Bad days.

Tonight, as I was cleaning up after dinner I asked Pam to distract Makena. To please keep her busy in the other room because she was getting in my way in our tiny kitchen. But, I didn't exactly say it that way...

"UGH, she's like a little fly that just won't leave me ALONE!!"

I've had an idea swirling around my brain to write a post about how awesome I feel I am as a mom. I know I'm not always awesome, I know I make mistakes and say things I regret and have moments (and sometimes days) where I have failed a little more than normal. But I also know that in the grand scheme of Makena's life, I'm doing a pretty stellar job. I hear so much about moms who seem so angry. They feel judged by everyone for their parenting choices. They talk about hating getting advice. They lash out and are so defensive about everything. I can only imagine that stems from deeper issues of low self-esteem, of lack of confidence in their parenting skills. And I think that since I generally feel very sure of myself and my ways, I let things bounce right off that might otherwise piss another mom off. Then again I love a sense of community and sharing advice and learning new things. I rarely get offended and easily find the good in people's intentions, even if their delivery is awful. This can be a flawed system though, because it certainly doesn't always work and had made me feel isolated at times.

Anyways. Back to today. I woke up not feeling well, and then got my period. I wanted to lounge around on the couch in my pj's and watch movies all day. Oh wait, Makena needs breakfast. And she needs me to help her in the bathroom. And she wants milk. And now she wants the other side. I shooed her outside to play for a bit while I escaped to facebook. Within minutes she needed help filling up her watering can. And help sweeping away the spider webs on her slide. And putting her helmet on. And then she needs more milk. And she wants ice cream but I say we have to wait until after dinner and then she's crying and I want to go eat ice cream and cry myself.

I swept the floor and cleaned up the kitchen while she half watched the Disney Junior channel and half clung to my legs whining that she needed me. I made dinner and the clingy-ness continued, until I suggested she go find something quiet to do by herself. I heard her playing the Sesame Street zoo video game on the Nintendo DS and thankfully that gave me enough time to finish in the kitchen. Then Pam got home and we ate.

I told her what a long emotionally exhausting day it was. Makena was still being grumpy. Then she followed me into the kitchen. She was practically attached to my hip all day and I needed a break and some personal space. Even doing the dishes (for the second time today!!) looked inviting to me. So I said that sentence from above, and immediately felt bad about it.

And I think it's important to document the bad moments just as much as the good ones. Parenting is tough, but I think as long as we acknowledge that and try to learn from it and be better next time, it's okay. I know for me, it's obvious that I don't get enough "me" time. I'm rarely away from Makena. And while sometimes I crave a few hours to myself, to go out with friends and enjoy being me instead of being mom... usually I don't really want to be without Makena. It's a catch-22. I thought I'd have figured out that balance before now, over 2.5 years into this thing. But even when things are crappy at home, even on my hardest days, I'm still a million times happier than I was before I had Makena in my life. I was never driven to do anything else in life besides get married and have a family. I wanted to be a mom more than anything, and I love it, I really do. I feel so blessed and thankful and honored to be in charge of raising this person. Not just ensuring that she is safe, but nourishing her soul and helping her follow her heart so she can grow to be a kind, smart, thoughtful contributing member of society. Someone who can change the world for the better with her ideas and motivation.

So yes, I have bad days. And there will be more as time goes by, and as Makena gets older there will be different challenges. I'm not looking forward to the difficult times, but I am looking forward to what we learn from them, and how we grow from the experience they give us.

"The painful things seemed like knots on a beautiful necklace, necessary for keeping the beads in place." -Anita Diamant