to go screen free was interesting. I kept a (pen and paper!) log of how our day went-


7:30am I woke up, Makena was already awake and in the living room with Pam who was getting ready to leave for work.

7:45 Played with My Little Pony toys

8:00 Made signs and taped them to our phones, the laptop, the ipad, and covered the tv. (I cheated for 3 seconds just to snap this photo!)

8:15 Hadley woke up

8:20 Makena helped me make french toast for breakfast

8:30 Ate

8:55 Read to Hadley while Makena played with toys.

9:15 I brought out the wooden train track. Hadley just wanted to collect all the pieces and put them in a pile in her lap.

9:30 Washed the dishes while the kids continued playing.

9:45 Nursed Hadley, felt bored and wanted to check my phone. Hadley pointed at the TV and says "off!!" (meaning she wanted me to take that sign off and turn on the TV.)

9:55 We go out to the patio, I sweep and clean up while the kids play.

10:15 Gathered all the dirty clothes together to do laundry, told Makena to watch Hadley for a minute while I ran to the laundry room, but then realized we didn't have enough quarters.

10:20 Draw with chalk outside

10:30 Inside, Makena asked to play in the bedroom alone.

10:40 I start cooking lunch and see a text, fb message, and reminder alarm on my phone screen.

10:45 We have a pluot for a snack.

10:55 Time for an art project! We gather crayons and set them up with the canvas to melt in the sun.

11:15 Kids play with play-doh while I organize the craft closet a bit.

11:30 Nurse Hadley and trim her nails

11:45 Eat rice and lentils with green beans for lunch

12:00 Eat chocolate pudding with strawberries and whipped cream

12:10 Read books

12:15 I washed the dishes while the kids played in a fort

12:30 Go through the toy box and decide which toys to sell, organize the play kitchen food.

1:30 Nurse and rock Hadley while Makena plays in the bedroom.

1:50 Hadley's asleep!!

12:10 I lay her in the bed.

12:20 Makena and I do a ribbon wind sock craft.

12:30 Hadley is awake already!!

2:40 We all share an apple with peanut butter

2:50 It's too hot. We have some ice cream.

3:00 Play pretend restaurant

3:30 Rough housing a little on the floor.

3:45 Makena gives me a new hair style with lots of bows and clips while Hadley nurses.

4:00 Turn on the radio and have a dance off

4:50 Reading

5:00 Puzzles

5:20 Board Games

5:40 Get macaroni and cheese started for dinner

6:00 Eat

6:10 I hopped in the shower, but Hadley cried and tried to get in the bath the whole time. At 6:15 I got out and put her in the bath just as Pam got home.

6:30 Makena and I head out to The Cheesecake Factory to have some time together and for 1/2 price cheesecake day!

8:30 We get in the car to drive home. I can't believe the time, it feels so late!!

8:50 Get Makena in pjs and teeth brushed and in bed.

9:00 Hadley is asleep on Pam's lap, I lay her in bed and nurse her.

10:30 I get on the computer! Made it 24 full hours!!!!

Hadley's (late) 18 month old survey!

I did this with Makena at this age and wanted to get down Hadley's answers-
By 18 months of age does your child:

Motor Skills

• like to pull, push, and dump things Oh yes, Hadley has been pushing, pulling, and dumping for months!!
• pull off hat, socks, and mittens Yes!
• turn pages in a book Yes!
• stack 2 blocks She can stack more than 2 blocks.
• carry a stuffed animal or doll Recently yes. She likes to pretend to nurse them.
• scribble with crayons Yes! She takes them to the sliding door to scribble there.
• walk without help She's been walking since she was 9 months old, lol.
• run stiffly, with eyes on the ground No. She runs quickly and very steadily!

Sensory and Thinking Skills

• identify an object in a picture book Yes!
• laugh at silly actions (as in wearing a bowl as a hat) Yes! She's a very silly giggly girl!
• look for objects that are out of sight Yes!
• put a round lid on a round pot Yes!
• follow simple 1-step directions Yes! 
• solve problems by trial and error Yes! Though sometimes she gets frustrated and asks for help.

