Our Special Family Day & Maternity Photos!

A couple months ago Makena saw something on TV about eating on a train in a dining car. She thought the idea was fascinating, and we talked about how you can eat on a train or a boat or even an airplane. (This is a kid who regularly eats snacks in the car, lol.) I looked up train trips to see how much it would cost for a little lunch date, but they don't work like that apparently. You have to travel a pretty significant distance for the dining car to be open. So I looked up brunch cruises and they were so expensive that I quickly shot down that idea. She kept mentioning it for a while, and I brushed it off, and eventually she stopped.

I was recently babysitting and was chatting with their housemate who mentioned she worked at Hornblower Cruises. I told her about Makena's obsession with the idea of eating on a train or boat, and the next thing I knew I was being offered 2 complimentary passes for a dining cruise!! WHAT?! And, she told me that Makena would actually be free since she's under 4 years old, so Pam and I could both go! I was beyond thrilled and so thankful! Those tickets are $69 each! I decided we'd plan a fun special day out and do some special things before our family of 3 turns into a family of 4. I called and booked the cruise for Sunday the 10th.

Another thing I'd been really wanting to do was to take Makena to see Peter Pan. We've been looking forward to taking her to her first real musical theater performance, and the local youth theater group was doing Peter Pan at the community theater downtown. I tried to get the $10 tickets for the weekday afternoon showing, but they were sold out so I picked a Sunday evening. Then we went to the library and borrowed the CD so Makena could be familiar with all the songs and I got the stage version of the DVD so she'd know what to expect. At bedtime she started requesting I sing Tender Shepherd and Never Neverland.

So with tickets in my hand for a brunch cruise followed by an evening at the theater we made a count down chain and anticipated our special family day! We kept talking about what a fun day it would be, and although we've had a few rough days lately with Makena's behavior and some intense tantrums and I was a bit worried she'd be a disaster and have a miserable time, I also thought that maybe all she needed was a day of our full attention and some exciting plans. And it worked beautifully! It really was a fantastic day, my heart was so full!

We got to the pier in San Francisco early, and sat in the car while we waited so we wouldn't have to start paying the meter yet. When it was time to board we had to wait with a big group and slowly made our way through the line and got on the boat. As we got to our assigned table I realized it was even fancier than I expected, and Makena was so excited about the special glass she got to drink her orange juice out of. Since we boarded early, 30 minutes before the departure time, she got a bit antsy. Once the boat started to move she was excited again. We got our food and she was wide-eyed by the dessert table. She's not a fan of chocolate covered strawberries, so strange! The croissants (with powdered sugar) were her favorite part, she said at one point- "I can't wait to come back again some day for more croissants! Maybe after this one I can get a third! We let her indulge in whatever she wanted, since it was free and we so rarely get to do that.

Then she wanted to go outside and we spent some time on the upper deck pointing out the sights of the city she was born in. I grew up in this area and have never been on a cruise around SF bay! It was really fun. Super windy and an insane amount of seagulls following us around, but fun! Makena loved this raised platform and declared it her dance floor. There was an actual dance floor in the dining room, right next to our table, and the piano player started to play Twinkle Twinkle when he saw Makena dancing but she got shy and ran back to our table to hide behind me. We took a bunch of photos, and she asked to take one of us. She stood there forever saying it wasn't working, then when I looked there were 12 of the exact same photo. Lol.

We went under the Golden Gate Bridge and then back inside to eat lunch and visit the restocked dessert table. Makena asked Mama to dance with her.

When the lovely 2 hour cruise was over we headed home but stopped at Stanford Shopping Center to take some maternity photos. I really loved our maternity photo shoot when I was pregnant with Makena, but we couldn't afford to do it this time and so Pam borrowed a nice camera from a friend and she took these!

Makena was upset that we were going home and didn't want to take any photos. She started to cry and said she wouldn't take any. Then we saw a huge Christmas tree and she perked up and wanted to take photos of kissing and hugging my belly.

On our way to the car we passed these flowers and she said she wanted to take another photo with my belly. :) I really wish we had asked someone to take a photo of the 3 of us, I kept meaning to have Pam join us in a photo but didn't remember.

We had a little downtime at home then went to dinner at Amici's for some pizza before walking over to the theater. And we took the first (and only) family photo of the day!

