What's different with this pregnancy

I blogged about our journey in conceiving Makena, and throughout my whole pregnancy I updated constantly. Sometimes I posted twice a day! And Pam even posted a few times! I wanted to document everything. One of the biggest differences with this pregnancy is how casual it all seems. I'm not stressed out constantly about every little thing. I'm so involved with the child I have right now that I don't pay much attention to the one that's still growing inside. I actually (briefly!) forget that I'm pregnant at times.

We have decided to hire a midwife and have a home birth this time around. With Makena I was planning a birth center birth, and that didn't go as planned and I transferred during labor because of exhaustion, so I had a hospital birth with her. It was surprisingly great, we still had so many of our requests met and I can't complain much about any of the care we received there. I can nitpick of course, there were a few things I'm still upset about, like the squirt of sugar water that was snuck into our newborn's mouth and the fact that I consented to only 2 blood draws and they did 3 when checking her after saying she was Large For Gestational Age. They also kept delaying our check-out time, we were anxious to go home and wanted to leave before most are ready. We had to keep waiting for paperwork, until finally a kind nurse explained that all we were really waiting for was a prescription for ibuprofen, so we left. But overall we had a very positive experience.

That doesn't mean that I think my plans for wanting a natural childbirth outside of a hospital were dumb though. When telling people that we're going the home birth route this time, I'm mostly met with encouragement and support. I happen to know a lot of like-minded people and have several friends who had home births. But there are still a few questions, especially from people who aren't natural birth fans, that I understand. "Didn't you have an epidural with Makena?" Yes, I did. But that doesn't mean I want it this time, or that I'm suddenly not a natural birth advocate. I consider myself very lucky that I didn't have any adverse effects. And I asked for the epidural on my own well informed terms. When I transferred to the hospital (again, for exhaustion, not an emergency) I was so beyond tired, and when they said I was 4 centimeters and they were going to give me pitocin to speed things up, I said I wanted the epidural first. I knew pitocin would make my contractions more painful and closer together, and I didn't want to deal with that. I was already beyond my limit. The hospital midwives tried to give me other options because they knew I wanted a natural med-free childbirth.

Labor and birth doesn't always go the way we imagine it. I still mourn the loss of the birth I wanted and dreamed about. I feel that I cheated Makena out of being born drug-free. I also feel strongly that had my labor progressed quicker, or had I known/been able to sleep during those many early labor hours, I would have given birth as I hoped. I wasn't prepared for that aspect of it. As much as I educated myself about labor, I didn't realize how crucial it was to rest and save energy because it could take days before active labor hit. I didn't realize how painful and difficult I'd find early labor to be. I wish we had hired a doula, someone who could have came to our apartment and helped me cope when I most needed that support. Someone who saw the signs and warned us that this could take a while, no need to rush. I vowed that for my next birth (if I'd have the chance again) I'd make sure to have a doula, for both my and Pam's sake!

And here we are, I'm pregnant again. I was seeing an OB at my local hospital but he was a typical nightmare of a doctor who lied to my face about the safety of ultrasounds while I smiled sweetly and pretended to be one of his usual patients who takes his word as the gospel truth. And then I knew hiring a doula was of the utmost importance. In early June we attended a local "Meet the doulas" event and got the chance to talk with about 6 of them. Their fees were outrageously above what we could afford, none were under $1,000, and of course it isn't covered by insurance, let alone Medi-Cal. There was also a midwife in attendance, and when we met with her she asked why we weren't having a homebirth, since it's something she could tell we were interested in. We explained that we didn't have the money for it. Paying a midwife $5,000 out of pocket (which is more than we pay for 4 months of rent!) unfortunately just wasn't a possibility. She mentioned she'd be willing to reduce her fee and let us work out a payment plan. We were thrilled with the idea but cautious, knowing that we really honestly couldn't afford substantial payments at this time. Summer paychecks were especially sporadic and lower than normal, and we were struggling to make ends meet enough as it was. But we agreed to meet again and talk more in depth, and when we did our worries disappeared. Our midwife said she'd let us wait to pay the bulk of the fee a few months after the baby was born, once we got our tax return, and she urged me to just come in for a first prenatal appointment and get started with care now instead of stressing over payments. She really made us feel like she was comfortable working with us because she knew how important a homebirth was to us, even saying if we had to skip a payment for a month that would be fine. So we wrote a check for $50 and in mid June at 17 weeks pregnant I had a midwife and a plan to give birth at home!

I was enjoying the care I was receiving, the appointments and monthly group meetings were informative and I always like supportive social gatherings like that. When I was 19 weeks pregnant I returned the my OB just for the anatomy ultrasound, we found out we were expecting another baby girl (YAY!) and then I left the office without making another appointment.

Makena was so excited to find out if she was going to have a little sister or little brother. She went into the appointment saying she wanted a little brother but that a sister would be okay. When we found out it was a girl she smiled. :)

When we left I had her call my mom and she said into the phone that she was going to have a baby sister. Then we went to Carter's to buy a "little sister" onesie.