Language and Social Skills

• say 8-10 words you can understand Yes!
• look at a person who is talking to him Yes!
• ask specifically for her mother or father  She says Mama, for Pam, alllll the time! She doesn't say Mommy.
• use "hi," "bye," and "please," with reminders Yes! "hi" and "bye" on her own!
• protest when frustrated Sometimes. 
• ask for something by pointing or by using one word Yes!
• direct anothers attention to an object or action Yes!
• become anxious when separated from parent(s) No. If she gets upset when one of us leaves, it's usually just because she wants to go out too.
• seek attention Sometimes. She usually already has our attention though. ;)
• bring toys to share with parent Yes!
• act out a familiar activity in play (as in pretending to take a bath) Sometimes.
• play alone on the floor with toys Oh yes!
• compete with other children for toys Not really. If someone has something she wants she will usually whine for it, but it's generally easy to distract her or have her wait for a turn. She's VERY good at sharing!
• recognize herself in the mirror or in pictures Yes!
• seem selfish at times Selfish? I don't know? She's a toddler. Aren't they all selfish at times?

By 2 years of age does your child:

Motor Skills

• drink from a straw Yes!
• feed herself with a spoon Yes!
• help in washing hands Yes!
• put arms in sleeves with help Yes! She even does it all by herself sometimes!
• build a tower of 3-4 blocks Yes.
• toss or roll a large ball Yes!
• open cabinets, drawers, boxes Oh yes!
• operate a mechanical toy Yes!
• bend over to pick up a toy and not fall Yes!
• walk up steps with help Yes! She can walk up steps without help as long as she can hold on to the side.
• take steps backward Yes!

Sensory and Thinking Skills

• like to take things apart Yes!
• explore surroundings Yes!
• point to 5-6 parts of a doll when asked Yes!

Language and Social Skills

• have a vocabulary of several hundred words I don't know, I need to make a list of the words she says.
• use 2-3 word sentences Sometimes, she will say "shoes. go outside." "more berries" "oh no pee pee" stuff like that
• say names of toys Some of them. ball, kitty, book, baby, blankie...
• ask for information about an object (asks, "Shoe?" while pointing to shoe box) I think so
• hum or try to sing YES!! She's been singing "Let it go!" for a while now! Plus "itsy bitsy spider" and "twinkle"
• listen to short rhymes Yes.
• like to imitate parents Yes, but mostly she imitates Makena!
• sometimes get angry and have temper tantrums A little. Mostly because she wants to go outside.
• act shy around strangers Sometimes.
• comfort a distressed friend or parent Sometimes. She's always concerned when Makena cries.
• take turns in play with other children She mostly watches them or plays on her own.
• treat a doll or stuffed animal as though it were alive Sometimes.
• apply pretend action to others (as in pretending to feed a doll)Yes.
• show awareness of parental approval or disapproval for her actions Yes.
• refer to self by name and use "me" and "mine" No.
• verbalize his desires and feelings ("I want cookie") She can tell us "go out!"
• laugh at silly labeling of objects and events (as in calling a nose an ear) Not really.
• enjoy looking at one book over and over Yes!
• point to eyes, ears, or nose when you ask Yes!

Does it bring you joy?

There's this idea I recently heard of, a way to better organize your life and make space for what matters most. I think it started with a book, but I only read an article about it. The biggest piece I came away with is the simple idea to hold objects in your hand and ask if it brings you joy. If it doesn't, then get rid of it. Could it really be that easy?! I admit that I have hoarder tendencies. I worry about getting rid of things that I might need later. It feels wasteful, the thought that I'll just buy it again the next time I want something. And for me lots of things have sentimental value so I try to justify that reason for holding on to things. I hate throwing away sentimental stuff memories are hugely important to me. I've gotten much better about it though, when we moved into this little 1 bedroom apartment we did a LOT of downsizing. But we kept a lot of stuff in storage, and they kept raising the cost, and we eventually closed it out and moved stuff into my parents basement after doing another big purge. And then my parents moved and we just can't afford another storage unit so we transferred all that stuff to our patio. There it all sits, stacked in a pile, taking up precious room.

We told ourselves that we HAVE to go through every single box and tote and seriously consolidate everything into as little as possible. I think about moving all the time. A garage, a storage closet, or even 2nd bedroom... Oh how different our home life would be if we weren't surrounded all the time. It's starting to feel suffocating. We really have too much stuff to live comfortably in this place, and since we can't move we need to make it work here!

When I start thinking about how long it's been since I've posted in this blog I feel overwhelmed. Nothing since Makena's birthday in January?! It's JUNE! There is so much to catch up on! So many things have happened since then and I don't want to forget any of it! But the reality is that those memories have already mostly faded. I usually look back on photos or read my facebook posts to fill in the months.