And then it happened, the doors opened and we got to find our seats. 3rd row center orchestra! (The ticket prices were the same no matter where you sit, so when I bought them I wasn't going to settle for crappy seats!) Makena was so excited! Of course there were three adults in a row in front of us, so she mostly sat on Pam's lap so she could see.

The lights finally dimmed and the show started! At intermission she started to cry and we weren't sure what was wrong until she asked me through tears when we could come back. Awww, she thought it was over and we weren't going to watch the whole show! She liked looking at the orchestra and sneaking bites of sour gummy worms while we waited for the second act to begin. During one of the pirate songs she got bored and asked for the next part, lol. And when it was time to clap to bring Tinkerbell back to life she enthusiastically clapped and was beaming. At the end Peter was flying and waved goodbye and she leaned forward and waved. I had a headache from trying not to cry so much! It was just so touching to spend such an awesome day all together. We don't get many chances to splurge like that and it made me feel really emotional that we were given the opportunity. As we walked out of the theater Makena was very sad that Peter Pan didn't fly out over the audience. I tried to explain the limitations of community youth theater!

We got home and I kept thinking about how perfect our family of 3 is, and what a huge change is coming. We're so very excited about the new baby, there's no doubt of that!! But we know the transition will be difficult at times until we find our new rhythm. When we try to think about the logistics of sleep arrangements and driving to work/preschool it seems overwhelming, so we're trying to surrender to the fact that we'll just have to deal with it as it comes. It's really unfortunate that we can't afford for Pam to take off work. Thankfully there are people who are willing to help us and I know I can ask anyone for anything, but I also know I'll want her around as much as she wishes she could be home!! 

Last night we went on a final date night for who knows how long. It took us 7 months after Makena was born for us to go on our first night out together. We used the $100 gift certificate to Flemings's Steakhouse that we won for selling the most raffle tickets at Makena's preschool. Makena was excited that my mom was coming over with a surprise movie (The Jungle Book, which she's been trying to get her hands on for a while). We went to dinner and it was a super fancy place and we had fun giggling about how out of place we were while eating overpriced food. We even accidentally ordered water that cost us $7! We got home around 8pm and when we walked in the door Makena jumped up from her blanket on the floor where they had been eating popcorn and watching the movie and came running and crying to us. But nothing was wrong, she was just upset that we were home and they didn't finish the movie. So we said Grandmo could stay a bit longer and we went into the other room. 

She's a funny kid!

Loving Two (a poem I found online)

This poem I found captures so many of my feelings. I know that a sibling is a precious gift, and I so look forward to having a pair of little girls grow up together and marveling over their sisterly bond. But that doesn't change the dread I feel already over losing so much time with Makena. It's been just her for almost 4 years, and I've soaked up every moment we share for the blessing it is. She gets my undivided attention, all my hugs, my full lap... and all that is about to change. It's going to be a tough transition for all of us!

I really wanted to do something special with just the two of us before the baby is born. We were given a pair of tickets to take a brunch cruise around the San Francisco bay, and Makena's been fascinated with the idea of eating on a boat so I know she'll love it. Plus kids under 4 are free, so Pam gets to come too! I thought about how Makena and I spend almost all of our time together just the two of us, and that it's important for us to do a special family thing before our 3 become 4. We're going next Sunday on November 10th. Then that evening the fun continues and we're all going to see Peter Pan, Makena's first official musical theater performance! It's a youth production (held at our city's center of performing arts, where I did performances when I was a kid) and we're really excited to take her. I've been playing the soundtrack and she can't wait!

Tomorrow is our baby shower! We're looking forward to seeing everyone and celebrating. Makena seems to have mixed feelings about it, we've been moving so much stuff out of our apartment and into storage (and selling a lot too) and it's been upsetting for her to see her stuff get taken away. Especially because it's to make room for the new baby. So I think knowing that we're having a party for the baby is exciting yet a little confusing for her. She asked me if the baby will be there, lol. It was fun to show her photos of her baby shower, and some of the gifts we received for her before she was born.

But anyway, on with the poem!

Loving Two 

As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship, suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.

And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you.

I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" And I hear myself telling you in mine,"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.

I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three.

I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.