Another huge difference in this pregnancy is the lack of belly photos! The first time I was taking them weekly on the dot. This time I hit 5 months and realized I hadn't taken one yet, so I snapped this in a bathroom.

I've had mostly the same symptoms as last time. Heartburm, pains when standing or moving too quickly from different positions. Random leg cramps that wake me up in the middle of the night. Craving fruit. I eat more apples nowadays than I probably ever have combined in my whole life! I used to think I liked green apples but apparently red like Gala and Fuji are way better and I just never knew! I'm walking a lot more during this pregnancy, and for some reason when I push Makena in her stroller I get painful cramps. As soon as I sit and drink some water they go away. I've also been drinking lots of red raspberry leaf tea/infusions, and feeling lots of Braxton Hicks. I'm hoping my uterus is getting nice and toned and ready! I've started peeing when I cough/sneeze, and that's super annoying and only happened twice last time I think.

At every prenatal appointment the baby's heart rate has been 144 beats per minute. Isn't that odd? 144 exactly, each time! Everything seems to be progressing as normal and I've been healthy and feeling fine. I sleep great, getting about 9 hours a night. I eat (mostly) well. I drink lots of water and take my vitamins. I'm pretty much the perfect candidate for a homebirth! Pam and I have just started to clear our some space in our apartment and figure out where the birth pool will go. Last week I posted to a local group asking if anyone had any leftover homebirth supplies. Then that same day I got a call from my midwife saying she wanted to talk about our payment plan. Several days earlier we had finally gotten around to signing the contract, and in hindsight that *obviously* should have been taken care of at the beginning, but I (wrongfully) assumed we were on the same page and it was just a technicality we'd take care of later. So when Pam called her back (I had a sinking feeling and wasn't up for making the call) she explained that she misunderstood and wasn't able to wait until after the baby was born for payment and had to drop us as clients. And there I was, 31 weeks pregnant and suddenly without a care provider.

I was a complete wreck. I cried for almost 2 days straight. I had to explain to Makena why I was so sad (I simply said we couldn't see that midwife anymore) and she started to cry too and say she didn't want me to go to a hospital. :( I assured her that I was going to try and find another midwife so we could still have the baby at home. I even considered an unassisted birth, maybe "accidentally" birthing at home before I realized it was time to go to the hospital. But I wanted a midwife, and I felt so heartbroken that I'd come so far only to have my dreams crushed. And only because of money! It was infuriating. Apparently the midwife told Pam that we'd be better off just going to the hospital because then we wouldn't have to pay a penny since Medi-Cal would cover the costs. That's true, Medi-Cal would pay for everything, but I don't want another hospital birth. We feel like we got lucky with the last one and I don't want to press that luck again. Plus we REALLY don't want to leave Makena overnight.

I normally deal with anything by talking about it with anyone who will listen, but I only told a few select people what was going on. I was in a dark place, feeling so upset that even trying to come up with a plan to move forward was bringing me to tears. Should I just call up my OB and make an appointment? They never even called me asking where I was. I posted about it in my local attachment parenting group on facebook, and the outpouring of support was overwhelming. Everyone seemed shocked that my midwife would do that, and I started getting private messages with words of encouragement and offers of help. People made calls on my behalf to midwives and doulas that they'd used, they offered discounts on their own services, I suddenly had a group of people who were all pushing for me to get this home birth after all. I wrote a long emotional email to a midwife that quite a few people recommended. She wrote back "Oh jeez, call me!" so I did and we had a great talk. We met with her this week and she's just lovely. Kind, warm, funny, open, sympathetic. All words that I wouldn't use to describe the other midwife, but I wasn't being picky about who would take me on as a client. Now it seems clear that this is a case of everything working out for the better. My new midwife was even friendly to Makena, something that always seemed lacking with the other midwife. Sure, there was a toy box available, but she never tried to engage with her at all. As we chatted I began to feel a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. She says she's horrified and deeply sorry for what happened, and that she'd love to work with us and is okay with waiting for payment. All we have to do is come up with $500 by the day of birth so she can pay her midwife assistant. That's a lot of money for us to consider right now, we get daily calls about past due bills and have to decide between which to pay now so we can get gas/groceries. Since summer we've been paying our rent twice monthly since we can't come up with the whole check at once. I'm not kidding when I say this summer was a financial disaster for us. And now we have Makena's monthly school tuition to pay for, which thankfully is very little since we're on a scholarship, but it's still more than we can afford right now. Once you get stuck in a rut like this it's extremely hard to get out, since every resource is being used just to stay afloat. Talk about the perfect timing to have a baby, huh?!?!

So it's been a rough few months, and an even rougher week, but things are starting to look better at least on the homebirth front. And I have to just keep trudging along and hoping everything else will fall into place. We've been focusing on clearing out clutter and selling stuff to bring in any money that's possible. I look around our small 1 bedroom apartment and we just have so much stuff. Not only are we not using it all, but it's taking up precious space. We need to find creative ways to make this apartment work for us, now that we're adding another (small) human being to the mix. Tomorrow we're going to tackle some more piles and hopefully gather together stuff for a garage sale.