But back to purging. I'm purging on a more personal level too. Today I deactivated my facebook account. Basically that means I have disappeared, and can't access anything, but it's only temporary. I thought about what else I could do with my time, instead of mindlessly scrolling through my feed and refreshing the page. It's only been a few hours but already I have caught myself wanting to click on facebook. (I've deleted the app and bookmark, otherwise I'm sure I would have clicked without even thinking about it. It's like being on auto-pilot, I check facebook whenever I'm on my phone or the computer.)

The first thing I thought about doing after I hit that deactivate button (well, the first thing I thought about when I had a moment of silence to think about anything after I set up the tent for the kids to play with and made lunch and played with blocks and cleaned up and gave the kids a bath and got a snack for them, etc...) was updating this blog. Keeping my memories here really matters to me. It brings me joy. It feels important, like a little security net, knowing my kids will have access to this some day.

So in addition to getting stuff out of my life that I don't need, I'm going to try to set aside time in my day for things that bring me joy, like being better about posting here!

February & March Photo Catch Up Post!

And here we go again with another catch up post!! 

Our friends adopted 2 kitties, and they are Hadley's favorite things ever! One day I was nursing her and a kitty jumped onto my lap to snuggle and started licking Hadley's face, she was laughing and trying to continue nursing at the same time. 

Hadley's so silly. Sometimes she'll do weird things and we just watch her and wonder what's going through her mind! Here she kept leaning back on this booster seat over and over. You can see her stomach muscle thing well, it shows up whenever she engages her core like that.

We got to keep the kitties at our home for 10 days while our friends went on vacation! It was so fun, and really got us wanting a cat. We still miss Donte and I'm so sad that Hadley never got to know him.

I won tickets to Disney on Ice and Makena invited her friend P. It was a late night (on a school night too!) but they had such a blast! Makena has had some weird issues with this friend, who is the sweetest thing and adores Makena, but for some reason Makena kept getting get annoyed with her. She would get grumpy that she wanted to sit next to her all the time, but then she would cry when it was time to leave her house. Thankfully she got over it because it was bumming me out!

One day at preschool it was pajama day, and each kid was told they could bring a stuffed animal with them. Makena picked her giraffe, "Giraffie". Pam bought it for her while I was pregnant. We thought it might be her lovey some day but she never took to anything in that way. But she does seem to like it more these days so I wasn't surprised when she picked to take him. She missed pj day last year due to illness, and was very excited to experience it this year. It was a busy morning, and as we got out of the car at school I realized we had forgotten Giraffie at home. I was frustrated. I had told Makena to make sure she remembered, and I had seen her holding him at the table for breakfast. We checked the car to be sure but she was in tears saying she left him. She was a complete wreck. My heart was breaking, I felt bad that I didn't remember to check that she had him when we left. I got her to calm down a bit and we walked into school and I offered her to pick one of the stuffed animals at school to adopt for the day. She was trying not to cry but I could tell how sad she was. I normally don't go home while she's at preschool, it feels like a waste of time because it's really only about 2 hours once I factor in that I usually don't leave the school until 9:30, then like to arrive at 11:45. Plus the drive time of about 15 minutes each way. So I really didn't want to go back home to get it, especially not to grab it and rush right back to school. A small part of me thought that it was a natural consequence type of life lesson, that oh well, you forgot it so now you have to deal with not having it.

But mistakes happen, and that kind of attitude is not exactly how I parent. Because here's the thing, if I had forgotten something and was upset about it, I would love it if someone went to grab it for me. It's just the kind thing to do. I was able to run home and get it. It was a little inconvenient, sure, and not fun for Hadley to go back into the car for the 30 minute round trip, but it's not like I had somewhere else I had to be. I COULD go get it, so why would I CHOOSE not to? That's not the type of lesson I want to teach her. So I explained that to her, and got the giraffe, and brought it to school, and she was so thankful and happy. And it was totally worth it.

Here is Makena with the avocado tree my mom planted when she was born. Look at that 5 year old tree!