And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

36 Weeks and Preschool Update

We had our home visit for the birth team today. My midwife, her assistant, my doula, my mom, and of course Pam, Makena and I. It was great, we talked about all the supplies and went over what we still need to gather, and discussed where to set up the birth pool. Very exciting!! It's getting more real for sure now. I'm so looking forward to this baby's birth. I can't believe we'll have two kids for Christmas!

And now some photos-

Makena made a wish that she didn't have to go to bed. Of course. Lol. 

We've been having fun with her buddies Ian and Colin.

And we went to the Oakland Zoo for the second year in a row to participate in the JDRF Walk to Find a Cure for Type 1 Diabetes.

While picking up Pam at her preschool job one day Makena wanted to go in and play a bit. She wrote her name all by herself n the chalk board.

She loves to help measure my belly and listen to baby's heartbeat with the fetoscope.

The other day Pam dropped off Makena and I at preschool and went to the bank. She called me a few minutes later and said, "Bad news, I was in a crash." She was going to turn right and then suddenly the recycling truck she had pulled up next to started to turn right... right into our car. So it was more of a scraping pushing than an actual crash. Regardless, the initial report is approximately $4,500 in damage. We're still waiting on the police report to see who is at fault, and find out what insurance will cover. We have a $1,000 deductible which we can't pay, so we're hoping it's determined that the recycling truck was at fault. Sucks to be dealing with this now, but thankfully she was fine and the damage seems to be just cosmetic and not structural. We haven't even had this car a year, 11 months ago I was rear-ended and our car was totaled and we bought this one. It's so frustrating to have bad stuff happen, especially when it involves money. We could really use a good luck streak!!

Bed time has had some rough struggles lately. I was hoping that Pam could be in charge of getting Makena to bed before the baby arrived, but that just isn't happening.

Makena's preschool Fall Carnival was a big hit, and we won the contest for the most sold raffle booklets! We sold 25, and got a $100 giftcard to a steakhouse! My mom (who bought a few booklets) won a $50 giftcard to a different steakhouse. Pretty funny for a bunch of vegetarians. ;) The menus look great though, there are plenty of choices. Pam and I will have a nice final date night before the baby is born.

A few of our friends also won prizes from the raffle tickets they bought from us, and those who aren't local told us to keep the prizes, so we got an interior car detailing gift certificate and 2 passes to Happy Hollow and another restaurant giftcard. Little stuff like that really makes our day, because it allows us to have fun times that we otherwise can't afford. My mom donated a dozen eggs from her chickens to the silent auction, and they were valued at about $8 and sold for $25 I think!

And speaking of preschool, the other night during her bath Makena suddenly burst into tears and said she wishes she was like her friend Natalia at school. I assumed she meant because Natalia can cross the monkey bars and ride a two-wheeler bike, but she was sobbing and said "Natalia's mommy never stays at school with her and she never even cries or is sad!" (Her mom has been on maternity leave since she recently had a baby and her work parent shifts have been covered by the rest of us. We've never talked about that with Makena and I'm surprised she picked up on it.) Then she asked if I had to leave tomorrow or if it was my work day. I told her I would stay with her in the beginning then leave for a little while. She was crying and saying she wanted to stay home and not go to school. :( It was breaking my heart. Then yesterday morning she work up and started to cry and said her belly hurts and she thinks she has a fever and can't go to school. But we got ready to go and on the drive she said "I'm so excited! I can't wait for the baby to be born so I can have some milk! It's been so hard for me to fall asleep without milk."

Oh, my heart.

I had emailed her teacher to let her know that we might need some extra help when I leave, but Makena was fine, said goodbye and ran off to play. I went to Blossom Birth to volunteer some time and when I returned to preschool Makena gave me a huge tight hug and we sat down for the final story time/songs.

I love this outfit she picked out.

Then I was sitting and chatting with some other parents and I heard her screaming and saw her running towards me. She had been running along a paved path and fell, scraping up her cheek and knees and hands. Poor girl. We went over to her friend Natalia's house to play and they had a great time. We hope this means they'll play more together at school now!

Camping trip

We'd been wanting to go camping all summer, but it was one of our toughest summers financially and we just couldn't afford to pay for it, or have Pam take off from work. But my parents and sister wanted to go too, so they booked a site and we said we'd join them. Ont he drive up to Lake Del Valle we got stuck in crappy Friday rush hour traffic. And that's precisely when Makena announced she had to go potty "right now!!" We pulled over and the little travel potty seat came to the rescue!