Onward we go!

About to start PRESCHOOL!

I am so thrilled that we found such an amazing preschool.  It's a co-op and has a long history of being a really special place for families. There's a pretty huge time commitment on the parents behalf, Makena will attend 3 mornings a week and I go with her one day a week to be a work parent. (Parents are also welcome to attend any other days their children are there, which I appreciate!) There are also twice monthly night meeting for the parents to attend, in addition to holding a board job and helping out on required maintenance days. And we'll participate in the Fall and Spring fundraiser events.

I'm excited to become a part of this community and I know Makena will do awesomely and get so much out of it! Everyone is so friendly and talks about how it will become such a close-knit group of families. I love how everyone is ready to step up and help with anything. We met her teacher and Makena cried when we went home, she can't wait to start and has been counting down the days. She woke up this morning and said "I need to go take down a ring, I have 5 days left until preschool!!"

Last night was the parent orientation and Pam and I spent 3 hours being overwhelmed with details. We picked a board job, we're on the Spring Auction committee which sounds really fun. I wanted to sign up for something that takes place after fall/winter so that hopefully we'll be at least slightly adjusted to life with 2 kids by then. ;) We also voted to approve the budget and got our key to the school and helped staple name tags on the cubbies. When I saw Makena's cubby I got teary eyed. It just seems like such a huge milestone!

I'm curious to find out when/how dropping off Makena will go. Pam and I are both going with her the first day, and then the next day is my work day, but the following week we'll see if she feels ready to be there without me. I don't know what I'll do with myself if she doesn't need me. I know most parents look forward to that, but I seriously don't know what I'll do. I have a feeling I'll be sitting in the car reading and counting down until it's time to get her! Obviously I want Makena to feel comfortable and safe, and I want to be able to trust that she's okay without me. Especially because I want this transition to be smoothed over before the baby is born. But for only 3 hours it seems like a waste of time/gas to drive all the way home and then go back. It's not far, just 6 miles, but it's the next city over and with traffic can be a longer drive. We'll see what I end up doing! If I had the money I'd totally sign up for a nearby prenatal yoga class or something during that time.

As we near the end of this chapter of Makena and I being together 24/7, I just feel so overwhelmingly grateful that we have the relationship that we do. My dreams came true when she entered my life, and they continued to come true every day we spent together that I didn't have to send her off to daycare. I am so glad I've been able to raise her the way I wanted to!

Summer photos

We've been having a lot of fun at Great America with our season passes. Makena even rode the kiddie roller coaster! The first time we went she wanted to, but then said no. Then waited in line a bit, then said no. As we left she said next time she would try it. She kept talking about it at home. So then we went with my mom one day, and Makena and Pam got on the very short line and she went on! I was certain she'd panic before actually sitting down. It goes around the track twice, and on the second time she even raised her hands on the little hills. Not the big hill, as you can see she was a tad nervous on that part! She was SO proud when she got off, but hasn't wanted to ride it again.

Her favorite is the little bumper cars. One time she went on them and got stuck with a car that was facing a wall, and spent the whole time trying to get going. Finally someone bumped her as she was stepping on pedal and had the wheel turned the right way, and she was so excited that she got unstuck. Then a couple seconds later the ride was over and she burst into tears. :( She also really likes the two story carousel, and that's one of the few rides I can go on with her since I'm restricted from even the lamest little rides! The Snoopy ice show and kid magic show are other favorites. It's been nice to go for free and have a few hours there.

Probably the very best part is the splash park at the entrance to Boomerang Bay (which is conveniently inside Great America!) We haven't even gone inside the water park portion yet, but she loves the fountains and has such a blast! We're planning to go spend an afternoon with bathing suits and everything soon.

Makena had to miss the bus ride field trip and I wanted her to get to ride the bus, then one day our friends suggested we take the bus to get lunch! She's so used to being in the stroller, and since I use it so often it's kinda become annoying when she won't walk anywhere. Then again, she's so slow and I'm a fast walker, so I get frustrated and take the stroller places that I know she CAN walk, just for my own sanity. Plus I hate carrying anything and love storing stuff in the stroller. Anyways, she rode her balance bike from our apartment to the park, which was fine. Then rode to the bus stop, and complained that she was too tired even though her friends were on their scooters way ahead. And then she fell, and scraped her knees, and we were rushing to catch he bus. The bus ride was fine, but I think a stroller is really easier!!

My dad built an awesome coop for the chickens, we stop by and have fun feeding them treats.

We went berry picking and got ollalieberries, blackberries, and raspberries, and then I made a yummy pie. Makena refused to even try the berries. She's so strange with the things she'll not try!

On the 4th of July we went to Cupertino for the kids parade, and Makena rode her bike the whole time around the park! It helped that Grandmo was there.

We watched fireworks at Shoreline from the lawn at Google, like we've done the past 2 years. It always works out wonderfully!

We've been spending a lot of time at various parks. Here Makena was being grumpy because she couldn't sit on the tree without slipping down. Oh it can be so tough to be 3!