She's been doing so well at going to bed by herself. We say goodnight, give cuddles, put on a CD of instrumental lullaby music, turn off the lights and walk out of the room. And she tends to just fall asleep! Sometimes she asks us to stay in the bedroom for a bit, and sometimes she says she's worried that she just can't do it by herself, but we remind her that she has before and will be asleep soon. But there are times when Pam is out late and bedtime duty falls on me alone, and that's trickier because Makena is needier and I can't help her as much because Hadley just wants to climb the ladder up to her bed and play. So sometimes I will let Makena watch a movie on the couch with me while I try to rock and nurse Hadley to sleep. On this particular day that's what happened, and when I went to transfer Hadley into bed Makena came in with me and wanted to lay with us, since I usually have to nurse the baby a little more when she wakes as I lay her down. And then I realized both kids were asleep curled up next to me, and as I slowly got up they cuddled up closer to each other.

Fun at the Children's Discovery Museum!

Getting ready for St. Patrick's Day with Grandmo!

I love that when Makena is in bed if her hand flops over the edge I can almost reach her from my spot in bed. Some day I'm sure we will live in a bigger place and eventually the kids will have their own room. But I do still miss sleeping next to her every night and all the snuggling, so for now sharing a bedroom is fine!

Notes from Makena always make me smile.

Last year we noticed a flyer that the school across the street from our apartment was having a fun run, to raise money for orphans in Zimbabwe. We signed up Makena and she participated in the little 220 yard race. This year we signed her up again, and she talked about wanting to run fast and win. Pam stood with her at the start line, and sent me a text saying Makena changed her mind and didn't want to run. We told her she doesn't have to, but she might regret not doing it, and it's just for fun anyway. So she ran, and I stood by the finish line taking a video of her. As she came into view I cheered for her, and I saw her about to cry. I directed her to where Pam was standing and they finished the race together. Makena ended up being in 2nd place for girls! She cried at the end, saying it was too far and she didn't know where we were and it was crowded. But she was thrilled to receive a trophy! They called her up and she was nervous standing there with the other winners. We were right in the front row through, and soon she was all smiles showing off how proud she was!

I really appreciate little opportunities for her to learn how to overcome her feelings of being uncomfortable. Chances to speak up and raise her hand and such do wonders for her self confidence. It's such a hard thing for me to relate to. I know I had plenty of shy moments of a child but now that just isn't my personality at all. At her preschool towards the end of the year her teacher introduced Teacher Of The Day, where each kid got the chance to be the helper and ring the bell, bring in something to share for show and tell, and a book. I Makena debated for weeks what book to bring, and what toy to show. She decided on Katy No Pocket, and a Lego Friends Jungle Rescue set. She had such a blast, and it was so cute to watch her take that leadership role. When it was time for the teacher to read out the names of the kids who were going to music class Makena asked to read them. She read every name! She also read the names that she picked out of the cup for kids that circled the letter of the day in the morning message. When it was time to select the final name I saw her looking at the orange popsicle sticks and trying to find her own name. I was pleasantly surprised to see that she pulled her name! Normally such a rule follower I was glad to see she did that tiny little sneaky thing. And I love how discreetly she did it too. Gosh I love that girl.

During the preschool carnival auction we bid on (and won!) a 4 pack of tickets to a little local children's theater. We decided to split them up so Pam took Makena to see Madeline, and I took her to see Charlotte's Web. Time together is so important, we have so much fun and it's so relaxed without me needing to run after the baby. I love when I get the chance to sit and chat and reconnect with my darling firstborn!

Makena's Frozen 5th Birthday Party!

Makena wanted a Frozen party the shortly after she saw the movie. I rolled my eyes at the idea, tried to suggest other things, but she was insistent. Her 3rd birthday party was a snow theme, and we had some leftover stuff, and other friends gave us their leftover Frozen stuff, so we went for it! She says she wants her 6th birthday at Chuck-E-Cheese's so she can go inside the ticket blaster thing. We'll see. After this party I felt really done with party planning. And that bums me out because I used to really LOVE party planning! I mean, I still do, but I just wish we had more money I guess, so that I could do more and not feel guilty about every little dollar.

We had her party at preschool. She made the guest list, inviting a few new friends from preschool. She asked for a pinata. I don't like pinatas, but we found a hilariously huge one for cheap. We filled it with blue and white and silver beads, blue bead necklaces, bracelets, York peppermint patties, mini packages of Frozen jellybeans, and blue candy canes.