Hiking with Mama and Grandmo.

Playing in the dirt with cousin Sofia.

Helping Grandpoppy with the fire.

Smores. Makena wouldn't eat them (have I mentioned how much I love this kid!), but she liked helping to roast the marshmallows!

Grandmo reading the kids a bedtime story.

Picking up trash while on a hike,

It was a fun short trip, Makena was pretty much covered in a layer of dirt the entire time. She liked riding her scooter with Sofia, and going on little hikes and exploring. And she liked finding long sticks to poke at the fire with cousin Nicolas. She had been going through an exceptionally clingy phase and that was difficult at times, even being outdoors wasn't helping! But we made it through, as always!

First few days of preschool

Makena's preschool is so amazing, we feel very lucky to have found such a gem! We're attending thanks to a partial scholarship, and we're putting in as many extra work hours as possible to help bridge that gap. There is a high parental involvement commitment with this co-op, which we love. We may not have money to donate to the school, but we do have time and enthusiasm! Makena goes on M/W/Th mornings, and Thursdays are our official work parent day. Just recently I stopped staying with her on M/W, but I'll write more about that later...

Photos from her first day! Pam's preschool job hadn't started yet, so she got to come too! 

She loved finding her cubby!

Dot art!

Playing with shaving cream. As we left she was looking for her shaving cream picture, and I had to explain that she didn't actually make a picture, lol.

How cool that her preschool has a zip-line?! The kids call it the Flying Fox. I'm so proud that Makena will do it solo!

She loves the outdoor painting that's always set up and available. She also loves being barefoot. I've worked in with schools and always enforced the shoes on policy for safety, but this school is pretty "free range" and the kids have the freedom to do what they want for the most part. It's completely play-based and there are always art/math/writing stations set up with parents leading the activities, but none of it is required for the kids to participate in. Aside from the obvious like not hitting, he only things they "have" to do are play in the correct playground (we switch from the large front one to the back playground on days when the other classroom is in session) and sit at the rug for story/music time. They also need to wash their hands before snack and sit at the tables for at least a few minutes, then bus their own plate/cup and dispose of everything in the correct compost or recycling bin.

With her teacher and holding the class pet guinea pigs! The kids get to play with them outside on this clover patch every day. These are the friendliest guinea pigs I've ever met. Thank goodness for such a hardy little pet, they get handled constantly and are such good sports!

Riding a two-wheeler (with training wheels)! She was so proud of herself.

Building a volcano in the huge sandbox.

She wrote the STO all by herself, but I helped remind her to make a line then a loop for the P!

Putting on a puppet show for some classmates and the teacher.

This is her favorite swing. On the first day that I left her at preschool I sat in my car and spied on her, and she seriously was in this swing for over 30 minutes.

So, the transition to having me with her 24/7 and me dropping her off at preschool has been a bit of a roller coaster, and it's still a work in progress. I feel so conflicted about it, because I don't have anything else I need to be doing and I genuinely love being with her. Forcing her into a situation that upsets her just upsets me, and I find it all so pointless. But I would love for her to love her school and be comfortable being there without me, especially since the baby will be here soon and I think it's important that she has a place where she can have her own fun. And I didn't want the baby to be born then have to suddenly start dropping Makena off.

Her teacher has been super great and supportive of us taking baby steps. I started by not following Makena around constantly, even though she'd whine and ask me to be with her and sit next to her, etc. But I'd encourage her to sit down and do the project while I stood off to the side, or I'd sit on the couch while she played in the dress up corner, being present but not engaging. We talked a lot about the other kids who are dropped off and their parents pick them up at the end. We talked about all the work parents and the teacher and aide that are always there to help. Sometimes parents just decide to stay for the day with their child even if it isn't their work day, it's all very casual. Some parents just leave for an hour or two, not the full 3 hours. The teacher started giving me tasks to help her with. Sending me to the storage room to look for something, or into the kitchen to help with snack, when really it was just an excuse for me to separate. It was working well, Makena was doing mostly fine.