A new Panera opened up within walking distance to us, and we love to go for breakfast. She picked this up and said "I see a shiny knife and me!"

In mid July we celebrated half birthdays! Two 3.5 year olds and one 6.5 year old! Yay for January babies!

One of Makena's most played with toys is her kitchen of course, but specifically this set of cupcakes that you decorate with markers that say "icing" and make the sprinkles. She pulls out her cash register and sells me cupcakes.

We've been making pizza often. Such a delicious fun easy dinner!

She'll also pull out board games and set them up and ask me to play. How can I say no to this adorable face! She's so sweet. She gives me blue because it's my favorite color.

We went to watch the movie Wreck-it Ralph that was playing in the park. My parents joined us and Makena had fun running around while waiting for it to be dark.

My heart is bursting at the seams with love for her!!!!

Some Saturdays we join Pam for her afternoon soccer classes. And sometimes Makena will join in.

Hanging out with Snoopy!

After much too long of a break we've been seeing Makena's buddies again! I'm sure once school starts we won't again for a while, but they always have so much fun together.

Possibly the cutest best photo ever!

Makena's been able to feel the baby kick a couple times, and the other day she put some toys on my belly and was laughing over the baby playing with them as they bounced.

We spent a day at a community pool with family. Makena loves the pool!

With her Grandmo and cousins.

With my sister, her aunt.

One of the biggest changes this summer has been that for one, Makena has weaned completely, and two, for the past week Pam has put her to bed. Makena's been requesting that Mama rock her in the chair, and then she falls asleep. It's easier than me laying next to her in bed, but I do miss her falling asleep in my arms. I'm grateful that she has this ability now, it's going to be helpful once the baby is here. But it still makes me sad. The whole growing up thing is so bittersweet.

When I go to bed I often have to scoot her over to her side, and then I see at her precious face and her little body that isn't as little as it used to be. I get overwhelmed with love and gratitude and all these huge emotions. All these same worries and fears that I had when she was a little newborn baby and I was afraid she'd be taken away from me somehow. I assumed that would fade away at least a bit, I knew as a mom I'd always feel that worry, but I thought she'd get older and I'd... I don't know... just stop thinking about it. And I don't think about it too much! Nightly though, as I lay next to her warm and cozy self, I feel so strongly how enormous she is. When parents say that their kids are their life, this is what they mean. She is my absolute entire life, and that's wonderful and frightening at the same time!

And soon we'll have another baby to obsess over and worry about.

Sigh.

Sad smiles

Last night Makena woke around 3am crying from a bad dream. She was saying "No! Don't go babysitting, stay!" and it absolutely broke my heart. Interesting how this is a kid who we rarely leave and she was plagued by that sadness in her dream. I know people say she needs to experience us being gone more so she can learn to be comfortable with it, and I could benefit from the same practice because it's uncomfortable for me to be away from her, too. But I just don't like that idea. I don't like to leave her. And if I don't have to, I'd rather not do something we both dislike.

Today Pam got off work early and I needed to run a few errands. (Side note- last time I told Makena we were going to run errands she started to cry when we were going home and asked when we were going to Erin's house. Oops!) I had to go to the bank, post office and to the next city over to check out a couch that was being offered for free. I figured Makena would stay home with Pam. She was still in her pj's and she's been really missing Mama a lot lately (she got home after 1am last night and Makena hates not seeing her after work. Then when we woke this morning Pam was already gone and Makena was crying about that. Very sad.)

So I thought they'd hang out while I was away. And I wanted to quickly get this stuff done. But Makena started to cry and say that she wanted to come with me. And why not? I always take her with me when we're out and about. I was having a hard time convincing her to stay behind because I might as well take her with me. I didn't really have a good reason for why she couldn't come. It wasn't even that I wanted time away. But Pam wanted her to stay, and it would be faster and easier for me to do it alone.

She kept hugging and holding on to me. I didn't want to leave. Then she seemed to be okay and I put my shoes on but she fell apart again and I fell apart and went into the bedroom to cry. I heard Pam comforting Makena and saying they could go to the park and have fun, and then she told her to go see Mommy in the bedroom and smile and say she's ready to say goodbye.

Makena came in, and gave me a smile. A little smile. A sad smile. A sad little forced smile because she was trying so hard to not cry. She was trying to be strong and brave and she climbed into my lap on the bed and said in a tiny wavering voice, "I'm happy now Mommy, see?"

And then she started to cry. And so I cried some more. And we snuggled and I told her that I don't like to leave her, and that I feel sad when we're apart. And I told her that she and Mama could have some fun together and I wouldn't be gone long anyways, maybe an hour. We both composed ourselves and then I grabbed my purse and she gave me a huge tight hug and we blew each other kisses and I left.

As I drove away I hoped that her last memory of me, if tragedy were to strike, would be the knowledge that I'm just as sad as she is when we're apart. I can be happy while away from her, and I know she can be too! But that doesn't mean we aren't thinking of each other and looking forward to being together again as soon as possible.