We had bags and foam snowflakes for the kids to decorate with stickers, pin the carrot nose on Olaf, and that's about it for activities. So much for freeze dance and musical chairs, both of which Makena asked to do but we forgot. Thankfully she didn't bring it up! The kids also got a blue pipe cleaner to take home and string their beads on to. After the pinata broke open (this thing was too-well constructed, I ended up having to rip it apart and shake it out!) the kids sat under it quietly for a while, collecting beads in the tanbark. The next day at school some kids were still delighted to find more beads! I bet there are more still there.

Makena asked for an ice cream cake. I looked up some recipes but decided it would be better to make a regular cake and decorate it awesomely. Then we decided to make the cake special by putting surprise blue polka dots inside it, like snowballs! It came out really well and was a huge hit! Pam made a sheet of blue glass candy, and shattered it into pieces to make an ice castle. 

While singing happy birthday Makena gave Pam a little hug, then she turned and gave me one. She is really the sweetest thing!

Hadley had a blast with the balloons!

Makena got some really fantastic gifts- a trio of different ice cream store gift cards for her own frozen enjoyment, Legos, games, clothes, and a bunch of fun crafts including Shrinky-Dinks! I know a lot of people don't do gifts for their kids birthdays, and I totally understand that. Some kids have entire bedrooms and playrooms full of toys. And while my kids do have more toys than they need, they don't really get new toys or clothes or other things throughout the year. Christmas and their birthday are when we pull every resource together to shower them with their needs and wants and fun stuff to mix it all up and tide us over until next year.

Earlier in the morning of her party day (which was 2 days before her real birthday) I gave her the American Girl doll that I'd been so excited to give to her! She's been asking for one ever since the store opened near us. That year we got her the Target knock-off version, but the quality is clearly lacking. She has two of those dolls and their hair is a horrendous mess and they don't stand up. Makena really wanted to have a real AG doll and go to the salon and cafe at the store. A friend of mine contacted me and said she had a doll that she wanted to give to me for Makena. I was thrilled!! The doll is in beautiful condition, and she gave me some clothes too. I was worried that Makena wouldn't completely love the doll, since it's not one that looks like her. She has the catalog and has circled the dolls that have light skin and curly hair. This doll has medium skin and straight hair. But thankfully she loves her! My mom is going to bring Makena to store for a day of fun, they have reservations at the bistro and I can't wait to see photos!! My mom also got her an Elsa dress for her doll, which was perfect for the party!

On the day of her birthday we dropped her off at preschool and went on a tour at a local school we are hoping to send her to. After that we joined her in class and she did her sun walk, carrying the earth around 5 times. We asked where she wanted to go for her birthday meal (lunch, since I had a meeting later and would miss dinner time) and she picked PF Chang's, "the place with the noodles and Baby Buddha Feast!" (Which is steamed broccoli, carrots, and snap peas... things she eats at home practically every day, lol.)

After lunch we went to the American Girl doll store, with her doll, who she named Rebecca Alexis. The name is awesomely ironic, because those are practically the same names of the girls whose mom gave me the doll. Kismet! She got to pick out a hair brush and pair of pajamas for her doll. Pam also bought Makena a Razor scooter, pink with light-up wheels of course! It was a fun day. And now we have a 5 year old. And a 1 year old. And basically my life is this crazy dream. 

5 YEARS OLD.

When Makena was a newborn baby Pam and I would stare at her and say to each other, "Oh my god, one day she'll be walking. And talking. And one day she will be FIVE." 

5 years seems like a long time before you have kids. I am very aware of how quickly 5 years goes by now, and I'm freaking out a little that I'll blink again and the next 5 will have passed.

Makena asked me tonight if she still have her soft spot on her head. She was rubbing the top of her head and asked me to check. "If I still have it, it means I'm still a little bit a baby." And she said it in a longing way, like she wants to hold on to that piece of being a baby. She's been 5 years old for a week, and she is teetering on the edge of babyhood and big girl. But I know. I know that she's so much less baby now. She a stark contrast to her baby sister, who at 1 year old is barely baby enough. A baby you can hold, and place down, and come back to. Then they learn to walk, and they decide when to walk away from you. And they learn how to talk, and they speak their own mind and say things that make you want to cry, in good and in bad ways. 

At five years old she is so very sweet. She is smart. Bright and eager to learn, motivated to do the right thing. She likes to follow rules. She is sensitive. Wants to please people, doesn't like to rock the boat. She empathetic, takes other peoples feelings into account and puts them before hers. She is keenly aware of other people not doing the right thing. She is silly. She loves to sing and perform at home, in front of us or on her own. She craves our attention, always asking to play board games, or play with her dolls or do Lego stuff, a new favorite activity.