One day I said I was going to the car to get my jacket and Makena started crying and clinging to me. She was so stressed out about me leaving that I burst into tears myself. We sat together at story time and I just couldn't stop crying while she clung onto me so tightly. While everyone else went out to snack the teacher sat with us and rubbed my back while I rubbed Makena's back and we talked about what to do. The next day in the morning Makena panicked and asked if I was leaving today. I told her that I'd still be there, but might be busy helping the teacher. And while she was busy playing outside the teacher (loud enough for Makena to hear) sent me into the other room to help with a craft workshop that was going on. I stayed there almost the entire day, peeking at Makena through the window to the playground and sticking my head into her classroom so see how she was doing. I heard her ask for me a couple times, but she never cried and the other adults easily distracted her and got her involved in something. Then for the last story time at noon (school is over at 12:15) I came over to the rug and sat with her.

The next day we were ready to do a real drop off. I told her ahead of time, and when it was time for me to leave (I stayed for about 30 minutes) we said goodbye and I left to sit in my car.  I did go to Starbucks and then back to the school to sit and spy on her occasionally. The rest of the week went just as well. She resists at first, crying and clinging, but we let her pick one last thing for us to do together (read a story, paint a picture, do a project...) and then we hug and blow kisses and I go. Only once so far has she been actually crying as I left, but her teacher was holding her and I know she was fine within seconds. Still, it's super hard and I don't like it at all. I'm glad she's starting to get used to it, but it makes me sad that it's so hard for her. Such is life, I know. Overcoming struggles is a crucial skill, and I know she's blessed to have had so few obstacles in her life! The addition of the baby will be probably her biggest transition yet. It's one thing to not have my attention constantly, but it'll be another thing to see my attention shared with a new baby.

There is a little girl Makena's age in her class (Makena's on the older end, some kids are very young and just turning 3) and she just became a big sister 7 weeks ago. She and Makena are a lot alike, they are both quiet and slow to warm, but they both talk about each other when not together and say they are friends, even though at school they mostly just parallel play since neither of them takes the lead! Her mother and I are trying to help encourage their friendship, they invited us over to play and I think that will be good. Plus the mom and I can chat about having a second baby! We're looking forward to getting together next week. 

In other preschool news we're getting ready for the fall carnival fundraiser event. Each family is required to sell 3 booklets of raffle tickets, and their are prizes for the top 3 selling families. So far we're in the lead with like 16 booklets sold! We're trying to sell as many as possible, especially since we pay a reduced tuition. Our friends and family have been incredibly generous! We're very excited for carnival day. Pam and I are signed up to do the face painting.

Okay, up next I need to post about the camping trip we took! 

What's different with this pregnancy

I blogged about our journey in conceiving Makena, and throughout my whole pregnancy I updated constantly. Sometimes I posted twice a day! And Pam even posted a few times! I wanted to document everything. One of the biggest differences with this pregnancy is how casual it all seems. I'm not stressed out constantly about every little thing. I'm so involved with the child I have right now that I don't pay much attention to the one that's still growing inside. I actually (briefly!) forget that I'm pregnant at times.

We have decided to hire a midwife and have a home birth this time around. With Makena I was planning a birth center birth, and that didn't go as planned and I transferred during labor because of exhaustion, so I had a hospital birth with her. It was surprisingly great, we still had so many of our requests met and I can't complain much about any of the care we received there. I can nitpick of course, there were a few things I'm still upset about, like the squirt of sugar water that was snuck into our newborn's mouth and the fact that I consented to only 2 blood draws and they did 3 when checking her after saying she was Large For Gestational Age. They also kept delaying our check-out time, we were anxious to go home and wanted to leave before most are ready. We had to keep waiting for paperwork, until finally a kind nurse explained that all we were really waiting for was a prescription for ibuprofen, so we left. But overall we had a very positive experience.

That doesn't mean that I think my plans for wanting a natural childbirth outside of a hospital were dumb though. When telling people that we're going the home birth route this time, I'm mostly met with encouragement and support. I happen to know a lot of like-minded people and have several friends who had home births. But there are still a few questions, especially from people who aren't natural birth fans, that I understand. "Didn't you have an epidural with Makena?" Yes, I did. But that doesn't mean I want it this time, or that I'm suddenly not a natural birth advocate. I consider myself very lucky that I didn't have any adverse effects. And I asked for the epidural on my own well informed terms. When I transferred to the hospital (again, for exhaustion, not an emergency) I was so beyond tired, and when they said I was 4 centimeters and they were going to give me pitocin to speed things up, I said I wanted the epidural first. I knew pitocin would make my contractions more painful and closer together, and I didn't want to deal with that. I was already beyond my limit. The hospital midwives tried to give me other options because they knew I wanted a natural med-free childbirth.