When I was coming home I passed her and Pam walking to the park. Makena was excited that she was riding her bike to the park, and happy that I pulled over and could give them the sand toys that were in the car. And instead of joining them at the park like I wanted to, I went home to the empty house and drank some lemonade and took a few deep breaths.

They came home an hour later and I got a big hug and stories of all the fun they had.

Baby steps.

Makena's first lemonade stand!

Last summer Makena wanted to have a lemonade stand. I'm not sure what sparked the idea, maybe it was a book or tv show or maybe we saw one or just mentioned it. She asked about it a few times and we just never did it. Then the weather got colder and I told her we'd be sure to have a lemonade stand at summertime. When we made our Summer 2013 To Do list last month, it was on the top.

I put an ad on freecycle asking for lemons for my 3.5 year old to have her first lemonade stand, and got a few replies. We picked up a big bag of freshly picked Meyer lemons and had fun juicing them. I think we had about 7-8 gallons worth of lemonade made, and then I spilled a huge amount. I figured we had too much anyway, and was more annoyed about having to clean up a huge sticky mess.

We made signs (okay, I made signs) and Makena decided a cup of lemonade should be a quarter. So I bought little cups, and the big cups we sold for $1. I put an ad on craigslist in the garage sale section, and told everyone on facebook to come on by! 

My mom came over to help. The day before Makena had asked me "Does Grandmo have work tomorrow? Does she have the car? Is she coming to buy lemonade or to sit behind the table with me to sell it?" then she asked me to call her and ask. We made pink lemonade cookies and lemon cupcakes (with coconut oil so they tasted lemon coconutty) and key lime frosting. Makena wore a special yellow shirt/dress and was so excited. She woke up this morning asking me when it would be 1 o'clock. To kill some time we walked to the party store and bought 3 yellow balloons. My mom arrived and we got the table cloths ready and then Pam came home and we started setting up at 12:30. As we were grabbing more stuff in the house my mom sent a text telling me we had customers! We brought the lemonade and ice out and Makena was thrilled to have her first sale of the day! 

I wanted to get a photo of our whole set up, we picked a great shaded spot next to the ball field where they were having a game. As I snapped this photo a customer was walking up and I love Makena's excited face! She got shy often and even though we practiced the last few days she seemed to get a bit of stage fright and forgot her customer service skills. We did most of the transactions for her while she put the money into her register. Our method of filling each cup with ice/lemonade wasn't very efficient, next time we'll have a better system!

Overall it was a big success, we had a pretty steady stream of customers and even a line at a couple points! We ran out of lemonade about an hour in, so Pam rushed to Safeway for some back up. We poured the store-bought kind in with the rest of the freshly squeezed kind, so it wasn't exactly false advertising... lol.

She kept drinking more and more lemonade. The cupcakes were a hit. Some people came back for seconds of lemonade, or decided to buy a large cup after drinking their small cup. We even had a couple people drive up to the curb and we brought them a cup right to their car!

She made $41 and that's pretty good considering I spent about $30 on supplies. My mom put in $10 to help us have change, and Pam spent $10 when she went to get more lemonade.

Gosh she's adorable. She had quite a few friends show up and loved seeing them.

Makena said her best part of the day was "When Emily came to the lemonade stand and gave me the placemat I've always been wanting!" (When we went to Disneyland in January she had a choice to buy two different placemats, and she picked the Ariel one. Then once we were home she said she wanted the other one. When Erin was at Disneyland a couple months ago I asked her to grab it and when she opened the bag Makena exclaimed "It's the one I've been wanting!" I love that she doesn't forget stuff!)

Her other favorite part of the day was "Eating lunch at the kid table that Grandmo left here!" Lol. Normally she'll eat at either the kitchen table or on her snack mat in the living room, but we don't have a little table/chair for her. We just don't have the room. My mom let us borrow the little table she got from freecycle for the lemonade stand, and when we were done Makena was excited that it was left behind.

She said the worst part of the day was "When my balloons flew away at the end, and it was so bad I even cried." And she sure did cry. Pam was taking the balloons down and they escaped, and Makena stood there in tears saying she wanted them back right now Mama!

And what will she do with her hard earned money? She said "Buy stuff, like another Minnie doll for the baby, or ice cream, or play mini golf because I never did that!" At bedtime she asked if Mama had work tomorrow, and I said no. She asked if we could do something fun all together, and I asked like what? She said maybe we could go out for ice cream. Sounds good to me! :)

Baby #2

I wanted another baby within months after Makena was born. I missed being pregnant almost immediately and quickly saw her changing from that precious newborn stage to her own little person. As she grew and learned to sit and eat real food and walk away from me, my desire for another baby grew stronger. Who doesn't love babies?! Then Makena got even older, and I realized (what I thought was) my ideal 3 years apart spacing wouldn't be happening. I was bummed out that she didn't have a sibling. I never wanted to have just an only child, I knew I wanted more than one, but not 3. I didn't want to have a middle child because I'm a middle child and I didn't love it. So either 2 or 4 kids has always been my goal.

