June! Summertime fun with friends!

Makena is such an amazing helper. She loves Hadley so much and is so eager to pitch in. She likes to feed her, but then Hadley grabs the spoon away or makes a mess and then Makena is like, "Ah! Ok I'm done here!" She was very excited the day I asked her to bathe the baby.

Baby A and Hadley!

We went to the beach near Half Moon Bay, and though it was overcast it was still sunny, and Hadley ended up with a sunburn on the side of her face while she slept in my lap. :( I felt awful. 

Hadley wasn't a fan of the ocean, the water is freezing and I think it scared her. Pam and Makena had a great time! I'm not a beach person, and it was a lot of work to keep the baby out of the sand and sun (which I failed at) but it was fun to watch Makena enjoy herself.

We went to Happy Hollow with friends!

Hadley was making the funniest shrieking noises when she watched the kiddie roller coaster go by. She was excited, then scared, and we stood there watching it for a while as she wrapped her mind around what was going on.

We also went to the Oakland Zoo with preschool friends.

My mom was away visiting family on the east coast for a long time, and Makena missed her very much. She made this countdown calendar all on her own, and wanted me to send this photo to Grandmo and tell her that she wants to go berry picking together when she returns. We did go berry picking at Webb Ranch all together, and got 6 baskets of the most delicious raspberries and ollalieberries. 

Father's day-

Hadley loves the chickens at Grandmo and Grandpoppy's house!

For several months I was keeping track of Hadley's naps to see what pattern she was falling into. I used this app on my phone, and she seemed to take 40 minute naps pretty consistently! Not every day, but most of the time! (Also, I want to note that the night time sleeps that are shown here do not reflect ant night wakings she has. But she just rolls over and nurses and neither of us fully wake.)

Best little sister!

We spent Tuesday mornings at the library for their summer sing-a-long kid concert series. The girls had a great time! We packed snacks and hung out outdoors. I love living within walking distance to downtown!

We spent a lovely afternoon at Shoreline lake for a dear friend's christening party.

Makena went on a paddle boat with Mama! They tried a kayak next, and I thought Makena would get tired but Pam reports she did great!

I was selected to be interviewed by a baby food company. They wanted to talk to real moms in their homes, about what, how, and why we feed our children the way we do. It was a lot of fun and I got to talk about my parenting philosophy and the choices I make. The video apparently will only be used for research in-house for the company to decide what changes to make to their products. I won't be on tv or anything. Unfortunately. ;)

May catch up!

We celebrated May with the the May Fete parade in downtown Palo Alto. We walked with our preschool and Makena rode her scooter. My mom quickly walked ahead throughout the route and stopped to wave as we passed a few times.

I'm pretty sure I've already written about Makena's reaction when she gets hurt. Basically she acts as if her arm is falling off. Every little scrape has Pam and I sighing over how difficult the next few days will be. She cries if the hurt body part touches water, and will spend an entire bath with her foot held above the water. She cries when getting in her car seat, changing her clothes, anything. Usually it's a tiny splinter, but sometimes it's more.

Recently she's been doing SO GREAT at being dropped off at preschool, and has become so comfortable there. I am so proud of her. What a special preschool we found! The other parents and teachers are amazing and everyone is super friendly and helpful. We all pitch in and it's made this fantastic community where she really thrives. In early May there was an event at the school and she was playing outside while I went in to grab something. It was very busy, lots of people were there and she was having a blast. I didn't tell her I was going inside, I knew she'd be fine and I was going to be quick anyway. As I was coming back out I saw her talking with a friend's dad, and could tell from across the yard that he was pointing me out and showing her I was coming. She started to happily run towards me, and then suddenly slipped on a concrete walkway and fell badly. As I continued to walk to her a group of concerned parents near her stepped in to help her up. She was screaming and when I bent down (awkwardly, with Hadley on my chest in the Ergo) to hug her I saw her elbow was bleeding. Not just bleeding, but covered with dirt and sand inside the scrape.

Oh boy, this was going to be a doozy!! She calmed down a bit and asked to go home. I got her in the car and snapped this photo and sent it to Pam, saying we were heading home and to gear up for helping me get this cleaned up.

On the drive I spoke about how we needed to clean it so it doesn't get infected, and she cried and cried and I tried to keep it nonchalant and easy. It was anything but easy once we got home. Eventually I distracted her enough with a glow in the dark bath, She got in with me and we turned off the lights and played with glow sticks. I kept splashing her and making sure to get her elbow wet, and then when she complained about it I had her hold a wet washcloth there, that I "accidentally" kept pulling off a bit. When the bath was over we saw my plan worked, and it looked pretty cleaned out. I hate to trick her like that but I also didn't want to hold her down screaming and fighting. Pam had the idea to dress the wound with this "cast" that Makena wore for a couple days, since a regular band-aid was too small.