She is a perfectionist at times, gets frustrated when her work isn't the "right" way. She gets annoyed when someone interrupts her. She holds in her feelings sometimes and then lets it all out later in the safety and comfort of home. She has an amazing memory, will remember details of things that we can barely remember. She can be so grumpy. She will snap at us for absolutely nothing. "Makena are you hungry for lunch?" "Why are you asking me that?! I just ate an apple!" "After you brush your teeth don't forget to put your shoes on so we can get out the door in time." "Stop telling me to put on my shoes, I already know!!!!!!!" The outbursts are perplexing and annoying. She'll sigh out a "sorry!" and almost roll her eyes, and then a minute later be a puddle of tears with genuine remorse. She is trying on all sorts of hats. I'm glad that the ones that fit best are the ones we are most used to. She's kind, above all, but testing out different attitudes for size.

She can read and write. READ AND WRITE. My little baby! She doesn't like to make mistakes, wants more help than she really needs. Gets very emotional. Asks for hugs whenever she's upset. She is creative and has awesome ideas for things. She is so thoughtful, and will come up with suggestions and solutions that I wouldn't have thought of.

She is learning how to be more comfortable speaking her mind. I saw her raise her hand while sitting at the rug for story time at preschool. She didn't know I was there. The teacher had just finished a book about saying goodbye in other languages. Other kids were chattering away, and Makena's hand went up. She kept it up despite the teacher not noticing her at first, and despite the other kids talking. She kept it up until the teacher quieted down the other kids and called on her. I couldn't wait to hear what she wanted to say, what she felt was so important that she was calling attention to herself and going to talk to an adult on her own. "Is adios french?" That was her question. The teacher answered, and then Makena turned her head and spotted me. She smiled shyly, maybe a little embarrassed, maybe a little proud. I smiled back, trying to radiate how proud I was, how happy it makes me to see her interacting with others.

She can be slow to warm, but perks up and gets silly and animated. She can stop what she's doing and say goodbye with a simple, "okay!" when I ask, or she can burst into tears and whine about bot wanting to leave. She can bargain with me, "5 more minutes? When I'm done with this last thing? How about I play a little more until you are finished with Hadley's diaper?" And I usually agree because she's made a smart request.

She can get so disappointed. Waiting for friends or Grandmo to arrive can be extremely hard for her. She likes to make countdown calendars to pass time. She wakes up in the morning ready to play, asking us to do something with her. She can be exhausting, but she is so very mild tempered compared to other kids. Her emotions tend to come from a place of sadness rather than anger.

She is joy. She is a warm snuggle. She makes me want to be a better person. Parenting her gives me more purpose than I've ever felt before. I am so thankful that I get to spend so much time with her. These years are flying by, I want to slow down and savor it all!!

------------------------------------------------------
I'm trying to remember to ask Makena the following questions every year-

Favorite color?
Purple. I also like violet.

Favorite food? 
Olives. Olives are my favorite food because they are so black and round. Raspberries, broccoli walnut pasta!

Favorite drink? 
Blackberry mojito tea lemonade at Starbucks, fruit punch juice, and mint iced tea.

What do you want to be when you grow up? 
Veterinarian. A hair cutter. A cook.

What's your favorite movie?
I have 3 favorite movies. Frozen, Rapunzel, and Little Mermaid. Wait can you change that one? What's the real name? Tangled? Okay change it to say Tangled.

What's your favorite toy?
My American Girl doll, and games and Legos and stuffed animals, and playing with my sister!

What is your favorite thing about being you?
I like that I'm very very smart and very very helpful. And I have a GREAT family. I'm funny, sing, dance, that's all.

Where do you wish we could go right now?
Legoland!

What would you buy with a million dollars?
Another American Girl doll. And 20 Lego sets. And buy a car and buy you and Mama and Hadley a new house with 2 bathrooms, 2 bedrooms, Hadley and me will have a bunk bed, you and Mama will have your own bathroom and me and Hadley will have our own bathroom.

What's the best thing you've done this past year?
Camping, our vacation to Legoland and Disneyland and the beach with Ian and Colin, the 17 days we had off from school and work because we could all play video games and that was my first time playing Disney skate and then I loved it. And also my birthday party because Ian and Colin came!