And of course the timing (aka, our financial situation) was never right for adding to our family, and I took comfort in reminding myself of how lucky we were to be able to focus 110% on solely Makena. Still, she showed a lot of those issues that crop up in only children. I knew a sibling would be the most important gift for her and I couldn't wait to see the joy through her eyes. I knew she'd be a fantastic big sister.

We discussed Pam taking a turn to carry the next baby. When it was decided that I'd attempt to get pregnant first we assumed Pam would go next. And for a while we kept assuming that, but then she decided that logically it made more sense for me to be the pregnant one again. I had an easy enjoyable pregnancy, I'm the stay at home mom and that would make breastfeeding easier, we knew I was in better health, etc.

I really wanted 2013 to be the year we expanded our family. So after confirming that Pam was okay with passing the torch back to me, we jumped right in and I got pregnant. With a due date of 2 months before Makena's 4th birthday, I'm now thrilled with how the timing worked out.

Makena has been so beyond excited. We told her the baby won't be born until November, and that's after Halloween. She likes to come up with name suggestions (Jake, Bat, or Penis for a boy... and all the various Disney princess names and Rose Rose for a girl) and often talks about the things she can teach the baby to do. For the past year she's mentioned having a baby sister, she'd play pretend and tell me about her little sister, every doll was always a sister and never a brother. So at first she was totally hoping we'd have a girl.

Then I borrowed a big stack of books from the library about welcoming a new baby, and one of the books that Makena especially liked had a little girl who tells the story. When it talked about getting an ultrasound to determine the sex of the baby the little girl said "I hope it's a boy because we already have a girl in our family, me!" and Makena latched onto that phrase and started to say she hoped we were having a boy because we already have a girl. And then she wouldn't let it go, and we'd remind her that we didn't know yet what the baby was, and that it might be a girl or a boy. She insisted that it's okay to have a little sister, but that she wants a brother first. And of course Pam and I both have younger brothers so that was another reason to make her say she wanted a brother.

When I was pregnant with Makena I so badly wanted a girl. It should go without saying that obviously I wanted a healthy baby more than anything, but my preference was definitely for a daughter. I felt like I'd be the type of person who'd want to keep having babies until I got a girl. I'm not anti-boys, at all, but I thought I'd feel like our family wouldn't be complete until we had a daughter.

Then when imagining a second baby I pictured another girl. A sister for Makena. It would be a huge sigh of relief that we would get to re-use all her baby clothes that we've saved! I thought of all the positives of having another girl. And if it was a boy, we'd just figure it out.

And then Makena so strongly wanted a boy so we started to imagine baby #2 being a boy. And not only was I at peace with that, but even a bit excited. The chance to raise a loving gentle sensitive boy! An excuse to buy new clothes! Makena would be so excited! I had a few dreams that the baby was a boy, but I also had some girl dreams. I really didn't feel anything either way, and I started to not have a preference. Part of me was leaning towards boy, just for Makena's sake. But then again, little brothers can be such a pain, and I speak from experience! ;) And part of me was leaning towards girl, just for Makena's sake. But then again, I was a little sister and know what a pain they can be! ;)

So I'm 19 weeks pregnant today and we walked into the doctor's office for my anatomy scan. This was it, the big moment where we'd get some confirmation that that baby was healthy and hopefully get a peek at what sex it was. We took Makena along and she was looking forward to finding out. She knew we'd be able to see if there was a penis or vulva, and mentioned a few times in the last few days that she hoped it was growing a penis. We asked the doctor to let us try to determine the sex on our own, and as we were looking at the screen, just like that summer 4 years ago, I didn't see a penis. Instead I saw that telltale three lines of a hamburger shape that means girl!

The doctor confirmed and then printed out a bunch of photos for us to take home.  This was the closest to a good profile shot that he could get, baby was moving around like crazy and shifting in and out of the frame the whole time. I love how squished it is in there, and how it always looks like they don't have legs. The head is on the left, facing up to the top of the photo. Chin is tucked into chest.

This photo is even less clear, but head is still to the left. On the very left are two fists held up to the face. That little tiny white lined oval is an eye. The black spot in the middle towards the right is the heart. 

Once we knew it was a girl I turned to Makena (who had been busy with Pam's phone taking photos and video) and asked her "Did you hear what he said, it's a girl!" and she did a happy shocked/excited face.  A bit later she told Pam that she wanted a brother, but thankfully she didn't burst into tears over it! I was so happy that her initial reaction was joy that I got a little teary eyed. :)

Here's a photo that she took of me getting the ultrasound. She snapped about 12 of the exact same thing- 

My belly looks so poked up! 

Then we left and we asked if she wanted to call her Grandmo to tell her the news. She said into the phone, "I wanted a boy but I got a girl." and repeated it but my mom wasn't understanding. (I should have explained first that we just found out and that Makena was going to tell her!) Then I reminded Makena to say she was going to have a sister, so she said that and was beaming proudly as my mom congratulated her. 