Before we had kids we wondered what would happen for Mother's Day. So far we've been having her make each of us a card, with the other mom's help. We knew there was a little special something planned at preschool so I made sure to be there even though it was a Thursday and Pam took her on Thursdays. She had told me a few days prior that she couldn't tell us about it, but she got to make TWO gifts for us. When I told Pam later that evening we said "awww!" and were looking forward to the surprise.

She gave us each a little flower pot that she painted and planted a flower in, and then at the end of class each kid was called up with the teacher to talk about what they love the most about their mom. They had previously drawn pictures and the teachers wrote out what they said. Makena didn't want to say anything, but she did go up there and smiled shyly, then came back and sat in our laps. The picture for me said, "I love Mommy because she takes me to the park" and had a picture of me. The one for Pam said, "I love Mama because she takes me to the ice cream store" and had a picture of her and some flowers. The flowers represented each of us, a tall green one for Pam, blue for me, smaller purple one for Makena, and tiny pink one for Hadley. :) It was so cute and I cried.

When Hadley was a few days old we noticed her stomach looked strange when she strained to lift her head, and as she got stronger and was helped up to a sitting position from laying down it became more obvious. I posted this photo on facebook asking what it was and a friend suggested it might be Diastasis Recti, and a quick look online had me fairly certain that's exactly it. I'll ask the doctor to confirm the next time we go in. It's a harmless condition that some babies have because their abdominal muscles aren't fully formed, and should go away on it's own in time.

Makena loves the Seussical soundtrack, we listen to it every so often in the car. I knew I wanted to take her to see it someday so I have kept my eye out for a local production. We were driving one day and pulled to a stop next to a fence that had a huge banner advertising it at the Palo Alto Children's Theater. I bought us tickets that evening, and we counted down the days! Tickets were very cheap, and without assigned seating, so I assumed it would be a cute but little dinky show. I definitely wasn't expecting it to be so great! We had such a good time. At the end we had to leave quickly to get Hadley from Pam who had taken her to babysit with her, I wished we could have mingled, she would've loved to see the kids from the cast come out! We walked to the car and she said "My favorite parts were every part. The first part, the second part, all of it!" It was a fun special time for the two of us.

We really need these outings together. I miss her so much sometimes, especially when we're frustrated with each other and need to reconnect, but that's so hard to do at home during a regular day. I mean, it's not her that I miss, I'm with her all the time. It's US that I miss. She's always been a really enjoyable child, there are obviously tough moments but the overwhelmingly majority of the time she's awesome to be around and I truly love spending time with her! And we had just fallen into a really great groove with each other when Hadley joined the family. I knew a huge shift was coming, and even the anticipation of it saddened me. It really was hard to lose that bond. Not the whole bond, but many of those strong strings that held us so fiercely together were severed. I love that she and Pam have gotten closer, it's a huge relief to know we are more equal now when it comes to satisfying Makena's emotional needs. There are even times when Makena prefers Mama over me. Sometimes it stings a bit, but I usually understand because Pam often can give her more of what she needs. I'm so very thankful that we got almost 4 years together of just us!! I'm really happy with who she is as a person and I know a lot of that awesomeness is thanks to me. I've put a lot of work into raising her!

For Mother's Day we went to breakfast with my mom and my sister and the kids, then went back to my parent's place for photos.

Hadley and baby K love to play! So interesting how babies always go straight for the eyes!

On May 18th we gave Hadley some avocado to try as her first food. Makena didn't (and still doesn't) like avocado. Hadley LOVED it!!

Later in May Makena came down with something that really knocked her out. She had a bad cough and a fever that wouldn't go away for 5 days, we took her to the doctor twice. It was so hard to see her so sick. She was miserable and couldn't sleep at night, so she napped throughout the day.

The second doctor we took her to a couple days later noticed that Makena had an ear infection, and that it was "middle ear and bulging" and possibly turned bacterial, so she started taking antibiotics and thankfully immediately got better. It was pretty amazing, the fever and cough went away and she was sleeping and eating like normal. As much as I didn't want her on antibiotics, I understand that they have their time and place and they definitely did their job. I just kept reminding myself that she is a strong healthy child and her body was working hard, still, it's not easy to have that little voice in the back of your head worrying you that it's something more serious. You hear stories of children that were completely fine and then not. And you wonder if there were signs. So after a few days went by and she wasn't getting any better, my paranoid side started to wonder if this was a sign. A huge sigh of relief that it was something curable by modern medicine. We got her on probiotics to help repair some of the damage, and she now loves to take them every morning!


