Donor Sperm

When Pam and I first started thinking about starting a family, we were living in New York City. We wanted to move away, and considered California, or Colorado, or maybe even Washington. I did a quick search for sperm banks, and obviously California had way more options. I was particular drawn to http://www.gayspermbank.com/ a bank that used mostly gay donors, and they were all ID release when the baby was 3 months old. The site explained that these were mostly men who didn’t want children to raise, but did want to be somewhat a part of the child’s life. Also, they say that they do not offer their services to parents who are going to circumcise their babies, which was a huge selling point for me. I know that can’t be regulated, but I love the fact that they put it out there and I hope it helps start that important conversation/research. Unfortunately, we didn’t see any donors on their list that stood out as The One. It didn’t matter though, because we weren’t ready yet.

We ended up moving to California, largely because I have family here and was raised here. I loved my childhood. Growing up in these same neighborhoods is exactly what I wanted for our children. When we got serious about having a baby, we revisited the options and discussed all the different possibilities. If we had a close male friend we would have absolutely considered asking him to donate. We thought about the fact that we each have brothers, and maybe for the genetic link we could… no, wait. Not going to happen. We were too squeamish about that thought, though I do love the idea of it. So we decided to go with PRS, in San Francisco. They were local, well, a 30 minute drive away, but we wouldn’t have to ship anything. Plus, they do the insemination there on site, so I wouldn’t need to use a RE or anything. I didn’t have any health insurance, so we were hoping for the cheapest fastest option to get me knocked up. Well, aside for sleeping with some random dude, which I did (very) briefly think about.


Picking a donor was so much fun for us. We knew that most importantly we wanted a donor that had Pam’s physical characteristics. And when we finally picked this is what I wrote:

So what finally pushed us towards him?
We’re not sure. He was one that we kept going back to, and had a limited supply so when we found out that there was still some left we decided to go for it! He is an anonymous donor, which as you know from my last post we didn’t know if we considered that a pro or a con. They way I think of it, if this works, then great! It was meant to be him. If not, maybe we’ll pick a new donor and have better luck. You never know.


And there you have it. Once I was pregnant we ordered a copy of his baby photos and his audio interview. I listened to that 45 minute CD grinning from ear to ear. I loved his answers, his laugh. And he said that he’s totally open to being contacted in the future but his current girlfriend was uncomfortable with that, so he chose to be anonymous. The way he talked about it though gave me the feeling that there’s a way around the anonymous part. And with all we know about him, I know there’s a very good chance we could locate him if that’s what Makena wants some day.

I would love contact with him. I would love contact with half-siblings. I check the registry all the time but there isn’t a listing for him. I keep thinking I should add the listing and then maybe we’d be contacted, but we’ll see. If it was free I totally would. When Makena was only a couple months old we got a letter saying that our donors supply was about to run out, and if we wanted more vials to purchase them now. We decided not to, nor do we have any stored. The reason for that is we are really hoping that Pam can get pregnant for baby #2, and we will want to pick a donor who has my characteristics. Now, is it realistic that Pam will get pregnant? Who knows. If she can’t after a couple tries, we’ll be extremely sad. But, silver lining, I’ll get to try again. And at that point, I’m sure we’ll be wishing we had some of the same donor vials in storage. We don’t though, and we really hope that Pam can get pregnant anyway!

So, that’s that. If I think about it too much I feel annoyed that we had to rely on a 3rd party to make our family, and it bothers me that there isn’t a biological link between Makena and Pam. But there is no denying that Pam is 110% Makena’s mama. Every single person comments on how Makena looks just like her. Which is sweet, and what we wanted. But of course I do wish Makena at least looked slightly like me. When she was a tiny baby my dad even asked if I was sure we used my eggs. I think he was kinda kidding. At least I hope so. (Lol?!)