We went to Carter's, the same store we went to after finding out Makena was going to be a girl, and bought a onesie for the baby. Makena of course wanted to buy a million tiny adorable outfits. I can't wait to get the big totes of of storage to see what we saved! Now I wish we hadn't sold a single thing, but I do know we kept a lot. 

I posted this photo on facebook and said that Makena bought something for her sibling, and the rest will all be hand-me-downs! 

There was a moment of disappointment almost, when I realized we weren't having a boy. I think I psyched myself up for it too much, and started to picture how special it would be to have a girl and a boy. And then a bigger realization set in, and now I know I'm having another girl. And I already have the perfect best ever daughter, so what is a second one going to be like?? I'm sure so many parents feel things like this. We love Makena so intensely that the thought of dividing that love by even a fraction seems horrifyingly impossible. Everyone says your heart grows more, I look forward to that, and I'm sure it's true! But right now it's hard to believe.

I can't stop hearing the line in that book over and over again. "We already have a girl in our family, me!" and thinking that we do already have a girl, so how could we possibly clone her awesomeness? How will we get so lucky again? What are we taking away from Makena with this gift of a sibling? And what will she receive?

We'll just have to wait and find out.

And now, the search for a name can really get started. Pam and I have been tossing names around but it's hard to think of something that is mostly unique and has a great meaning like Makena. On the drive home Makena suggested Izzy, which is funny because Jake was her front runner of boys names and both Jake and Izzy are characters from the cartoon Jake And The Neverland Pirates. Pam asked if she wanted to have a baby pirate and Makena said, "No Mama! I just want a baby with a pirate NAME!" Lol.

We didn't decide on Makena's name until a few hours after she was born. I don't know what we'll do this time. I'd love Makena to have some input, but I don't know if her name tastes are in line with my criteria. Maybe I'll do a name post another day, I'm off to bed now to snuggle up to my tiny baby who is really growing up too fast. I'm already mourning the loss of my special only little one, I know that sounds ridiculous but it's like our days are numbered and soon our lives and relationship are going to change so drastically!!

I keep reminding myself that it's all so worth it, and for the best. I can't wait to see Makena as a big sister, I can't wait to nurse a new baby again, and I can't wait to become a family of 4! A family of FOUR GIRLS! :)

4 has always been my favorite number!

Different types of mothers

This has been bothering me for a while. I can't seem to shake it off so I'm writing it out in hopes to work through it...

A few days before Mother's Day I started seeing articles online about what moms really wanted for Mother's Day. Most of them were funny, or at least supposed to be. But they all had the same general theme. And all these similar articles were posted and shared all over. Apparently a lot moms want to spend Mother's Day without their children.

At first I smiled and understood. Yes, I sure do want to go to the bathroom without interruption! Yes, I would love a visit to a spa! Yes, a bath and time to read a real book would be great! But I certainly don't want to be without Makena for the whole day. Even being without her for a short time makes me feel like my heart is missing. I can't think of anything more important I could be doing than being with her. So I started to be annoyed that the overwhelming theme was repeated over and over again that moms just want time to themselves. Me time. I've struggled with this notion that moms should need and want and deserve time alone.

Because not all moms are like that.

Some moms want to spend their Mother's Day with their child. Just like they love spending every single day with that child. Am I just lucky? Is my kid better than all these other kids who have parents that want to constantly escape from them? Am I just more cut out for motherhood because I truly love mothering 24/7 when everyone everywhere is urging me to take time for myself? Is it my personality? The fact that from a very young age all I wanted from life was to be a mom? That I saw no point to attending college and wasting all that money when I planned to be a stay at home mom someday? Or is it my mothering style? I believe in attachment parenting and the immense benefits of forming this lifelong bond. I love that Makena and I are so close. I cherish every moment that I'm blessed to spend with her!

Does this mean I don't have other interests? Things I'd like to do without her? Sure, but they are few and far between. I read another article saying that it's selfish to have more than one child because with each child you lose more and more of yourself until the only thing you are is a mom. It makes me so sad that parents who think like that have children in the first place. Don't have kids if they are such a bother to you, for goodness sake!! I can't wrap my mind around it. I love love LOVE being a mom. There is nothing I'd rather do. I haven't lost any part of myself. I've gained my full potential. Without a child I was just waiting for my life to begin. I enjoyed traveling and falling in love and sleeping in and staying out late. I loved my life, it was great! But I couldn't wait to trade that all for being a mom. I knew without a doubt that I would be a great mom, and that I'd love it!

Is that part of it too? My never-failing confidence that I'd be a great mom? I remember talking about having kids with Pam many years ago. She said she was worried she'd make mistakes and screw up her kids. I thought that was crazy talk. But I hear that repeated often. So many moms are worried they are failing somehow. Am I just lucky that I've NEVER felt that way?! Is it my years of experience working with children? My instinctual knowledge about children? Is it in my genes? Is there a mothering gene that is more dominant in some people? Was it my deep longing to be a mother? Was it my planned and very much wanted pregnancy? I can understand how this differs for a woman who didn't ever want children and ends up with an unwanted pregnancy. Maybe she was a career woman who worked her whole life to be someone important. And now she has to raise a child so she puts them in daycare and hires a night nanny because she needs to be well rested for work and she dreams of escaping to exotic child-free places. I don't know. I don't understand it, but I find I'm in the minority.