And now some photos of Hadley being adorable at 6 months old!

With Grandpoppy-

Being silly, she loves to laugh!

Makena made this countdown calendar of "7 M" (months) until Christmas. Lol.

(I'd just like to note that today's date is September 17th, and I'm just now finishing my May catch up post. I always want to update this blog but find it so daunting to have so much to do. I should just stop trying to catch up and write in the present tense, but I don't want to have big gaps of our lives! This is such an important record to me, of these precious early childhood years!) 

Big Girl Bed

A couple weeks ago we got Makena a big girl bed. This is what the set up has been since September. Before that, the crib didn't have the little half toddler rail on it, it was just open. We added the rail and called it her big girl bed in hopes she would stay on that side instead of crawling over and plastering herself next to me.



She had been falling asleep with one of us laying with her in the queen bed we share, then when baby and I were ready we moved Makena to the livingroom to sleep on the couch bed with Pam. But she was excited by the idea of her own special bed, especially after noticing all her friends beds. In mid-March she asked if she could put herself to sleep, to prove that she was ready for her own bed.

I kept looking on craigslist for a deal, and finally found a cheap loft bed that I thought would be great. Then I woke up the morning I was scheduled to go buy it and thought about how Makena moves so much and sleepwalks a bit. (she has never gotten out of bed, but she frequently sits up in bed and mumbles and then flops back down.) I decided to pass on the bed and think of other options. There was a space issue though, a loft meant we could just put it over some furniture in the already cramped bedroom.

Thankfully a perfect solution came up, someone was selling an Ikea Kura kids loft bed for $100, mattress included! We had gone to the store, just she and I, and picked out a bedding set. She said she wanted a licensed character set, Disney princess or Frozen or My Little Pony, etc. but at the store we saw a purple polka dot/butterfly/flower pattern and I was relieved that it wasn't something so commercialized so we bought it.

We had a tough time figuring out where it would fit. Finally it was decided that the crib had to go. :( It's being stored in my parent's basement for now, since Hadley is in bed with me anyways. We also had to move Makena's white dresser out, and now that's in the living room. Not ideal, but we're doing the best we can with our small apartment!



We put her toy shelf and little couch and stuffed animals under the loft. She's got a really cute little place space now, and I made these curtains for her so it's a bit private and special. (I'm using the term "made" loosely, I just cut a curtain in half and sewed a pocket for a shower rod to hold it up!)



March 29th was her first night in her new bed.

The first few nights were rough, she wanted so badly to show us she could fall asleep on her own. She had been practicing that and was very proud of herself! But with the new bed she needed some help getting used to it. Sometimes Hadley would need me to carry her and walk around without stopping, so on night's when I was solo for the evening I would just have to say goodnight to Makena and check back on her intermittently. Eventually she'd fall asleep despite sometimes sadly crying "I just can't go to sleep alone!"

So with the new bed we were nervous/excited to see her transition into this new phase. It was tricky for a bit, we told her right from the start that adults can't go up there with her, so we would stand at the side and hug her and sing while she fell asleep. But in the middle of the night or very early morning she would wake up and ask to go sleep with Mama in the living room. Of course I always told her that was fine. Sometimes she'd ask to come down and snuggle with me but I'd have to nurse the baby since she'd wake up and then Makena would want to go to Mama.

At the end of April Pam suggested we do a little sticker reward chart, and she and Makena decided that after 10 nights of falling asleep and staying in bed all night, Makena would get something special.

The first night she cried and said it was too hard. :( We told her the nights don't have to be all in a row, and she asked if we could change it to 8 nights. We said that was fine, just trying to keep the whole thing very casual.

Well she did the next 8 nights all in a row! She fell asleep in bed, mostly with Pam standing next to the bed, cuddling her, but a couple nights Pam is out late so I sat in the room and got Hadley to sleep and put on bedtime music for Makena and she fell asleep! She was so proud of herself, and kept adding her stickers to the chart and getting excited about her prize. And what did she ask for, when I said she could pick something special? A piece of Easter candy. Lol! Then later she said she wanted to go with the whole family to Area 151, a fun little arcade where she likes to redeem her game tickets for little Disney Squinkies. She was very upset when we told her we would definitely go there, but couldn't that day.