Labor and birth doesn't always go the way we imagine it. I still mourn the loss of the birth I wanted and dreamed about. I feel that I cheated Makena out of being born drug-free. I also feel strongly that had my labor progressed quicker, or had I known/been able to sleep during those many early labor hours, I would have given birth as I hoped. I wasn't prepared for that aspect of it. As much as I educated myself about labor, I didn't realize how crucial it was to rest and save energy because it could take days before active labor hit. I didn't realize how painful and difficult I'd find early labor to be. I wish we had hired a doula, someone who could have came to our apartment and helped me cope when I most needed that support. Someone who saw the signs and warned us that this could take a while, no need to rush. I vowed that for my next birth (if I'd have the chance again) I'd make sure to have a doula, for both my and Pam's sake!

And here we are, I'm pregnant again. I was seeing an OB at my local hospital but he was a typical nightmare of a doctor who lied to my face about the safety of ultrasounds while I smiled sweetly and pretended to be one of his usual patients who takes his word as the gospel truth. And then I knew hiring a doula was of the utmost importance. In early June we attended a local "Meet the doulas" event and got the chance to talk with about 6 of them. Their fees were outrageously above what we could afford, none were under $1,000, and of course it isn't covered by insurance, let alone Medi-Cal. There was also a midwife in attendance, and when we met with her she asked why we weren't having a homebirth, since it's something she could tell we were interested in. We explained that we didn't have the money for it. Paying a midwife $5,000 out of pocket (which is more than we pay for 4 months of rent!) unfortunately just wasn't a possibility. She mentioned she'd be willing to reduce her fee and let us work out a payment plan. We were thrilled with the idea but cautious, knowing that we really honestly couldn't afford substantial payments at this time. Summer paychecks were especially sporadic and lower than normal, and we were struggling to make ends meet enough as it was. But we agreed to meet again and talk more in depth, and when we did our worries disappeared. Our midwife said she'd let us wait to pay the bulk of the fee a few months after the baby was born, once we got our tax return, and she urged me to just come in for a first prenatal appointment and get started with care now instead of stressing over payments. She really made us feel like she was comfortable working with us because she knew how important a homebirth was to us, even saying if we had to skip a payment for a month that would be fine. So we wrote a check for $50 and in mid June at 17 weeks pregnant I had a midwife and a plan to give birth at home!

I was enjoying the care I was receiving, the appointments and monthly group meetings were informative and I always like supportive social gatherings like that. When I was 19 weeks pregnant I returned the my OB just for the anatomy ultrasound, we found out we were expecting another baby girl (YAY!) and then I left the office without making another appointment.

Makena was so excited to find out if she was going to have a little sister or little brother. She went into the appointment saying she wanted a little brother but that a sister would be okay. When we found out it was a girl she smiled. :)

When we left I had her call my mom and she said into the phone that she was going to have a baby sister. Then we went to Carter's to buy a "little sister" onesie.

Another huge difference in this pregnancy is the lack of belly photos! The first time I was taking them weekly on the dot. This time I hit 5 months and realized I hadn't taken one yet, so I snapped this in a bathroom.

I've had mostly the same symptoms as last time. Heartburm, pains when standing or moving too quickly from different positions. Random leg cramps that wake me up in the middle of the night. Craving fruit. I eat more apples nowadays than I probably ever have combined in my whole life! I used to think I liked green apples but apparently red like Gala and Fuji are way better and I just never knew! I'm walking a lot more during this pregnancy, and for some reason when I push Makena in her stroller I get painful cramps. As soon as I sit and drink some water they go away. I've also been drinking lots of red raspberry leaf tea/infusions, and feeling lots of Braxton Hicks. I'm hoping my uterus is getting nice and toned and ready! I've started peeing when I cough/sneeze, and that's super annoying and only happened twice last time I think.