What I want my children to have.

Confidence.
I don't know how I ended up with this much confidence, but it's been really working out well for me. I think and talk through decisions and make a choice I feel the most comfortable with. I hope my confidence and self-esteem doesn't come off as being aloof, I certainly don't think I'm perfect and can do no wrong. I don't think anyone is perfect, but I think I'm definitely pretty awesome. Little things don't tend to bother me, people say things that others ask "aren't you annoyed by that?!" and no, not really. I am able to recognize what what people say is mostly a reflection of themselves, and how they are feeling. So I don't let it affect me. I'm not sure if I even do it consciously most of the time, like if I'm actively choosing to not feel a certain way, or if it's just how I am. So many people seem to think they have to reach certain goals, or do XYZ to feel worthy, or they feel like they are awful parents and screwing their kids up. I don't have a lot of goals. Enjoying a happy and healthy life and raising great people are my goals. I do that every day, and if one day has a few blips that's okay and totally normal. Tomorrow is another chance, and we get a lifetime of tomorrows! I'm not an awful parent, my kids prove to me every day that I'm doing a lot right. Maybe if they were more challenging I'd second guess that? I know I'm lucky with easy kids, but then again maybe they are easy because I rock at parenting?? We'll see how the next 5, 10, 15 years go! I have a feeling we'll be okay, and if not we will get through it. But anyway, I think confidence is a wonderful personality trait. I am not confident in every single thing I do, of course, but I'm confident to know I'm not a failure even if I make a wrong choice.

Happiness.
This is obvious, right? I want them to know joy. To feel happy when they've made others happy. I hope they have a lifetime full of happy memories, of times they giggled with friends and erupted into laughter so strong that it caused tears to fall down their faces as they gasp for breath. I want them to experience things in life that make them happy. Foods they love, places they want to travel to, things they long to do. I hope they get lots of chances to participate in things that bring them happiness.

Questions.
I want them to think about and question everything. Not in a skeptical argumentative way, but in a thoughtful way to encourage conversation. Conversation is always a good thing. I hope they are good communicators, and if that isn't their strong point I hope they can at least value the importance of communicating in spite of it being something they struggle with.

Answers.
Sometimes they will have questions, but sometimes they will have answers. I hope they can feel knowledgeable in a few areas, and comfortable being a source of information for others. Whatever they have to contribute to the world, I hope it's something positive that they can share to help someone else. I don't care if it's a friend, a few peers, a group of employees, a city, or the world leaders. They have something to contribute.

Trust.
If you stop to think about everything wrong with the world it can be a scary dark place. I want them to believe that there is good. That the world has so many beautiful unbelievably GOOD things that happen every single day. I hope they learn to trust that they are full of stars, and that everyone else is too, but sometimes things get in the way of letting those stars shine. But trust that even in dark times there is a time for light.

Love.
Especially loving a child. I don't know if it's possible to experience love this deeply unless you are a parent. The kind of love where you watch your child draw a circle for the first time. Where you see them make a good decision despite what a friend is doing. When they offer the last cookie to you even though you know they really want it. When they rest their head on your shoulder and know that every single thing in their world is absolutely perfect just because you are together. That kind of love makes my heart swell. It makes me realize that my parents felt the same way watching me grow up. There's a very interesting thing that happens when you come full circle like that. Gratitude, relief, a sense of peace. And the realization that the gift of raising the next generation is on your shoulders, and that raising them with love has the power to change the world for the better. That kind of love is hard to explain. There is more love. Loving a job, finding what they are passionate about. Loving a significant other, falling in love and feeling excited and nervous and confused and beautiful and wanted and loved. Loving a pet, and knowing when it's time to end that pet's suffering. Loving something so much that letting it leave is the right choice, despite what your heart is telling you. If my children don't have their own kids one day then I hope it's by choice, and not in spite of them trying. The decision to not have children is completely okay, one I will respect even though I know I'd love to experience the love of being a grandma. But if my kids want to be parents and can't make that dream come true, oh, my heart hurts at the thought of it. Something I hope they will always be aware of is my love for them. No matter what. I may not always like the decisions they make, I assume I won't! But they are my children, they exist because I wanted them more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. They are a part of me, and they carry my love. I hope they know that. I hope they can feel it when it's quiet. I hope they can hear me humming Edelweiss while rocking them back and forth against my beating heart.

(Or as I sing it, "bless my baby forever.")