And now for bedtime she usually falls asleep pretty quickly after a goodnight hug and kiss. I play or hum or sing her favorite bedtime songs while I sit on my bed and rock/bounce Hadley to sleep and most of the time Makena's asleep within 10 minutes. It helps when bedtime is around 8pm. It's been 7pm for a couple years, but now with summer it seems to be getting pushed back a bit, and then she has an easier time getting to sleep.

 So for now, this is what a few minutes after bedtime looks like. I go to bed when Hadley starts to stir (around 10/11) and I nurse her then we fall asleep and she sleeps until morning. Bless her!

In the early morning, around 6/7am Makena wakes up and asks to come down into bed with me. We cuddle a bit but usually the baby is waking up and nursing around then, and eventually Makena goes into the living room to cuddle with Pam. I miss the days when Makena and I would wake up together and cuddle. Now I'm turned the other way with the baby attached to my boob and it's just not the same. We've gone through soooooo many different sleep arrangements in the past 4+ years. This is working really well, but I'm sure something will change eventually! Like a baby that crawls. Oof. We will cross that bridge when we get there!!

April catch up!

April was when things started to finally get easier, as far as balancing the needs of 2 children. We were all settling in to our new normal. Makena (and I) were still having some very emotional moments, but mostly it was good. Pam and I celebrated our anniversary with fondue! And yes, the kids came with us. Because we just love them that much! :)

Makena was very proud of her April Fool's Day prank of giving everyone brownies. (She used a brown marker and wrote the letter E all over a piece of paper... BROWN E, get it?!) And then Pam said "Makena I made you some brownies!" She of course thought it was the same prank and sighed as she ripped off the tin foil, only to discover there were real delicious brownies!!

Also she came up with her very first April Fool's joke-
"Mommy, come in here!"Why? What's up?"I just want to see you!"Aww, okay. "April Fool's!"What? I don't get it. What is the joke?"I didn't really want to see you."

Hahahahahahaha!

We had a lot of fun playing with the silly camera setting on my phone. Makena went through a phase where every day she was wanting to take these photos.

I went to MommyCon in San Francisco, and got to listen to some amazing lectures by awesome people who are supporters of attachment and natural parenting. Alanis Morrssette spoke about the transition to motherhood and her home birth and struggles with PPD. Dr Jay Gordon and Jamie Lynne Grumet spoke about cosleeping and full term breastfeeding and why parents aren't crazy for not blindly following whatever their pediatrician recommends. And the bloggers from The Leaky Boob and The Honest Toddler were there too, and all in all it was a fabulous day! I also got the chance to weigh Hadley before and after a nursing session and saw she ate about 4 oz.

One weekend at the farmer's market I offered to try carrying Makena in the Ergo, and she loved it! I think she feels sad sometimes to see me always carrying Hadley so close, she often asks for lots of snuggles and cuddles. I try to carve out special "Mommy & Makena" time whenever I can.

When I put Hadley down for a nap I tell Makena I'll be out in a few minutes, but sometimes it takes about 20 minutes until I can leave the bedroom. Without fail, the second I go into the bedroom Makena suddenly wants a snack, or help with something. I started telling her that she's welcome to help herself to any healthy snack, any game on the computer or show on tv. And 99% of the time she quietly picks something to do and is fine. But sometimes she interrupts nap time and comes in to ask:
"Can I have a yogurt?" 
"Can I use the computer?" 
"Can I watch another Curious George?" 
"Can you help me find the yogurt?" "Can you open the yogurt for me?"
"I can't find the yogurt and it has too much sugar so can I have some Easter chocolate instead?" 
"Is Hadley asleep yet?"
"Now is she asleep?"
"When can you put her down and come into the living room?"
"I didn't like this chocolate, can I try another one?"
"When will Mama be home?"

Lol. Sometimes she sits down to use the potty right as the baby is closing her eyes and needs me to come wipe, calling out for me while I'm trying desperately to get the baby into a deep enough sleep to put her down. And one time I walked into the kitchen to see this. She stacked a pillow, 2 stools, and a booster seat to climb onto the counter and reach a cup.

On Easter morning the girls woke up to find their baskets. Makena was so excited that she got to find Hadley's for her.

We went to my parent's house for lunch.

 Makena started to learn how to read! She started by writing a lot, and sounding out words that way, so reading has come pretty easily for her. One day she asked to bring the book Jasper's Beanstalk to school to read to her teacher. She was so proud of herself!