I'm certainly not saying it's all rainbows and perfection. I have my tough moments. The days that are so difficult that I can't wait for bedtime so we can start over and make tomorrow better. When we have a not awesome time/day I don't crumble into self-doubt and fear I've ruined her for life. Not at all. In the hardest moments I'm teaching her amazing lessons in how to persevere during difficult times. I get frustrated, I raise my voice. I've made her cry. But these are rare occurrences, and we get through them together with more tools on how to handle it better next time. I don't send her to her room. I snuggle her close and explain how I'm feeling. I apologize. We discuss ways to make it better. And throughout it all I never lose the feeling of the fierce love I feel for my daughter. I remember when she was just a few months old, wondering how other parents could possibly love their children as much as we loved Makena. Marveling that all over the world at the exact same time parents were gazing at their sleeping child and feeling their hearts swell with that unconditional love.

I don't think parents who want to be away from their children don't *love* them, but I do question the ways in which their love is different from mine. When I love something I tend to want it all the time. I love Cinnabons and I would happily eat one daily! Maybe that's a bad example, because surely I'd get sick of them (and probably literally sick) after a while. When Pam and I were falling in love we wanted to be together constantly. I didn't decide I wanted to go to the movies with someone else. She was my priority. I didn't want to do anything unless I was with her. At work we spent the day chatting online for hours. Meeting for lunch. Then back to chatting. It was mutually assumed we'd spend the evening and weekends together. We just belonged together. I think if you've been in love you can relate to that feeling where you can't get enough of each others company.

But I know there are people who have a different personality, and they crave alone time. They might be falling in love but still need to spend some time alone. I get that, we're all different people with different needs.

So why is it so hard for me to comprehend when parents feel that way about their children? Is it because my love for Makena is unlike anything I've ever felt? (And I seriously do really love Cinnabons.) I think part of the difference is if it's adults then they probably both feel the same way. They probably both enjoy time to themselves, and it works out great. But a child wants to be with their parents. And if they don't, it's because they've formed that critical attachment with someone else. And that would break my heart.

I get asked often if since my parents live nearby do they babysit Makena for us all the time. How nice it must be that we can drop her off at her grandparents for the weekend and get away! I'm met with shock when I explain that no, we try hard not to ever need anyone to babysit. No, we've never left her overnight. We just don't even want to! What good would that do, to spend a night away? We've considered the unlikely scenario of "what if we won an all expenses paid vacation for two and couldn't bring her with us?!" And honestly I'd have to pass. I'd worry the whole time, not enjoy it. And even if I did enjoy it I'd worry that if tragedy were to strike I'd never ever forgive myself. What would that say to Makena if she grew up knowing her parents died in a plane crash while they wanted to take a trip to get away from her?? What if we had to live with the fact that we chose to go against our guts and something happened to Makena while we were away?

How does a parent live after that? The slight possibility is enough to scare me away from taking the risk. It just isn't worth that free vacation. A week of happiness and a lifetime of regret. No, I just can't imagine and I don't want to put myself in that situation. I am well aware that tragedy can strike anywhere, anytime. Every time Pam leaves for work I know the possibility is there that she might not come home. On the instances when we leave Makena at home we try to set it up so at least she's safe at home, not out driving with someone or at a busy public place. But we live in earthquake land, and we could return home to disaster. I know these things are unlikely. I understand how probability works. But I also believe in intuition and listening to my gut.

It just feels wrong to be apart from Makena. I don't find joy in it, at all. She's 3 and a half, she's still so little! I'm not talking about a 16 year old who wants to go to the mall with friends. I'm talking about a child who wants to be with me as much as possible. And I'm so so SO happy that I want to be with her too. How lucky is she to have TWO moms who are so equally focused on being as present as possible?! Our life would be very difficult if Pam was constantly begging me for a weekend away, for a kid-free dinner date. Thank god we are on the same page!

How lucky is Makena to have a mom who comes home from work and rushes in the door to take her to the park to play? A mom who calls when she has to miss bedtime because she's in a night class? A mom who hates going to work when she sees me struggling after a rough night of sleep and dealing with a cranky child? Many parents take that opportunity to escape, and are relieved to not be dealing with the tough moments. But Pam and I are a team, and we share parenting duties as equal as possible. And that means Pam is here as much as she can be. Sometimes that means turning down desperately needed money/work shifts in favor of spending the day with us. What are we teaching Makena with that? In our family, family means more than money. As hard as it is to scrape by living paycheck to paycheck, I'm SO thankful that the biggest takeaway from Makena's childhood will be that we value time together more than anything else. More than money, more than her parents getting "me" time. We value our lives together as a family unit. We put Makena and her needs first, because she is the heart of our family.

There's simply no way possible we'd ever regret that.