At every prenatal appointment the baby's heart rate has been 144 beats per minute. Isn't that odd? 144 exactly, each time! Everything seems to be progressing as normal and I've been healthy and feeling fine. I sleep great, getting about 9 hours a night. I eat (mostly) well. I drink lots of water and take my vitamins. I'm pretty much the perfect candidate for a homebirth! Pam and I have just started to clear our some space in our apartment and figure out where the birth pool will go. Last week I posted to a local group asking if anyone had any leftover homebirth supplies. Then that same day I got a call from my midwife saying she wanted to talk about our payment plan. Several days earlier we had finally gotten around to signing the contract, and in hindsight that *obviously* should have been taken care of at the beginning, but I (wrongfully) assumed we were on the same page and it was just a technicality we'd take care of later. So when Pam called her back (I had a sinking feeling and wasn't up for making the call) she explained that she misunderstood and wasn't able to wait until after the baby was born for payment and had to drop us as clients. And there I was, 31 weeks pregnant and suddenly without a care provider.

I was a complete wreck. I cried for almost 2 days straight. I had to explain to Makena why I was so sad (I simply said we couldn't see that midwife anymore) and she started to cry too and say she didn't want me to go to a hospital. :( I assured her that I was going to try and find another midwife so we could still have the baby at home. I even considered an unassisted birth, maybe "accidentally" birthing at home before I realized it was time to go to the hospital. But I wanted a midwife, and I felt so heartbroken that I'd come so far only to have my dreams crushed. And only because of money! It was infuriating. Apparently the midwife told Pam that we'd be better off just going to the hospital because then we wouldn't have to pay a penny since Medi-Cal would cover the costs. That's true, Medi-Cal would pay for everything, but I don't want another hospital birth. We feel like we got lucky with the last one and I don't want to press that luck again. Plus we REALLY don't want to leave Makena overnight.

I normally deal with anything by talking about it with anyone who will listen, but I only told a few select people what was going on. I was in a dark place, feeling so upset that even trying to come up with a plan to move forward was bringing me to tears. Should I just call up my OB and make an appointment? They never even called me asking where I was. I posted about it in my local attachment parenting group on facebook, and the outpouring of support was overwhelming. Everyone seemed shocked that my midwife would do that, and I started getting private messages with words of encouragement and offers of help. People made calls on my behalf to midwives and doulas that they'd used, they offered discounts on their own services, I suddenly had a group of people who were all pushing for me to get this home birth after all. I wrote a long emotional email to a midwife that quite a few people recommended. She wrote back "Oh jeez, call me!" so I did and we had a great talk. We met with her this week and she's just lovely. Kind, warm, funny, open, sympathetic. All words that I wouldn't use to describe the other midwife, but I wasn't being picky about who would take me on as a client. Now it seems clear that this is a case of everything working out for the better. My new midwife was even friendly to Makena, something that always seemed lacking with the other midwife. Sure, there was a toy box available, but she never tried to engage with her at all. As we chatted I began to feel a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. She says she's horrified and deeply sorry for what happened, and that she'd love to work with us and is okay with waiting for payment. All we have to do is come up with $500 by the day of birth so she can pay her midwife assistant. That's a lot of money for us to consider right now, we get daily calls about past due bills and have to decide between which to pay now so we can get gas/groceries. Since summer we've been paying our rent twice monthly since we can't come up with the whole check at once. I'm not kidding when I say this summer was a financial disaster for us. And now we have Makena's monthly school tuition to pay for, which thankfully is very little since we're on a scholarship, but it's still more than we can afford right now. Once you get stuck in a rut like this it's extremely hard to get out, since every resource is being used just to stay afloat. Talk about the perfect timing to have a baby, huh?!?!

So it's been a rough few months, and an even rougher week, but things are starting to look better at least on the homebirth front. And I have to just keep trudging along and hoping everything else will fall into place. We've been focusing on clearing out clutter and selling stuff to bring in any money that's possible. I look around our small 1 bedroom apartment and we just have so much stuff. Not only are we not using it all, but it's taking up precious space. We need to find creative ways to make this apartment work for us, now that we're adding another (small) human being to the mix. Tomorrow we're going to tackle some more piles and hopefully gather together stuff for a garage sale.

Onward we go!