At the end of April we went to the Galactic Gala at Makena's preschool. My board job was the silent auction for the Spring Fundraiser, which is this super fun adults only party. But Hadley got to come because I wouldn't have attended without her, and she was happily worn anyway. Plus we won the costume contest!

Makena's really made my heart swell with gratitude and joy. I'm so happy that she and Hadley have each other. I love that in the car Makena keeps her little sister entertained. We often look back there to see Hadley just beaming at her big sister! And if we are home and busy in the kitchen Makena will usually be playing with the baby. Hadley adores her, and Makena makes her laugh like nobody else!

Mama Interview & Birthday Survey

All About Pam this time! I did the interview for me before. :)

1. What is something mama always says to you? 
Everything!

2. What makes mama happy?
 When I say "I love you" and also the Broncos.

3. What makes her sad? 
 When I don't say "I love you."

4. How does mama make you laugh? 
She tickles my tickle pits.

5. What was your mama like as a child? 
I don't know! I wasn't even born yet.

6. How old is your mama? 
Not 100. Um, 40!

7. How tall is your mama? 
29 feet.

8. What is her favorite thing to do? 
Nap.

9. What does your mama do when you’re not around? 
Watch football.

10. If your mama becomes famous, what will it be for? 
Making monkeys stick to her on sparkly dresses like I just did.

11. What is your mama really good at? 
Making breakfast.

12. What is your mama not very good at? 
I don't know. She's still learning how to make movies.

13. What does your mama do for her job? 
To be a teacher.

14. What is your mama’s favorite food? 
Peanut butter and ketchup.

15. What makes you proud of your mama? 
Um that she makes money for us and that she doesn't panic.

16. If your mama were a cartoon character, who would she be? 
Maybe Curious George's friend, the man with the yellow hat, and I'd be George.

17. What do you and mama do together? 
Go out, like to the children's museum and ride bikes and go to parks.

18. How are you and mama the same? 
We both have brown hair.

19. How are you and mama different? 
That I don't have glasses.

20. How do you know your mama loves you? 
But she always says it. "Oh I love you sweetheart, I love you." And she says it again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm trying to remember to ask Makena the following questions every year-

Favorite color?
Purple. My new favorite color is golden but I still like purple so it's a deal.

Favorite food? 
Olives.

Favorite drink? 
Water. But my favorite juice is pineapple juice!

What do you want to be when you grow up? 
I want to be a veterinarian. 

What's your favorite movie?
Frozen.

What's your favorite toy?
My giant giant castle.

What is your favorite thing about being you?
That I'm kind and helpful and I like everyone I see.

Where do you wish we could go right now?
To Disneyland!

What would you buy with a million dollars?
A new TV. A house, a plain gray one and we could paint it purple.

What's the best thing you've done this past year?
Went in the pool.

I lay awake at night

Often, about 95% of the time, right before drifting off to sleep my brain fills with scary awful what-ifs. (What if there was an earth quake right now and the building collapsed?!) I allow a moment or so to process, then quickly squelch these bad thoughts and focus on positives.

Like how much I love my children and how I so very desprately want them to always know that, especially if I dont get the pleasure of watching them grow up. It's very terrifying to think of losing them, and almost equally as horrifying to imagine them losing me. Would they remember me? Would they know about this blog? Would it comfort them? Oh how I hope so. My heart aches when I reflect upon my life and how grateful and lucky I am and the fact that there are mothers and children all over who have had to say goodbye way too soon.

Some nights I lay awake thinking of all the things I want to write down just in case. If I knew I had only a short time left I would love to write letters to both girls for them to open throughout their lives. Notes about life, friendships, love, marraige, lessons, tips, reminders. Or make videos of me talking to them, readimg stories, singing their favorite songs. Anything tangible to bring them peace. But I usually convince myself to go to bed, everything is fine. It's just that I dont want the "it'll never happen to me" attitude. Life, it's unpredictable. I don't want to regret not leaving them anything so personal and thoughtful. I don't want them to forget me. Please let them always know how much I wanted and loved them.

It is so amazing to love so fiercely, and to have pieces of my heart beating in two beautiful little girls, but it can also be so painful to admit it can all be lost. My love, my hopes and dreams for my children. My gratitude. All my cups are overflowing. I want my legacy to be that I loved deeply and never for one second took any of my gift of motherhood for granted. Oh my heart,   my heart, my heart. Every beat is a reminder. Love, love, love. Joy, joy, joy. I am forever and always blessed and beyond thankful for the most valuable riches in the universe.